HoldOnLoosely

A while ago, I was a member of SR under a different username. I didn't leave much of a footprint on this site (rarely posted). Nevertheless, I decided to temporarily rejoin again to hopefully caution others regarding invasion of privacy.

Please be careful. I NEVER thought I'd find myself writing these words. My story was very much suppose to be "unique" compared to the other stories I have read.

Recently, my RAH hacked my personal computer with keylogging software. Every key stroke I made was tracked without my knowledge. My personal e-mail account was accessed, and my messages were read. Thankfully, I had only a week's worth of messages in the inbox. But, a handful of messages included vents and personal thoughts regarding my husband to a supportive individual unknown to my husband.

I wanted to forewarn everyone to please be careful. Threads, private messages and whatever else in Sober Recovery wouldn't be difficult to access either.

It happened to me. It could happen to you.

Liveitwell

Thanks for posting this. My ex read all my texts, accessed my email without my consent, sent privileged atty communication to others, stalked me, and got his sister to print off every post I had ever made on this site. I was afraid for a while too until I realized what they did says everything about them (psycho much?) and nothing about me. Alcoholics don't respect boundaries or privacy...or laws! I'm worried for you as to why your RAH is snooping through your things?!?! Big warning lights flashing. You did nothing wrong by reaching out for help. He is squarely in the wrong and night find his time better served focusing on himself. If I was a fortune teller I would predict a relapse as he will more than likely try to use all the things he found as ammunition and an excuse to drink. Hope I'm wrong!

Peace to you!

redatlanta

Thanks for posting this as well. My Ex psycho BF also did this to me via gifting me a new laptop early on in the relationship when things were great. It took a LONG time for me to figure out what he had done. In the meantime I felt he was someone who instinctively knew my thoughts so well that certainly we had to be meant for each other. What a terrible invasion this was when I finally took the computer to an IT friend and figured out the EX had been inside my brain FAR after we broke up, and continued to use the information to manipulate me.

In my book any person who would do such is freaking dangerous.

happybeingme

When it comes to this kind of stuff in some states it is a crime. Even if your spouse is the one doing it. So, ask someone in law enforcement

shil2587

Frankly, I would be happy for mine to do that. He might read a few home truths that I would not be able to express verbally to him.

Snark aside, I hope you were able to report him to the police for that, or at the very least to get it stopped.

HoldOnLoosely

Not according to my husband. I will tell a little more of my story.

I came to SR months ago. I had a rather non-eventful story to tell back then. Fellow members probably yawned when they read my one and only thread. I hesitated to start subsequent threads since there were so many more dramatic stories on this site, and I didn't want to take anyone's time with my inconsequential questions and issues.

Instead, I read a lot of threads/posts and gained my knowledge in that manner. I also gained knowledge from a kind individual who reached out to me through a private message on SR. This individual helped me to better understand alcoholism and detachment. Over a span of a few months, this individual continued to be supportive and provide me with guidance during the ups and downs. I viewed the exchanges as an extension of Sober Recovery, but only with one individual instead of the entire forum. Anonymity was maintained, and the exchanges focused only on alcoholism and related issues.

Unfortunately, I kept this from my husband. Of course. I had written a handful of vents and personal thoughts regarding my concerns related to my husband. It didn't help the individual was of the opposite sex. You can draw your own conclusions regarding the present accusations that are currently coming my way. My only crime...I had written exchanges with another individual of the opposite sex without my husband's knowledge.

It's a mess. Throughout my journey, I promised myself I would remain calm, constructive and above the fray with respect to my husband and his issues. And, I did it - not only with my husband, but also with any communication written in SR and to this individual.

But, there's only one way to go when you have done your best to handle yourself in a responsible manner. Down. I didn't stand a chance. Mistakes would be made in my journey. And, it took my husband's invasion of my privacy to find it.

dandylion

HoldonLoosely.......tell him that the relationship was a therapeutic one and not romantic in nature.......And, that he can just kiss your grits!!!!!!!!!

It is none of his damn business because he is not your jailor. He is criminal and abusive.....

dandylion

****Thanks for the info regarding the hacking.......

Liveitwell

I was going to say the same thing-he's an abuser with a drinking problem. His self este issues and need to control are being taken out on you. I'd be running very far and fast!

CarmenLove

Holdonloosely,

How did you work out that he was tracking your keystrokes?

FireSprite

^ & are you sure he's no longer tracking you?

How does he rationalize his invasion of your privacy? Isn't that worse than you conversing with a relative stranger? Regardless of gender, if your conversations were respectful & focused on recovery/addiction then there's nothing to accuse you of.

It sounds like this has more to do with his ego & the fact that you were getting advice from a man instead of a woman.

I'm not sure what you meant by this, but I don't think I agree. I don't think we're all doomed to go "down" when we've handled ourselves with integrity. Quite the opposite actually, so I'm guessing I'm interpreting your meaning wrong?

I'm sorry you find yourself faced with these challenges right now, but it REALLY sounds like it exposed a bigger issue which can't be fixed by sobriety alone. ((((hugs))))

Liveitwell

Yes-sounds like an underlying major personality disorder (npd, etc) and obviously other mental health issues-HE has a lot to work on and fix himself. Be careful, please, but keep coming back for help-we care about you!

HoldOnLoosely

Last week, he ambushed (strong word, but it's how it felt) me with his "findings" in our marriage counseling session. I was stunned. He later admitted to the keylogger. He supposedly removed it this weekend. That may or may not be true.

In the meantime, I have downloaded antiIogger protection on my computer. It hasn't detected anything yet. I googled what else I should do so that I will have peace of mind. I still need to put that into action.

I don't concern myself regarding this thread should he stumble upon it. This is the support I need right now. We are all entitled to it, and I very much appreciate everyone's thoughtful and caring comments. Thank you so much.

HoldOnLoosely

I want to thank everyone again for their responses. There's never been any abuse in my marriage. I do want to be clear. This isn't abuse. It's something else. Again, the story of my husband's alcoholism and related issues would have put most of you to sleep. So, I find myself puzzled and baffled by the recent developments.

I cannot speak to my husband's motivations regarding the invasion of my privacy. I think there are probably several motivations, but I would rather keep it to myself. I will say - his judgment is WAY off right now. It's totally WRONG to invade one's privacy.

The conversations with the other individual were respectful and focused on addiction/recovery. The exchanges were for support, knowledge and the truth. I did exactly what Dandylion suggested above. I think my husband believes the nature of the exchanges (for support), but there's certain sentiments coming my way. Again, I would rather not explicitly write any further information at the moment.

In the meantime, all communications have ceased with this other individual. I have thanked him for all his kindness and support. He was truly a gentleman. But, I will take my drama far, far away from him. He deserves peace and contentment in his life.

The "down" comment was a moment of sadness. I worked so hard to understand alcoholism/related issues and forge ahead in my own recovery in such a short time frame. I tried to be fair, balanced and calm. This is such a disappointment.

redatlanta

Since he read the content he is well aware of the nature and whether or not there was anything to be upset about. Which there was not.

This sounds like smoke and mirrors to me.

When we sign up for marriage we don't sign up for indentured servitude. I never told my husband I was here on SR, I still have not. I never told him I went to Al Anon. That was all about ME not him and his relapse. I wonder if the friend you made here had been a female if it would have made a difference?

I'd be wondering what this was all about myself for someone to put a key logger on a computer that's pretty serious.

Best to you I am sorry you are going through this.

changeneeded

I think I would be just as shocked.

Just curious, if it is prying too much, I apologize. But, did he act as if this was "all normal?" because, in my opinion, most couples wouldn't feel the need to do this. If the shoe was on the other foot, I might see it (not really) but it seems there would be reason to believe that when abusing a substance, you'd be more likely to deserve less trust.

I don't know. Just thinking out loud.

Liveitwell

So I guess I understand a little better now. Maybe he's just insecure ? Im not saying that justifies his actions at all. Has he given any reason as to why he Installed it-did he discuss at marriage counseling? If so, what did counselor say?

Sorry you're dealing with this!

HoldOnLoosely

He felt justified and still holds that position. This is problematic for me.

HoldOnLoosely

Last week, we didn't have a chance to explore his reasons for installing the key logger. In fact, we never had the opportunity to discuss the invasion of privacy. That will most likely happen tomorrow.

We only had a chance to understand the depth of his pain and hurt from reading a couple of my vents. He shouldn't have read my private thoughts. He wouldn't have been hurt. He brought it on himself.

Liveitwell

He sounds just like my ex-sorry! Woe is me because I read the truth about myself. Again-you didn't do anything wrong.

HoldOnLoosely

Agreed. This seems like smoke and mirrors to me too. I have an update.

By the way, since my history isn't attached to this username, my RAH is six months sober. A little background - he always drank in moderation throughout our marriage. Two years ago, his alcohol consumption increased significantly. And then last year, he plunged deeply into alcoholism for a 6-8 month period (a handful of blackouts). I was completely clueless to his "dark period" since he mostly drank on business trips and late in the evenings. I also discovered pornography (most likely attributable to alcohol). Anyway, back to my update...

Yesterday, my husband finally acknowledged the exchanges were of a supportive nature. He knew it. And, I knew he knew it.

Apparently, his hurt stemmed from reading the truth about himself (my vents/personal thoughts) and receiving advice from someone of the opposite sex. He shouldn't have read my private, personal thoughts. He wouldn't have been hurt.

And, had the gentleman been a woman (for example a Bridgette), it would have been all right according to him. I doubt it. I still think he would have had a difficult time with it regardless of gender.

The motivations for my husband's invasion of privacy...insecurities (his words) and control (my words). It doesn't matter though. It's still WRONG to invade a person's privacy. It backfires. Information may be obtained, but trust is shattered and broken.

So, yesterday I had a moment of clarity. Somewhere, in the last month, I purchased a ticket to ride the crazy train and boarded. The last three weeks have been craziness - bizarre conversations and now invasion of privacy. I went the marriage counseling session yesterday and more craziness. So, I said in the meeting to both my husband and the counselor..."This is the crazy train, and I want off. I am exhausted. I am tired of swimming upstream against a strong current. I am now in self preservation mode." I want peace for a while. I need a break. I think my words were heard. We'll see.