gingerbread81

I’ve been separated from my XA for about 6 months now; we have been on and off for 7-8 years, but as of this January, we are completely done. We have been no contact for about 2-3 months. Earlier this month, I went ahead and contacted him so I could see if daughter (who I raised) while she is in town this summer. I was able to get her a few times this month, which has been nice and I still have not SEEN my AX (his parents dropped her off).

So while I initially contacted about his daughter, he starts sending these texts about how much he loves me and misses me and wants to be with me again. I didn’t respond at first, but then I started to respond. I let this go on for a few weeks to hear what he had to say. I played nice with him even though I did not believe one word. Anyways, not once did he ever apologize for what he did and actually said, “I would like to think that I did nothing wrong”. Basically our entire relationship he lied to me, let me down 100s of times, cheated on me I don’t know how many times, and never had any responsibilities (didn’t pay bills and barely watched his kid). When he dumped me in January, he had a girlfriend (if you can call it that- it’s a married woman whose husband is in prison). He never admitted to this until I came at him with evidence and he couldn’t deny. He literally loved me one day and HATED me the next day.

So this past weekend he said he wanted to come by and help clean my gutters and do yardwork. Honestly, I didn’t want or need him to, but I thought I would see if he follows through (something he never does). When the weekend rolled around, he casually mentioned it, but said he was at the pool, so “sorry” he couldn’t help. The next day, I texted him, “I’ll find someone else to help with the gutters, thanks”. Apparently this set him off and he called me yelling at me, saying I am controlling, that I never give him a chance to do anything etc. And truthfully, I had already done the yardwork, so I didn’t need him. He told me he would come over right now and help. So I said, okay. He then was like, “F*** this, I’m at the bar with my friends and I don’t want to deal with this today. F*** you. I have dedicated 8 years of my life to you and you still treat me like a child.” These actions and words caused me to go off on him, which I regret, but I HAD to stand up for myself.

I was flabbergasted…..I mean he always treated me like this towards the end, but I thought after months of not seeing or speaking to one another, maybe he could reflect on how he hurt me and if he loves me so much, maybe he would understand his actions destroyed us. This guy is in total denial and still blaming me for the demise or our relationship. I know I am better off with NO CONTACT, but damn, it hurts that he isn’t even sorry or thinks he did anything wrong. This guy got a girl pregnant while we were together and she had an abortion (me finding this out led to him dumping me because I could never get over that). But I am not supposed to be hurt by this.

I have been moving on and pretty much accepting that I would never get an apology from him, but this recent interaction hurt me emotionally. I spent all this time loving a man that won’t even admit to hurting me and doing these horrible things to me all while saying he loves me. I realize that he is never going to change, but is it wrong to want an apology? It’s like he is totally disconnected from reality. Do I just go back to NC and accept it for what it is? Why is this guy even sending me these texts that he loves and misses me, but still acts so hateful and ditches me? I feel like it’s some sick game he plays to control me, but I have no idea. He doesn’t want to do right by me, but he loves me and misses me and I’m the only girl for him. Has anyone else experienced this craziness and how did you deal with it?

Thanks

LexieCat

It's not wrong to want one, but it's unrealistic, given who he is, to expect one.

He's shown you over and over who and what he is. You were doing fine until you started engaging with him again.

I'd just go back to where you were before these latest exchanges. You're only going to have continued anger and frustration otherwise.

NYCDoglvr

And you're still in contact with him ..... why?

Refiner

It's not wrong to want an apology, but you're not going to get one. Or if you ever did get one, it would most definitely have "strings attached" and will lead to more hurt. Accept it for what it is and go back (and remain) NC. You will be doing yourself a favor.

gingerbread81

I contacted him to see his daughter. That's why. I have not seen him just communicated through texts.

atalose

And he's an alcoholic? If yes then that's pretty much normal behavior for them.

The "words" of love never match their actions. We the partners are guilty of hanging onto those words, believing those words and discounting and excusing away the behavior that doesn't quite match.

Hawkeye13

Sounds to me like he's hit a dry spell and seeing if he can reel you back in for another round of being his resource--sorry to be so blunt, but that is a typical pattern.

You deserve far better and if I were you, I not only would go no contact
I would change my number to remove all temptation and to send a very clear message to leave you alone.

Now that you are free, you can attract a person who is able to be a real partner to you. . . it's a whole different world

AnvilheadII

So this past weekend he said he wanted to come by and help clean my gutters and do yardwork. Honestly, I didn’t want or need him to, but I thought I would see if he follows through (something he never does). When the weekend rolled around, he casually mentioned it, but said he was at the pool, so “sorry” he couldn’t help. The next day, I texted him, “I’ll find someone else to help with the gutters, thanks”.

^^^this is where YOU got sucked back in. this had nothing to do with the child and you even said you would like to see if he would follow thru.

just go back to no contact. and sadly that will mean the child as well. his words MEAN NOTHING.

RollTide

"It’s like he is totally disconnected from reality. "

My ex had never had a relationship with reality. And every time I let him edge his way back into my life I get burned. Now I totally block his calls and e-mails. My life is much better without him and the drama that he brings.

lillamy

Not wrong, but unlikely. Like I tell my kids -- a lot of times, you have to provide your own closure.

You know he behaved like a jerk. That's enough. He doesn't have to admit it and apologize. You already know the truth.

gingerbread81

Thanks everyone....I just need to hear this from time to time. I totally understand what you all are saying..... I just feel dumb for even entertaining the idea of seeing him or expecting him to actually have remorse for his terrible actions. He doesn't plan on changing and growing. Like he said, he would like to think that he is doing and has done nothing wrong. So I guess I have my answer and I am back to NC. This time it's for good....his daughter will be heading back home to New Mexico soon, so I will have ZERO excuses to contact him. I don't even want to see his stupid texts and read anymore lies. Thank you all again

Butterfly

As everyone has already said no it's not wrong to want an apology and if you did get one would you believe it was sincere??

My ex a apologised all the time for his actions and behaviour even after he walked out but it didn't mean anything his apologies were never genuine!! I've accepted I will never get a genuine apology and I think this is something that you may have to accept that until he seeks recovery it will never be a genuine and sincere.

Liveitwell

^^ yep. I received many apologies and crying heartfelt "I love you's"...but when I said the word NO, they all evaporated and the abuse got even worse. The apology was only real if I bought it-and let him do whet he wabted. They aren't sorry-so you won't get an apology. I teach my daughter this already as she questions why dad could treat her the way he has and especially not apologize . She's learning young that some people are just arrogant self serving jerks. God knows the truth and so do you-move on and away from this toxic insane person!

gingerbread81

Although I know contacting him wasn't a good idea....in a way, I'm glad I did because I see things so much clearer now that I've had time on my own. I let him talk talk talk and just observed to see what he does. This time, I let it bother me for 2 days, but I am not getting sucked back in. It's kind of like my curiosity (and hope) got the best of me and I wanted to know if things were going to be different. I thank God that I'm finally feel this way and see him for what he is. Acceptance is very hard when you love someone and want to believe their words, but after getting burned time and time again....that's all I have left to do. Accept the situation for what it is, be thankful I am moving on, and maybe one day if he ever decides to seek recovery, I can get an apology. Until then, I will not be contacting him and will block him

gingerbread81

I'm sorry your daughter has to learn that lesson (especially about her dad) but it will help her out in the future with relationships. I also see that if I buy into his crap, everything was great. As long as I denied my feelings of hurt and betrayal and accepted his crap, he was happy as can be. He has never given a true apology to me, but in the past, I accepted his words and didn't watch his actions so I took him back

Butterfly

[QUOTE=gingerbread81;5484834]Acceptance is very hard when you love someone and want to believe their words, but after getting burned time and time again....that's all I have left to do. Accept the situation for what it is, be thankful I am moving on, and maybe one day if he ever decides to seek recovery, I can get an apology. /QUOTE]

Sweetie I understand, acceptance has been one of the hardest things for me because I love him but with time and distance and the space to be able to think clearly and think about me and my feelings slowly I am beginning to accept my reality. Like you I believed everything he told me or so wanted to believe his words and ignored his actions. This is something I continue to struggle with words are easier to believe because it is what we desperately want to believe to be true.

The actions of someone who don't mean what they say are harder to look at because they show us how a person really feels and we don't want to believe that.

A friend sent me a quote today, love Is action. Everything else is just words.

Refiner

GB it sounds like he might have NPD going on, too. Which means he gets off seeing your reactions (that's his "supply") and never EVER seeing his ways in error. That's another reason you'll NEVER get an apology (one that's meant, anyway) and he will most likely to keep contacting you for Gus "supply" until he doesn't get it and it's not fun anymore. Then he'll move on to his next victim. It's VERY important to remain NC and that includes his daughter, unfortunately.

AnvilheadII

how would you ever KNOW if an apology was REAL?
and honestly, what would it CHANGE?

gingerbread81

You are all right. And why would he ever apologize if he feels he hasn't done anything wrong? I need to remember who I am dealing with. This is a guy that has shown me for years that a bar and barflies are more important than me. I felt like I was over it, but then it made me so angry reading these text messages about how much he loves me because he takes NO accountability for anything. It actually infuriates me. He lives this happy go lucky life with no regrets or remorse. He doesn't care about being a father to his 2 girls and why would I think he would be there for me. On a side note, I went out on a date last night with a normal guy. I don't know if it's going anywhere, but it's nice to spend time with a genuine person who works hard, is honest, and takes care of his children. At least I am in a place where I could entertain the idea of dating again without worrying about the XA or missing him.

minime13

I wanted an apology from my ex for all that he did, especially surrounding the night we broke up. In the couple of weeks to follow, I realized that I've had so many texts and voicemail apologies, as well as promises to get better and promises to never act in such a way again, that I could just pick and choose any one to count as his apology. That's because none of them were obviously really meaningful apologies. Apologies come with an unwritten promise to work on those conditions that caused the event you have to apologize for. The effort is what counts - not the words. Any apology from an active alcoholic will not be meaningful, to that extent.

Of course, it still does feel a little better to hear an apology when you've been wronged. I wrote myself an apology from him in my journal a couple of weeks ago. It was a simple apology, acknowledging all wrongdoing, and without the petty excuses that we usually get for such behavior, and that seemed to help move past that notion. Maybe that will help you move through this?