Wanting an apology from AX or just move on?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
no new contact, equals no new hurt.
Of course in a normal situation, there is a possibility of an apology. We both know that being with an active alcoholic is not a normal living situation, so to have that expectation is only setting us up for additional hurt.
And upon further consideration, for me personally, there are somethings that "I'm sorry" is simply NOT going to fix.
Of course in a normal situation, there is a possibility of an apology. We both know that being with an active alcoholic is not a normal living situation, so to have that expectation is only setting us up for additional hurt.
And upon further consideration, for me personally, there are somethings that "I'm sorry" is simply NOT going to fix.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
I can understand wanting to see if he had changed or come to his senses. It looks you've developed clarity regarding the person who your ex is. It didn't take him long to show his true colors. What a blessing that you found the strength to set him loose as soon as he showed them.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Maybe an apology from you to you for accepting behaviour less than you deserved? I dont know maybe Im way off beat but something I have been reading alot about is forgiving ourselves and one way to start that process is to apologise to you. Just a thought
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Butterfly makes a great point and along my way of healing from the crazy i dated before RAH , forgiving myself for accepting atrocious behavior was a huge part of moving on.
Your statements of "his happy go lucky self" remind me a a very close friend and her predicament with her A. I have to take very long breaks from her, and recently we ran into each other. I have already received miles of texts already along the lines of "he gets to do whatever he wants, he gets to have all the fun, he has no repercussions, why does he get to drive drunk an never get caught . I'm so miserable, all I can do is clean the house, I don't have fun, My health is bad, everyone is mean to me, everyone loves him blah blah blah". Its been a rinse repeat for 12 years. This is the first time I have had contact with her since going to Al Anon and I respond differently now.
- If (in fact) he is having fun its because he chooses to
- If he does what he wants its because he chooses to
- If everyone 'loves him" how do you know because you don't go anywhere with him. If they do love him why do you care?
- If he has no repercussions in life your vision is clouded because we all do
AND - if you are miserable its because you choose to be and for no other reason.
This falls on deaf ears. She is much more wrapped up in being a victim of his supposed happiness than changing her situation. Whether or not someone is happy or is perceived as being so I gotta say SO WHAT? Why the focus on someone else's happiness on not on your own? I see another separation between she and I like today because I have zero interest.
Good on you for going out on a date. I'm glad this experiment was a short one with the Ex.
Your statements of "his happy go lucky self" remind me a a very close friend and her predicament with her A. I have to take very long breaks from her, and recently we ran into each other. I have already received miles of texts already along the lines of "he gets to do whatever he wants, he gets to have all the fun, he has no repercussions, why does he get to drive drunk an never get caught . I'm so miserable, all I can do is clean the house, I don't have fun, My health is bad, everyone is mean to me, everyone loves him blah blah blah". Its been a rinse repeat for 12 years. This is the first time I have had contact with her since going to Al Anon and I respond differently now.
- If (in fact) he is having fun its because he chooses to
- If he does what he wants its because he chooses to
- If everyone 'loves him" how do you know because you don't go anywhere with him. If they do love him why do you care?
- If he has no repercussions in life your vision is clouded because we all do
AND - if you are miserable its because you choose to be and for no other reason.
This falls on deaf ears. She is much more wrapped up in being a victim of his supposed happiness than changing her situation. Whether or not someone is happy or is perceived as being so I gotta say SO WHAT? Why the focus on someone else's happiness on not on your own? I see another separation between she and I like today because I have zero interest.
Good on you for going out on a date. I'm glad this experiment was a short one with the Ex.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
The apology you're likely to get from this guy is the Non-apology :
I'm sorry you feel that way
Which is the new age way of saying , "I haven't done anything wrong, but I'll feign empathy and put the responsibility on you to suck it up and not be so unrealistically sensitive."
I'm sorry you feel that way
Which is the new age way of saying , "I haven't done anything wrong, but I'll feign empathy and put the responsibility on you to suck it up and not be so unrealistically sensitive."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 61
You need to accept he will not give you an apology, to do so would mean he would have to leave his well constructed cocoon of his denial behaviours and own up to his bad behaviour.
Ha, my ex A wants me to apologize to him for hurting and betraying him. That is how sick their minds are, it is tragic and I feel for you. Move on, it is drama you do not need.
Ha, my ex A wants me to apologize to him for hurting and betraying him. That is how sick their minds are, it is tragic and I feel for you. Move on, it is drama you do not need.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
My XA wants me to apologize for things he's completely made up! I own my part in the dysfunction-but I can only work on me. Truth is these guys don't want to work on themselves or change-they are quite happy being with their one true love-alcohol. Too bad they're missing out on life as it passes them by. My ex will most likely die just like his dad did if he keeps going, at this rate he will prob be gone in his 40's and beat his dad to the grave-or kill someone drunk driving first. All I know is I pray for him all the time-it's all we can do-and it's the best thing we can do. You will be okay without an apology. Trust me!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
^^^^^there is a passage in the Big Book of AA that says this from their perspective....
BB p.73:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension-that makes for more drinking.
All you can do is keep the focus on you and be greatful you are out of it.
BB p.73:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension-that makes for more drinking.
All you can do is keep the focus on you and be greatful you are out of it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
My ex was like that ^^^ I felt so bad for him at times bc he took everything on from everyone like he had to save everyone-never saying no. Constantly trying when he was always enough-he just didn't see that. He's a great actor-only I got to see the raw side of him, the really good and really bad. He's done some incomprehensible things while drunk/drinking so he doesn't want to face them. Ok. His choice. OP-your guy doesn't want to face the music. That's his choice. But it will catch up to him someday....he's starting in the path of the "yets" and it won't be pretty. You, YOU, will be just fine 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
^^^ During the last fight that broke us up, my ex was furious that I asked a neighbor of his to accompany me into his house to get my belongings (last straw/I was not going to sit there and take another night of insults hurled at me by an out of control alcoholic on a rage, and I honestly hoped it would diffuse the situation as he would always act differently in front of others), because his cover had finally been blown. He actually forgot what he was blaming me for to start the fight originally and concentrated on just that, and how wrong I was to have done such a thing.
It's so eerie to sit back and read so many identical stories, and almost comforting to realize that we're not the ones that have the problem.
It's so eerie to sit back and read so many identical stories, and almost comforting to realize that we're not the ones that have the problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by involved 
^^^^^there is a passage in the Big Book of AA that says this from their perspective....
BB p.73:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension-that makes for more drinking.
All you can do is keep the focus on you and be greatful you are out of it.
BB p.73:
More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.
The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension-that makes for more drinking.
All you can do is keep the focus on you and be greatful you are out of it.
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