Being Held Hostage I feel
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Being Held Hostage I feel
I'm sorry I am not happy and being positive.
Here goes my father passed away several months ago unexpectedly the day before I had AH kicked out. I called him in an emotional state. Hes been back. Now my mother lives with me but doesn't get it. She see him passed out vomiting and almost died on 4th of July but in her eyes he can do no wrong. I know she doesn't understand addiction and blames me for everything. I know she is just utterly devastated and hurt by my dad passing so she is hanging onto him.
So I had surgery on Wed and like always im alone. I explained to mom I want a divorce but she threatens if I kick him out she will leave too. I have no money or a job. I feel so defeated right now. I just don't know how to pull myself out of this one.
I explained to mom how disappointed I was in her that she see the abuse and neglect I go through and she has the power to help me but she turns a blind eye. This caused her to refuse to talk and threats to leave. So here I am pulling myself to my computer asking for some help as I don't have a tear left in me. I secretly was hoping I wouldn't wake up from surgery. When will it be my turn for a kind word, a hug or a smile. I just don't understand anymore
Here goes my father passed away several months ago unexpectedly the day before I had AH kicked out. I called him in an emotional state. Hes been back. Now my mother lives with me but doesn't get it. She see him passed out vomiting and almost died on 4th of July but in her eyes he can do no wrong. I know she doesn't understand addiction and blames me for everything. I know she is just utterly devastated and hurt by my dad passing so she is hanging onto him.
So I had surgery on Wed and like always im alone. I explained to mom I want a divorce but she threatens if I kick him out she will leave too. I have no money or a job. I feel so defeated right now. I just don't know how to pull myself out of this one.
I explained to mom how disappointed I was in her that she see the abuse and neglect I go through and she has the power to help me but she turns a blind eye. This caused her to refuse to talk and threats to leave. So here I am pulling myself to my computer asking for some help as I don't have a tear left in me. I secretly was hoping I wouldn't wake up from surgery. When will it be my turn for a kind word, a hug or a smile. I just don't understand anymore
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
You've felt like this for a long time.
When you are ready to make a change, the Universe will rise up to support you.
Do you believe that?
When you are ready to make a change, the Universe will rise up to support you.
Do you believe that?
I want to just be alone no family or husband at this point. I want to just take care of me but now I can't do anything for sure for 6 weeks.
I just want to be on my own and every time I get there something happens.
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Radiant, do not apologize for a sad post. Everyone on this site has been there too, and reaching out can be a positive experience here! I am so sorry you are feeling this right now.
You WILL pull yourself out of this one. You cannot change your mom's reaction or the sadness she feels over your dad's passing. She may not be able to see the forest for the trees right now, but hopefully in the end she will see that you are trying to better your position in life. Your AH may be playing her to keep his status in your household, but you need to do what's best for YOU.
Get well, look for work and improve your self esteem. Your mom will either be along for the ride or not, but eventually the AH will do the same thing to her.
You WILL pull yourself out of this one. You cannot change your mom's reaction or the sadness she feels over your dad's passing. She may not be able to see the forest for the trees right now, but hopefully in the end she will see that you are trying to better your position in life. Your AH may be playing her to keep his status in your household, but you need to do what's best for YOU.
Get well, look for work and improve your self esteem. Your mom will either be along for the ride or not, but eventually the AH will do the same thing to her.
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Originally Posted by INgal
Radiant, do not apologize for a sad post. Everyone on this site has been there too, and reaching out can be a positive experience here! I am so sorry you are feeling this right now.
You WILL pull yourself out of this one. You cannot change your mom's reaction or the sadness she feels over your dad's passing. She may not be able to see the forest for the trees right now, but hopefully in the end she will see that you are trying to better your position in life. Your AH may be playing her to keep his status in your household, but you need to do what's best for YOU.
Get well, look for work and improve your self esteem. Your mom will either be along for the ride or not, but eventually the AH will do the same thing to her.
You WILL pull yourself out of this one. You cannot change your mom's reaction or the sadness she feels over your dad's passing. She may not be able to see the forest for the trees right now, but hopefully in the end she will see that you are trying to better your position in life. Your AH may be playing her to keep his status in your household, but you need to do what's best for YOU.
Get well, look for work and improve your self esteem. Your mom will either be along for the ride or not, but eventually the AH will do the same thing to her.
I keep picturing the day when I will be alone and I guess I am obsessed with it and since it isn't happening fast enough I am down.
AH told me that I was a miserable person and this house was not a home and it stung to my core and I am working on trying to let it go.
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My own suggestion would be to ask your husband to leave again. If your mom wants to leave as a result of that, let her. You have two other people controlling your actions, and that does not have to be.
What happens in six weeks that you feel will change the scenario? Is that how long it will take to recover from your surgery? If so, I suggest you use this time to research jobs and other options. Play with different scenarios. Look into public assistance, if necessary. Looking at the options doesn't mean you have to use any of them.
You were on the verge of freedom when you let him back in. You can get back there and take those final steps. This is YOUR life, not your mom's.
What happens in six weeks that you feel will change the scenario? Is that how long it will take to recover from your surgery? If so, I suggest you use this time to research jobs and other options. Play with different scenarios. Look into public assistance, if necessary. Looking at the options doesn't mean you have to use any of them.
You were on the verge of freedom when you let him back in. You can get back there and take those final steps. This is YOUR life, not your mom's.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
My own suggestion would be to ask your husband to leave again. If your mom wants to leave as a result of that, let her. You have two other people controlling your actions, and that does not have to be.
What happens in six weeks that you feel will change the scenario? Is that how long it will take to recover from your surgery? If so, I suggest you use this time to research jobs and other options. Play with different scenarios. Look into public assistance, if necessary. Looking at the options doesn't mean you have to use any of them.
You were on the verge of freedom when you let him back in. You can get back there and take those final steps. This is YOUR life, not your mom's.
What happens in six weeks that you feel will change the scenario? Is that how long it will take to recover from your surgery? If so, I suggest you use this time to research jobs and other options. Play with different scenarios. Look into public assistance, if necessary. Looking at the options doesn't mean you have to use any of them.
You were on the verge of freedom when you let him back in. You can get back there and take those final steps. This is YOUR life, not your mom's.
Your right- I am actually job hunting now and applying different places. I guess what I am saying is I don't have a leg to stand on until I have a job to support myself then I don't care. It sux having to walk on egg shells bc they hold the power right now.
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They only hold "power" to the extent you allow it. You were managing OK when he was out, weren't you? You called him and allowed him to come back when your father died?
Have you ASKED him to leave again?
Have you ASKED him to leave again?
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
They only hold "power" to the extent you allow it. You were managing OK when he was out, weren't you? You called him and allowed him to come back when your father died?
Have you ASKED him to leave again?
Have you ASKED him to leave again?
A work in progress
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I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be critical, I'm simply trying to understand what you feel is holding you back. Whether it's that he is refusing to leave, you can't afford for him to leave, and what changed in the past few months to make you feel so trapped.
I'm not suggesting it's easy--at all. Just trying to understand.
I'm not suggesting it's easy--at all. Just trying to understand.
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I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father in February and feel your pain. Why is your mom living with you? Do you have any siblings she can live with? Where did she live before your dad passed away? I think the first thing I would do is find a private place to call the local DV shelter and explain about your surgery and ask what assistance or help might be available to you. Where was your husband living before he came back? I know, again from personal experience, that it will take a lot longer to heal from surgery if you are under that kind of stress and duress. I might ask him to leave again so that you can recover and heal faster. Same for your mom. I would apply for assistance. I think you can do that online. It doesn't have to be a permanent solution. It can be temporary until you are able to stand on your own two feet. Right now you need to put your health first and concentrate on recovering from surgery. I'm sorry you have people in your life that are making things worse. My mother dismissed all I have told her about my AH and I gave her a book to read on the subject that explained actions so she would "get it". She never brought it up again after that. It sounds like your mom has her own issues and they have nothing to do with you except you are having to deal with it.
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Hey Radiant sorry for what you are going through. Can you give a little more information about what has changed since your father's death? You stated your mom is staying with you - could you be a little more specific as to why? Is she paying the bills there currently or is your AH?
I know at times it feels there is no way out. When we get really down it can seem that way, but there is always a way out. Hope we can help you find a way.
I know at times it feels there is no way out. When we get really down it can seem that way, but there is always a way out. Hope we can help you find a way.
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Radiant, I am worried about you. Are you still reading this thread, can you let us know how you are today?
I think I understand somewhat how you feel. Please correct me if I am wrong.
You are going through four things right now and feeling overwhelmed?
You were battling with whether or not to end your relationship with your partner and he is now back living with you but you have decided for sure you want him gone?
Your mother has moved in with you since her husband (your father) died and she is not only not being supportive but actively making things worse?
You have had an operation that means you need help and support around you and cannot work for a while, despite desperately needing the money in order to support yourself and pay your bills.
On top of all of this, you are grieving your father and need time and space to process that before having to deal with financial and family woes.
Do I have all of that correct?
If so, when I feel so overwhelmed and out of control, I find making a to do list REALLY helps me see the things I CAN control or do something about. I then add anything else I do to that list so I can also see what I have done.
Please post back here, let us know how you are and if you would like suggestions or just a sympathetic ear right now. Everything is temporary, this too shall pass.
I think I understand somewhat how you feel. Please correct me if I am wrong.
You are going through four things right now and feeling overwhelmed?
You were battling with whether or not to end your relationship with your partner and he is now back living with you but you have decided for sure you want him gone?
Your mother has moved in with you since her husband (your father) died and she is not only not being supportive but actively making things worse?
You have had an operation that means you need help and support around you and cannot work for a while, despite desperately needing the money in order to support yourself and pay your bills.
On top of all of this, you are grieving your father and need time and space to process that before having to deal with financial and family woes.
Do I have all of that correct?
If so, when I feel so overwhelmed and out of control, I find making a to do list REALLY helps me see the things I CAN control or do something about. I then add anything else I do to that list so I can also see what I have done.
Please post back here, let us know how you are and if you would like suggestions or just a sympathetic ear right now. Everything is temporary, this too shall pass.
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Morning Everyone- I had to detach and logged off yesterday.
I responded but the novel I wrote disappeared.
Shil2587- Hit the nail on the head. It has been alot of different things being thrown at me. I don't want to play the victim card but I have been over whelmed.
Mom is living with me now she is elderly. and needs me . My other siblings instead of being there has done nothing but stole from her and hurt her.
I made little goals to strive for. I will get some more little jobs even if they don't pay alot just to get me out of the house and not think of what I don't have. Hopefully I can network and find 1 good paying job.
I will also get the Divorce papers together and save them for now until timing is right to serve AH. I know I am not in love with him I just need his financial support until I can get on my own. If mom doesn't like it then I respect her feelings but I can't control her and will call her bluff if she wants to move out then ok that is her choice. I am DONE being a door mat and not one caring about me.
I just want to know I did all I could to help mom and know Dad would be proud of me. I have to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day.
Anyone have any other suggestions or what worked best for them?
I responded but the novel I wrote disappeared.
Shil2587- Hit the nail on the head. It has been alot of different things being thrown at me. I don't want to play the victim card but I have been over whelmed.
Mom is living with me now she is elderly. and needs me . My other siblings instead of being there has done nothing but stole from her and hurt her.
I made little goals to strive for. I will get some more little jobs even if they don't pay alot just to get me out of the house and not think of what I don't have. Hopefully I can network and find 1 good paying job.
I will also get the Divorce papers together and save them for now until timing is right to serve AH. I know I am not in love with him I just need his financial support until I can get on my own. If mom doesn't like it then I respect her feelings but I can't control her and will call her bluff if she wants to move out then ok that is her choice. I am DONE being a door mat and not one caring about me.
I just want to know I did all I could to help mom and know Dad would be proud of me. I have to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day.
Anyone have any other suggestions or what worked best for them?
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Wow, whatever you had for breakfast.. You sound so much better today. GH en what you said about your siblings, it wouldn't surprise me if your mum is bluffing. Sounds like she doesnt have any options herself and is perhaps trying to keep everything around her the same after so much change in her life.
I think your plan is a good one. Divorce papers standing by for when you are ready, and picking up small jobs to save up an emergency fund.
We'll be right here with you cheering you on. It really does sound like with a bit if patience, things will get better for you. Just keep swimming! X
I think your plan is a good one. Divorce papers standing by for when you are ready, and picking up small jobs to save up an emergency fund.
We'll be right here with you cheering you on. It really does sound like with a bit if patience, things will get better for you. Just keep swimming! X
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Location: USA
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Radiant, that sounds like a really positive plan. I know it's so hard when you feel stuck because of finances. Keep working at finding a job. Or work the two until you find one good one. I know it gets tiring at working towards it, but I also know you are strong and you can do it.
You are so right about your mom. You cannot control her. The problem is that the elderly so many times think that addiction is just something we are destined to put up with, no matter what. There is a definite generation gap in attitude in that regards.
Many, many hugs to you. Stay on this path. Try to detatch as much as you can. Keep posting, you are not alone! And....I hope you recover from your surgery quickly!
XXX
You are so right about your mom. You cannot control her. The problem is that the elderly so many times think that addiction is just something we are destined to put up with, no matter what. There is a definite generation gap in attitude in that regards.
Many, many hugs to you. Stay on this path. Try to detatch as much as you can. Keep posting, you are not alone! And....I hope you recover from your surgery quickly!
XXX
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I have had two very ill parents that I have been dealing with for two years. At times their behavior, especially one, has been poor enough to consider moving to the other side of the Country. Maybe its getting old, being ill, being ill tempered at times, or old ****** behavior surfacing.
Bottom line is I don't care where it comes from. You do the best you can, you offer them the love and support but being "doormat" status is unacceptable. Your father wants you to be happy which doesn't include staying with your AH for the sake of what your mother thinks. That I can guarantee.
Have you consulted an attorney regarding split of financial assets? I would do that first to see where you stand. You might be able to get a little alimony since you are struggling with employment.
Bottom line is I don't care where it comes from. You do the best you can, you offer them the love and support but being "doormat" status is unacceptable. Your father wants you to be happy which doesn't include staying with your AH for the sake of what your mother thinks. That I can guarantee.
Have you consulted an attorney regarding split of financial assets? I would do that first to see where you stand. You might be able to get a little alimony since you are struggling with employment.
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Originally Posted by Radiant
Mom is living with me now she is elderly. and needs me . My other siblings instead of being there has done nothing but stole from her and hurt her.
I made little goals to strive for. I will get some more little jobs even if they don't pay alot just to get me out of the house and not think of what I don't have. Hopefully I can network and find 1 good paying job.
I will also get the Divorce papers together and save them for now until timing is right to serve AH.
I made little goals to strive for. I will get some more little jobs even if they don't pay alot just to get me out of the house and not think of what I don't have. Hopefully I can network and find 1 good paying job.
I will also get the Divorce papers together and save them for now until timing is right to serve AH.
I think you're doing the best you can and are making little goals to strive for! And you're talking about networking and doing things that will hopefully lead up to 1 good paying job. AND you're getting the divorce papers together for when the time is right. See... you're doing a lot right now! Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you heal up quickly (watch that stress!) and get your feet under you soon.
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Originally Posted by shil2587
Wow, whatever you had for breakfast.. You sound so much better today. GH en what you said about your siblings, it wouldn't surprise me if your mum is bluffing. Sounds like she doesnt have any options herself and is perhaps trying to keep everything around her the same after so much change in her life.
I think your plan is a good one. Divorce papers standing by for when you are ready, and picking up small jobs to save up an emergency fund.
We'll be right here with you cheering you on. It really does sound like with a bit if patience, things will get better for you. Just keep swimming! X
I think your plan is a good one. Divorce papers standing by for when you are ready, and picking up small jobs to save up an emergency fund.
We'll be right here with you cheering you on. It really does sound like with a bit if patience, things will get better for you. Just keep swimming! X
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