OT: Cheating husband - tell the wife?
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
OT: Cheating husband - tell the wife?
I had already decided to let it all go, but a friend of mine insists that I should let the wife know that her husband is cheating. I am not comfortable doing that, but I would like to hear what you think.
I wrote this in another thread:
After a recent bad break-up, I was not looking for anyone, but ended up meeting this guy a few weeks ago. He wanted to go out, but I told him that I am not sure since I was not looking to get emotionally involved with anyone since it had only been a few weeks since the break-up and I felt vulnerable. He insisted and I have to admit that I was quite smitten with him, so I agreed.
We went out and the chemistry was INCREDIBLE. It was the best date of my life. I found him charming, worldly, classy, and drop-dead gorgeous. We sizzled! I tried to keep up my guard, but he talked love very quickly (alarm bells rang). I told him before I meet him again, I would have to check up on him. He gave me his full name.
I googled his name and nothing came up. He insisted it's his name and I asked him to send me a copy of his ID. He did a day later and I told him that I am flattered that he would go to such lengths as to photoshop this (so obvious, too). He denied and said I am crazy. Later in the day he came clean about having lied about his nationality (like I care where someone is from). He gave a reasonably good explanation and sounded adequately embarrassed and remorseful.
I asked for his real name and he gave it to me. The second link was to a magazine article about his honeymoon a few years ago. His wife's facebook had an anniversary picture of the two from a few months ago. I confronted him and heard again how crazy I am to assume he is married, until I said "Does (insert her name) know you are going after other women?" Then came the sob story about a woman he loved, but could not marry and giving in to his family's pressure to marry his wife (plausible given the culture he is from, but he went a bit too Bollywood on me there with the "woe is me"). I was spot on with my suspicions with the other stories and I am quite sure that he fabricated this, too.
So obviously I am not seeing him again and I am relieved nothing more happened besides kissing. Apart from the cheating, I found the gaslighting and blame-shifting astounding (there was more, but I am keeping it to the basics).
I have deleted his number and all pictures and I am done with this, but my friend thinks his wife should know. She is back in his home country while he is in North America for work. He is also on a dating site here (he told me), looking for a relationship. Any thoughts? I just don't feel comfortable with the idea.
As for me, I have implemented a 1-year non-dating period for myself. But I am also proud that I listened to my intuition with this guy.
I wrote this in another thread:
After a recent bad break-up, I was not looking for anyone, but ended up meeting this guy a few weeks ago. He wanted to go out, but I told him that I am not sure since I was not looking to get emotionally involved with anyone since it had only been a few weeks since the break-up and I felt vulnerable. He insisted and I have to admit that I was quite smitten with him, so I agreed.
We went out and the chemistry was INCREDIBLE. It was the best date of my life. I found him charming, worldly, classy, and drop-dead gorgeous. We sizzled! I tried to keep up my guard, but he talked love very quickly (alarm bells rang). I told him before I meet him again, I would have to check up on him. He gave me his full name.
I googled his name and nothing came up. He insisted it's his name and I asked him to send me a copy of his ID. He did a day later and I told him that I am flattered that he would go to such lengths as to photoshop this (so obvious, too). He denied and said I am crazy. Later in the day he came clean about having lied about his nationality (like I care where someone is from). He gave a reasonably good explanation and sounded adequately embarrassed and remorseful.
I asked for his real name and he gave it to me. The second link was to a magazine article about his honeymoon a few years ago. His wife's facebook had an anniversary picture of the two from a few months ago. I confronted him and heard again how crazy I am to assume he is married, until I said "Does (insert her name) know you are going after other women?" Then came the sob story about a woman he loved, but could not marry and giving in to his family's pressure to marry his wife (plausible given the culture he is from, but he went a bit too Bollywood on me there with the "woe is me"). I was spot on with my suspicions with the other stories and I am quite sure that he fabricated this, too.
So obviously I am not seeing him again and I am relieved nothing more happened besides kissing. Apart from the cheating, I found the gaslighting and blame-shifting astounding (there was more, but I am keeping it to the basics).
I have deleted his number and all pictures and I am done with this, but my friend thinks his wife should know. She is back in his home country while he is in North America for work. He is also on a dating site here (he told me), looking for a relationship. Any thoughts? I just don't feel comfortable with the idea.
As for me, I have implemented a 1-year non-dating period for myself. But I am also proud that I listened to my intuition with this guy.
aka Nesty
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Northern Vt.
Posts: 1,554
This is a hard one Kim , It could be possible that the wife may know he's a cheater . Some just stay for unknown reasons .
I had a situation where my X was cheating when we were married . Him & my brother was best friends they would party together . My brother came to me one day and told me my X is cheating with other girls . I was young & we had a small child . Love is blind I didn't believe my brother & he couldn't show me prof , so I told him to drop it unless he can prove it .
That put a wedge between me & my brother . Of course I ended up catching him in the end .
If I really had known the truth I would of left . That feeling of not knowing how many girls he was with . Made it difficult to ever really trust another man .
If you decide to Show her as much prof as you can . Seeing as I went though it - I would . Good luck on working this out
I had a situation where my X was cheating when we were married . Him & my brother was best friends they would party together . My brother came to me one day and told me my X is cheating with other girls . I was young & we had a small child . Love is blind I didn't believe my brother & he couldn't show me prof , so I told him to drop it unless he can prove it .
That put a wedge between me & my brother . Of course I ended up catching him in the end .
If I really had known the truth I would of left . That feeling of not knowing how many girls he was with . Made it difficult to ever really trust another man .
If you decide to Show her as much prof as you can . Seeing as I went though it - I would . Good luck on working this out
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
I try to stay out of other people's business. Who knows, they may have an "arrangement" of some sort. All it is going to do is hurt her if they don't. If he is a big cheater it will come out at some point. My vote is to say nothing. You found out and deleted him for your life. You don't know if this guy is dangerous and he would want to take revenge on you for outting him.
Before I give any other advice I will remember that most important part !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
K- I found my best friends husband in the basement with my girl friend kissing at a party one night. I was shocked, everyone had been drinking.
I went to my girl, you tell "laurie" what you were doing or I will. Then she did tell "laurie" that Maia was "saying" stuff that wasn't true. What ever. I was not going to let that slxt get away with it and I didn't have to say a thing. I am not that nice, just to sit back. If it was me, I would want to know. So I put the pressure on them to come clean. Good luck
I went to my girl, you tell "laurie" what you were doing or I will. Then she did tell "laurie" that Maia was "saying" stuff that wasn't true. What ever. I was not going to let that slxt get away with it and I didn't have to say a thing. I am not that nice, just to sit back. If it was me, I would want to know. So I put the pressure on them to come clean. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Just remember there is a possibility that she will not believe you.
I believe she certainly deserves the truth, but the question remains, is it your obligation to tell? what is your actual motivation in telling her ?
What are you hoping to accomplish in telling?
Staying away from this lying POS is the best thing you can do.
I believe she certainly deserves the truth, but the question remains, is it your obligation to tell? what is your actual motivation in telling her ?
What are you hoping to accomplish in telling?
Staying away from this lying POS is the best thing you can do.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't know her, you barely know him. For all you know, he is an abuser as well as a cheat, and if she confronts him SHE will pay a price.
There are very few situations where disclosing someone's infidelity to a partner is warranted--I'd only do it if the partner were a close friend of mine. Otherwise, not my business.
There are very few situations where disclosing someone's infidelity to a partner is warranted--I'd only do it if the partner were a close friend of mine. Otherwise, not my business.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kimmieh......I consider this one of those scenario dependent situations. If the wife was a girlfriend....I would MOST LIKELY tell.
I would consider, very carefully, all the variables, first.
A woman is very vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases if she doesn't know that her husband is cheating, by the way.
dandylion
I would consider, very carefully, all the variables, first.
A woman is very vulnerable to sexually transmitted diseases if she doesn't know that her husband is cheating, by the way.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
As someone who was married to a guy who cheated...and post-divorce heard all the stories come out about past cheating--I was really ticked that people would tell me LATER and said nothing before. Two things-
One, if you choose to say nothing now, you should plan to say nothing forever. Saying it after it blows up is hurtful to the person and only clears your own conscience of having known.
Two, I didn't know, but knew things were off. If someone had told me I might have embraced it as finally KNOWING.
I did tell when an acquaintance's husband hit on me (very much, very explicitly). He also told me he loved her very much, but he had a girlfriend in a city he traveled to. I knew she might hate me and never speak to me again or get very angry, but I promised myself I wasn't going to own or bear it by keeping it to myself. By telling her I was able to remove myself and let them deal with it.
It was a very very hard thing to do. I was shocked that she seemed to know that's what I wanted to say, and burst into tears because of everything she had been uncovering. Yet he was still lying about all and making her feel crazy. She ultimately thanked me. A little while ago, he did too. Truth is healthy.
For me, not sharing was hurting me, and I needed to live by my values. But this was firsthand experience, and I didn't share the girlfriend story with her, just what had happened with me. The rest wasn't mine to tell.
One, if you choose to say nothing now, you should plan to say nothing forever. Saying it after it blows up is hurtful to the person and only clears your own conscience of having known.
Two, I didn't know, but knew things were off. If someone had told me I might have embraced it as finally KNOWING.
I did tell when an acquaintance's husband hit on me (very much, very explicitly). He also told me he loved her very much, but he had a girlfriend in a city he traveled to. I knew she might hate me and never speak to me again or get very angry, but I promised myself I wasn't going to own or bear it by keeping it to myself. By telling her I was able to remove myself and let them deal with it.
It was a very very hard thing to do. I was shocked that she seemed to know that's what I wanted to say, and burst into tears because of everything she had been uncovering. Yet he was still lying about all and making her feel crazy. She ultimately thanked me. A little while ago, he did too. Truth is healthy.
For me, not sharing was hurting me, and I needed to live by my values. But this was firsthand experience, and I didn't share the girlfriend story with her, just what had happened with me. The rest wasn't mine to tell.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Dear Kimmieh-
I found out about my husband's infidelity on both occasions from a complete stranger (two different people).
I call them my angels here on earth.
I had some recovery underneath me when I found out, and I got proof later the same day. In my case there was no uneasiness with the person(s) who told me. I believed them but verified.
I think your decision is about what is comfortable to you? What can you live with in your being and your body? Also what might be your motivation to tell or not tell? I know in my case that my angels were looking out for me and I could feel that in their being from the moment they contacted me. In my case it was not about revenge (not saying it is in yours) they did not know my husband either but the woman he was involved with.
I am forever grateful that these strangers thought enough of me to tell the truth when my husband and very good friend were not able to.
I found out about my husband's infidelity on both occasions from a complete stranger (two different people).
I call them my angels here on earth.
I had some recovery underneath me when I found out, and I got proof later the same day. In my case there was no uneasiness with the person(s) who told me. I believed them but verified.
I think your decision is about what is comfortable to you? What can you live with in your being and your body? Also what might be your motivation to tell or not tell? I know in my case that my angels were looking out for me and I could feel that in their being from the moment they contacted me. In my case it was not about revenge (not saying it is in yours) they did not know my husband either but the woman he was involved with.
I am forever grateful that these strangers thought enough of me to tell the truth when my husband and very good friend were not able to.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
My xa has been messing with a woman who is just out of rehab and lives in a different state from him...they both should know better and thats not my problem. BUT he has recently been in my bed so he is cheating on her with me. He is a narcissist and I know how persuasive and manipulative and persistant he is. So I did let her know but only things I could prove...i considered it a public service announcement and would help anyone who was headed for a train wreck! She said she was done with him and thanked me for the "heads up"....whether she gets sucked back in or not is not my concern...I just thought woman to woman she should know! He is just gonna go find someone else to abuse...They should have "carfax" on men!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you all for your input and perspectives.
I am not looking for revenge. It was revenge enough to see him squirm and fumble when I confronted him with his lies. But I was just cheated on myself recently, as well a once before. Both of them had no qualms exposing me to STDs (since there is no 100% safe sex). I had high-risk HPV, which I likely got from the first cheating boyfriend and the consequences were not pretty. So my concern is with her, not with him. I would have wanted to know.
I am very conflicted about this. She is a complete stranger living on the other side of the planet. I also deleted all text conversations, so I don't have proof of his intentions to sleep with me (although I could probably recover those). There is a link to his dating site profile in which he explicitly states that he is looking for a relationship. But I still think that my life is so far removed from theirs and I feel very apprehensive about involving myself like this, even if it's for good reason...
So yes, I am conflicted about this and I will read all your posts carefully. Thank you!
I am not looking for revenge. It was revenge enough to see him squirm and fumble when I confronted him with his lies. But I was just cheated on myself recently, as well a once before. Both of them had no qualms exposing me to STDs (since there is no 100% safe sex). I had high-risk HPV, which I likely got from the first cheating boyfriend and the consequences were not pretty. So my concern is with her, not with him. I would have wanted to know.
I am very conflicted about this. She is a complete stranger living on the other side of the planet. I also deleted all text conversations, so I don't have proof of his intentions to sleep with me (although I could probably recover those). There is a link to his dating site profile in which he explicitly states that he is looking for a relationship. But I still think that my life is so far removed from theirs and I feel very apprehensive about involving myself like this, even if it's for good reason...
So yes, I am conflicted about this and I will read all your posts carefully. Thank you!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I would tell her. I would want to know. And as you stated the chances of health risk are too high not to let her know what you know. I think you are coming from a place of trying to help her rather than hurt or revenge on him. You would want someone to tell you and the golden rule is so unto others as you would have them do unto you. That is what you are doing. You could also find a way to let her know anonymously if you are afraid of his retaliation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
One of my ex wife's friends tried to warn me about her being "extremely promiscuous" when they would go out to the club on a girls' night out but I didn't take the advice seriously. At least not until I caught her in the act myself. Until then, I just figured it was jealousy/pettiness.
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