Looking for advice...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 1
Looking for advice...
My long time boyfriend is an alcoholic who recently did a 30 rehab. Before he went he said things that really hurt. We went to classes together when he was there and thought we had a good plan. When he came home he reverted back to the same habits (except without drinking) or so I thought. After a few bad fight I thought we were on the same page again everything has been amazing. Until last night when I came home to him being drunk. He told me he loves me but I don't understand and I put to much pressure on him. The only thing I've ever asked is for him to get a job and do what he needs to do to be happy. He done a very good job of breaking my heart and getting in my head. I try to tell myself it's just the vodka, but how do you know when to let go of someone you love? Thanks Jennie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
He's a drunk that can't or won't get a job? And what exactly is in this relationship for you? If he has such a lack of self-respect he will have zero respect for you. And that is NOT a happy or healthy relationship and is not fair to you. Sounds like you need to set this loved one free and love him from afar.
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
OK, I've been sober for 4 years and also a member of Alanon.
"he loves me but I don't understand and I put to much pressure on him"
That's classic alcoholism, don't be a classic codependent/enabler.
Until he can realize it's up to him, and he can't blame his problems on others he will remain unrecovered. He must take responsibility for himself, as long as he's riding the "poor me. pity train' through life, nothing will change.
Live your life, he is not your responsibility.
Take Care, you'll be Ok, you work on you, let him take care of him.
"he loves me but I don't understand and I put to much pressure on him"
That's classic alcoholism, don't be a classic codependent/enabler.
Until he can realize it's up to him, and he can't blame his problems on others he will remain unrecovered. He must take responsibility for himself, as long as he's riding the "poor me. pity train' through life, nothing will change.
Live your life, he is not your responsibility.
Take Care, you'll be Ok, you work on you, let him take care of him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He's not ready to quit drinking yet. Everything else is just noise and excuses. He knows what he needs to do, he would have learned that in rehab. You're just a convenient target.
This is who he is right now, and this is the best your relationship will ever get. You can either try to stick with it and keep supporting him and his alcoholism or you can protect yourself and love him from afar like Refiner said.
This is who he is right now, and this is the best your relationship will ever get. You can either try to stick with it and keep supporting him and his alcoholism or you can protect yourself and love him from afar like Refiner said.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Jen
Welcome. Sorry you are going thru this but glad you made it here. SR has been a life saver for me these last few months. With that being said...
Your question of how do you know when it's time to let go? I think for all of us it's different, it boils down to how much more are you willing to tolerate? My breaking point with my exh (not an A but had other addiction issues) was when he wouldn't get out of the car at the service station to put the gas in, expecting for me to do it instead....crazy right? That was the straw that broke the camels back! I laugh about it now when I think of him telling people I divorced him because he would'nt put gas in the car. Lol. A bit delusional ya think?
As far as my current situation, I found the strength to leave when I came upon him drinking again after we had just spent the evening 4 days earlier in the ER because he tripped, fell, busted his face open and that's what I found when coming home from work (he called into work that morning). THAT WAS IT!!! Enough. We had just closed on a new house, started renovations, thank god I didn't sell the house I currently own and live in. I left him to the new place, gutted and all, NOT MY PROBLEM.
You will know when you've had enough, believe me. You will hit YOUR ROCK BOTTOM and then all you can do is pray for him to find his way. Best wishes to you Jen. Keep your chin up!! I'm sure you deserve better than who you are allowing yourself... Big hug!! We are here!!
Welcome. Sorry you are going thru this but glad you made it here. SR has been a life saver for me these last few months. With that being said...
Your question of how do you know when it's time to let go? I think for all of us it's different, it boils down to how much more are you willing to tolerate? My breaking point with my exh (not an A but had other addiction issues) was when he wouldn't get out of the car at the service station to put the gas in, expecting for me to do it instead....crazy right? That was the straw that broke the camels back! I laugh about it now when I think of him telling people I divorced him because he would'nt put gas in the car. Lol. A bit delusional ya think?
As far as my current situation, I found the strength to leave when I came upon him drinking again after we had just spent the evening 4 days earlier in the ER because he tripped, fell, busted his face open and that's what I found when coming home from work (he called into work that morning). THAT WAS IT!!! Enough. We had just closed on a new house, started renovations, thank god I didn't sell the house I currently own and live in. I left him to the new place, gutted and all, NOT MY PROBLEM.
You will know when you've had enough, believe me. You will hit YOUR ROCK BOTTOM and then all you can do is pray for him to find his way. Best wishes to you Jen. Keep your chin up!! I'm sure you deserve better than who you are allowing yourself... Big hug!! We are here!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
One thing is certain, you're not to blame for his drinking and especially not for his relapse. He has just thrown the accusation of you putting pressure on him to transfer the blame.
He's not ready to stop drinking. Have a think about where this leaves you and decide whether you want another few years of this.
He's not ready to stop drinking. Have a think about where this leaves you and decide whether you want another few years of this.
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