am I over-reacting or is my boyfriend drinking excessively?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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am I over-reacting or is my boyfriend drinking excessively?
Hi everyone, I hope this is the right forum to post.
I'm dating and engaged to a man, and I'm not sure if he is an alcoholic. My dad and a lot of my uncles are recovering or alcoholics, and while he doesn't drink to excess like them, he does drink quite a bit I think. He doesn't seem to think that he does, and he thinks that he doesn't drink any more than any other person from his 'background' and social circle.
I'm not sure what to do or think, I've tried talking to him and he gets defensive and angry with me. He tells me that it's his decision to slow down and I don't have a say in it, which is true, I can't make him stop. I'm just concerned over his health and I want to know what I can expect from him, regarding that, since he knows that drinking to excess is a deal-breaker. I was hoping someone could let me know if it sounds like he has a problem, or if I'm just being overly critical because of my past with growing up in an alcoholic family?
- He doesn't go out and drink excessively, getting black-out drunk or driving and putting others in danger. I don't worry about him getting into bar fights or anything. When he does drink, it's usually at home, by himself or with me, playing video games or just relaxing. He tends to drink more after I leave for the night. Sometimes he'll drink as many as 12 beer a night.
- He buys groceries before buying beer if it's a decision between the two (my dad always used to buy beer before food for his kids)
- He has went to work hung-over sometimes.
- He drinks 2-3 schooners when we go to a bar. He is usually okay to drive. We are usually there for 2-3 hours.
- He will go through a 24 pack on average per week. Including how much he drinks when he goes out (once or twice a week), he probably drinks the equivalent of 36ish beer.
- He does get a bit mean to me when he has been drinking and I say something he doesn't like to hear. He hasn't hit me or assaulted me, just will say things that he knows hurt me (that he says aren't true, he's just trying to hurt me and he knows where my weaknesses are).
- He says that he used to drink more, like 12-14 a night, every night, and that he has slowed down. I didn't know him at this time, but remembering back to when I met him about eight months ago, there wasn't a night I was with him where he didn't drink. Now, he does take nights off with the drinking.
Does it sound like I'm over-reacting to it?
Another thing that confuses me, is that previously I had been mentioning that I was proud of him when he didn't drink that night, or that I was glad. I was hoping that this would show him I appreciated his efforts. He told me to stop doing that, that it isn't helping him. I asked him why, but he didn't really know, he said that it caused him to binge drink when I wasn't there. Does anyone have any insights into this, is it really better if I just dropped it and let whatever happens, happen?
Thank you for listening.
I'm dating and engaged to a man, and I'm not sure if he is an alcoholic. My dad and a lot of my uncles are recovering or alcoholics, and while he doesn't drink to excess like them, he does drink quite a bit I think. He doesn't seem to think that he does, and he thinks that he doesn't drink any more than any other person from his 'background' and social circle.
I'm not sure what to do or think, I've tried talking to him and he gets defensive and angry with me. He tells me that it's his decision to slow down and I don't have a say in it, which is true, I can't make him stop. I'm just concerned over his health and I want to know what I can expect from him, regarding that, since he knows that drinking to excess is a deal-breaker. I was hoping someone could let me know if it sounds like he has a problem, or if I'm just being overly critical because of my past with growing up in an alcoholic family?
- He doesn't go out and drink excessively, getting black-out drunk or driving and putting others in danger. I don't worry about him getting into bar fights or anything. When he does drink, it's usually at home, by himself or with me, playing video games or just relaxing. He tends to drink more after I leave for the night. Sometimes he'll drink as many as 12 beer a night.
- He buys groceries before buying beer if it's a decision between the two (my dad always used to buy beer before food for his kids)
- He has went to work hung-over sometimes.
- He drinks 2-3 schooners when we go to a bar. He is usually okay to drive. We are usually there for 2-3 hours.
- He will go through a 24 pack on average per week. Including how much he drinks when he goes out (once or twice a week), he probably drinks the equivalent of 36ish beer.
- He does get a bit mean to me when he has been drinking and I say something he doesn't like to hear. He hasn't hit me or assaulted me, just will say things that he knows hurt me (that he says aren't true, he's just trying to hurt me and he knows where my weaknesses are).
- He says that he used to drink more, like 12-14 a night, every night, and that he has slowed down. I didn't know him at this time, but remembering back to when I met him about eight months ago, there wasn't a night I was with him where he didn't drink. Now, he does take nights off with the drinking.
Does it sound like I'm over-reacting to it?
Another thing that confuses me, is that previously I had been mentioning that I was proud of him when he didn't drink that night, or that I was glad. I was hoping that this would show him I appreciated his efforts. He told me to stop doing that, that it isn't helping him. I asked him why, but he didn't really know, he said that it caused him to binge drink when I wasn't there. Does anyone have any insights into this, is it really better if I just dropped it and let whatever happens, happen?
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Lily,
If his drinking is a problem for YOU then it's a problem. Is he an alcoholic? Who knows. Only he can tell you that. Have you asked him? DO NOT be afraid to rock the boat. Seems as if you would need an honest answer to continue on otherwise you probably wouldn't be asking the question here. I asked the question 2 years ago to my ex-ABF. His answer was no. Three years later I now know he was lying, again, THREE YEARS LATER. Please try not to bury your head in the sand by comparing him to other alcoholics you know. They are all different but all the same.... Good luck to you. Wishing you the best!
If his drinking is a problem for YOU then it's a problem. Is he an alcoholic? Who knows. Only he can tell you that. Have you asked him? DO NOT be afraid to rock the boat. Seems as if you would need an honest answer to continue on otherwise you probably wouldn't be asking the question here. I asked the question 2 years ago to my ex-ABF. His answer was no. Three years later I now know he was lying, again, THREE YEARS LATER. Please try not to bury your head in the sand by comparing him to other alcoholics you know. They are all different but all the same.... Good luck to you. Wishing you the best!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
There are many websites and organizations that define alcoholism and what is drinking alcoholically.
For women the norm is 1 drink per day and men 2 drinks. Drinking to exceed .08 is impairing and mind altering.
For someone to drink an average between 3 and 4 cases per week is very alarming and a huge red flag. Dropping down to 2 six packs a day is not significant progress to "normal" drinking patterns.
Preoccupation with alcohol is a huge red flag and it appears to be the center of his universe.
8 months is not a long time to know someone and alcoholism is both chronic and progressive.
I would proceed with caution and learn all you can about alcoholism and relationships before making any long term commitments.
For women the norm is 1 drink per day and men 2 drinks. Drinking to exceed .08 is impairing and mind altering.
For someone to drink an average between 3 and 4 cases per week is very alarming and a huge red flag. Dropping down to 2 six packs a day is not significant progress to "normal" drinking patterns.
Preoccupation with alcohol is a huge red flag and it appears to be the center of his universe.
8 months is not a long time to know someone and alcoholism is both chronic and progressive.
I would proceed with caution and learn all you can about alcoholism and relationships before making any long term commitments.
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
We are only caretakers for ourselves. It is that simple.
Being an alcoholic myself I can tell you that only he can change himself; and he'll have to decide how, and when.
You can only take care of you, and focus on that; to try and do anything else means you are not being fair to anyone.
Welcome to SR, Good Luck with your Recovery.
Being an alcoholic myself I can tell you that only he can change himself; and he'll have to decide how, and when.
You can only take care of you, and focus on that; to try and do anything else means you are not being fair to anyone.
Welcome to SR, Good Luck with your Recovery.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LilyE.....He is drinking excessively. My suggestion for you is to, first thing, educate y ourself about this disease. There is a lot to know. You should, in my opinion, at least, know what y ou are up against.
In the stickies at the top of the forum page, you will find a sort of condensed "boot camp" amount of information. Especially, in the section called: "Classic Readings".
Welcome!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
In the stickies at the top of the forum page, you will find a sort of condensed "boot camp" amount of information. Especially, in the section called: "Classic Readings".
Welcome!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the replies.
That is true, it is causing issues in our relationship and prevents us from moving forward as we both want to (marriage and kids). I really don't want to raise children in the same situation as I was raised in. While he isn't as excessive as some, I suppose, it is an issue, and every situation is different, true.
It is a hard thing to accept, but I can't take care of him regarding this, I know. I can only control what I do, and take care of myself. I probably need to decide what is "acceptable" for our relationship and leave if that isn't reached. Two six packs a night is a lot, and it really does seem like his universe revolves around drinking, and it really bothers me, since that isn't the sort of life I want to lead, not with drinking in the centre. I really want to focus on family and such, travel, life experiences, you know.
I have tried talking to him, and he usually gets defensive and angry. He says that he is giving me what I want (slowing down) and that he really only drinks to excess when he is stressed or when he is upset (like when we broke up about a month ago). Those aren't good reasons to be drinking and aren't good ways to handle stress though. He knows how I feel about it and what I want, and he just wants me to drop it and let him deal with it on his own. The problem is that I don't know what "dealing with it" means, and he doesn't want to make promises or tell me what I can expect. Eight months isn't that long at all, you can't know someone in eight months, definitely.
Thank you all again!
That is true, it is causing issues in our relationship and prevents us from moving forward as we both want to (marriage and kids). I really don't want to raise children in the same situation as I was raised in. While he isn't as excessive as some, I suppose, it is an issue, and every situation is different, true.
It is a hard thing to accept, but I can't take care of him regarding this, I know. I can only control what I do, and take care of myself. I probably need to decide what is "acceptable" for our relationship and leave if that isn't reached. Two six packs a night is a lot, and it really does seem like his universe revolves around drinking, and it really bothers me, since that isn't the sort of life I want to lead, not with drinking in the centre. I really want to focus on family and such, travel, life experiences, you know.
I have tried talking to him, and he usually gets defensive and angry. He says that he is giving me what I want (slowing down) and that he really only drinks to excess when he is stressed or when he is upset (like when we broke up about a month ago). Those aren't good reasons to be drinking and aren't good ways to handle stress though. He knows how I feel about it and what I want, and he just wants me to drop it and let him deal with it on his own. The problem is that I don't know what "dealing with it" means, and he doesn't want to make promises or tell me what I can expect. Eight months isn't that long at all, you can't know someone in eight months, definitely.
Thank you all again!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lily- Good for you for questioning that something is not right. Believe in your instincts. You lived it, you know what its like growing up in an alcoholic home. Good for you for wanting a healthy relationship. You will never, ever get that with a drinking alcoholic. Alcohol is their number one love.
Alcoholism is progressive, so just because you can live with him drinking today, doesn't mean that next year will be the same. I know you are questioning on how much he drinks, as it really doesn't matter. I thought being with someone 34 years that I could "fix" him, make him not a drunk anymore. Doesn't work. Until they are ready to get sober, you and i have nothing to do with it. I divorced my A and I wished I was wise enough 30 years ago when I thought he was just a "partier" and a good guy, so much fun. He has hurt me, my kids, my family, his family. I am sorry for this outlook, but this is what happens if you marry an A, its not pretty!!
Hugs my friend. You don't need to make any decisions about your life. Do your homework, educate yourself. Believe in yourself to make the right decision for your future.
Alcoholism is progressive, so just because you can live with him drinking today, doesn't mean that next year will be the same. I know you are questioning on how much he drinks, as it really doesn't matter. I thought being with someone 34 years that I could "fix" him, make him not a drunk anymore. Doesn't work. Until they are ready to get sober, you and i have nothing to do with it. I divorced my A and I wished I was wise enough 30 years ago when I thought he was just a "partier" and a good guy, so much fun. He has hurt me, my kids, my family, his family. I am sorry for this outlook, but this is what happens if you marry an A, its not pretty!!
Hugs my friend. You don't need to make any decisions about your life. Do your homework, educate yourself. Believe in yourself to make the right decision for your future.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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LilyE alcoholism is a progressive disease. 18 years ago my now exah drank 6 beers a night. He is now at end stage alcoholism with probably 3 months to live. My children have gone through hell. I have gone through hell. Our family was destroyed by his progressive drinking. If you stay with him do not expect it to get better. Your dreams for a family, travel and life experiences will all go on the back burner. With an active alcoholic is is ALL about them. With a recovering one ( assuming he decides he wants recovery ) it is ALL about them. My only way to make it about me and my kids was to walk away. I wasted 18 year of my life. My children's childhoods were ruined and we can never get it back.
You want marriage and kids. He wants to drink. Is he an alcoholic you ask? I think you already know the answer to that or you wouldn't be here.
You want marriage and kids. He wants to drink. Is he an alcoholic you ask? I think you already know the answer to that or you wouldn't be here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think there are a lot of folks out there who qualify as "potential alcoholics"--my own alcoholism didn't manifest as something I could no longer control till I was in my 40s.
You got some good advice here. If ANYTHING about your relationship causes you stress and anxiety--whether it's just your reaction or something the other person can (but won't) control--then do you really want that relationship? Intimate relationships should be a haven from stress, not something that produces it. Sounds like you'd be a lot happier in a relationship with someone who drinks only occasionally or not at all. There are people out there who rarely drink just because they aren't into it.
You got some good advice here. If ANYTHING about your relationship causes you stress and anxiety--whether it's just your reaction or something the other person can (but won't) control--then do you really want that relationship? Intimate relationships should be a haven from stress, not something that produces it. Sounds like you'd be a lot happier in a relationship with someone who drinks only occasionally or not at all. There are people out there who rarely drink just because they aren't into it.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by LilyE 
Two six packs a night is a lot, and it really does seem like his universe revolves around drinking, and it really bothers me, since that isn't the sort of life I want to lead, not with drinking in the centre. I really want to focus on family and such, travel, life experiences, you know.
Alcoholism is progressive. You can't stop it. Your boyfriend won't quit for you or for your relationship no matter how much he loves you. That is harsh but I believe it to be true.
He is trying to minimize his drinking and make it seem like you are the one with the problem.
Life with an active alcoholic will never be smooth and you (and your children, if you choose to bring them into this relationship) will always come second.
I am a recovering alcoholic living with an active alcoholic.
Again, my heart goes out to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
He is drinking excessively; I can't say he's an alcoholic, but he sounds like one to me. He can't cut down any more, drinks to relieve stress, it's causing stress in your relationship, and he gets aggro when drunk. I've known quite a few working men who drink as a habit, and they're not good husbands although they get on well with their mates.
Look as his actions, not what he says or promises. Can you imagine a house with a couple of young children and him still drinking his 2 x 6 packs every night?
Look as his actions, not what he says or promises. Can you imagine a house with a couple of young children and him still drinking his 2 x 6 packs every night?
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