ArtFriend

I had a dream/nightmare last night that was bizarre. I was being chased by this shadowy figure. I couldn't tell if it was a man or woman or what. I stayed ahead for awhile but then I got trapped. I was panic stricken, looking for anyway out. Then I heard the figure say, "look at me!" I didn't want to... but it kept imploring me. Finally I turned around and saw that it was ME! I knew it was me, but I asked who she was anyway. She said, "I am you!" So I asked why she was chasing me.... she said, "I am your past. You must kill me so you can grow". That is when the dream ended.

It was scary. But in the light of day I understand clearly what it means. I am being trapped by my past and it is absorbing all of my energy which is needed to force into the future. "The Past" wanted me to kill her... metaphorically of course. How?? How does one move on from the past that is so laden with weight and sorrow?

SoberLeigh

Wow; powerful dream, ArtFriend.

I don't think it is possible to 'kill the past' but I think that it is possible to come to terms with it. You and your therapist have been working on that.

Working on each today as it comes and making it a day you are comfortable with helps the past, too, as each such day soon becomes a part of your past.

As you continue to 'look back, you will eventually see the past that you and your therapist have worked through/resolved and the recent past that you are proud of and which contains goodness.

Live today well, dear ArtFriend.

Elizabeth333

What a powerful post! Endlessly remembering some of my past mistakes and horrors - kept me drinking longer. At this point in sobriety, I have let it go - and now I feel fresh and my loved ones sense that. Not so simple, but really quite simple - if that makes sense!

brynn

Wow Art! Vivid and scary!

The past is tricky business indeed. I struggle with this, too. Just wanted you to know you're not alone and I hope you find a way to work through the icky stuff. I think it would be great if you showed your therapist your post. Powerful stuff there.
Xoxo

ScottFromWI

I am not sure if your therapist has recommended it or not, but them concept of mindfulness and the related practice of meditation has been very helpful to me in regard to not only the past, but also future worries that feed my anxiety.

There is of course the idea of the serenity prayer too, which can apply to anyone, not just those in AA.

Whatever happens in our past happened. It influences our life, but it doesn't control our life. It also doesn't predetermine our fate. You don't have to look any further than SR to see many who have overcome bewildering odds and turned their lives around. And the power/knowledge to do it already exists inside you.

Saskia

AF, in my own experience, both therapy and tincture of time eventually worked to free me from the bad things in my past. It's such a gradual process that it can seem like forever ... until you suddenly find yourself over the hump. We are who we are because of what we lived through rather than in spite of it. We can come to a place of peace and acceptance.

ArtFriend

Thank you all for your great insight and kind words.

Aellyce

Oh wow Art, that's a classic, and how direct imagery and message! Your dream reminded me of a short film (music video) made by someone who suffers from narcolepsy and the intense dreams coming with it... I saw it many years ago and liked a lot, have been trying to find it for you now but I seem to have forgotten all the proper key words to search. Will post it here if it comes back later. It was very much a typical Freudian tale: the character is chased by three shadowy figures wearing face masks... and in the end she finally turns to face them, and then the "ghosts" take off their masks revealing themselves as same as the haunted person. It's quite cool.

As for dealing with the past... well, I am of a belief that killing it is not possible, or even if it seems like a possibility, it's more dissociation or compartmentalization that may lead to further problems, rather than solution. I tried to eliminate parts (very essential parts, I must say) of me in the past, trying to do this on my own... all it led to was some pretty serious turmoil that was important part of the development of my alcoholism. And then what felt like a long string of repetitions of trying to find those things externally... or turning myself into a lovesick self-absorbed sufferer longing for what I tried to kill endlessly, projecting it in all sorts of weird ways... did not work at all.

I would say there is probably no true and really effective way through and out than facing it and processing it. Speaking of dreams... I've had a lot of great experiences doing that sort of work in lucid dream states, where I have conscious control over the unfolding of the dream. For example, in something like your dream, I would get into "conversations" with the dream character that is chasing me or is making me uncomfortable, asking questions about his/her intentions, wishes, feelings, identity etc. Then trying to understand and be accepting. Of course it does not work easily with stuff that is really disturbing and highly unprocessed, but I've had lots of successes with this kind of "self therapy" that were very transformational experiences. Of course it's highly limited as it's just yourself interacting with yourself and there is no other intervention... and also the mind has powerful defenses to distract from manipulating it intentionally in a dream state. Of course I will echo the others about therapy with the obvious that it's not going to be either fast or easy especially if you have a lot of resistance... definitely a longer term game that requires willingness, trust and patience. I imagine that for you to experience this truly effectively, you would need to be willing to face and experience a lot of that sadness, fear and anger (or whatever) in your therapy work in some form, which is of course hard stuff. For me, the anger the is most difficult one, because my default is that I tend to turn it against myself and it can become like a black hole as a defense, not letting anything out just pulling me down into all sorts of craziness. But in reality, it's internalized anger from far past. I definitely recognize progress in myself now in my ability to react to situations more appropriately, defending myself directly instead of drowning in repressed rages and hurting myself, but I still need to learn how to be more comfortable with it and use it much better. It's really long term work.

EndGameNYC

For Carl Jung, the "shadow" is that part of ourselves that we keep secret, even to ourselves. It's the "dark side" in the lexicon of Star Wars.

Your past will continue to haunt you unless something dramatic is done -- "killing" it. If it truly wanted to die, or could die, it would turn to suicide. In this way, it doesn't have absolute power, and it's attempting to tell you this. There's also a suggestion of killing off yourself, your present self. Essentially, one of the two needs to "die."

But how can you kill your past when you recognize it as you, know that it's you? It's who you've become without your consent. It's in charge. It horrifies you and panics you in your sleep. Even in the dream it tells you what to "do."

We can't change the past. We all know this. As your dream tells you in dramatic fashion, we cannot simply ignore it either. Yet the more we indulge our past, the more demanding and the more intrusive it becomes in our present. We see our shadow everywhere. We become suspicious and distrustful. We see and hear criticism where it does not exist. We process abandonment by hurtful others as loss rather than relief. We teach ourselves to become helpless in relation to our shadow and all its iterations in our waking life. Thus is fear not only born, but nourished. And then we look for and collect evidence in support of our suspicions. We assume the work of others by building a case against ourselves. In other words, a nightmare.

What needs to "die" is your past living in your present. That's what your dream says.

As I restructured my life, my thinking, my perceptions, and the way I processed my feelings, my past receded into the background where it belongs. A banal chronicle of events, written as though on a piece of paper, about as horrifying as driving directions to the beach, rather than a grotesque and morbid puppeteer with homicidal intent.

From what I've gathered, you're currently in talk therapy. Seems as though you've got a lot to talk about in your next session.

Aellyce

Here, I've found it. Not sure why the video is minimized like that in a smaller window, and why so poor quality, it wasn't like this before when I first saw it years ago, it's kinda hard to see the details but what I was suggesting is in the end.

The title "inner chatter" -- isn't that accurate?



On the issue of getting away from the past or letting it fade into something that's no longer intruding on everything, all those ingrained feelings, ways of coping etc, simply by quitting some bad habits, building a new great life... well that's exactly how I tried to manage in my entire adulthood and reinvented myself several times. Yes it works, to a certain extent. But for me it seems limited and I do run into many of the old issues no matter where I try to run and how cool it seems to be... why I've decided to finally look at the whole universe in a comprehensive way, as deeply as possible for me. It's not for everyone and for every issue I know that, but one possibility.

ArtFriend

Endgame and Aellyce - Thank you for taking the time to respond. What you have said resonated with me. I wasn't able to bring up that video. Maybe I can try in Youtube?

I would like to respond with more depth. So please look for my response tomorrow. Thanks!

Buggirl

Amazing dream! I have day dreams every day about my past and it eats at me! I have a photographic memory and it's like a re run of every horrible moment of my past and most involves alcohol!
I think that it must get easier but it won't stop right now !

GroundhogDay

By creating good, new memories to look back on later. By stopping yourself when you find yourself remembering something negative from the past. Do something quick to change your focus. If I am really upset, I read a really good, engrossing novel. I also find taking a trip away from my usual surroundings helps.

DuhDave

Your past is not your future potential !

Let go !

Disconnect.

DD

Aellyce

So?