TerpGal

RAHs 1 year of sobriety is coming up in a few short weeks. Also coming up is MY one year mark of giving this relationship a year and reassessing. The more and more I have thought about it........there is something missing between us.

I realized it's the romantic love. It's gone, and has been for a long time. At least on my end. He does not feel the same way. I LOVE RAH, yes. But I love him in a bff's sort of way, not the way spouses are supposed to love each other. To me, we're roommates who have a good time together and care about each other. I have no desire to have a physical relationship with him. There is zero intimacy because I still seriously don't trust him.

Once it's gone can you ever get it back. Do I really WANT it back, with him? Idk. In a lot of ways...well in all ways this has been the WORST year of my life and one of the best (albeit difficult-he has told me this) for him. He has the reward of sobriety.....nothing good has shaken out for me at all.

SnoozyQ

Hiya Terpgal

Maybe you have answered your own question.
I believe yes , you CAN get back what you once had but it needs to work both ways & you can't go into it half hearted.

Do you love him ?

Every relationship has a honeymoon period .a lot of couples believe that once that initial euphoria has worn off , that you mustn't love each other anymore

This isn't true , it just means you are going into another phase of your relationship & this can actually be the best part :-)

You're really the only one who can answer this sweetheart , but kudos to him for getting to a year sober.

He must really love you as this can be a time when an alcoholic will leave a partner as it's what he was comfortable with whilst drinking.
Just be totally honest with each other , sit down have a coffee & just come straight out with your feelings and ask him where he sees himself in a few years.

If you have a great time together , you're very lucky , he sounds like a great companion , but only you know how you truly feel.

Good luck , I really wish you both the best xxx

CodeJob

Hello TerpGal!

I think you have done a lot of work on yourself this past year. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Didn't you take on some serious therapy? Switched jobs? Dealt a bit with your family of origin and faith? Oh and treatment for depression?

If you feel you still do not trust him and you are emotionally and mentally stable in your assessment, then maybe it is time to end the marriage.

Peace in your heart.

redatlanta

It seems the back and forth over remaining married has been a consistent them over the past year.

I need to ask what it is you don't trust - is it the alcoholism and staying sober? I reread through your threads - he was abusive to you at one time. Are you concerned about that type behavior returning? Was he unfaithful to you and that is part of this?

It takes time to rebuild trust. I agree with Snoozy that relationships go through phases and the initial lust part of them dies a fairly early death in marriage. It should be replaced by a deeper bond. That's not to say the physical intimacy dies it just changes. Sometimes it does seem to die and you ave to make effort to revive it.

Another recurring theme in your threads is exhaustion in the work to make changes in the marriage. I do understand that. A BFF in marriage is a good thing. II'm questioning whether the issues you have had to deal with yourself are part of this - like ending the marriage and focus on that is taking focus off of internal situations that you might be tired of dealing with also.

cynical one

If this is as good as it gets...is it good enough?

Hangnbyathread

It never came back for me. Too much damage done. I could never feel the same way towards her again.

LexieCat

That's the way I ultimately felt after fourteen years married to a guy who had been sober since the year before we got married. I wound up leaving because after trying to "get it back" it didn't seem as if either one of us would have what we wanted in a marriage.

We ARE still very close friends to this day--20 years after I left. I don't know that we could have maintained as good a relationship if I'd stayed. I think one or both of us would have been very unhappy.

One thing you might try is marriage counseling. It didn't fix things in our case, but it did give me the assurance I needed to feel I had done what I could--that I had made an effort before I gave up.

It was very, very tough to make the decision to leave.

dandylion

TerpGal......I have never been in a relationship with an addict.....However, I have been in relationships where the romantic aspect was lost----and, in every case, it never returned.

I don't think that a person should be "required" to stay in a loveless marriage.....

dandylion

aasharon90

In my 25 yr marriage, about 7 yrs
before recovery and the rest sober.
It was I with an addiction problem
and he was the one with no addiction.

I Got married while in my addiction
and so all my reasons for getting married
centered around it. Once I got sober and
began to learn about my addiction and
all the reasons why I drank I then realized
I had to take full responsibility for all my
own actions.

All my life I was looking for love in people
places and things to compensate for the
loss of what I didn't receive from one of
my sick parents. That nurturing factor one
needs from a mother.

The verbal, physical and emotional abuse
sustained as a child from her gave me a
horrible platform to live my own life upon.

So in recovery I had to learn many important
things needed in life in a sober healthy way
if I was to continue on in my recovery journey.

Sure I wanted to be married forever like I
always admired from those who remained
married for many many yrs. However, 25yrs.
is nothing to sneeze at especially if one in
the marriage is in recovery.

As time went on, I realized that my marriage
wasn't gonna make it as long as honesty was
not practiced on a daily bases. It wouldn't be fair
to the other if there were lies and unhappiness,
lack of communication and understanding on
both sides.

So, with much prayers and continueing to
live within recovery, I was given an opportunity
to exit the marriage peacefully and successfully.
To me that was a blessing and gift in recovery
given from the Man upstairs.

Today, we are both remarried, no communication,
no remores or dislike for the other, just complete
separation and moving on in our lives.

Once I made that move and became completely
honest in all my affairs, a new door opened to a
life I had never known before. It was like a huge
boulder was lifted off my shoulders and I was
FREE. A FREEDOM I have not experienced before.

I don't regret the past nor shut the door on any
of my experiences but use it to learn and grow
from to become the best person I can possibly
be in all my affairs and now in my 7 yr marriage.

Im definitely still growing and maturing in recovery.

NYCDoglvr

Romantic love is part of courtship and dating. I don't think it typically lasts long in the familiarity of marriage, although it resurfaces from time to time. But it sounds like there's more going on, which is understandable with an alcoholic and all the hurtful words and actions that are typically part of the disease. Anger and resentment lead to loss of intimacy and can sometimes be healed. Better to ask yourself if you trust and respect him. Without those two things I don't know how much of a relationship is possible. Alanon can be a big help; it saved my sanity.

PohsFriend

Terp - I just posted an update about 3 years from where you are right now.

I got it wrong - way wrong - when I was where you are and I don't know if you have or not but year one of recovery is hard for both people. I have no idea if you have gone to therapy, worked al-anon or any of that.

Somewhere along the way she got well and I got sick... or she got well enough that my maladies were easier to spot but it sucked when I realized that only a very sick man would have gotten involved with such a sick girl and vice versa. There is no shame in being sick. We all have various hurts and fears and I've met so many wonderful people through my wife's aa program and now through my own long overdue al-anon program that I realize that it's the most caring and kindhearted folks sometimes who wind up here. Insensitive and uncaring people don't give a **** about what others think :-) We do.

You may find you are carrying a lot of stuff around with you. It's pretty hard when we see someone we have idealized go through rock bottom, they can't get there without disappointing and hurting us on the way and an alcoholic in recovery, especially early on, can be very selfish because frankly they have to be. My wife's illness stressed me and my failure to deal with that caused me to get depressed but my depression threatened her sobriety so she did the right thing. She got the hell away from me until I woke up. At first I thought "Really? After all the **** I went through because of your problems you are gong to turn and walk out when I hit a bump?" Well, yes, I sure as hell hope she would because this ain't a fair deal. In a fair world recovery would be something different but in our world recovery means the alcoholic HAS TO focus on one thing only and it ain't us. That's why al-anon or other support is so critical for us, supporting another person in recovery is not a reciprocal deal.

Read the thread I just put up. One year in I was exhausted and I had some doubts. You don't have to be certain to keep working ;-)

Hang in there. It's a tough road but there are some spectacular views ahead

Cmslind

Even if my ABF got sober (really sober) I could never be with him again because he completely destroyed my trust, and trust is the basis for a healthy romantic relationship (to me). Perhaps rebuilding trust is possible--and I'm sure it can be done--but I can't imagine it in my situation after seven years of instability with the ABF. Even if he got sober, I'd always be on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

TerpGal

Thanks all. I do go to therapy weekly with a therapist that has a lot of experience with addicts and a lot of experience with trauma. I did al anon for a while but I just don't buy into the 12 step model, or even the philosophy behind it. It's way too "one size fits all" for me.

I know the hearts and flowers aspect of a relationship doesn't last. RAH and I have been together for 14 years, married for almost 9 of them. We had a lot of good years. Much of the married years however, we're really bad with his drinking. The development of our relationship was stopped in its tracks.

I don't trust that any of the changes he has made are real. Like I am waiting all the time for the facade to drop. Not only do I have no desire for physical intimacy, it actually makes me recoil when he touches me.

I had a lot of trouble trusting people to begin with because of my foo issues. I trusted him. I trusted his family. After what happened, it trust no one anymore. A very lonely place to be.

Hangnbyathread

It isn't lonely. There are plenty of us here...:-)

TERP, you got this figured out. I spent a lot of time 2nd guessing my feelings etc. Its all a vortex as long as you're stuck in it. Once removed, it becomes abundantly clear that you were dealing with a person that made YOU part of that world rather than the other way around.

My ex SWORE there was changes. We have been split for a year almost. She is drinking, sleeping around, etc. In short, nothing has changed. She just doesn't need to hide it anymore. So in her world, the change was, she got away from another problem......which was me....and before that, it was anyone else she was with.

FeelingGreat

Terp, on its own the lack of romantic feeling towards RAH isn't a killer. Lots of people go through this stage in their marriages, and if they can re-kindle their original attraction to their partner with the help of a therapist, then their prospects are good. Staying together has lots of advantages.
An obstacle to this in your case is the lack of physical intimacy. With a few exceptions a marriage can't survive indefinitely without it. You might struggle on for a while, but intimacy is one of the glues that hold a couple together. Most woman need to have affectionate feelings toward their partner, and you're actually repelled by him, so it doesn't look good.
Of course there's the trust issue. If you could resolve that, would you feel more positive towards him? It would take a MC who was very positive about marriage, and good will on yours and AH's part. It might clarify your mind on whether to go or stay.
If you're not up for MC, maybe it's time to face the fact that your marriage will end at some point, and start planning for it.

TerpGal

Lots to think about. We used to have a great sex life, until the bad drinking started. It was when he was blackout drunk that he would want sex. That's also the time when he was physically abusive. So we stopped having sex much and that spilled over into his super angry time before he got drunk at night. He would accuse me of being frigid, and "ice queen" or "asexual". So yeah, it was a huge issue.

Now, of he touches me all I can picture is being drunkenly pawed at like an animal with hot boozy breath in my face. Not a good mental image but that's immediately where my mind goes. Ugh.........a lot like my other PTSD flashbacks. We could do MC but my head definitely is not where it needs to be. My mental health his vastly deteriorated over the last year and my depression is unbearable at times. So much so that I've been told it's time to think about ECT. So I don't know how useful marriage counselling would be.

Liveitwell

Terpgal-please know that I understand how you feel when it comes to physical intamacy. When my ex and I were still married I dealt with the same thing-I really had no desire for a long time to have sex with him-because of all of the things he did to me while drunk (some of those things were denied) and truth be told I do not ever want to be intimate with someone that is lying to me straight to my face (drinking/every darn day a new lie). Of course I got blamed-he'd get mad at me for not being affectionate or starting things with him/I was honest with him telling him I didn't feel loved by him at all and that all his drunk things took away every ounce of passion I had for him. There were many a night I cringed when he would get into bed. Not a good sign in a marriage. :/ just wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through-I've battled depression as well but it does get better.

gleefan

I can really relate to the crossroads where you find yourself in your marriage. I don't advocate procrastinating, but I am trying to take my time figuring out what to do. The way I'm approaching it is to focus on myself, my recovery, my depression, my growth - then see if AH fits. Personal growth takes time!

I wanted to take extreme action - something to kickstart my life! - but I knew from seeing my own mother take extreme action after extreme action make that leaving AH to relieve my stagnation wasn't the answer.

Still, I didn't know what was. So I stayed on the path of recovery. Working on my recovery, from my own alcoholism and codependency, had helped relieve the depression and find motivation. I'm closer to the answers I'm seeking, irrespective of what's going on with him. I'd recommend addressing your depression and PRSD before making any decisions about your marriage.

Hugs!!

dandylion

TerpGal....just know that you don't have to stay in a m arriage if you don't want to.
Every marriage is different. Don't make your decisions based on what somebody else did in their marriage.

damdylion

redatlanta

Hmmmm. I do advocate that it is in most people's best interest to try and make a marriage work.

As I read what you have wrote I would say you have done that. You gave it a year. A year later you are still dealing with PTSD and other issues from being subjected to your husband's abuse and alcoholism.

I have not been subjected to physical abuse, I have been subjected to emotional. While your husband's black out antics may work as the umbrella explanation for why he did what he did I am reminded that a black out is just the failure to remember what you did, not that you didn't know what you were doing when you did it.

There is nothing wrong at this point with you deciding to move on from this relationship. Not everything can be fixed, things can be forgiven and not forgotten. I love Robin Williams very honest answer to why his 20 year marriage ended two years after he got sober "she forgave me but she couldn't recover from what I did".

Have you ever thought about just separating for the time being? it may give you the clarity you need to decide where you want to go with this.