Can you get it back once its gone?

Old 07-16-2015, 06:03 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
mry
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I'm still trying to figure out the answer to that question for myself. I've been separated almost 3 years, RAH sober 21 months and working AA. I go to Alanon and therapy. We do MC weekly. The first year I could not have lived with him. He was blaming, angry and reactive. After 18 months, he began to be able to work on relating to the kids. We recently discussed the idea that all people deserve respect and kindness because he believes it's ok to treat people disrespectfully if he thinks they have disrespected him. This is his rational for treating me disrespectfully. Last week was our first MC session that did not involve him overreacting, blaming, and yelling at me or the therapist.

I would not be in this marriage or even attempting to see if it can be repaired if we lived together. That would just be more than I could emotionally manage. Living separate allows me the time to recover so that wherever my marriage ends up, I'll be in a better place to handle it. I try to just focus on doing as much work on myself as I can while I have the space to do it.

Good luck TG. There are no easy answers regardless of what you choose to do. Both are hard.
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Old 07-16-2015, 06:33 AM
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I really like the idea of "she forgave me, but could not recover from what I did."

My exhusband & I never got it back. Granted, there was physical and emotional abuse, and lots of it. But the thought of living a life tied to him literally made my stomach turn after I saw what he was capable of. SO much anxiety in never knowing "who" he actually was...this horrific, mean person when he's out of drugs or is he actually the sweet guy that he is when he's high? I was tired of never knowing what i'd get on any given day. it is exhausting.

so i just removed myself from the equation, let him fall flat on his face. he ended up in rehab & (for now) is about 200 days sober. we have a child & only communicate when needed. he isn't playing a father role at the moment because he's in IOP, working, etc. Not fair to my daughter - but addiction is selfish - recovery is too.

Sometimes the damage is done & you're better off to leave the pieces.
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Old 07-16-2015, 06:55 AM
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I think that anxiouswife's experience is true for a huge number of marriages/relationships. Just too much damage done to all parties. To much water under the bridge.

It is good to be able to identify the reality and accept it for what it is. Otherwise, I think a p erson can remained chained to a boulder for quite a long time....

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Old 07-16-2015, 07:34 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anxiouswife2 View Post
I really like the idea of "she forgave me, but could not recover from what I did."

My exhusband & I never got it back. Granted, there was physical and emotional abuse, and lots of it. But the thought of living a life tied to him literally made my stomach turn after I saw what he was capable of. SO much anxiety in never knowing "who" he actually was...this horrific, mean person when he's out of drugs or is he actually the sweet guy that he is when he's high? I was tired of never knowing what i'd get on any given day. it is exhausting.

so i just removed myself from the equation, let him fall flat on his face. he ended up in rehab & (for now) is about 200 days sober. we have a child & only communicate when needed. he isn't playing a father role at the moment because he's in IOP, working, etc. Not fair to my daughter - but addiction is selfish - recovery is too.

Sometimes the damage is done & you're better off to leave the pieces.
That's the maddening and infuriating part. We had years, many of them, before alcohol took him. He became someone else. Basically dad 2.0. RAH has NEVER liked him but God, during those years, they could have been the same person. RAH doesn't go to AA, but he takes time each day, to meditate, to work out. Spiritually, his beliefs range somewhere along the lines of Buddhism, but he hasn't become a Buddhist.

If something bad happens, he is able to take it in stride instead of falling apart. It's something like what he was before the drinking, but more mature. Measured.

It's all pretty infuriating really. How can almost overnight he goes from a monster to what he is now? He is remorseful for what happened but doesn't dwell on what a horrible person he is. That makes me REALLY angry. If *I* did something like that.......well......I would never do such a thing. I hate to say it, but I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me. I want to see it on his face, the horror of what's happened. I KNOW that's sooooo messed up but I can't help it.

There have been things that have happened in the past year, that would have sent his spiraling before........but he didn't. The logical part of me sees this progress. The other part of me can't forget that this was the same face that caused all that pain for so many years.

He's a good person. I knew it before, I always knew he could be there again. That's what makes this hard.

I don't think I'm in a place to leave him right now. I'm not in a place to work on this either. I am more sick in the head than he *ever* was and worrying about this relationship is a convenient distraction to what I really need to do which is to say to he'll with anyone else, I have to fix me.

So I guess I should just take my own hint and not worry about it right now. Let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:54 AM
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You have gotten a lot of wonderful responses. I don't have any advice...except take the time you need to strengthen yourself. You'll make the right decision for you. Have faith.
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Old 07-16-2015, 09:27 PM
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Terp,

I understand the difficult dilemma you're in. I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling.

One simple day at a time, by working a 12 step program, my life is changing in amazing ways. I debated for a very long time whether Alanon was what I wanted or was willing to do, what it's merits where, etc. I found every excuse possible to not walk through the door, and then to not go back again. Now I have found time and again that it doesn't matter why it works, just that it does if I am willing to do the work. It took me a long time to be willing, and that's okay. I'm getting to a very good place in my life in my own time.

I have several Alanon friends who swear the program saved their lives, but the only reason they did the work was because they were determined to prove the program doesn't work. And then they found it did.

It's not the only way to heal, it's just one way that's helped many. There are other ways to heal also. Awareness of how you're feeling and wanting some kind of change sounds like good places to be, even though they can be very difficult places to sit in.

I found time away from my husband critical to my recovery, so I would have time away from my subconscious responses to him.

Do you have work you enjoy or find rewarding? Hobbies? Physical activity to let out some of the frustration?

You are important. It's okay to hold onto any sadness, anger and resentments until you're ready to let them go, in whatever way you find. That isn't for him, it's for you. So you can be at peace. When you do let go of them, it still doesn't mean you need to stay in your marriage. He left it first, a long time ago. There is no need for you to feel any shame or guilt in either staying or leaving.
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Old 07-16-2015, 10:32 PM
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A little more thought on this. It's taken 1 1/2 years of me working my recovery before I'm starting to see much more of what's going on within myself. I wasn't ready before. I'm needing to release these things in my own time, as my body, mind and soul are ready to deal with them.

My husband has only recently been able to start to face what he's put us through. He has now apologized in a much more meaningful way than ever before, but neither of us are ready to delve into those things too deeply right now, and I have truly forgiven him and don't need to. I'm okay with moving forward.

It's okay for you to NOT be okay with moving forward. Your feelings matter and you have a right to have your pain be acknowledged by your husband. Whether he's able or willing to face that isn't up to you, though. Whether he will ever be willing to look at what he's done and make amends for it remains to be seen. As you continue your own recovery, I do believe you'll find happiness. There are no wrong ways, just options and choices that will open up for you.
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Old 07-17-2015, 03:18 AM
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I was in a similar situation...my ABF (or RABF, I suppose) made it one year sober and I realized that way way too much damage had been done for us to bounce back. Good luck.
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Old 07-17-2015, 03:48 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Terp you've come to your own conclusions about this, which is that working on yourself is all you can do right now. If you're heavily depressed and suffering from PTSD you're not going to be thinking clearly. The fact that he's caused this but still doesn't get it would infuriate anyone, and unfortunately that's also something you have to carry. Not fair.
At least there's a lot of reputable information out there about how you can help yourself with depression and anxiety, while working with your therapists. Make it your project to get yourself as well as you can, but you can also reach out for help. You're not on your own.
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