iamthird

Why is it when us recovering codies finally stand up for ourselves that we feel bad inside? I am doing all the right things on the outside, but I still feel bad on the inside?? I want the inside of me to catch up with the outside of me...if that makes any sense!!

LexieCat

What brought this on?

iamthird

I have been doing all the textbook correct things...no contact, Alanon, SR, church, step study for codependency at church, excercising, hanging with friends...just letting attorney handle everything pertaining to DD7 and visitation. STBAXH constantly emailing me about how he just wants to see DD7 and how much he misses her and loves her, etc...

There are no orders in place yet, in period where he needs to respond to initial paperwork and hasn't yet, provide his financials, etc...so she is just with me all the time. He quacked and threatened to pick her up from her summer day camp and not return her to me so I dont feel comfortble taking her anywhere for daycare until custody orders are in place. So being that I work from home, its fine, I just keep her home with me.

He is on and off of sobriety, etc...But he is telling me via email he misses her (attorney said keep an open line of communication for child sake, because he is blocked on text). DD7 is expressing she misses him too...but its like for the first time I am holding my ground and not letting her go until orders are in place. I am being strong and not giving in to him or DD7 but I feel bad about it!!

ladyscribbler

That desire for external validation dies hard. Lillamy has a great saying- "When people pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased."
I had it deeply ingrained in me from childhood on that my value came from making other people happy, whether they wanted it or not (ha ha). So I still have those moments of feeling "mean" or "bad" because someone else has a negative reaction to my (healthy) new boundaries and behavior.
My ex actually lamented just as I was leaving him, "What happened to the girl I fell in love with?"
I said, "You drank her away."

But the reality is, I started taking care of myself for the first time in years. I put myself first for once, rather than worrying about what would happen to him. It felt totally wrong and unnatural at the time, but I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it. I definitely still have moments where my people pleasing instincts and external validation radar go into overdrive. I'm working on catching myself when that happens. Progress not perfection I guess.
ETA I'm in a similar place as you regarding custody, waiting waiting waiting. It's been a huge trigger for me as well.

Liveitwell

Lady-this is exactly ME. My ex is the same way-he derives his value from making people happy-instead of focusing on taking care of himself and getting better-his immediate family is a codependent mess-mom reinforces that others are there to make you happy and uses people for her own needs. Interestingly enough my ex, while we were separated and at his first attempt at rehab, told me very sincerely that he drank me away. Yes, he did. But I let him drink me away-and now being on the other side, I'm doing really well-I'm a whole, humbled, thankful and blessed person again. Recovery is a wonderful thing!

LexieCat

Sorry, I went to bed just before you posted--I was just wondering what had happened to make you feel that way.

Yeah, the feelings can suck--but remember, they aren't facts. Just old tapes playing in your head. They eventually wear out and fade away as long as you keep doing the next right thing. I remember it took more than a few experiences of saying "no" and standing my ground before I realized the sky didn't fall when I did that.