freetosmile

RAH has been doing great. I mean really, I couldn't ask for more. No abusive comments or behavior, no drinking, and the list goes on.

Now he's been working out of town for the past couple weeks and his boss is taking him out fishing after work. His boss knows his of his alcoholism and does not drink himself, so I know he is not out there getting boozed up.

But when he is not out of town and is working at home we always ask him to do stuff with us (the kids and I) like ride bikes, go for a walk, etc. He will tell us no, most of the time because he says he is tired and just wants to lay around.
But he can go out and fish until 9:30 at night with his boss?

This is silly of me, isn't it? I'm really jealous that he doesn't want to do stuff with us.
Is this the codie in me? I recognize that this is a ridiculous thing to get jealous about, so what do I do???

ladyscribbler

You could ask for more, like a partner who is a true partner when it comes to raising his own children. Sounds like everything is great on the surface but that his sense of entitlement is still lurking underneath it all. What would happen if you left the kids with him and took off to do something with a friend until 9:30 at night?
I don't think it's silly at all. Sure there's been lots of superficial improvement, but when the highest compliment I can give someone is that they haven't been drunk and abusive for awhile, and it feels like I'm being unreasonable for wanting more than that from a partner, it might mean that my standards for what is acceptable behavior have been skewed toward the low end.

hopeful4

I don't really think it's codie or jealousy. You want to spend some family time together, pretty normal. I would tell him that you think it's great he has some guy time with his boss, but that you really want to schedule some family time too. See what he says from there.

Many hugs! XXX

freetosmile

I think I will do this:
Ladyscribbler- you and I BOTH know that if I left at 9:30- he would flip. So that in and of itself is a tell tale that this is superficial- you are right. Does it fall under the category of "fake it till you make it"? I don't know. But I do know that your words hit me hard- and that is a sign to me that I'm slightly in denial. UGH.

Maybe I will suggest more time with the family, Hopeful. We'll see how it goes. Until then, I'm taking the kids hiking today and I will enjoy myself.

biminiblue

Take the neighbor guy with you - for protection, ya know.




I kid! Sorta.



*edit to say - she never mentioned a "neighbor guy" or any other guy - I made that up in my own impulsive little brain. God's not finished with me yet.

firebolt

This is tough - he may not be capable of being a good ole family man yet...or ever for that matter.

I think it takes time in recovery for a person to plane out into who they really are without the booze. That being said - your timeline is very, very, very important for what you want for your life, and your kids lives. You don't owe it to him to wait around for 3 months, for a year, or forever to maybe or maybe not have the guy you want.

redatlanta

From someone who works all the time - and often "has to" do things above and beyond the regular work day - I get it. I am not excusing it; however, a lot of times with a boss there is not option to say no. Sometimes you do it because its good for your career.

I'm out with a client on thursday - RAH asked if I want to go for a ride on Friday after work and I told him no.

There is a balance and certainly prioritizing for family. We don't have kids.

I just understand being tired after working.

LexieCat

Yeah, I think everybody gets to feeling a little neglected sometimes. I don't think that's necessarily a "codie" thing.

Glad to hear things are going well for you all--hope it continues.

dandylion

freetosmile....I think the really important thing is that you do communicate to him what your feelings and needs are in this respect. (the kids need to be able to ask him for m ore time, also).
This does not mean that you have to have a knock-down-drag-out. You might have several conversations regarding what you want and need and also, how he feels about it and what he is able and comfortable doing.
In other words---you two share your feelings and needs with each other....
Then....as a married couple--you (somehow) solve the issue in some fashion that puts the issue to rest....
Normal healthy couples establish ways of doing this on an ongoing basis in thier relationship......as conflicting or competing needs and wants are an ongoing dynamic in any relationship......

I sure hope that you feel free and open---and able to tell him what you want/need without holding back or stuffing your feelings. Not walking on eggshells---or short cutting yourself in order to get along.......

dandylion

minime13

Alcohol masks underlying problems and creates new ones. Once the alcohol is gone, you're left with the underlying problems.

Counseling, particularly marriage counseling, can help with these underlying issues.

Putting down the drink is just the start of a long recovery.

redatlanta

Sometimes people are just people and it doesn't have a damn thing to do with alcohol or being an alcoholic. FTS husband sounds like the spouse of every woman I know. And, they aren't all drunks.

Why not just ask him to give you an evening a during the week and specified time on the weekend with the kids and see what he says. Perhaps he doesn't realize you all are missing him on your outings. If he says no then that's an issue.

freetosmile

Good thoughts everyone. Thanks. I took the advice and talked to him. He was very receptive. I know he's tired. And I know early recovery is very difficult. He said there was no place he would rather be than with us and like previously mentioned, he felt it would be rude to turn down his boss for a fishing date after work.
I'll just keep plugging along I guess.
I just have my own doubts about myself still. Like if he doesn't want to be around me, then there must be something wrong, he must be unhappy, he must be drinking again, and so on.
I have therapy tomorrow, thank God.
You guys are the best. I love you all! (I would "thank" all comments, but the mobile site won't let me!)

FireSprite

This is the hard stuff Free, the day-to-day of putting life back together & kind of re-learning everything all over again. Creating new patterns so you can stop repeating the same old dysfunctional crap & not nobody melting down during the process. RAH struggles with this at times - he'll stay in each stage of recovery until he digs a deep rut. I've had to say, "Ok - I know you're working hard, not taking that away, but it's time for us to move on a little bit, to keep pushing things forward...." It's so much more than just not drinking!

I'm SO happy that things are going well for you Free!