Binge drinker?? I can't stand the anxiety....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
Binge drinker?? I can't stand the anxiety....
Hi everyone, I am a newbie here. There is so much to my story, tootoo much to post so I will try to shorten it:
I believe my husband is binge drinker. Three years ago his drinking became ridiculous iAnytime we socialized he was usually the husband that took it up a notch and was RIPPED. Other husbands drank , but still were able stop. I feltfelt soso embarrassed soso often that I told my husband we no longer were going to socialize. We were on very rocky ground. He did admit he became out of control. He even admitted to our daughter that he got out of control and he promised her that he would stop. Well, after many fights, some counseling, he scaled back quite a bit. Then most recently we went to a birthday party, he got very drunk. He even hid in a hallway at the place sucking down a beer like it was the last he would ever have. He usually now drinks on his two nights off. At functions he cannot stop, he gets wasted. I no longer willbe taxi driver. Just The thought of going to any function causes me so much anxiety. Feeling so lost
I believe my husband is binge drinker. Three years ago his drinking became ridiculous iAnytime we socialized he was usually the husband that took it up a notch and was RIPPED. Other husbands drank , but still were able stop. I feltfelt soso embarrassed soso often that I told my husband we no longer were going to socialize. We were on very rocky ground. He did admit he became out of control. He even admitted to our daughter that he got out of control and he promised her that he would stop. Well, after many fights, some counseling, he scaled back quite a bit. Then most recently we went to a birthday party, he got very drunk. He even hid in a hallway at the place sucking down a beer like it was the last he would ever have. He usually now drinks on his two nights off. At functions he cannot stop, he gets wasted. I no longer willbe taxi driver. Just The thought of going to any function causes me so much anxiety. Feeling so lost
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Oh LB, sorry you are here, but welcome!!!
It sounds like he is trying to "control" his drinking. I hope you just stick around and read, read, read! You'll find so much information here and support.
What are your plans for you through all of this? Just curious where you are in this journey....
It sounds like he is trying to "control" his drinking. I hope you just stick around and read, read, read! You'll find so much information here and support.
What are your plans for you through all of this? Just curious where you are in this journey....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Loveblue,
So 3 years this has been an issue and he really hasn't wrangled his addiction. He sounds like the kind of 'binge drinker' that can't stop unless he totally abstains. Was this outcome discussed in counseling?
What are you doing for you? Do you have an exit plan?
So 3 years this has been an issue and he really hasn't wrangled his addiction. He sounds like the kind of 'binge drinker' that can't stop unless he totally abstains. Was this outcome discussed in counseling?
What are you doing for you? Do you have an exit plan?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Anytime you have to try and control something, it is by definition already out of control. Read, read, read up on alcoholism...it's progressive...my ex was just a happy binge drinker (as was I), then I watched the most depressing years of my life go by seeing it progress to a need every single night and the binging got worse and worse (during the day and night if any stressor was in his life). The more you educate yourself with what you're dealing with, the better you can make a good decision for yourself. Peace to you!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm glad you found us -- welcome!!!
When I first came here, I was hesitating to say "my husband is an alcoholic" because somehow, if I said the words, that made it real, and that meant I had to do something about it (I thought). I've since often seen people come here and say "I don't know if my husband/wife/dad/daughter is an alcoholic, but..." and the answer they usually get is this: What you call it doesn't matter.
If your husband's drinking is a problem to you -- it's a problem. Whether you call him a binge drinker, an alcoholic, a pine tree, doesn't matter. He has a habit that interferes with your ability to live a normal, healthy life. That's sort of all that matters.
When I was married to an alcoholic (who was totally opposed to the idea of counseling), I went to a therapist on my own and talked about my husband's drinking. The therapist said his usual suggestion is that a person whose drinking is a problem to people around him go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days. If they can commit to that, they usually come out saying "yep, I have a problem" -- or they drop out of the commitment because they don't want to admit the problem.
But at the end of the day, you can't make him stop drinking. You could tell him his drinking is a major problem to you, and to your daughter -- it may or may not make a difference.
You can protect yourself, though. You could find an Al-Anon meeting (and maybe Alateen for your daughter?) and get some real-life support. Al-Anon helped me a lot. It made me feel less crazy and alone.
When I first came here, I was hesitating to say "my husband is an alcoholic" because somehow, if I said the words, that made it real, and that meant I had to do something about it (I thought). I've since often seen people come here and say "I don't know if my husband/wife/dad/daughter is an alcoholic, but..." and the answer they usually get is this: What you call it doesn't matter.
If your husband's drinking is a problem to you -- it's a problem. Whether you call him a binge drinker, an alcoholic, a pine tree, doesn't matter. He has a habit that interferes with your ability to live a normal, healthy life. That's sort of all that matters.
When I was married to an alcoholic (who was totally opposed to the idea of counseling), I went to a therapist on my own and talked about my husband's drinking. The therapist said his usual suggestion is that a person whose drinking is a problem to people around him go to 90 AA meetings in 90 days. If they can commit to that, they usually come out saying "yep, I have a problem" -- or they drop out of the commitment because they don't want to admit the problem.
But at the end of the day, you can't make him stop drinking. You could tell him his drinking is a major problem to you, and to your daughter -- it may or may not make a difference.
You can protect yourself, though. You could find an Al-Anon meeting (and maybe Alateen for your daughter?) and get some real-life support. Al-Anon helped me a lot. It made me feel less crazy and alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I second all that lilamy said. If it's a problem for you, it's a problem for you. My XAH was a binge drinker so there were periods of calm and then I'd sit on eggshells waiting for the next drama or the next shoe to drop or the next argument, etc. I hesitated to call him an alcoholic but his drinking caused serious problems in our family.
I second the suggestion to find Al Anon meetings. Those meetings and SR here saved my life and my sanity. Sending you lots of support and hugs tonight. I know where you are, I know how hard it is, but I also know there is hope.
I second the suggestion to find Al Anon meetings. Those meetings and SR here saved my life and my sanity. Sending you lots of support and hugs tonight. I know where you are, I know how hard it is, but I also know there is hope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
My ex was/is a binge drinker. Over the years I set out rules for his drinking, as though that could possibly make a difference!!! First it was cut back on the consumption. His response was to drink in the garage, basement, car, pantry...Then I stopped buying him beer. As if that would help!!! Then I told him no booze in the house, period. So he started hiding bottles. Then I called his parents to not bring booze in our house ( they are alcoholics too). So they drank at their hotel. Then I kicked xah out of the house. So he drank wherever he spent his nights and did who knows what. Then I kicked him out and filed for separation. So he filed for divorce and told everyone I was lying to get custody of the children.
You can make rules all you want. But you can't make a person stop drinking unless they want to!
You can make rules all you want. But you can't make a person stop drinking unless they want to!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Not much to add to all the above but to welcome you to SR.
Read read and read some more. Educate yourself on this terrible disease and first and foremost take care of yourself first and the rest will follow.
I know it's hard, and it's takes plenty practice!
SR and Al Anon keep me sane whilst living with my AH.
This disease will suck the life out of you...if you allow it too. I know I have tried screaming, yelling, drinking with him, shaming him...you name it I have done it but over the years I have learnt to focus on myself and I am so much happier.
Nothing I did to control his drinking worked! I became a person I didn't recognise.
It's taking time but by working on myself attending Al Anon and hanging out here at SR my life is happier and much more manageable.
I am so glad you found us here at SR.
Take care Phiz
Read read and read some more. Educate yourself on this terrible disease and first and foremost take care of yourself first and the rest will follow.
I know it's hard, and it's takes plenty practice!
SR and Al Anon keep me sane whilst living with my AH.
This disease will suck the life out of you...if you allow it too. I know I have tried screaming, yelling, drinking with him, shaming him...you name it I have done it but over the years I have learnt to focus on myself and I am so much happier.
Nothing I did to control his drinking worked! I became a person I didn't recognise.
It's taking time but by working on myself attending Al Anon and hanging out here at SR my life is happier and much more manageable.
I am so glad you found us here at SR.
Take care Phiz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: NY, ny
Posts: 28
Some more of my story
Thank you all so much for your warm welcome. I wish I didn't have to be here. I have a free night so I am going to jot down my story about how I got here and how very much I DESPISE alcohol. I am most definitely an adult child of an alcoholic parent. My father in law is an alcoholic. My husband doesn't even know the extent of his own father's alcohol problem! My brother in law is a raging alcoholic who is in complete denial and has caused a lot of family trouble. My uncle died at the age of 42 years old. He essentially drank himself to death, needless to say, also an alcoholic. The most painful part of all of this alcoholic insanity that surrounds me and drowns me is that my brother was an alcoholic. As a result he suffered a lot of medical problems such as alcohol induced seizures. These seizures eventually led him to his death. He had a horrific and tragic fall at home, most likely a result of one of these seizures. He survived the fall only because my family consented to a craniectomy to relieve the swelling in his brain. He sustained an absolutely horrific brain and spinal cord injury that left him in a bed, motionless and brain injured for two years. He had a tracheostomy and also a feeding tube. He was awake, he communicated by crying all of the time, he was not able to talk and he was not able to move his limbs. I can't even tell you how torturing this has been for my family and for him. Just complete devastation. This was completely traumatizing for me. This is why I absolutely despise alcohol. He was not able to stop. My father sent him to every rehab imaginable. He recently passed, his broken body could no longer sustain him. So here I am, complaining, venting and insanely worried that my husband who goes up and down with his drinking gets to the ridiculous point again and then we'll have a blowout and thus the pattern continues.... He is not violent, he is a decent man and unfortunately has inherited this terrible disease. He is in complete denial that even his own brother is an alcoholic. How could I possibly expect him to accept that his drinking is a problem. It causes me stress beyond belief because I know for a fact that it will get worse.
As usual, after this last family function we attended, he drank like an ass, drinking, drinking, drinking...I was so stressed out just watching him, it's like he was let out of his cage and just went berserk drinking like it was the last day on the planet for drinking alcohol. It was quite disturbing to me. Now he will simply brush me off like I am "overreacting"...but I finally have figured out this is his way to divert the seriousness of HIS problem and takes the attention off of himself and turns it back to me because , as he claims, "you have issues with other people and their alcohol problems". As usual like all other times, I am the stupid one driving us home at an ungodly hour getting us home safely as usual. I am the reliable one. I am the enabler. I am the enabler that has to pull off the major interstate highway so he can either throw up or pee, or...the best..he can pee in his beer pitcher and then I have to pull over so he can dump it because he is passed out and I don't want his urine spilling in my car. What am I doing here?? I keep asking myself this question. I was close to moving out about a year ago but there was so much going on with my brother medically that I could only focus on him at that time. My husband and I barely were speaking and I spent every weekend visiting my brother. Needless to say, when I needed support from my spouse, at one of the most devastating times in my life, he was not there for me. My husband has no clue just how much I resent him. Counseling was also a joke. He went to two sessions and freaked out!!!! He freaked out because he was not ready to admit anything about his drinking issue. He went nuts. We never went back. We had a really deep heart to heart and talked things out on our own...and here we go again, here is the pattern, starting all over again. I am sorry, I am all over the map here tonight, but I needed to get some of this off my chest. I love him, but at the same time I know what is right and I know what is wrong. I just feel too exhausted to think hard about anything. Do I stay? Do I leave? Do I leave this marriage? He is not a bad person at all, just has a drinking problem. I know that sounds crazy. I don't know how to get off of this crazy train that I have been on which seems like all of my life. I ask myself so many times, why can't he just have a few, some wine with dinner, some drinks at a party and call it a night. He always has and probably always will take it to a ridiculous wasted level. I just HATE IT. So sad....Do you stay with your AH? Is it all about detaching? How do you live "detached". It doesn't seem like that is not any life for anyone to live. He used to be my shining star......
As usual, after this last family function we attended, he drank like an ass, drinking, drinking, drinking...I was so stressed out just watching him, it's like he was let out of his cage and just went berserk drinking like it was the last day on the planet for drinking alcohol. It was quite disturbing to me. Now he will simply brush me off like I am "overreacting"...but I finally have figured out this is his way to divert the seriousness of HIS problem and takes the attention off of himself and turns it back to me because , as he claims, "you have issues with other people and their alcohol problems". As usual like all other times, I am the stupid one driving us home at an ungodly hour getting us home safely as usual. I am the reliable one. I am the enabler. I am the enabler that has to pull off the major interstate highway so he can either throw up or pee, or...the best..he can pee in his beer pitcher and then I have to pull over so he can dump it because he is passed out and I don't want his urine spilling in my car. What am I doing here?? I keep asking myself this question. I was close to moving out about a year ago but there was so much going on with my brother medically that I could only focus on him at that time. My husband and I barely were speaking and I spent every weekend visiting my brother. Needless to say, when I needed support from my spouse, at one of the most devastating times in my life, he was not there for me. My husband has no clue just how much I resent him. Counseling was also a joke. He went to two sessions and freaked out!!!! He freaked out because he was not ready to admit anything about his drinking issue. He went nuts. We never went back. We had a really deep heart to heart and talked things out on our own...and here we go again, here is the pattern, starting all over again. I am sorry, I am all over the map here tonight, but I needed to get some of this off my chest. I love him, but at the same time I know what is right and I know what is wrong. I just feel too exhausted to think hard about anything. Do I stay? Do I leave? Do I leave this marriage? He is not a bad person at all, just has a drinking problem. I know that sounds crazy. I don't know how to get off of this crazy train that I have been on which seems like all of my life. I ask myself so many times, why can't he just have a few, some wine with dinner, some drinks at a party and call it a night. He always has and probably always will take it to a ridiculous wasted level. I just HATE IT. So sad....Do you stay with your AH? Is it all about detaching? How do you live "detached". It doesn't seem like that is not any life for anyone to live. He used to be my shining star......
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Wow, Loveblue--I can relate to being the sensible one after a night out. I've stayed, and most times I can live with it. But I'm in one of those "down" times right now where I wonder if it's worth it.
Just know there are others out there, sympathizing with you. I can see how seeing your brother in that state would make you feel even more strongly resistant to your husband's drinking. They're so selfish, aren't they?
Just know there are others out there, sympathizing with you. I can see how seeing your brother in that state would make you feel even more strongly resistant to your husband's drinking. They're so selfish, aren't they?
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