I feel disposable...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 4
I feel disposable...
I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic for a year and a half now and this is the second time he's walked away from me, and the second time it has been a total shock.
The first 10/11 months of our relationship was great. We had our ups and downs like any couple, but we were a team, dealt with lifes hurdles together. During this time he was drinking - I knew that he had been in recovery in his twenties, but he explained that with two other alcoholics in his family he felt he had quit as a result of the fear of maybe being an alcoholic and not actually being one. He was now capable of having a few drinks and not feeling dependent like he had worried he may have been before. I naively believed him - never having had a person with addition problems in my life before, I didnt really understand .
At this point, things started to go wrong for him. Work wasn't going well, he had an injury and wasn't able to exercise like he had before and everything was getting on top of him. He started to withdraw from me. He was irritable all the time, and his moods seemed to be all over the place. I was as understanding as I could be, and figured he was going through a bad patch. He was making grand plans - selling everything to go travelling, moving abroad to find work etc. At first I was on board and chatting things through with him, genuinely excited that he was coming up with ideas and actions to make himself happy again. He wanted me to go with him. With no children, no real commitments, and jobs which could work internationally for both of us, I was in 100%. After discussing our plans in detail, he then dumped me a matter of days later in a 5 minute conversation. No precursor, no explanation, no emotion - out of the blue.
My world fell apart - this had come out of nowhere and I had no idea what to do. I sunk into deep depression - a place I hadnt been for 15 years. I suddenly couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. As someone that has always worked hard and barely ever takes a day off, i couldnt work. I was signed off and put on antidepressants. He didnt contact me at all. Mutual friends who had seen him said he had never looked worse, was crying a lot, withdrawn or angry and he quit his job. This was just before Christmas. He went on his own on holiday for two weeks and drank and drank and drank himself into a stupor. I was grieving at home and barely making it out of bed. Christmas was a blur of friends and family trying to make it better, to offer explanations where there were none. Trying to guide me back to getting back onto my own two feet.
He came back and confessed all - his drinking had increased during the time before Christmas. He was drinking on his own in his room and he was clearing the empties in the dead of night so that his roommate didnt find out, going into work drunk or hungover every day. When he was away he had realised he had lost everything that mattered and needed to make a change. He was desparate for me to forgive him.
We got back together. Despite everything, I love this man with all of my heart and the addiction suddenly meant things had started to slot into place about what had happened over the months before. I proceeded cautiously, not knowing how committed he was to his recovery. He was all in - he went back into AA working the 12 steps, he got a sponsor (someone he had known from AA years before), and introduced me to him and his wife, explaining they were there for support for me as well if I ever needed to talk or to understand more about what to expect etc.
He moved home with his parents - a tough decision for a man of his age to make, but what seemed like a sensible one. They knew about his recovery and had been there first time around so knew how to support him day to day. He took a new job, with a little less stress than last time (though better paid!) and settled into his new routine. He made his amends, even to my mum which must have been particularly hard. He never really made his amends to me. I don't know why - I don't know whether it was too hard, or felt too formal, or if he couldn't hear how much he had hurt me. He whizzed through the programme - to me on the outside it looked so easy (maybe there should have been alarm bells). Our relationship was back on track - while it had taken me a while to trust him again, I finally had my best friend back - the man that makes me laugh, smile, that I am so proud of. He said that our time together was so precious, that he had never been happier - that he looked forward so much to our weekends and thats what he was looking forward to all week. Little did I know it was all about to come crashing down around my ears again.
One month ago, thats when I saw it rear its head again. I have only seen him twice in this time, though we talked every day. The moods started. He was causing arguments over nothing. (With his friends and family as well as me) Saying the most hurtful things imaginable. Pulling away. Then coming back to me afterwards, full of apologies and explaining he was finding things hard. Seeing each other we would have an amazing time, full of the "I've never been so happys" for two days followed by a day of getting angry on the last day of the weekend. This time I had been practising my boundaries. I was firm with what I would not accept, and walked away if he was in a terrible mood (knowing that most of the time he would wind up saying something he regretted which would only make us both feel worse).
I knew he was struggling with his sobriety - saying it wasnt fair that he had his and no-one else did. Saying that he wished so desperately he could have one or two. The second weekend I saw him we had an argument and I walked away. We were away for the weekend, and I made the decision to make my own way home - better than be there and feel like i'd been in a blender with all of the things that he said out of anger. I returned home and he text me to say that our argument had caused him to drink. Amidst a barrage of vicious text messages from him I felt calm - the only way I can describe it is as much as it hurt, I knew it wasnt him and I had to keep my distance. I phoned his sponsor and asked him to step in as I wasnt able to.
Sure enough, after a couple of days, I got the apologetic phone call, the im finding this so hard, it wasnt your fault etc. and I will make it up to you. We have chatted since over the two weeks. I have been supportive but kept myself emotionally safe, we have chatted and laughed and had glimmers of our old selves. Then over 48 hours he withdrew. I had been so busy at work that I hadnt noticed the signs. He hadn't text but neither had I - I had been doing 13 hour days and I didn't see it as a warning sign of what was about to come. Then I got a phone call. "There is no easy way to do this, Im breaking up with you". No explanation. No emotion. Totally cold.
I'm back in shock and feeling so sad angry and upset. Reading my story you may think me naive - but I knew that being with an addict, particularly one early in recovery, would come with ups and downs, with times when he would struggle and times when things would be easier for him. I always thought if we were a team and talked through it, we would stay strong amidst the roller coaster. Instead I feel like he's thrown me off. In retrospect, I don't know how much he has committed fully to recovery - I mentioned before about him not doing his amends to me, and I wonder what else he hasn't done. He is attending the meetings, as far as I know he is not drinking (with the one exception that I know of). He is displaying all of the behaviour of a dry drunk. I think he is so angry that he doesn't feel instantly better after he has put all of this effort into quitting that he is now cutting things out of his life to try and make things easier. He is also talking about moving out of his parents. I can only imagine he is retreating so that he can be on his own and drink himself into oblivion again.
I love this man. With all of my heart. I am so proud of him for what he has achieved with his recovery and cannot begin to understand how hard it is having to live with alcoholism. I was gutted for him when he felt that he needed to drink, but I had faith. Faith that this was a blip on the road to recovery, that he could do it and we could come through this. Radio silence again. I have lost everything - my lover, my best friend. One half of me thinks all I want to do is talk to him, tell him that I will still be there when he comes out of this (as I hope he does). The other part of me is screaming run girl, run for the hills, you don't deserve to be treated like this. Is this behaviour the alcoholism or is he just a bad guy and you have been monumentally fooled all along. My friends who don't understand the pains of addiction just want to get me out of there as fast as possible. My al anon group have been a great help. But I feel like I've lost the other half of me.
You can't choose who you love, but even if I could, I'm pretty sure I would pick him - warts and all. It seems right now the feeling isn't mutual.
Thank you for reading - any advice would be much appreciated. Im off to cry into a cup of tea!
The first 10/11 months of our relationship was great. We had our ups and downs like any couple, but we were a team, dealt with lifes hurdles together. During this time he was drinking - I knew that he had been in recovery in his twenties, but he explained that with two other alcoholics in his family he felt he had quit as a result of the fear of maybe being an alcoholic and not actually being one. He was now capable of having a few drinks and not feeling dependent like he had worried he may have been before. I naively believed him - never having had a person with addition problems in my life before, I didnt really understand .
At this point, things started to go wrong for him. Work wasn't going well, he had an injury and wasn't able to exercise like he had before and everything was getting on top of him. He started to withdraw from me. He was irritable all the time, and his moods seemed to be all over the place. I was as understanding as I could be, and figured he was going through a bad patch. He was making grand plans - selling everything to go travelling, moving abroad to find work etc. At first I was on board and chatting things through with him, genuinely excited that he was coming up with ideas and actions to make himself happy again. He wanted me to go with him. With no children, no real commitments, and jobs which could work internationally for both of us, I was in 100%. After discussing our plans in detail, he then dumped me a matter of days later in a 5 minute conversation. No precursor, no explanation, no emotion - out of the blue.
My world fell apart - this had come out of nowhere and I had no idea what to do. I sunk into deep depression - a place I hadnt been for 15 years. I suddenly couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. As someone that has always worked hard and barely ever takes a day off, i couldnt work. I was signed off and put on antidepressants. He didnt contact me at all. Mutual friends who had seen him said he had never looked worse, was crying a lot, withdrawn or angry and he quit his job. This was just before Christmas. He went on his own on holiday for two weeks and drank and drank and drank himself into a stupor. I was grieving at home and barely making it out of bed. Christmas was a blur of friends and family trying to make it better, to offer explanations where there were none. Trying to guide me back to getting back onto my own two feet.
He came back and confessed all - his drinking had increased during the time before Christmas. He was drinking on his own in his room and he was clearing the empties in the dead of night so that his roommate didnt find out, going into work drunk or hungover every day. When he was away he had realised he had lost everything that mattered and needed to make a change. He was desparate for me to forgive him.
We got back together. Despite everything, I love this man with all of my heart and the addiction suddenly meant things had started to slot into place about what had happened over the months before. I proceeded cautiously, not knowing how committed he was to his recovery. He was all in - he went back into AA working the 12 steps, he got a sponsor (someone he had known from AA years before), and introduced me to him and his wife, explaining they were there for support for me as well if I ever needed to talk or to understand more about what to expect etc.
He moved home with his parents - a tough decision for a man of his age to make, but what seemed like a sensible one. They knew about his recovery and had been there first time around so knew how to support him day to day. He took a new job, with a little less stress than last time (though better paid!) and settled into his new routine. He made his amends, even to my mum which must have been particularly hard. He never really made his amends to me. I don't know why - I don't know whether it was too hard, or felt too formal, or if he couldn't hear how much he had hurt me. He whizzed through the programme - to me on the outside it looked so easy (maybe there should have been alarm bells). Our relationship was back on track - while it had taken me a while to trust him again, I finally had my best friend back - the man that makes me laugh, smile, that I am so proud of. He said that our time together was so precious, that he had never been happier - that he looked forward so much to our weekends and thats what he was looking forward to all week. Little did I know it was all about to come crashing down around my ears again.
One month ago, thats when I saw it rear its head again. I have only seen him twice in this time, though we talked every day. The moods started. He was causing arguments over nothing. (With his friends and family as well as me) Saying the most hurtful things imaginable. Pulling away. Then coming back to me afterwards, full of apologies and explaining he was finding things hard. Seeing each other we would have an amazing time, full of the "I've never been so happys" for two days followed by a day of getting angry on the last day of the weekend. This time I had been practising my boundaries. I was firm with what I would not accept, and walked away if he was in a terrible mood (knowing that most of the time he would wind up saying something he regretted which would only make us both feel worse).
I knew he was struggling with his sobriety - saying it wasnt fair that he had his and no-one else did. Saying that he wished so desperately he could have one or two. The second weekend I saw him we had an argument and I walked away. We were away for the weekend, and I made the decision to make my own way home - better than be there and feel like i'd been in a blender with all of the things that he said out of anger. I returned home and he text me to say that our argument had caused him to drink. Amidst a barrage of vicious text messages from him I felt calm - the only way I can describe it is as much as it hurt, I knew it wasnt him and I had to keep my distance. I phoned his sponsor and asked him to step in as I wasnt able to.
Sure enough, after a couple of days, I got the apologetic phone call, the im finding this so hard, it wasnt your fault etc. and I will make it up to you. We have chatted since over the two weeks. I have been supportive but kept myself emotionally safe, we have chatted and laughed and had glimmers of our old selves. Then over 48 hours he withdrew. I had been so busy at work that I hadnt noticed the signs. He hadn't text but neither had I - I had been doing 13 hour days and I didn't see it as a warning sign of what was about to come. Then I got a phone call. "There is no easy way to do this, Im breaking up with you". No explanation. No emotion. Totally cold.
I'm back in shock and feeling so sad angry and upset. Reading my story you may think me naive - but I knew that being with an addict, particularly one early in recovery, would come with ups and downs, with times when he would struggle and times when things would be easier for him. I always thought if we were a team and talked through it, we would stay strong amidst the roller coaster. Instead I feel like he's thrown me off. In retrospect, I don't know how much he has committed fully to recovery - I mentioned before about him not doing his amends to me, and I wonder what else he hasn't done. He is attending the meetings, as far as I know he is not drinking (with the one exception that I know of). He is displaying all of the behaviour of a dry drunk. I think he is so angry that he doesn't feel instantly better after he has put all of this effort into quitting that he is now cutting things out of his life to try and make things easier. He is also talking about moving out of his parents. I can only imagine he is retreating so that he can be on his own and drink himself into oblivion again.
I love this man. With all of my heart. I am so proud of him for what he has achieved with his recovery and cannot begin to understand how hard it is having to live with alcoholism. I was gutted for him when he felt that he needed to drink, but I had faith. Faith that this was a blip on the road to recovery, that he could do it and we could come through this. Radio silence again. I have lost everything - my lover, my best friend. One half of me thinks all I want to do is talk to him, tell him that I will still be there when he comes out of this (as I hope he does). The other part of me is screaming run girl, run for the hills, you don't deserve to be treated like this. Is this behaviour the alcoholism or is he just a bad guy and you have been monumentally fooled all along. My friends who don't understand the pains of addiction just want to get me out of there as fast as possible. My al anon group have been a great help. But I feel like I've lost the other half of me.
You can't choose who you love, but even if I could, I'm pretty sure I would pick him - warts and all. It seems right now the feeling isn't mutual.
Thank you for reading - any advice would be much appreciated. Im off to cry into a cup of tea!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Awww, sweetie. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how badly it hurts. Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. I hope you will post often and be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of wisdom there. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Well, of course, I hope you know that you are NOT disposable... In fact, nothing that you have shared with him is minimized or disposable. It has brought you growth.... and whenever he fully reaches for his growth, his experience with you will be a part of it as well.
You said, "One half of me thinks all I want to do is talk to him, tell him that I will still be there when he comes out of this (as I hope he does). The other part of me is screaming run girl, run for the hills, you don't deserve to be treated like this."
I know it hurts to let go... ANY relationship hurts to let go of... BUT, I do know that whether he is breaking up with you because he knows his addiction is killing the relationship, or whether he is breaking up with you because the relationship is a distraction to his recovery.... either way, it IS his choice. And because you DO deserve better than this... as much as it hurts, you can be grateful that he is ending it now.
Personally, my xabf is finally battling sobriety. He is definitely cranky and is having tons of ups and downs. I am keeping my distance. We email. I let him know that if my presence is in someway distracting or causing him emotional pain, then it is okay to put more space between us. I no longer take it personally when he doesn't respond to me right away or if he cannot support me emotionally in whatever I am going through. He is fighting for his life right now. I actively tell myself that "no matter what, I am going to be just fine... no matter what he chooses." And I will. I love him so much, I am willing to let him go. That old saying "If you love it, set it free. If it returns, it was meant to be." is so fully true for those of us who find ourselves in these types of relationships....
All I want is for him to be healthy. If that means letting me go in order for him to find his way.... even if that means more years of him actively drinking, then so be it. It's his life, and I honor him. I don't have to choose to be a part of it.
(((hugs))) to you dear. I KNOW how much it hurts to let go... You are worth it, and you are going to be okay.
You said, "One half of me thinks all I want to do is talk to him, tell him that I will still be there when he comes out of this (as I hope he does). The other part of me is screaming run girl, run for the hills, you don't deserve to be treated like this."
I know it hurts to let go... ANY relationship hurts to let go of... BUT, I do know that whether he is breaking up with you because he knows his addiction is killing the relationship, or whether he is breaking up with you because the relationship is a distraction to his recovery.... either way, it IS his choice. And because you DO deserve better than this... as much as it hurts, you can be grateful that he is ending it now.
Personally, my xabf is finally battling sobriety. He is definitely cranky and is having tons of ups and downs. I am keeping my distance. We email. I let him know that if my presence is in someway distracting or causing him emotional pain, then it is okay to put more space between us. I no longer take it personally when he doesn't respond to me right away or if he cannot support me emotionally in whatever I am going through. He is fighting for his life right now. I actively tell myself that "no matter what, I am going to be just fine... no matter what he chooses." And I will. I love him so much, I am willing to let him go. That old saying "If you love it, set it free. If it returns, it was meant to be." is so fully true for those of us who find ourselves in these types of relationships....
All I want is for him to be healthy. If that means letting me go in order for him to find his way.... even if that means more years of him actively drinking, then so be it. It's his life, and I honor him. I don't have to choose to be a part of it.
(((hugs))) to you dear. I KNOW how much it hurts to let go... You are worth it, and you are going to be okay.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, FallenStar--welcome to SR. It sounds like things have been pretty rough lately. You've come to the right place to find support for yourself and people who understand.
Like Suki said, a good way to get started is to read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll find at least some stories that will resonate w/you. It's also not a bad idea to look into finding a local Alanon meeting for some face-to-face support also.
You mention that you're proud of him for all he has achieved w/his recovery, but I'm not really seeing a whole lot of recovery. You're describing someone who's been trying to control his drinking and, failing that, is hiding it. All those "reasons" for drinking are the same excuses that a zillion other A's use (your argument w/him did NOT "cause him to drink."). Again, I think that reading here will help you see that this is alcoholism talking.
Please do educate yourself about alcoholism. He is who is is showing up as, not as whatever potential you may see in him. The A and the man you love are one and the same. Brutal though it sounds, he is choosing his addiction over recovery. There is nothing for you to do but step out of his way and take care of yourself.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Like Suki said, a good way to get started is to read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll find at least some stories that will resonate w/you. It's also not a bad idea to look into finding a local Alanon meeting for some face-to-face support also.
You mention that you're proud of him for all he has achieved w/his recovery, but I'm not really seeing a whole lot of recovery. You're describing someone who's been trying to control his drinking and, failing that, is hiding it. All those "reasons" for drinking are the same excuses that a zillion other A's use (your argument w/him did NOT "cause him to drink."). Again, I think that reading here will help you see that this is alcoholism talking.
Please do educate yourself about alcoholism. He is who is is showing up as, not as whatever potential you may see in him. The A and the man you love are one and the same. Brutal though it sounds, he is choosing his addiction over recovery. There is nothing for you to do but step out of his way and take care of yourself.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
This is my perspective. I'm an alcoholic with 18 months of sobriety married to an alcoholic/addict who is currently not sober and doesn't appear to be making any effort to get back to sobriety. Much of what you describe sounds like someone who is hiding their drinking and giving lip service to staying in recovery, whether it is to make him feel better about himself or you or his parents. His sobriety seems tenuous, hanging by a thread. Anger is a part of some journeys. Certainly it was a part of mine, but no one or thing could "make" me drink. That is a choice, preplanned, I may add. My husband is quite skilled at picking fights as an excuse to drink or use.
I know you love this man. I certainly loved my husband. But I loathe the addict. I despise the alcoholic. I've grown to dread the never ending lies, anger and chaos in my life and that of my two, our two, young children. I didn't know what addiction was, nor what to expect even though I'm an alcoholic. You're certainly not naive. What you are is a warm and caring person who truly deserves better. I'd say leave him to his recovery, if he is in recovery. My husband has a sponsor. He sometimes goes to meetings. He knows the AA program backwards and forwards, better than I. But I'm the one with sober time and some measure of growth and not regression. My husband trots all those tools out only when he's feeling regret for a massive binge. I'd say run girl for the hills. You could be like me and be married to the push me pull you. For ten years. Measure this relationship by what it is like now and not what you hope it will be. Because it won't get easier. Is the relationship exactly as it is now what you want for yourself long term? Probably not. Hugs. It stinks. It hurts more than anything.
I know you love this man. I certainly loved my husband. But I loathe the addict. I despise the alcoholic. I've grown to dread the never ending lies, anger and chaos in my life and that of my two, our two, young children. I didn't know what addiction was, nor what to expect even though I'm an alcoholic. You're certainly not naive. What you are is a warm and caring person who truly deserves better. I'd say leave him to his recovery, if he is in recovery. My husband has a sponsor. He sometimes goes to meetings. He knows the AA program backwards and forwards, better than I. But I'm the one with sober time and some measure of growth and not regression. My husband trots all those tools out only when he's feeling regret for a massive binge. I'd say run girl for the hills. You could be like me and be married to the push me pull you. For ten years. Measure this relationship by what it is like now and not what you hope it will be. Because it won't get easier. Is the relationship exactly as it is now what you want for yourself long term? Probably not. Hugs. It stinks. It hurts more than anything.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by ruby2 
measure this relationship by what it is like now and not what you hope it will be. Because it won't get easier. Is the relationship exactly as it is now what you want for yourself long term? Probably not. Hugs. It stinks. It hurts more than anything.
this!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 4
Thanks for all of your comments of help and support. They really helped me put some stuff into perspective when I was feeling pretty low. I've focused on me and kept going to Al Anon meetings when I can and used this site for some moral support when things have been tough...
Just need to remember those three key things - I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. One very slow and painful day at a time...But I'm getting there!
Just need to remember those three key things - I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. One very slow and painful day at a time...But I'm getting there!
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