Blacklight

Hello All, I am new and this is my first post.

I am seeking advice for my current situation.

My mother is an alcoholic. She is in her 50's. I have known about her problem for 5 years now and it is not getting any better. At first me and my siblings and father were very supportive of her. I went to AA meetings with her, we always kept a positive attitude, and we never showed her our anger/disappointment when she relapsed. As time went by she has not improved at all and we became less and less supportive because she was not even attempting to get better. (She doesn't go to AA meetings anymore and refuses to go back to inpatient treatment... she has been 3 times to 30 day programs and has left early all three times.)

Fast forward to now. After 5 years of this process my parents are divorced, and none of us kids really talk to her anymore. Over the last 5 years she has been drunk on literally every important day of my life. Every holiday that I have been home, my college graduation, every fraternity event that parents were invited to. She was never sober even one time. So I finally stopped talking to her and inviting her to stuff. I haven't talked to her since last November.

Here is my problem. I am getting married in December and have not invited my mother because I am 100% certain she will show up drunk. She has yet to reach 90 days of sobriety and always relapses during Holidays/Birthdays/Family Events. My aunts and uncles and grandma are all upset with me for not inviting her because they don't know the severity of my moms drinking problem because she is feeding them lies. She lies about everything.

I don't really know how to handle the situation because I want to maintain my relationships with all of my other family members, but have no desire to have a relationship with my mom because she refuses to get help. What should I do?

Also, Is there any hope for my mother? I feel like I have done everything to get her help and all she does is lie to me and everyone else, refuse to acknowledge that she even has a problem, and blames everything on my dad and us kids.

lillamy

Hi & welcome, Blacklight!

I'm glad you found us but sorry about what brings you here. I have never dealt with an alcoholic parent -- I had an alcoholic husband, and I think the dynamics are a little bit different. I know there are plenty of members here who have dealt with alcoholic parents, though, and I'm sure they'll be around with more relevant experiences to share.

One thing I think we do have in common, all of us who have had an alcoholic family member, is that we tend to pay a lot of attention to what the alcoholic AND everyone else thinks of us and our decisions and choices.

Here's what I would like to say to you -- as a mom about the same age as your mom:

You wedding day is YOUR day. It's not about your mom, it's not about your aunts, it's not about your uncle Bob. When I got married (second marriage), we elected to have a small wedding and only invite our kids and two witnesses, because we both had family members we knew would completely ruin the occasion.

A wedding is a day that's all about you and your spouse-to-be. You have the absolute right to have full control over who you invite and who you don't. YES, it's hurtful for your mother to not get invited, of course it is. But she's earned that. It's not like you're leaving her out to harm her -- you're leaving her out because you would not be able to focus on what is important to you that day, YOUR MARRIAGE -- if you and to worry about whether or not your mom is going to hit on the priest or throw up in the pew of the church, kwim?

The blaming everyone else for her problem is classic alcoholic behavior. I know this is the last thing you want to think of now, but if you haven't been to Al-Anon, I would really recommend that. Alcoholism is a family disease and it can affect you in ways you don't realize even if you don't live with the alcoholic.

tirefire123

Hi Blacklight:
It's been a long while since your post above, but it really struck a cord with me. I hope you found the strength to enjoy your wedding day free of the stress and worry that your mother's presence would have brought. I mourn for the better childhood you might have had, full of the genuine love and security that an alcoholic parent could or would never provide. Your family deserved better while she lived irresponsibly and shamelessly sought sympathy for herself while her own children likely went neglected and unloved.

Often times the extended family of an adult alcoholic are unwilling or unable to face the fact that their adult child/sister/brother/spouse continues to burden the entire family with their choice to continue drinking. While no one else can "stop" an alcoholic's drinking, unless there are clear messages to that person including the consequences if it continues... you can assume the alcoholic really has no incentive to change. It is a helpless feeling to be hostage to misery, shame and the social embarassment of having this person in your life year after year. Alcoholics will do just about anything to protect what they believe is their "best friend: (the bottle) and often blame everyone else around them for the ongoing collateral damage created by their drinking.

It takes adult children of alcoholics many years to unlearn the drill. We are taught by an alcoholic parent to feel bad for them, to believe when they tell us that their troubles are somehow worse than anyone else's, that people just don't understand, etc. The horror is that often the uncared for children become unwitting caretakers of the alcoholic parent. Our own self-esteem is never nurtured, our efforts to care unrewarded, and the alcoholic parent's message "it's all about ME!" is hard to shake. As children we do not even know how to detach ourselves from this morbid responsibility. Caring spouses try and try but may also feel guilt should they finally give up. Alcoholics are selfish to the core and will likely claim that "everything has been taken from me" to manipulate the few people left in their life. We children are often trapped by feelings of obligation and concern, long into our own adulthood. Your alcoholic parent may in fact never reach that rock bottom we hear so much about.

My own mother never sought treatment and is now well into her 80s. Caring friends and family members each tired valiantly in their own ways to reach her and to help. She always insisted SHE didn't have a problem, and thought others were envious of her or trying to "control" her. People gradually began to drop out of her life, unable to remain attached in the losing situation. If her vanity was wounded, she never showed it, preferring to say that others were the problem. She dismissed anyone who challenged her unacceptable behavior, in time that included some of her own adult children, her husband and many longtime friends. The beginning of the end came when she could no longer drive (her license was taken away, which she denied was the reason) and so could not continue to drop in on people unannounced. She ruined one living situation after another by wearing out the tolerance of neighbors, damaging apartments by lack of cleanliness, and the obvious neglect of hygiene so alarming to others. Through it all, some of us tried to hang in there and "help", but she never acknowledged her alcoholism and thus of course refused treatment. It took me well into my 50's to finally realize I had done all I could.

She did not value her roles as a mother or spouse, friend or professional enough to choose sobriety and the fulfillment of life. I shouldn't have been surprised that she also had little interest in her grandchildren and that is what finally told me the truth: nothing will ever be as important to her as alcohol. At her advanced age, she is no longer even able to obtain alcohol but the unhealthy, unacceptable life behaviors remained, leaving a shell of a person known as the "dry drunk". Her indifference to others continues, her pride more important than anything, her choice to blame others rather than do any introspection. She probably also has legitimate brain damage both from the many decades of alcohol abuse and from the aging process, but who can tell the difference in these two forms of dementia? She has just enough mental capacity left to cause continued heartbreak by refusing the home services she needs to live in way that others could find acceptable and to avoid being declared unfit to decide for herself.

Free yourself as early as you can from this dreadful, life-robbing duty to keep trying to help someone who may never help themself. Surround yourself with loving, caring people worthy of your friendship and shed those relatives who only keep you in despair and misery. I used to believe that it is never to late to enter treatment, but know now that only the addict can choose a path to life. We do not have to give up our own health and happiness to the losing battle.