James86

I'm still struggling. It's been a year since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend (heroin addict). But I miss him daily. I think about the good times we had over 8 years and get sad sometimes. He's still with the much younger guy he cheated on me with. They both use together and live in that guy's parents' house. I just keep hoping that he'll decide to get clean one day and regret leaving me and our dog. I'm waiting for him to "wake up." I got to Nar-anon meetings when I can, but it's mainly to be around people who can relate and don't yell at me and say "get over him!" He's very selfish right now -- doesn't speak to his siblings or his mom all that much. She says it's barely anymore. And that's totally not normal for him. His Mom was his best friend. And he always liked seeing his family. He cut himself off from me, his siblings, his mom, and our dog. What hurts me the most is that I feel like I never existed to him. We didn't have a bad relationship. We deeply loved each other. But he fell into drugs the last 2 years of our relationship and I stuck by him until it got too hard to handle. There were too many arrests, traffic tickets, no money, etc. But honestly, it was when I found out he cheated on me that I finally told him to leave. Except I thought he'd change and come running back to fight for me. Nope. Drugs won. The other guy uses, so I'm assuming he's more appealing at the moment -- even though he's gross looking and has no college degree and never had a job higher than a part-time mall job. And he's 19. I'm 29. Some life they'll have together. Sometimes that makes me feel better -- knowing they'll never have what he could have had with me. Maybe one day he'll realize it. Sorry to rant, and I'm likely repeating stuff I've said over and over again in past threads, but I'm just sad lately. And I like reading the posts on here and getting some sort of comfort out of it. I'm not saying I'll be with him again one day, because I don't know, but if he were to get sober (whether it be by his own choice or because he's forced to in jail) -- would he even be interested in that drug user he's with now? And would he miss me and our life and try to get it back once he "wakes up"? I'm looking for some hope.

Dee74

Hi James

A former member here, now passed, called CarolD was a wise woman.

She said 'not all loves are forever'. I would have argued that in my 20s - but now I'm nearly 50 and I know she's right.

I've loved people intensely - but some, if not most of those people, were very bad for me.

If there's hope, let it be the hope that you find someone who's worthy of you and the love you have to give James...

let go, move on - and have a spectacular life

D

Vale

I am so sorry, James. And it is not a 'rant'. It is your heart hurting.
Above all things we understand that here much more than we have any
wish to.

The best thing I have to offer a fellow SR pal is the certain knowledge
that nothing we have to offer (e.g. love) beats heroin. Nothing in this situation
reflects on you as a partner AT ALL. Heroin is simply so powerful it can turn
an ugly young flunkie into a catch.

Never feel that anything you write here is a rant. If it were, I would have
been run out of SR town a long time ago. We come here to hurt and share
our hurt-----and if you think you can beat a rant horse any longer or
harder than ME........then you are sadly mistaken, my friend!

I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope you can find some peace.

waitingforhope

Are you also getting individual counseling? If you've been feeling stuck this long and this sad, I think it would be good for you to talk one on one with someone.

bonus

Hi James.
I too am a guy who fell in love with a guy (cocaine/weed/whatever he could get hands on) addict.

I was messed around alot by this guy. Dumped 10+ times but...
You need to look at this another way. If not for the drugs and he'd done the same to you. Would you stay with him and/or want him back?

I had alot of anger at the beggining after I was dumped for the last time. I made the decision there and then that I would not let this person hurt me again. It hurt like hell.
We weren't together as long as you were but I thought we had something. Perhaps I was just as addicted as he was but to him and the drama associated with drug use.

I have gone completely NC... Changed my number, dont associate with his friends and tbh it has made things alot easier.
I know its easy to say but as time goes on when you think of the "good times" think not only of that but of all the drama and the hurt and the bad times and I'm sure you'll see they don't even weigh up.

Another thing I did was to write him a letter telling him how much he hurt me and exactly what I felt... I never sent it but when I was ready to I simply put it on the fire to burn.

You need to let go of this guy. He has shown you how his true colours (whether the drugs or not), you seem caring and passionate and I'm sure when the time is right you will meet the person who appreciates you for you and doesn't bring drama into your life and is committed.

I am struggling abit with low self asteem but I am working on that, but even with that I know I am better off and I have the chance at happiness that was never there with him.

Hugs

atalose

We can wait around for the rest of our lives to see if they open their eyes and get it or we can simple open our own.

Ok, lets just say he gets a desire to get clean and he goes to rehab and begins to work a program and does reach out to you wanting to re-establish a relationship. What recovery program have you been doing that would prepare you for that? What personal growth have you done for yourself that would prepare you for a relationship with an addict?

SparkleKitty

When I used to find myself unable to let go of people and relationships that had been very unhealthy for me, it was because I was looking for someone else to validate my worth. And it couldn't be just anyone -- it had to be the people who had been the very source of my pain, who were emotionally unavailable and withholding.

It took a long time for me to learn that the people who hurt me are not going to be the ones to heal me.

I had to learn to love, respect, and trust myself enough that I no longer needed someone else to prove I was worthy of it. I had to learn to heal myself. Until I worked through that and developed a healthy sense of self-esteem, I was not capable of having a healthy relationship. And until I quit chasing after the UNhealthy ones, I couldn't focus on my own issues long enough to get better.

It sucks to feel stuck. There are ways out of your situation, but I'm afraid none of them go through someone else.

CarmenLove

James,

Sending hugs.

And if it's been a year I highly recommend dating other people to see that there are others who you can love.

You sound like a good catch.

waitingforhope

It takes a long time sometimes James. I'm just recovering after 18 months of being separated for my husband now. We are in the process of divorce. It took a long time to process that his reaction had nothing to do with anything that I had done wrong. It wrecked havoc on my self esteem. But the last time I saw him, suddenly it struck me "how could I possibly love this broken shell of a man anymore"? He had nothing to offer our family anymore. He just wasn't capable. And I had lost respect for him. Suddenly it struck me, I no longer felt anything towards him except pity. It comes on suddenly when you least expect it but grieving needs to take it's course. Good counseling that gives you proactive tools for coping really helps a lot. You have to do what your counselor says for it to really work. You owe yourself that.