britchick

I posted here a few days ago about my wife meeting someone else in rehab. I guess this is another aspect of my situation.
First of all let me just say that I have only recently become aware of my codependency and begun attending meetings so a lot of this is new to me.
To recap: my wife relapsed earlier this year and did a spell in rehab. She met another woman there and three weeks ago they began living together. She now says she doesn't want to be with me anymore and that our marriage was over a while ago. She blames a lot of it on me. I see now that I am a codependent and we did have our problems (not least her addiction) but this was a complete shock to me.
Anyway, to my point. She calls me every day. At first our conversations were very emotional and strained but now I try to be detached and even. She always mentions money and the fact I'm not helping her but she doesn't ask for any. She's definately not using although its been suggested that she's getting high off infactuation and sex which is probably true. Our last couple of conversations have actually been okay.
So why does she keep calling me? What's going on? Can anyone give me an insight on this please?
I admit I love her deeply and I do want her back.

dollydo

Cause in case her "new" lover doesn't work out she knows that you will take her back...you see, addicts are very good at manipulating those who they need to support them... JIC. They also have radar when it comes to finding weak, needy, codependent people...it never ceases to amaze me how cunning they are.

Why not go no contact? She has someone else, why do you keep talking to her?

LoveMeNow

Maybe she is keeping you as her "fall-back" person in case this doesn't work out? Hard to say!

More importantly, why are you taking her calls? Not a judgment, no need to answer to me of all people but maybe something you need to answer for YOURSELF!!

Doesn't codependency just stink?? I am just starting to really understand it myself!! I feel for you!

Ann

Maybe she calls you because she wants something. Whether it is money or affection, it seems that it's about "her" and not about making amends to you.

I know this is a hard time for you, but she has made a choice and good or bad, it's one you will need to live with. It's a good time to take good care of yourself and take time to heal.

It might be a good time to get legal advice as well, so you know what your property rights are. I don't mean for that to sound cold, but sooner or later she may want something that is not hers to have.

Good luck, I'm sorry this hurts so much.

Hugs

Ann

Wow, 4 posts within minutes of each other...don't say the support is weak around here.

britchick

Thanks so much for the advice everyone. I know you're right but I guess I'm just not ready to accept it yet.
We had such a good life before she fell into adiction. She was the one and I still love her so. I just couldn't do no contact. I'm such a weakling!

dollydo

" I'm such a weakling! "

No your not, you are just human, believe me, I've been there...you will know when and if it is time to go no contact, in the meantime...keep those meetings up...and...keep posting...we are here for you.

zoso77

What about your sons? Where do they factor in all of this?

Britchick, I emphasize with where you're at. I get it. I really, really do. I don't doubt that you love her very much.

But here's the problem. Addicts that are active or who aren't in recovery are incapable of sustained, consistent, mature love. It just is. She has not only left you. She has left you with your sons. She has left her family for a stranger that she met in rehab.

Man, my AXGF played me like a fiddle for a year. Used me, manipulated me, then cruelly cast me aside when I got healthy enough not to engage in her games and found someone else who would. With that disappearing in my rearview mirror at warp speed, I've learned enough to recognize manipulation when I read about it. Please don't do what I did by allowing a sick person to play you. Your sons need you. They have to come first. They need to be protected at all cost.

And if you really need convincing, go read a little sticky note called "What Addicts Do", written by an addict. It's sobering, it's frightening, it's blunt, and it's all true.

ZoSo

YearForMe

You know you are being manipulated when the conversation is about what you can do for them.....instead of what they can do for you.

Kindeyes

Honestly I have no way of knowing what her motivations for calling you might be. Have you asked her? She may or may not be honest but at least you'll get an answer from her.

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. Try to focus on you and your boys right now. I suspect they are hurting too.

Take care of you and try to take it one day at a time.

gentle hugs
ke

cc88

dont feel alone. this isnt unusual as far as i can tell.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...verything.html

That thread begins with justrae83's ex doing the same thing. Found someone else, but keeps talking to her all the time saying how soooo happy he is now etc. just being cruel. I'll say the same thing I said to her.

It may LOOK like someone else is getting what you wanted in this person but I would almost guarantee that's not the case..

This thread ends with her boyfriend texting her saying he broke up with his new girl and wanted to come back and see her.

I know its different as you are married and she wasnt, but if you ARENT willing to go no contact now, okay no one can make that choice for you. But i would STRONGLY advise that you make the decision NOW about what you're going to do when she comes crawling back and wants you again. Because if you wait till you're actually there, your emotions will most likely make you make a bad decision for yourself.

You deserve better. You are as strong as you tell yourself you are. No contact is a decision that doesnt involve strength. You either do it or you dont.

good luck!

britchick

Thanks cc88. That's good advice. I will think about what i'll say and do if that happens. I don't know what that will be yet but it will include boundaries this time. I'm learning fast about codependency.
She told me that its been over for a while now, that she needs to start completely over. She told me not to worry about her, to get on and live my life, and that she would be ok.
But then she calls me every day and chit chats with me almost like nothing has changed. They're even half decent conversations Most of the time. I just can't fathom what's going on. She's even called me in front of her gf! I'm absolutely confused.

dollydo

She, they, both know that you are still hooked on her and they are keeping you in their back pocket...for some reason you cannot accept that...the sooner you do, the healthier you will become.

They are not confused, they are clear in their intent...consider taking off your rose colored glasses and face the facts...the reality of the situation.

I am sorry, however, they are playing you and you are a willing participant.

britchick

Wow thanks all for being so straight with me. I'm still in shock and panic mode, I'm firmly rooted in denial right now. Thanks for bearing with me, i'll catch on eventually.

tjp613

It would be an interesting experiment if you were to go no contact for awhile. You could even give her a heads up and say, "I think that it's best FOR ME to limit our conversations only to matters involving the kids and only by email or text." ..... then stick to it. I predict many of the real issues will be made clear to you!

kayleezen

I hate so much that this is true but it is. .The minute my XAB discovered I wasn't coming to the hospital to rescue his last relapse he manipulated another girl from the frickin hospital bed to do his bidding.

I was devastated, i was his whole world and in one manipulation...done...I felt he never loved me and had images of jealousy for days.
It was a scramble, survivor mode...nothing more. ..after hanging on in the complete unknown and incomprehensible demoralization I finally went looking for the pain, saw it in a text and still couldn't do NC. .I finally got there when he went as far as using her to hurt me deliberately and changed my number.
24 days into NC one red rose showed up at my door...
no game, no note, just a amends gesture...
It stopped and will stay stopped if I let it.

:

hopeful4

Um....because she wants money and the security of knowing she for sure has somewhere to go when she gets out.

Step away, far away.