kmrtn32

Hello Everyone! I'm very new so please bare with me. I'll try keep this short.

Late last year my AH got his first DUI injuring one of his alcoholic friends and got arrested. He was a little over 3 times the limit. I suggested a therapist (that didn't convince him that he had a problem) and next thing you know I get roped into buying him a new car. He crashed that too a month later. After all that, I left to stay with family for a week and when I returned, he said he was turning over a new leaf. He started going to AA the only problem was he was hiding his drinking while going to AA. That went on for 2-3 months. Then he stopped going and after some pushing he went again, all while drinking small $1 liqours every now and then. I found out just recently that he was taking money from me and using said money to buy alcohol, while he was "sober for a month". I reached my breaking point and told him that he needed to seriously start thinking about sobriety or I was leaving. So he setup an appointment with a marriage counselor and says he's been sober for a week and a half. But after the appointment, when we got home, I found a small liqour bottle in our laundry.

My question is should I continue with counseling or move on? I'm somewhat sure that my AH doesn't want me to go, but I can't trust that he will keep his word about staying sober. Plus I'm looking to earn another degree and possibly earn a Masters. When I married this man I was prepared to start thinking about a home and a family, not taking care of his drinking problem. I know getting a house and everything won't happen over night but right now our priorities are different. Perhaps I'm too anxious? Am I over thinking this?

Please respond. I've read many of the posts on this forum and you guys are absolutely the best. Looking forward to hearing from you all!

redatlanta

I'd skip the marriage counseling. Does sound like he is still drinking. Counseling with an active A is futile.

Until he decides he wants sobriety here is where you are.....lies, deception and stealing. Sounds about right.

I think counseling and Al Anon would be a good idea for YOU. He gets a DUI - then gets a new car provided by you, who is paying for the attorney? You?

You are "pushing" him toward sobriety and that's also an exercise in futility.

You mentioned should you move on - clarify please. Are you speaking about leaving or something else?

LexieCat

Whether to stay or go is a very personal decision. Your husband says he doesn't want you to go, but he isn't serious about recovery. It sounds like you have some terrific plans for your life, but living with active alcoholism will drag anyone down.

Maybe you should consider some counseling on your OWN--not marriage counseling--to help you sort out your feelings. I also suggest hitting some Al-Anon meetings, as well. You also could consider legal separation, if that's an option in your state. I strongly suggest that you make an appointment for a consult with an attorney, who can give you a better idea about what might be the outcome (legally, financially) if you decide to divorce.

Oh, and welcome--glad you're here! There is a lot of great support to be had here on these forums.

ladyscribbler

I think that comparing the two investments- this relationship vs. a Masters degree- might be a good idea.
You invest time, energy and money and you either a. Earn a masters degree or b. Spend your life bailing out an entitled man child from his self created problems
I mean, yeah, he's willing to go through the motions in counseling and pretend to be sober, all the while sneaking little "pocket rockets" of booze around like a teenager at a school dance, but what do you really get out of it?
And yes, I know that when he's sober he's the greatest, funniest most loving guy in the world and you have so much in common and you've never clicked with anyone the way you did with him- ask me how I know.
Also, just curious, how did you "get roped into" buying him a car? Guilt trip? Feel free to tell me to eff off. I know it's none of my business.
Sorry if this is coming across as harsh or snarky. I don't mean to be. Reading your post made me think about how much time, energy, money and just my SELF I wasted trying to make my ex get sober so we could live happily ever after. Maybe it was the thing about those little bottles of booze. My ex called them pocket rockets. He was all about them until he realized it was cheaper and (he thought) more discreet to just pour vodka into a water bottle and bring it on family outings. Ugh. Sorry.

fluffyflea

Sounds like investing in a Masters Degree might be a better short term long term investment for you all the way around.

Townhouse

Oh my gosh! I need to talk to you. I need a reality check along these lines. I don't want to hijack so I will start a new thread. My only comment is I have a masters degree and the chaos/drama doesn't really fit in with all the work that goes into getting a masters. I would suggest to separate at least long enough to finish your degree you can always get back together later if he's stayed sober?

BlueChair

Its a personal choice IMO staying or leaving. Looking at your goals and the direction you want your life to go are healthy I think.

Over at Smart Recovery, the family program offers a lot of behavioral tools and suggest family members do in depth look at their individual situation and use the results to help direct actions.

My husband and I did family therapy together, and its been good for us. Unless your husband is constantly drunk and is showing really poor cognitive ability then I suggest sticking with the marriage counseling for a while. A lot of times doing therapy together can help the other person begin to see their own issues more clearly and it might encourage him to do individual therapy.

People in addiction, and recovery go through through stages of change. Its common for people to begin therapy and still be somewhat ambivalent about quitting, have fears or anxiety. Not everyone goes in gung ho 100% committed to the process, and they dont have to. What they do need is a starting point and a road map to follow.

I would recommend you look into the CRAFT program for family members. (Community Reinforcement and Family Training). It puts emphasis on making your life better, and it also teaches you how to communicate, listen, and interact with someone who is using substances. This makes life easier for you! and can also help your partner. ( Part of the program is considered a non-confrontational intervention because its successful in encouraging our spouses to want to change their own behavior and most seek help if they cant do it on their own. There are lots of studies on it if you do a google.) CRAFT is part of the Smart Recovery program or can be done alone. All the stuff on communication went along well with our family sessions, its been very positive and helped me a lot.

This is a great book on it:

Beyond Addiction How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Jeff Foote PhD.

maybear

Definitely a personal decision. Maybe make a list of pros and cons of staying in the relationship as a first step. If you are risking more than you can afford to lose (emotionally, financially, spiritually etc) by staying in the relationship then you may need to decide whether it's worth it.

If it were me, I would not tolerate living with him in that state. I probably wouldn't issue an ultimatum, rather make a decision that's in your best interest. And let him know you can't live with him being in that state. That you would support him in his sobriety if that's what he chooses but if not, you can't remain in the relationship.

If he plans to get sober and healthy in the future I am sure he will let you know about it and then you can reassess the relationship. I would think marriage counselling would probably be more beneficial if he is sober.

For me, living in peace for myself and my daughter, my emotional health as well as financial stability was what I was risking (and would lose) by remaining in the relationship with my husband so I choose to leave. But you need to assess based on your own personal situation.

Soberintexas007

I think it comes down to what is more important to you: a masters degree or staying with this guy.

kmrtn32

Thank you all for your responses!

Let me clarify a bit on the new car. After my AH totaled his first car, he kept going on that he would need to get a new car. I offered to drive him in to work but he wanted his independence and his car. I think I may have been the one to suggest that he get a new car, but I was under the impression that he would get the car under his own name. Then Im being escorted from my job by my AH and a car dealership friend of his and they're explaining to me that I have great credit and....I'm sure you all know the rest. Just sign here, here, and here. I was very apprehensive about the whole thing but my AH assured me he would make the payments on time. Then he didn't make the payments on time and it was looking bad on me. So I took over the payments and driving the car since his drivers license got revoked.

After going to the marriage counselor I was pretty unimpressed during our first session. My gut's telling me not to go back. I also went to my first Al-Anon meeting and LOVED IT. It was what i was hoping for marriage counseling session and I discovered a lot about myself. Things that I figured maybe contributing to the problems my AH and I have with our relationship - control issues and anxiety.

With regard to whether I want to separate/divorce my AH or remain with him, that I'm still trying to figure out. After some talking I realized that for him to remain sober he has to focus on the present, he can't focus on the future which is what I'm doing. Earning a Masters and getting a house are things I want to do long term possibly 5+ years from now. Short term I want to earn another BS degree. I want my AH to be sober for a year but I can't trust that he will do that. He once again has assured me that things are different but what makes this situation different from all the other times? Maybear I like your suggestion of making a list and I will consider individual counseling for my AH and myself...

redatlanta

Aside from the initial failed AA experiment has your husband looked into treatment for himself? blue Chair mentioned some other programs.

I think its great for you to get some therapy. Unless hubby has suggested it for himself making an appt for him and pushing him to go most likely will not result in what you are looking for.

You need to see some action on his end in taking care of his own problem. Just not drinking (without addressing the mental portion of addiction) seldom works long term.

FeelingGreat

Hi, it seems obvious that your AH hasn't come close to wanting to become sober. He may in the future, but it's a chance you'll have to take if you stay with him. The manipulation about the car is disturbing, especially the part about promising to keep up the payments and not doing it. He's made you several promises he hasn't kept. That's more about character than alcoholism.
By all means go to counselling for yourself. It will help clarify your thoughts. The marriage counselling will be a waste of time, and I strongly suspect he set it up to keep you quiet for a while. It seems a strange choice to arrange marriage counselling when the source of the difficulties was his drinking.
If he ever decides to work seriously on sobriety it will look a lot different to what you see now.
You've said 'for him to remain sober'. It might just be semantics, but he's not sober now, and from what you written, never has been. As can't keep drinking, not even a little bit, because constantly topping up just puts them into maintenance mode.

Hawkeye13

Trust your gut--actions speak louder than words.
He talks a good game but hasn't done much meaningful to show he's serious.

What can you do besides talk about ending the relationship to show you are serious?
If you get fed up enough, one step might be separating for awhile to let him know you mean what you say.

I'm not suggesting that you do that, but as a former alcoholic myself, until really serious and permanent consequences
for my drinking began to show up, I didn't really consider quitting for good--Just stopping long enough to get my spouse off my back.

You should always trust your gut and take care of you because an alcoholic is focused on themselves and their addiction.

They don't have your back, so protect yourself.

Refiner

Although I don't have a crystal ball, the storyline that's coming thru to me is you've got a vision for your future (more degrees - more$? A house, etc) and he's going to be a hanger-on-er. He's working, so why can't he make the car payments? He coerced you into signing for the car. Do you realize that next time he drunk drives and hurts someone that YOU will be liable since your name's on the car? As his alcoholism progresses, it's more than likely he loses his job as well. Especially since he can't drink around you, you don't think he sneaks those pocket rockets at work? Is all this really the future you envision? I'm not saying to divorce, but perhaps a year trial separation for him to get his sh*t together (or not). Please please please get that car back and sell it or something! Put him in a little efficiency on a bus line. ACTIONS, not words. Until he feels some consequences, why would he want to change? Don't go down on his sinking ship if he chooses not to right it.

kmrtn32

After some back and forth, I've decided to give my AH a chance. However, I am planning ahead, in case I find out that my AH's sobriety isn't truly holding up. The plan to purse a Masters and start a family isn't for a while, so I'm willing to put these goals on hold until my AH can really call himself sober.

I am not currently seeing an individual therapist, but we are still seeing a therapist referred to us by another AA member. When we met with her, my AH and I discussed some of our concerns and she helped us clarify the other's point of view which was extremely helpful. Later on, she would like to speak with us individually. I'm guessing that's normal procedure. I'm hopeful that this could be helpful for my relationship with my AH but also myself.

Since the session and posting on this forum, I'm beginning to see how manipulative my AH can be at times. During the session for example, he failed to mention that he was hiding bottles around the house and stole money from me. I've always had an inkling that he painted the truth however he like, but I chalked it up as English being his second language. Now, I know that I have to be somewhat careful around him. For now, I will let him say that he's sober but I'll watching to SEE if he is. The moment evidence proves otherwise, I'm packing my things and moving on. The ball's in his court.

Thanks for all the help and advice everyone. It's been extremely helpful and has made me more confident in myself and my place in the whole mess. God Bless!