Vocabulary is important
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Vocabulary is important
There is a difference between understanding someone's behavior and accepting someone's behavior.
I struggled a bit in understanding this difference. My A.... I could forgive him of his behavior because he was under the influence and unaware of his actions... I could forgive him because he was addicted and that addiction was extremely difficult to change.
But what I was saying to myself was that forgiveness equalled acceptance. When really, forgiveness should equal understanding.
Just because we understand someone's struggles does not mean we have to accept it.
I struggled a bit in understanding this difference. My A.... I could forgive him of his behavior because he was under the influence and unaware of his actions... I could forgive him because he was addicted and that addiction was extremely difficult to change.
But what I was saying to myself was that forgiveness equalled acceptance. When really, forgiveness should equal understanding.
Just because we understand someone's struggles does not mean we have to accept it.
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I have found personally that I am able to accept who my husband is and what he does without ever understanding why he is who he is and does what he does.
It's a good feeling to know I don't have to spend my life figuring him out but I can accept the reality.
It's a good feeling to know I don't have to spend my life figuring him out but I can accept the reality.
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Oh well, yes. In that context of the word "accept" that makes sense.
I was actually referring to the difference between when we accept their behaviors versus when we understand their behaviors.
For instance.... Let's say he got all irate about something that probably didn't even happen and he spewed a bunch of hurtful words towards you.
Accepting that behavior is NOT okay. Many codependents accept the behavior because we are rationalizing that those words come from the disease and NOT the person.
However, that is poisonous for us and isn't healthy.
A simple shift in vocabulary... in other words, a shift in the direction we ascribe to what we know... to the words we use... can help immensely in how we take responsibility for the alcoholic's actions or behaviors.
Instead of accepting the behavior of being yelled at and called names, we can simply understand the behavior. Yes, he is probably a totally different person when he is not drunk, but in understanding as opposed to accepting, we can still have compassion, but we don't have to devalue ourselves. =)
I was actually referring to the difference between when we accept their behaviors versus when we understand their behaviors.
For instance.... Let's say he got all irate about something that probably didn't even happen and he spewed a bunch of hurtful words towards you.
Accepting that behavior is NOT okay. Many codependents accept the behavior because we are rationalizing that those words come from the disease and NOT the person.
However, that is poisonous for us and isn't healthy.
A simple shift in vocabulary... in other words, a shift in the direction we ascribe to what we know... to the words we use... can help immensely in how we take responsibility for the alcoholic's actions or behaviors.
Instead of accepting the behavior of being yelled at and called names, we can simply understand the behavior. Yes, he is probably a totally different person when he is not drunk, but in understanding as opposed to accepting, we can still have compassion, but we don't have to devalue ourselves. =)
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I prefer to talk about what you will "tolerate" rather than what you will "accept." Acceptance doesn't imply that the behavior is OK, it's simply acknowledging the reality of the behavior. Not trying to rationalize it or make it into something it's not for the sake of excusing it and avoiding the reality of it.
It's also possible to temporarily tolerate behavior while you decide what you are going to do in response to it--what boundaries you need to establish, what you will do when they are crossed, whether to stay until you have some money saved up vs. leaving immediately for the sake of your own safety or sanity.
If we can just be honest with ourselves about what is, what we are doing, and why we are doing it, that's when we are really on the road to recovery, IMO.
It's also possible to temporarily tolerate behavior while you decide what you are going to do in response to it--what boundaries you need to establish, what you will do when they are crossed, whether to stay until you have some money saved up vs. leaving immediately for the sake of your own safety or sanity.
If we can just be honest with ourselves about what is, what we are doing, and why we are doing it, that's when we are really on the road to recovery, IMO.
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I use 'acceptance' in this context to mean acceptance of reality - the opposite of denial. It does not AT ALL mean that I'm prepared to tolerate abusive behaviour.
For years I used to rationalise away my feelings around people who were being verbally abusive, not acknowledging to myself how hurtful it was until I found my confidence and even my physical health waning. That's denial.
To solve a problem, we need to recognise that there's a problem in the first place - and that's where acceptance comes in.
For years I used to rationalise away my feelings around people who were being verbally abusive, not acknowledging to myself how hurtful it was until I found my confidence and even my physical health waning. That's denial.
To solve a problem, we need to recognise that there's a problem in the first place - and that's where acceptance comes in.
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Well.... I can see that my point is being missed. I'm aware of the difference between denial and accepting reality. That's a good point; we have to accept what is before we can begin to change anything.
But I'm not talking about that
All I am talking about is how many of us, at some point, including myself, accept unacceptable behavior because we are actively detaching another's behavior from who they are. Lots of us don't do that. Lots of us have immense anger and hate towards our A's. But some of us are at a point where we can sit back and say "he doesn't mean that." Be it abuse, or just being obnoxious and keeping everyone awake. Lots of us sit and tell ourselves "he's doing this because of the alcohol, not because it is who he is."
The words accept is appropriate be cause it is the root word to unacceptable.... and unacceptable behavior is what I am referring to. Continuing to say to yourself that "oh it's just because he is drunk, and it's not who he is" is actually a truth for lots of our A's. But lovingly telling ourselves this leaves us accepting unacceptable behavior. Instead, those of us trying to detach with love or trying to keep the view of alcohol as a disease whereby the person is separate from his/her addiction, the word understanding leaves the truth to still be true while being able to let go. I can understand why he is doing what he is doing. But for the sake of my own sickness, I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. Understanding allows compassion and I can say to myself "this is unacceptable.... I can leave... or I can let go..."
I'm sure even though I am clarifying this that others will still take it to mean something else. I often feel like an outlier here. I don't quite understand why what I am saying isn't clear. Is it because in Codependent language we use the word accept when we talk about denial and reality? Or is it because my views are being "corrected"? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I'm speaking truth to someone out there. Someone will understand why I am saying what I'm saying.
But I'm not talking about that
All I am talking about is how many of us, at some point, including myself, accept unacceptable behavior because we are actively detaching another's behavior from who they are. Lots of us don't do that. Lots of us have immense anger and hate towards our A's. But some of us are at a point where we can sit back and say "he doesn't mean that." Be it abuse, or just being obnoxious and keeping everyone awake. Lots of us sit and tell ourselves "he's doing this because of the alcohol, not because it is who he is."
The words accept is appropriate be cause it is the root word to unacceptable.... and unacceptable behavior is what I am referring to. Continuing to say to yourself that "oh it's just because he is drunk, and it's not who he is" is actually a truth for lots of our A's. But lovingly telling ourselves this leaves us accepting unacceptable behavior. Instead, those of us trying to detach with love or trying to keep the view of alcohol as a disease whereby the person is separate from his/her addiction, the word understanding leaves the truth to still be true while being able to let go. I can understand why he is doing what he is doing. But for the sake of my own sickness, I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. Understanding allows compassion and I can say to myself "this is unacceptable.... I can leave... or I can let go..."
I'm sure even though I am clarifying this that others will still take it to mean something else. I often feel like an outlier here. I don't quite understand why what I am saying isn't clear. Is it because in Codependent language we use the word accept when we talk about denial and reality? Or is it because my views are being "corrected"? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I'm speaking truth to someone out there. Someone will understand why I am saying what I'm saying.
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I used to sit back and tell myself 'He/she doesn't mean that...' whilst enduring all sorts of verbal abuse in relationships - not particularly from alcoholics. They probably didn't. As far as I was aware it wasn't affecting me either. It was a bit of an eye-opener, though, when my brother-in-law asked conversationally if I was seeing someone at the time. I told him I wasn't, and he commented "Yes, I thought you were looking happy!"
It's not something I'd be prepared to tolerate in a relationship any more.
LemonGirl, sorry you feel like an outlier here... I can only speak for myself and express my own experience, strength and hope - which will certainly be different to yours. Both are equally valid! And, as they say in Alanon, "take what you liked - and leave the rest!"
(((HUGS)))
It's not something I'd be prepared to tolerate in a relationship any more.
LemonGirl, sorry you feel like an outlier here... I can only speak for myself and express my own experience, strength and hope - which will certainly be different to yours. Both are equally valid! And, as they say in Alanon, "take what you liked - and leave the rest!"
(((HUGS)))
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