scared what to do with my abf
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 4
scared what to do with my abf
Okay hi y'all. I've never posted here before but I needed a safe space. I'm at my boyfriend (of about 9 months) house right now waiting for him to get home from work. I love him very, very much and was looking forward to fulfilling our future plans, including moving in together in the coming months but-- yes. About a month ago I found out about his alcoholism when he got super drunk and passed out, so we missed a wedding (friends of his, not friends of mine). Three or four days later he checked himself into the hospital and went through detox for about a week. He's supposed to be in an outpatient program now but it's only a few days a week. He admitted to me that he had some drinks on Saturday but swears he hadn't since then. Except that he was sick this morning, with the sweats, and I found some empty cans in the recycling in his house. So he's definitely lying, and not taking his recovery seriously enough. (oh, also, two days after he got out of the hospital I found out my ex-bf killed himself, and current bf has been *incredibly* supportive and wonderful throughout the whole thing.. but anyway) My mother is an alcoholic as well and I know that the only thing more painful than leaving is watching his slow descent. I saw my therapist and we talked about how I have to give him an ultimatum-- either go to rehab or do 90-in-90 meetings, or I have to leave. I'm so ******* sad and afraid. I want to say I don't know what to do, but I do know what to do, I just really ******* don't want to do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 4
I know-- I know. When he went into the hospital I told him we'd have to delay but now that he's still drinking and hiding it... I wanted to stay by him and work through this but clearly sobriety isn't his number one priority like it needs to be-- so I know I need to leave but my heart feels so heavy about it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Petit.............He does not NEED you to help him. In fact, it will be impossible for you to "help" him.
What you think of as "help" is, in reality, enabling him. (You may not be aware of that, I know....). But it is true.
His best chance of recovery is for you to get out of h is way.
If he DID get into recovery....he will need his program to be his first priority for a long time......early recovery is a bitch for the loved ones---more than for the alcoholic, even.
dandylion
What you think of as "help" is, in reality, enabling him. (You may not be aware of that, I know....). But it is true.
His best chance of recovery is for you to get out of h is way.
If he DID get into recovery....he will need his program to be his first priority for a long time......early recovery is a bitch for the loved ones---more than for the alcoholic, even.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'd be worried about you if you didn't have a heavy heart. It's absolutely normal to feel sad about the end of a dream.
I think you know what to do and it will be difficult, but short term pain for long term gain. Please take good care of you, and don't get any more entwined in his sickness. He has to do this on his own.
I think you know what to do and it will be difficult, but short term pain for long term gain. Please take good care of you, and don't get any more entwined in his sickness. He has to do this on his own.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
maybe you could start by taking care of you and going to Alanon meeting for yourself for starters.
Put the focus on you.
Put the focus on you.
Originally Posted by petitpetitchou 
Okay hi y'all. I've never posted here before but I needed a safe space. I'm at my boyfriend (of about 9 months) house right now waiting for him to get home from work. I love him very, very much and was looking forward to fulfilling our future plans, including moving in together in the coming months but-- yes. About a month ago I found out about his alcoholism when he got super drunk and passed out, so we missed a wedding (friends of his, not friends of mine). Three or four days later he checked himself into the hospital and went through detox for about a week. He's supposed to be in an outpatient program now but it's only a few days a week. He admitted to me that he had some drinks on Saturday but swears he hadn't since then. Except that he was sick this morning, with the sweats, and I found some empty cans in the recycling in his house. So he's definitely lying, and not taking his recovery seriously enough. (oh, also, two days after he got out of the hospital I found out my ex-bf killed himself, and current bf has been *incredibly* supportive and wonderful throughout the whole thing.. but anyway) My mother is an alcoholic as well and I know that the only thing more painful than leaving is watching his slow descent. I saw my therapist and we talked about how I have to give him an ultimatum-- either go to rehab or do 90-in-90 meetings, or I have to leave. I'm so ******* sad and afraid. I want to say I don't know what to do, but I do know what to do, I just really ******* don't want to do it.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Petit I'm so sorry for what brings you here. But even if it appears he wants to get it together, are you willing to sign up for the constant watching-over-your-shoulder-waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop relationship? You're relatively new in your relationship and this could be a life altering decision that will forever affect you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I didn't marry my first husband until he was solidly sober for a year. He has 35 years of continuous sobriety today. With my second husband, he had almost died of liver failure, and during a brief period of sobriety (and with unwarranted optimism based on my first husband's experience) I married him. He went back to drinking almost immediately and we lived together only a few months after marriage.
A year doesn't guarantee he will stay sober, but it will give you a much better sense of whether he's really "got it" or whether he still has more drinking to do.
A year doesn't guarantee he will stay sober, but it will give you a much better sense of whether he's really "got it" or whether he still has more drinking to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 26
Btw: you mentioned that he did a detox for a week and is 'supposed to' now be in an outpatient program?
I'm not an expert here- and i dint know the extent of your bf's drinking-
but detox is not recovery?... And in my situation - I knew Nothing of the subject going into the relationship. Early on - I got the same thing- my bf checked himself in bc he couldn't stop drinking- I thought that meant he was being proactive and really serious about getting well... After reading around here the past few months- I honestly now wonder if it wasnt just part of his pattern...even a way to make me think he was making the effort.
Not that your situation is the same - just saying.... Keep reading around.
I'm not an expert here- and i dint know the extent of your bf's drinking-
but detox is not recovery?... And in my situation - I knew Nothing of the subject going into the relationship. Early on - I got the same thing- my bf checked himself in bc he couldn't stop drinking- I thought that meant he was being proactive and really serious about getting well... After reading around here the past few months- I honestly now wonder if it wasnt just part of his pattern...even a way to make me think he was making the effort.
Not that your situation is the same - just saying.... Keep reading around.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Salut p'tit chou! Bienvenue.
I went through a lot of pain in my alcoholic relationship. I loved him. I was desperate for him to change (read, get sober) so we could be happy. The thing is, he was perfectly happy drinking and doing what he did. I was the one who had a problem with it.
I also grew up in an alcoholic home, and it impacted me in ways I never really understood. Alanon meetings have helped me tremendously. I am also doing individual counseling. Those two things plus a dating hiatus (18 months and counting) has really helped me to unravel the damage done during my childhood that I have unfortunately carried into my adult relationships.
Good call on the Alanon meeting. I hope you find some healing.
I went through a lot of pain in my alcoholic relationship. I loved him. I was desperate for him to change (read, get sober) so we could be happy. The thing is, he was perfectly happy drinking and doing what he did. I was the one who had a problem with it.
I also grew up in an alcoholic home, and it impacted me in ways I never really understood. Alanon meetings have helped me tremendously. I am also doing individual counseling. Those two things plus a dating hiatus (18 months and counting) has really helped me to unravel the damage done during my childhood that I have unfortunately carried into my adult relationships.
Good call on the Alanon meeting. I hope you find some healing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
I was in your shoes a few months ago. I thought I could change him if he moved in with me, but I decided that moving in wasn't going to fix anything. He needs to want to change.. don't try to fix him, it never ever worked for me
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
All the negative aspects that go with an active alcohol will never give you the positive life you are in search of.
It's all a learning process, and only when you are willing and able to say, I am worthy of so much more, will life begin to change for you.
There are people here with 20-30 years invested , all the while believing that life would get better , and it never did. The disease progressed and they are now living with a shell.
My intent is not to disregard your nine month relationship, but honestly, in the big picture of life, nine months is a drop in the bucket.
The question we all had to ask ourselves. If this as good as it ever will be, is that good enough?
Only you can decide, what a quality of life is.
Big hugs to you.
It's all a learning process, and only when you are willing and able to say, I am worthy of so much more, will life begin to change for you.
There are people here with 20-30 years invested , all the while believing that life would get better , and it never did. The disease progressed and they are now living with a shell.
My intent is not to disregard your nine month relationship, but honestly, in the big picture of life, nine months is a drop in the bucket.
The question we all had to ask ourselves. If this as good as it ever will be, is that good enough?
Only you can decide, what a quality of life is.
Big hugs to you.
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