still_me

I am trying so hard not to drink or use anything today! I feel almost like I'm wired or something. Everything seems to be going 100mph in my mind and my body. I logically know it is my mind messing with me but I can't seem to slow anything down. I am fighting the wanting to just drink a tiny bit or use just enough of SOMETHING to slow down! I really really want to make it thru today. I am not ready to go to a meeting so I am using this board as an alternative for today anyway. I am now home for the rest of the day and at least at this very moment I am crawling out of my skin from the internal struggle. What do you do when you can't go to a meeting and you don't know anyone in recovery anymore??????? not that I can do a f2f anyway so I need some suggestions SOON PLEASE.
thanks

elvisbabygirl

I AM ONLY 41 DAYS SOBER...SO I DO understand your heebie jeebies. your body is going to feel like garbage foer the next few weeks. mine did, and still has a few flutters of "yuck". you can choose to get through it alone, or reach out like you have here. these people here are great.


got to an a.a. meeting. grab someone and ask them to talk to you. let it out. they will help. if not call friends. call family...find something to do other thatn drinkor drug.....

believe me it is so darn hard....to help the shakey stuff i drank a lot of strawberry malts from fosters freeze and ate bite sized hershey bars. the sugar helps and it soothes the nerves.

i am checking out for the day. i will check in with you


you can do it.....5 minutes at a time. that is my motto

Anna

Hi Still me,

You hang in there and get through today - drinking or using now is not going to help the situation. You will start to feel better before long. I remember the first couple of days withdrawing from alcohol were so uncomfortable and strange. But, it gets better if you hang in.

You have people here at SR who understand what you're going through. I'll be around the computer all evening so PM if you want to.

Love, Anna

lulu70

Hi still_me. I am Laura and I am a gratefully recovering alkie/pothead with a precious six months clean and sober. Why is it that you can't go to a meeting? How about calling the AA or NA hotline in your area? I just came from a great meeting and I know without them I would either be drunk or insane.

Keep posting--we are all here for you.

Hugs to you--

still_me

Thanks for the replies so far. Right now I don't have anyone I can talk too f2f because I just can't make myself go to a meeting yet. I know where there are meetings I just can't make myself go. It is like someone else posted about pride except I don't feel like I'm better than them now I feel horribly ashamed of where I'm at again. I use to go to meetings. I got clean and sober in 95 and stayed that way up til about 2 yrs ago. I went to meetings for about the first 5 yrs then felt I didn't need them. Now I can't get myself to go to any meetings because of embarrassment. I know eventually I will have to go if I want to stay clean/sober but I am trying to be realistic with myself in getting thru this night. I know I won't go to a meeting tonight. I did go to the meetingroom here at 5:30 cause I thought there was going to be a meeting but there isn't one. Even if there was I would just probably hang out and listen. I have been doing busy work since I got home again. cleaned, cleaned, cleaned.......poor dog hardly has any hair left. You want to know something totally strange??????? My teen children see me drink but I hide this website from them. If they come in the room while i'm on here I close it so they can't see it. I'm just rambling on now but whatever. I just don't want to drink/use tonight.

Anna

Hi Still me

I sure understand the feelings of shame and guilt. It's really hard to deal with all the negative feelings that drinking cause. And, I'm sure you know how to be sober because you've done it before. So, I hope you can hang in there tonight and try to regain control of your life.

Keep posting and hang around. It's an inspirational place!

Love, Anna

wingsfree

Hi still me, I'm so sorry you're having such a struggle now. Please keep fighting. Have you thought about calling AA, they will get someone to call you back. They did with me and it was 6am when I called, and the lady I talked to told me to hang on, she'd find someone soon, and whoa it wasn't 5 minutes later a woman called back and talked to me, took her time, listened, and she helped me. It's something to think about. I don't think you need to be embarrassed, your HUMAN, and people at AA understand, jeepers. I hope you find the strength to go back when you know it will help you there, it can't hurt, right? Better then sitting there tormenting the heck out of yourself.
We sure all understand here what you're going through.
Please hang in there. I'm sorta just letting my fingers go here, my head is still fuzzy, day two for me, and I want to keep going ahead, so I know how you're feeling, it hurts to bad drinking, doesn't it, HURTS real bad.

In memory of miracle

Still me , How long off the drink or drugs ? In the begining for me I too had a problem with the racing thoughts , just know that in time you will calm down . I would haveto yell out " stop " sometimes just to break the thought patterns , I also did alot of talking to my higher power and pretty much did it 5 minutes at a time . I also use " move a muscle change a thought " and found when I was busy I didnt have too much time to think . I went back out after 6 years and was also resistant to meetings , today I think that was the way my disease won with me , because for me without the meetings I cant get well . I got beat up enough that thank god I finally surrendered . I went back to save my life and when I thought of it I sure wasnt embarassed to get drunk and act like an A1 a$$ in front of people , why would I be ashamed to go back to AA ? I was only welcomed and loved there ! I shook and sweated my way thru the first couple of months and the group helped me through it all . I pray you find the courage to go back " home " Prayers ^ Trish

still_me

I just reread this so you don't have to read it. I think I just needed to write it all out for ME.

ok is now 7pm. So far so good. I'm VERY antsy right now so I'll talk to myself or anyone reading. One thing I'm afraid of is surrender. I really want to quit hence THIS DAY. I know I haven't surrendered because if I had I wouldn't be in such a turmoil right now. When I got clean/sober in 95 I don't know HOW I did the first real day. I didn't count my 7 days in detox as Real time, I then went from there to a 30 day tx center. I REALLY thought I had worked hard there and THOUGHT I had surrendered at that time. I came back after the 30 days and went straight into an outpatient tx. This whole time I had been clean and THOUGHT i was through.....thought I had surrendered. THEN the cravings came back after just a few days in the outpatient program. I didn't use drugs but I might as well have. I was VERY sick still and even started using needles with water cause I was such a mess. I mean I was a minute away from putting drugs in the needles next. I would have been right back where I had started again. My extended family knew i was having a hard time and TRIED to help but I was basically back in full blown using mode but hadn't aDDED THE drugs yet, if that makes sense to anyone. Anyway I was threatened with losing my children unless I got more treatment. I mean my family went as far as coming to my home and disabling my car and taking my keys and all kinds of stuff to get me to go to another longterm tx center. I can remember this day like it happened yesterday. I had called to get drugs finally but had no way to go get them and was pissed. I remember sitting at my kitchen table and calling the cops even and saying how the family had stolen my keys and disabled my car and wasn't it illegal or something. The officer asked me why they did this and me being the smart addict and drunk I am told him the truth......they wanted me to go back into drug/alcohol tx. Well the cop of course is like GO THEN!!! Anyway I didn't want to give him my name by then so I just hung up and I was looking thru the phonebook to get a locksmith out for the car and my ex to come get it to start. I am dead serious here that I was like completely insane to get the drugs FINALLY and pissed and ready to forget EVERYTHING when all the sudden it was like I ran into a brick wall, mentally. All the sudden in a split second all that was taken away and I was left with "what the hell am i doing". I mean one second I'm looking up locksmiths and the next second BAM. I immediately called my family and said "i'll go again". I then went to a 6 month tx. I don't know what happened that caused that split second complete flip but all the sudden I was willing and honestly felt completely beaten and wiped out. I use to say SOMETHING intervined because I was headed for the drugs and all the sudden it was gone. Anyway I am afraid that this time something like that won't happen. I think WHATEVER it was that intervined made me surrender right then and there. I stayed clean/sober until almost 2 yrs ago. What happened for me to start up again?????? Not a clue but I'm afraid what intervined before won't again. I'm afraid I can't surrender, that I don't know how too. Something made me surrender before I truly believe. I don't know how to do it myself. For today I'm white knuckling it.

Ok I just reread all this and maybe I just needed to write this all out so I could bring it to the front of my head again. Maybe this is what I needed to do to not drink or use right this minute.

Anna

Absolutely, do whatever you need to do to not drink or use right now. And writing here and reading other posts can help you. I didn't have a moment happen like you described. When I stopped drinking it was more a situation where I began to feel better and better physically, emotionally and mentally and it made it worth while to stay sober.

Hang in there tonight and face tomorrow sober.

Love, Anna

KelKel

Still me
Glad you found us.
Withdrawals suck and make you feel like you are losing it...
My name is Kel and I am an alcoholic.
Whatever Higher power helped you to surrender before is still there.
Some People with addiction's relapse (like me), believe me when you get back to a meeting you will see that you are not alone. It is the nature of our disease...
Keep hanging out here, talking and sharing.
We do have meetings here the times are listed under the Misc. category in the forums listings.
Take a deep breath, take a shower, go for a walk...try to get out of your head even if it is for just 10 minutes.
Take care
We are here for you...

still_me

Thank you for everyones encouraging words. It helps me so much to just be able to "talk" to others about this even if not f2f. Someone asked how long off drugs/booze. Today is the first day. My withdrawal is mostly mentally and emotionally but you could NEVER convince my body of that right now. I'm kind of afraid to go do anything to "relax" cause the first thought that comes to mind is a nice bath, WITH A DRINK IN HAND or something else......with a drink in hand. You know it's funny how when you try to stay away from the drugs you drink more and when you try not to drink you use more.........doesn't leave you in a very good place when you try to not drink OR use. I keep thinking in just a few hours I can go to bed BUT how will I sleep????? I always have a little help to sleep so I'm thinking this may be a long night. A few nights ago I made it til like 9pm when I ended up going out. Tonight I have already told my children I'm not home to talk to anyone. that I"m really tired so tell everyone I'm not feeling well so I went to bed. That will at least keep from happening what happened before. anyway is now 8pm and still good.

Jalyn

Hi Still Me,

I am on day 1 as well. I don't know how I will sleep either. I guess I will think about how good I will feel in the morning when I wake up with no fuzziness or hang over. Sometimes I am scared to go to bed and that gave me a reason to drink before going to bed as well. I can have nasty panic/anxiety attacks if I am trying to not drink and/or hung over. They are emotional/mental withdrawal I suppose but it is still a VERY physical feeling so I can really relate to that.

Hang in there because tomorrow we will be able to say that the first day is over! Jalyn

still_me

It's now 9pm and I actually went away from the computer for a little bit this time. I'm getting really stressed about trying to sleep now. I want to crawl into bed now and go to sleep so I can wake up and have 1 day clean and sober but i'm stressing on how will i ever sleep. I'm going to try reading see if that can put me to sleep. God this is just so ridiculous!

hang in there Jalyn. Hopefully we'll both wake up feeling better in the morning.

kckman

still me, I just read your thread. After reading it I can feel your strength. You are doing this . You are not drinking today. You have the ability to get through this day without drinking. You have been doing it all day. It takes work and you are in the trench working through this day. If you cant sleep just rest, count your breaths. Practice breathing give your self a hug. The time will pass. Good luck, Stay connected to SR. We will give you a line to hold on to. Believe me we are in the trench next to you climbing out. You put the shovel down today and stopped digging. Please stay in touch.

still_me

kckman Thank you. My resolve was fading a bit just now til I read your post. Amazing how a few words can make a difference. I want this.

kckman

still me, It doesnt matter to me if you go to AA or not. Dont get me wrong I would never talk bad about AA. As far as I am concerned do what ever works for you.
The only thing that matters now is that you do not drink. The addiction that is part of you will try very hard to trick you into taking a drink. It knows you and it knows how to talk to you. You are going to have an oppertunity now, to really get to know how your addiction works. As it tries to manipulate you to resume drinking. You can seperate your self from it. Remember You dont want to drink the addiction wants you to drink. It cant servive with out you. This is something I learned in Rational recovery When you hear I want a drink you can change that to it wants a drink. Dont feed it. Give your self time say a day at a time. The time passes and It begins to fade. It will never die though. I believe It will always exist within. I believe that in time. A day at a time. It will become less important. I am liking myself better now that I dont drink. I still struggle with it. but every day I wake up without a Hang Over and all that potential baggage. I win. Smile you can get today.

KelKel

Still me...
How are you doing?
Like kckman said, concentrating on your breathing, just thinking about the breath going in and out of your body can be relaxing.
Hang in there sweetie...

still_me

kelkel
Doing good thanks. 11pm and actually feeling a little tired. Things are slowing down. I will try the breathing tech. you guys suggested. I'm going to try to go to sleep. Kind of feels like christmas.......can't wait to fall asleep so I can wake up to a VERY special day

kckman thank you for the good suggestions. I am NOT going to feed the addiction at all tonight. Can you tell me what rational recovery is or a website I can read up on it or something. Thanks again to all of you that are helping me make it through this night!!

kckman

still me, you can find out more at rational recovery.org. It was started by Jack Trimpy. I like to keep this in mind as far as RR goes like AA take what you need leave the rest.The important thing is to stop your addiction it is life and death. You can do it. we are doing it. It doest really matter how you stop the insanity of the adictive cycle. the important thing is to stop. You become more happy every day you dont drink.