sorcharuane

So I didn't stick to my 40 days no contact plan. My ex texted a couple of times and asked me to talk so I have ended up meeting twice to talk. Why? I think the real reason is because it is so hard and so painful to let go, to make the final decision that this is it. I just don't know if I'm there yet. He was different than usual in that he doesn't usually ask to talk when he sobers up, can't admit any vulnerability sober, doesn't usually want to hear about what the relationship is like for me when he's drinking once he sobers up, doesn't say sorry. It's more like I'm sober now, everything's good, let's just get on. But this time he did all of these things, maybe just because I stayed out of contact so long it gave him a bit of a fright though that's not why I was doing it.

He talked about how hard he's trying to stay away from drink, how much he wants to, but not enough to go to treatment or meetings. He has tried both and says they're not for him, he will just pray. He is a binger and when he's sober we have a good relationship in a lot of ways. I suppose that's why it's hard to let go. He's a very kind, loving, caring and helpful man. But when he starts drinking it's another story. I'm sure you all know it, it's not the one that ends with 'and they all lived happily ever after'! And I have no illusions, I don't think things are going to change anytime soon. What I've been asking myself is what would it be like to spend time with him(we don't live together), when he is sober and just not see him at all when he is drinking? In the past I've tried to spend time with him when he is drinking partly out of my own loneliness, partly to please him, look after him etc. He says he understands and accepts that I can't do this anymore.

He says he loves me and I do believe him. And I think I love him too though I did realise during the time apart there's a lot of need, escapism and fear in my attachment to him, always has been and I have started working on that stuff in myself and intend to keep doing so. He often says that he loves me more than I love him and I don't know whether that's true or not. The thing is I shut down a lot when he started the last bender, partly because I knew he'd be unavailable, senseless, paranoid, arrogant etc for weeks and I knew I'd had enough of that and partly because he had come close to death I think in the previous 6 months from drink. I didn't want to be on the receiving end of his nonsense again and I didn't want to watch how sick he would get. Now I just don't know if I can open up again. The thought of it is almost as scary as the thought of really finishing it for good. I know how crazy this sounds. I go to alanon regularly, though it might not seem like it reading this! I suppose what I'm asking is, has anyone here found a way to have a workable relationship with an alcoholic? If so, I would love to hear how!

firebolt

Every time I think I can deal with living with an active alcoholic and lead a happy life, we both prove me wrong. I'm sorry. We just deserve better.

Refiner

I think you're going to get more "no's" than "yes's" with your ending question. And it really depends on what you want out of your relationship. The bottom line is you don't want to be lonely and that is why you spend time with him both when he's sober and when he's drinking. And now you just want to cut out the part of spending time with him when he's drinking. But won't you still be lonely? So what does it matter? What's your goal in a relationship with him? If you're satisfied being a "part time girlfriend" while he's having an affair with the bottle, then you should be fine with it. But I really don't think that's the case. I'm sorry.

Duckygirl1

Dear one, one wants an inspiring relationship, a gratifying relationship, a relationship that makes you stronger, happier and content. One wants a relationship with a healthy, present, CONSISTENT , supportive person. Not simply one that is "workable". He doesn't love you more than anything, he loves his cups more than anything. So much so that he doesn't want treatment. That is the end game of it.

The progression of the disease does not permit them to have a workable relationship with themselves much less anyone else. The no contact is awful I know, but this is YOUR rehab and time to concentrate on your healing and finding out why you are willing to settle for bits and pieces of a sick man rather than healing and finding a whole life with a well one. Find the one who wants you around when he's sober. Try to keep yourself bust building your life, spend time with friends, take up a hobby, and by all means take care of yourself! ((( hugs)))

SparkleKitty

You could try not living with him and maintaining boundaries of not hanging out with him or talking to him when he's drinking. In my opinion, to do so would be settling for a relationship that is less than you deserve, but if you are not ready to let go yet, you can try to at least build healthy boundaries and protect yourself from his bad behavior and the consequences that stem from it. He may not like it. You may not like it. But you could try it and see what happens.

The key here is NOT living with him, and sticking by your own boundaries. Remember it would not be to manipulate him into changing, it's simply accepting his limitations and protecting yourself from the fallout.

I wish you luck, whatever you choose.

CarmenLove

Hey,

If you are not ready to let him go completely how about dating him AND other people, for now.

That way you are not waiting and hoping on him, but you don't have to do this big, dramatic thing of leaving him and cutting it off (until you are ready).

Seedpod

Honestly, I would have been okay with living apart and only spending sober time together. I didn't live with my exabf for many years, mostly because I never saw a long enough period of sobriety/employment to feel comfortable letting him move in. When he finally lost his house and had no other place to go I let him come live with me. Binges and unemployment continued, but I really did enjoy the man's company--just not drunk. Living with him became too much, but I probably could have gone on indefinitely living apart, spending sober time with him and leaving him to himself when he drank. He would have never settled for that, though, having a relationship and not sharing a home would have seemed pointless to him.

happycampers

How does a guy afford to drink when he's unemployed ? It's not cheap being a drunk ! And how does he pay for food to eat ? How does that all work ?

ErinGoBragh

I'm afraid I never understood the no-contact-for-40-days rule. It sounds like you were being very hard on yourself. When I went no contact, I did it for the day. One day at a time. That way, I didn't have to beat myself up if I failed to meet my goals. It's sad, but you sound like an A trying to white-knuckle it to sobriety. That is bound to fail.

If an active A tells you he/she loves you more than you love them, or if they proclaim love at all, I would take it with a huge grain of salt. Someone in active addiction is very self-absorbed. They want what they want when they want it. He wants you in his life, on his terms, right now. You are being a willing victim.

All I can tell you is this: Addicts have what they frequently call "a moment of clarity." They suddenly realize they are an addict and they seek treatment and recovery. From my side of the fence, I FINALLY had my moment of clarity when I realized that as much as I loved my husband, I had to let go. It was not easy. It was painful. But I valued my own life enough to take it back. He had rented too much space in my mind for too long.

Even if you love this man and he loves you, you sound absolutely miserable. Miserable is no way to live life.

sorcharuane

Thank you all so much for the replies. Just to clarify, I don't live with him and never have. It's been a week since I agreed to try again with seeing him only when he was sober. And I found I just couldn't get back in. It was nice seeing him, spending a bit of time with him when he was sober, catching up. But I felt like I had really shut down, couldn't open up, couldn't allow my hopes to be raised again because I just know without treatment it's going to be the same old story. I didn't feel I wanted to be physically intimate with him as that is just letting him get to close. He knew how I was feeling. He is pretty sensitive in that way or intuitive or whatever you might call it. Anyway it all came to a bit of a head last night and ended up with his making his usual veiled threats to meet someone else and me telling him basically I don't care what you do anymore. I do actually, I still care, it still breaks my heart to let go and I don't know why but it does. I actually don't want a full time relationship, I have a lot of other stuff in my life, but I do want something different than this- full on for a few weeks, it's like he wants me to be his entertainment, his solution, his companion and all that when he's not drinking, and then total absence, or just nonsense and abuse for a few weeks when he is drinking.

Everyone I know, my kids, my family and friends have been telling me I deserve better and I know that. It's not been about what I think I deserve, I think it's been about me not wanting to go through another grief process with letting go and about not wanting to be on my own and make the changes I need to make in my own life. I still don't want this bit it looks like I'm out of options and so I'm back to no contact, and yes, one day at a time this time. I really want to thank you all, this site has been one of the things that has kept me going over the last few weeks.

Hawkeye13

Sending you hugs sorcharuane--it is hard to let go of feelings even if it is the "best" thing for us.

Lady3

Hi, im the one who drinks... I was with my ex for over five years and we broke up about 6 months ago. The last year we were together, we went through almost the same thing were we would.try, but even I was shut down because i knew he was dating already, i hated that because , i knew he loved me wanted marriage, but i suppose at least in my case I would still want to fix things because I felt that drinker was not me. And i wanted.to continue being that peraon he fell in love with, but then the demon would take over again. I dont want to feel abandoned by the one person whos supposed to be there for me no matter what, but in my case he wasnt helping me either, so i left. It cant be fixed anymore, i have to move on by myself but maybe thats the best gift he gave me, out in the cold alone to fend for my self emotionally to realize "hey do this for yourself, not for me" I myself will not start dating until i feel i have 100% of myself to give. Stay atrong, sometimes the best thing you can do is leave because you have to live your life too...