Do they have a detox for this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Do they have a detox for this
Need a detox program for codependency and being addicted to my stbxah. I am having such a difficult time with this. He hates me right now. Before he was being nice and I guess that was a lie. But him spewing his hate at me every chance he gets is difficult. And I can't stop thinking about him no matter where I am, what I'm doing. I can't even turn on the radio or TV hardly. I just break down. I know I don't miss his abuse. But I miss the him that I loved. I miss the him that liked me. I am just sad and alone. He was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning and the last one at night. Last night I sent him this really long emotional text and opened up my heart and he called and was just as hateful if not more. Telling me that I am a mistake and him marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. I was a good wife to him. He even told me that a priest told him to leave our marriage.
Do any of you have any helpful hints? It's like I know I should put up walls and do whatever I can to not think about him. But I stupidly still love him or think that I love him. I have loved him since we were 8, is it going to take me that many years to get over this hurt and rejection and him hating me so much?
Do any of you have any helpful hints? It's like I know I should put up walls and do whatever I can to not think about him. But I stupidly still love him or think that I love him. I have loved him since we were 8, is it going to take me that many years to get over this hurt and rejection and him hating me so much?
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Actually I truly believe that there should be more resources and programs for the family. There is not enough support for the family as it is usually the addicted one that gets all the attention.
While in daytox it was great for me as lots of classes for me in regards to how to deal with my addiction.
They had something for the family, however, it was more of an information session on what your addicted family member was going thru.
I find that a lot of time the family members are left hanging or have to figure out stuff on their own. Don't know why these recovery places can't have something going for the family members too as they need to recover also.
While in daytox it was great for me as lots of classes for me in regards to how to deal with my addiction.
They had something for the family, however, it was more of an information session on what your addicted family member was going thru.
I find that a lot of time the family members are left hanging or have to figure out stuff on their own. Don't know why these recovery places can't have something going for the family members too as they need to recover also.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
You don't need a detox or anything, I actually also thought the same thing. You were in an abusive relationship. If you were like me, you put all of your concentration on trying to make things right, trying to say things the right way, walking on eggshells all of the time, and sorry to say this, but sometimes when they were raging or giving silent treatment you felt right at home, because you knew what to expect then.
It's mostly the periods where they are somewhat decent, or actually nice to you that you don't know what to do. You walk on eggshells, because you want that period of time to last forever, but it won't. They find out what your innermost fear is, with most "codies" it is the fear of rejection and abandonment. It might be theirs also, but they need to reject you first, even when you aren't trying to reject them. All you are doing is trying to say, I hurt because of..................(fill in the blanks)
You know you can't tell them that. I think you've been through that. Them understanding or listening, ain't gonna happen. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
We want, we crave validation. After all, didn't we spend all these years, listening to this BS, how can any normal person not know this BS, was BS. They really don't see it. They really don't. So, I'll say I just wanted validation. I think I really did get to the point that I didn't care if I loved him, or he loved me, I wanted validation, I wanted to be "RIGHT".
I was fighting for my own sanity with someone who told me I was insane.
Someone who told me --- "When you fight, that other person (me) is the enemy, and you can do and say whatever you want to hurt that person as much as you can, and then when you get rid of your rage, you go to that person (me) and make love to them.
searching peace, you are not dealing with normal. You really aren't.
I'll be here for you.
It took me about 3 years after my divorce before I started to somewhat resemble normal. Still not there yet.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
PS - Please excuse me for not talking about this in the alcoholic spectrum. I am talking about the abuse end of things.
It's mostly the periods where they are somewhat decent, or actually nice to you that you don't know what to do. You walk on eggshells, because you want that period of time to last forever, but it won't. They find out what your innermost fear is, with most "codies" it is the fear of rejection and abandonment. It might be theirs also, but they need to reject you first, even when you aren't trying to reject them. All you are doing is trying to say, I hurt because of..................(fill in the blanks)
You know you can't tell them that. I think you've been through that. Them understanding or listening, ain't gonna happen. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.
We want, we crave validation. After all, didn't we spend all these years, listening to this BS, how can any normal person not know this BS, was BS. They really don't see it. They really don't. So, I'll say I just wanted validation. I think I really did get to the point that I didn't care if I loved him, or he loved me, I wanted validation, I wanted to be "RIGHT".
I was fighting for my own sanity with someone who told me I was insane.
Someone who told me --- "When you fight, that other person (me) is the enemy, and you can do and say whatever you want to hurt that person as much as you can, and then when you get rid of your rage, you go to that person (me) and make love to them.
searching peace, you are not dealing with normal. You really aren't.
I'll be here for you.
It took me about 3 years after my divorce before I started to somewhat resemble normal. Still not there yet.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
PS - Please excuse me for not talking about this in the alcoholic spectrum. I am talking about the abuse end of things.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One thing I used to do was to write those heartfelt letters (sad, raging, depending on the mood) and then NOT SEND THEM. Compose in a Word document or on paper, and then DELETE or throw it away. Block all the modes of communication--email, phones, the evil Facebook, all of it.
One way in which "detoxing" from a relationship is like detoxing from alcohol, is that you have to just STOP. At all costs. Every little "slip" sends you backwards in your recovery and makes it that much harder for you.
Yes, it's painful at first, but you have to tough your way through it. Meantime, go to Al-Anon, post here, read recovery literature (for you, not him), do nice things for your space and for yourself. It gets better. But you gotta do the hard stuff to get to the good stuff.
One way in which "detoxing" from a relationship is like detoxing from alcohol, is that you have to just STOP. At all costs. Every little "slip" sends you backwards in your recovery and makes it that much harder for you.
Yes, it's painful at first, but you have to tough your way through it. Meantime, go to Al-Anon, post here, read recovery literature (for you, not him), do nice things for your space and for yourself. It gets better. But you gotta do the hard stuff to get to the good stuff.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
Hi searching peace. Big hugs to you.
When one is an abusive relationship, your self esteem is shattered. It can take some time to heal yourself from the abuse that you have suffered.
Be patient and kind with yourself. Commit to no contact with him if at all possible.
And if you can, find a counsellor that specialises in domestic abuse so they can help you heal.
You are worth so much, the abuse that you suffered is a reflection on him, not at all you.
When one is an abusive relationship, your self esteem is shattered. It can take some time to heal yourself from the abuse that you have suffered.
Be patient and kind with yourself. Commit to no contact with him if at all possible.
And if you can, find a counsellor that specialises in domestic abuse so they can help you heal.
You are worth so much, the abuse that you suffered is a reflection on him, not at all you.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Alanon meetings.
Originally Posted by searching peace 
Need a detox program for codependency and being addicted to my stbxah. I am having such a difficult time with this. He hates me right now. Before he was being nice and I guess that was a lie. But him spewing his hate at me every chance he gets is difficult. And I can't stop thinking about him no matter where I am, what I'm doing. I can't even turn on the radio or TV hardly. I just break down. I know I don't miss his abuse. But I miss the him that I loved. I miss the him that liked me. I am just sad and alone. He was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning and the last one at night. Last night I sent him this really long emotional text and opened up my heart and he called and was just as hateful if not more. Telling me that I am a mistake and him marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. I was a good wife to him. He even told me that a priest told him to leave our marriage.
Do any of you have any helpful hints? It's like I know I should put up walls and do whatever I can to not think about him. But I stupidly still love him or think that I love him. I have loved him since we were 8, is it going to take me that many years to get over this hurt and rejection and him hating me so much?
Do any of you have any helpful hints? It's like I know I should put up walls and do whatever I can to not think about him. But I stupidly still love him or think that I love him. I have loved him since we were 8, is it going to take me that many years to get over this hurt and rejection and him hating me so much?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Like any other addict seeking recovery, first you need to detox. On the codependent side of things, that means No Contact.
Start by not thinking about it being forever. Just get through 24 hours at a time of No Contact. You have to stop giving yourself the drug of attention from him.
On the other side of things, you need to learn to give YOURSELF the validation you are currently seeking from him.
Start by not thinking about it being forever. Just get through 24 hours at a time of No Contact. You have to stop giving yourself the drug of attention from him.
On the other side of things, you need to learn to give YOURSELF the validation you are currently seeking from him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you everyone! I think the no contact no matter what and take it 24 hours at a time is what I will shoot for. He has already gone no contact for the most part. Occasionally he will call and tell at me and tell me how awful I am, etc. our power is out. My phone is almost dead (which what I use to view the forum) I know I need to keep reminding myself of all of the abuse and everything he did to me day and day out. Amy as always, you are spot on with what my stbxah does. I know this is the lesson I'm supposed to learn. How to be self sufficient. I guess I always had my stbxah in my life and in my heart. Knowing at 8 that if everything in the world went bad there was someone that would always love me was huge! And that is what I had with stbxah, until we got married. And then overnight it changed. Thank you all for your input and advice and I am far enough in my healing now to know to listen to you all and to follow all of your sage words of wisdom! Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
You will get an automatic detox if you learn how to enjoy your life without him (and seriously, did you enjoy it with him around and his abuse?). There is so much out there! You do not need his poison, life is way too short to waste it on rattlesnakes. You are a beautiful, warm person. So what can you do for yourself tomorrow after a good night's sleep?
I keep thinking about my soon to be independence, and although the atmosphere here is generally yucky, I'm glowing inside. Daydreaming how I'm gonna decorate my little den. And no more of his nagging, the house is like this, the house is like that, your darn dog, effing birds, your chilly suck, effin b***ch, you wanna cheat on me. How can anyone miss that????
I so envy singles . . .
I keep thinking about my soon to be independence, and although the atmosphere here is generally yucky, I'm glowing inside. Daydreaming how I'm gonna decorate my little den. And no more of his nagging, the house is like this, the house is like that, your darn dog, effing birds, your chilly suck, effin b***ch, you wanna cheat on me. How can anyone miss that????
I so envy singles . . .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
searching, just know that we are all with you every step you take, no matter which way it goes, and everyday, we are here for you
I think you are so brave to talk on this forum about how you are feeling even though you left him many months ago. What you are talking about is what I still felt even 3 years after my divorce. I was too embarrassed to talk about that. I thank you for being so open about this.
I guess in a sad way people say go no contact. It's like we were the ones walking around with the cell phone all the time, and if it rang, we needed to know what was going on. So we say, no contact is going good, they aren't calling.
So when do "we" take control of our own lives?
I remember many times, (I had a runner), after about 10 days I would finally take a shower, get dressed really nice, not the stuff he wanted me to wear, did I ever say on here that the presents he bought for me were mens clothing, XL, sweat pants, and tops. I would put on a skirt and a nice blouse and be ready to just go to Walmart's and he would show up. Guess I stopped calling for a day or so to see where he was and what he was doing, and getting the voicemail, or the phone was shut off.
So maybe got lost here for awhile, thinking about what I went thru. So you try to stay no contact, then you get the you are not worth anything phone call.
I got those also.
I need to say something here, and it is embarrasing. I left my H because I thought that if I did, that he would change because he loved me. I did this even after having stage 3b cancer, where he was nice to me for one year, then turned on me again, and told me he was only nice to me because that is what people expected of him.
I know the love you can feel from them, sometimes, it is not love. Its more adoration, or just a feeling of being happy with you. When things go wrong then, you are to blame for everything, because in their mind, you are supposed to provide them with happiness. Sorry if I am getting weird here or talking weird here. It was the life I lived, and many others live.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
I think you are so brave to talk on this forum about how you are feeling even though you left him many months ago. What you are talking about is what I still felt even 3 years after my divorce. I was too embarrassed to talk about that. I thank you for being so open about this.
I guess in a sad way people say go no contact. It's like we were the ones walking around with the cell phone all the time, and if it rang, we needed to know what was going on. So we say, no contact is going good, they aren't calling.
So when do "we" take control of our own lives?
I remember many times, (I had a runner), after about 10 days I would finally take a shower, get dressed really nice, not the stuff he wanted me to wear, did I ever say on here that the presents he bought for me were mens clothing, XL, sweat pants, and tops. I would put on a skirt and a nice blouse and be ready to just go to Walmart's and he would show up. Guess I stopped calling for a day or so to see where he was and what he was doing, and getting the voicemail, or the phone was shut off.
So maybe got lost here for awhile, thinking about what I went thru. So you try to stay no contact, then you get the you are not worth anything phone call.
I got those also.
I need to say something here, and it is embarrasing. I left my H because I thought that if I did, that he would change because he loved me. I did this even after having stage 3b cancer, where he was nice to me for one year, then turned on me again, and told me he was only nice to me because that is what people expected of him.
I know the love you can feel from them, sometimes, it is not love. Its more adoration, or just a feeling of being happy with you. When things go wrong then, you are to blame for everything, because in their mind, you are supposed to provide them with happiness. Sorry if I am getting weird here or talking weird here. It was the life I lived, and many others live.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
And to add on to Healthyagain, I bought my own house, it was a foreclosure, needed a lot of work. Here now for 4 years. I can actually put pictures on my walls, It's all mine. There is no one here telling me how to live my life, what tv shows are ok, what time I should go to bed, what time I should get up, don't have to put up with his farting, before saying you want to make love?
Another thing I found out from all of this, was that I isolated myself. I was even afraid to post on forums. I was totally alone. You aren't, you took that step, and I am so proud of you for that.
(((((((((((((((hugs again)))))))))))))))))
amy
Another thing I found out from all of this, was that I isolated myself. I was even afraid to post on forums. I was totally alone. You aren't, you took that step, and I am so proud of you for that.
(((((((((((((((hugs again)))))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
oh, and one other thing. I can empathize with you, and I can talk to you about abuse and what not, but the people here can help you much more then I. I did live what you are going thru, but to get out of it, listen to the people here.
No matter what you do decide to do, I will be with you. OK?? You're family.
amy
No matter what you do decide to do, I will be with you. OK?? You're family.
amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by LadyinBC
Actually I truly believe that there should be more resources and programs for the family. There is not enough support for the family as it is usually the addicted one that gets all the attention.
While in daytox it was great for me as lots of classes for me in regards to how to deal with my addiction.
They had something for the family, however, it was more of an information session on what your addicted family member was going thru.
I find that a lot of time the family members are left hanging or have to figure out stuff on their own. Don't know why these recovery places can't have something going for the family members too as they need to recover also.
While in daytox it was great for me as lots of classes for me in regards to how to deal with my addiction.
They had something for the family, however, it was more of an information session on what your addicted family member was going thru.
I find that a lot of time the family members are left hanging or have to figure out stuff on their own. Don't know why these recovery places can't have something going for the family members too as they need to recover also.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by searching peace
Need a detox program for codependency and being addicted to my stbxah. I am having such a difficult time with this. He hates me right now. Before he was being nice and I guess that was a lie. But him spewing his hate at me every chance he gets is difficult. And I can't stop thinking about him no matter where I am, what I'm doing. I can't even turn on the radio or TV hardly. I just break down. I know I don't miss his abuse. But I miss the him that I loved. I miss the him that liked me. I am just sad and alone. He was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning and the last one at night. Last night I sent him this really long emotional text and opened up my heart and he called and was just as hateful if not more. Telling me that I am a mistake and him marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. I was a good wife to him. He even told me that a priest told him to leave our marriage.
Do any of you have any helpful hints? It's like I know I should put up walls and do whatever I can to not think about him. But I stupidly still love him or think that I love him. I have loved him since we were 8, is it going to take me that many years to get over this hurt and rejection and him hating me so much?
Do any of you have any helpful hints? It's like I know I should put up walls and do whatever I can to not think about him. But I stupidly still love him or think that I love him. I have loved him since we were 8, is it going to take me that many years to get over this hurt and rejection and him hating me so much?
When I got angry. That helped.
Also I notice when I have no contact with him I calm down.
For me it's about working out ways I can change my emotional state from pain to something more positive. I often think about 'what would I like to do now that would make ME happy?"
Sometimes I know and sometimes I don't.
It's a loss for sure.
I doubt very much he actually hates you (sounds more like the disease talking) however that doesn't make it less painful.
Sending hugs and maybe think about what can you do today that will bring you a little pleasure or make you feel something positive?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Codies are always searching for validation. Abusers won't validate rather they criticize and chip away looking for problems and trying to expose fault. Im sorry you continue to get hurt by him I think his response to you was textbook.
Keep in mind that if you contact him that you are giving him an opportunity to kick you in the balls. Why give him that opportunity?
No contact. Whenever you feel like contacting him ESPECIALLY if its regarding your feeling or how hurt you have been think about the door you are opening.
Keep in mind that if you contact him that you are giving him an opportunity to kick you in the balls. Why give him that opportunity?
No contact. Whenever you feel like contacting him ESPECIALLY if its regarding your feeling or how hurt you have been think about the door you are opening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I cobbled my program from the following:
1. Al Anon 12 steps (found my sponsor at step 4)
2. Counseling
3. Melody Beattie's' Codependent No More & The Language of Letting Go.
4. Some Al Anon meetings
5. SR
6. Meditation, Exercise, Personal Goals
7. Antidepressants for a time for depression too.
1. Al Anon 12 steps (found my sponsor at step 4)
2. Counseling
3. Melody Beattie's' Codependent No More & The Language of Letting Go.
4. Some Al Anon meetings
5. SR
6. Meditation, Exercise, Personal Goals
7. Antidepressants for a time for depression too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 10
hey there...
I'm new here and reading these post made me cry...because I feel like for the first time someone gets it and its not just me. I've been feeling so list and alone and friends and family can't understand why I miss and love my excon, alcoholic, drug using, name calling, yelling, verbally abusive love of my life. But I do. I'm still so in love with him and he is on my mind 24/7. Why? My heart goes out to you because I know your pain. The advice here is priceless...and it helps to know I'm not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Southern gal
Posts: 229
I am so sorry . I don't know the answer to that. It hurts like nothing I have ever felt before.. I have no idea how it happens, how we get caught up in it and before you know it, you are so lost in it. I was married for 23 years and have a great family life, I was president of our PTA, perfect life with the husband that had a great job and 2 beautiful kids. My hubby and I split amicably. then the a A entered my life after not seeing him for 20 yrs, we were high school sweethearts. and before i knew it, I was in this "relationship" with a man that had no job, no place to live, not paying his child support, can't drive, been to jail at least 5 times since I dated him. It was a disaster, and I wasn't the one that ended things, he did, I wasn't strong enough. I have had no contact with him now almost 2 weeks, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. The pain and the hurt and the anger... all of it eats at you. Listen to the people on here, they are great. and I agree with what others said, anger really helped me move on. I realized I deserved better. I read, write and I go for long walks with my dog.. Anything to free my mind from any negative thinking. HUGS hon
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