It's a wrap....slammed the door.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
It's a wrap....slammed the door.
Hello all, hope you are all having a good day.
This morning I told the xabf that I'm done, done, done. I've been done for a couple of months, but he just didn't take me seriously/believe it/in denial/whatever...
I haven't spoken to him or seen him since the first week in January, I have been very clear for a long while about having NOTHING to do with him when he is drinking. The odd communication has been by email, he is blocked on my phone.
There were some loose ends that needed to be tied off, all initiated by me extricating myself from him. He has been passive and has always said he doesn't want to end it, he loves me, he needs me, yada yada. Yesterday, same thing.
This all started the first week of January, I have always had hard boundaries, and had done some hard core detaching while being supportive of him seeking sobriety. He didn't like it, and declared on the 4th of Jan that I am controlling, nagging, I have to accept who he is and anyway what is the problem with him drinking.
So while pronouncing the whole love you, need you, there is no one else, I don't want to lose you thing, he steps up a gear with his drinking (if it's possible to drink more than every day to the point of passing out). He stops communicating and basically disappears.
I don't get the whole not taking seriously my ending it. We are in our 50's, not kids. I get it from the point of denial, wanting to be left to drink himself into an early grave etc... But what is it with the cruelty of not letting go.
Anyway, I've had it, had it a while back, just bemused by how dishonest and cowardly he is.
Anyone got any thoughts?
This morning I told the xabf that I'm done, done, done. I've been done for a couple of months, but he just didn't take me seriously/believe it/in denial/whatever...
I haven't spoken to him or seen him since the first week in January, I have been very clear for a long while about having NOTHING to do with him when he is drinking. The odd communication has been by email, he is blocked on my phone.
There were some loose ends that needed to be tied off, all initiated by me extricating myself from him. He has been passive and has always said he doesn't want to end it, he loves me, he needs me, yada yada. Yesterday, same thing.
This all started the first week of January, I have always had hard boundaries, and had done some hard core detaching while being supportive of him seeking sobriety. He didn't like it, and declared on the 4th of Jan that I am controlling, nagging, I have to accept who he is and anyway what is the problem with him drinking.
So while pronouncing the whole love you, need you, there is no one else, I don't want to lose you thing, he steps up a gear with his drinking (if it's possible to drink more than every day to the point of passing out). He stops communicating and basically disappears.
I don't get the whole not taking seriously my ending it. We are in our 50's, not kids. I get it from the point of denial, wanting to be left to drink himself into an early grave etc... But what is it with the cruelty of not letting go.
Anyway, I've had it, had it a while back, just bemused by how dishonest and cowardly he is.
Anyone got any thoughts?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Oh well . . . they do have this distorted idea of love I guess. And when you stop dancing to their tune, they still keep playing it.
One of the best sayings I read on here: "Not your monkey, not your circus."
Enjoy your weekend! Good thing about written messages is that you do not have to read them.
One of the best sayings I read on here: "Not your monkey, not your circus."
Enjoy your weekend! Good thing about written messages is that you do not have to read them.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 36
Yes I have blocked him.
You know what they say about leopards and spots...I wasted 3 years...but at least I will get, feel, be better. The leopard and his unchanging spots has only one way to go and that is down. Not sure after 30 years of drinking, he has a bottom.
You know what they say about leopards and spots...I wasted 3 years...but at least I will get, feel, be better. The leopard and his unchanging spots has only one way to go and that is down. Not sure after 30 years of drinking, he has a bottom.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Sunsun 
Yes I have blocked him. You know what they say about leopards and spots...I wasted 3 years...but at least I will get, feel, be better. The leopard and his unchanging spots has only one way to go and that is down. Not sure after 30 years of drinking, he has a bottom.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by searching peace
I am 50 and my STBXAH is about to be 51. He has been drinking since he was 13. And he is no where near hitting his bottom. He is completely in denial and isn't trying to stop. He has had to go work imposed two out patient rehabs and one inpatient rehab. Nothing has changed his thinking. He was arrested almost a year ago on DV and had to move out of our family home and live at his hunting camp and still no change. He is drinking to escape and I think deep down wants it to kill him. You are very strong! Keep up the good work and be glad you were not married to him and would have more to untangle.
He had a good thing, probably his last chance at recovery, (he is 53) I am soooo much better than the arid existence we had. His loss...me, I see it as investing 3 years in the study of the odd behaviour of a truly sick man. Learnt lots, and also the realisation that I have everything to look forward to.
Don't get me wrong...I loved the man, I am truly sad, I have been very hurt, my kids have been hurt too (unforgivable). Enough is enough.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Your strength is inspirational. I am sure your children are so appreciative for you and for your consistency in their lives.
There are days that I think I love my STBXAH. But I then realize I do not love who he is now. The man he is now, is no one that I would ever want around me or my children and what I feel for his treatment of us is the furthest thing from love. But I have loved him since I was 8 on different levels through the years. The boy I grew up with and dated in college is no longer here. This monster that I don't recognize has invaded his body and mind.
There are days that I think I love my STBXAH. But I then realize I do not love who he is now. The man he is now, is no one that I would ever want around me or my children and what I feel for his treatment of us is the furthest thing from love. But I have loved him since I was 8 on different levels through the years. The boy I grew up with and dated in college is no longer here. This monster that I don't recognize has invaded his body and mind.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Searching peace, it's my kids that make me look deep into my behaviour and choices. I chose the wrong men - my ex H of 20 years is a raving narcissist , I then fell into the clutches of a psychopath and now an alcoholic. I've learnt my lesson. I don't want my kids to learn from my bad choices. I've been a single mum for 11 years and I've kept the strife away from to a certain degree. They are my responsibility, not a grown man who is like a toddler having a life long tantrum!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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just bemused by how dishonest and cowardly he is.
Sunsun, You have a very clear understanding of who he is.
You will be emotional uncomfortable for a bit, yes, it stings, and our emotions can get the best of us at times, but, No contact = no new hurt.
Happy, normal folks, stay focused on living their own lives, they don't dwell on the past, wondering what yesterday is doing.
Not only will it get easier in time, it starts to feel right.
Peace.
Sunsun, You have a very clear understanding of who he is.
You will be emotional uncomfortable for a bit, yes, it stings, and our emotions can get the best of us at times, but, No contact = no new hurt.
Happy, normal folks, stay focused on living their own lives, they don't dwell on the past, wondering what yesterday is doing.
Not only will it get easier in time, it starts to feel right.
Peace.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by marie1960
[B] You have a very clear understanding of who he is.
You will be emotional uncomfortable for a bit, yes, it stings, and our emotions can get the best of us at times,
You will be emotional uncomfortable for a bit, yes, it stings, and our emotions can get the best of us at times,
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