DaddyWolf

Hi Everyone,

I have never been a prolific poster on this forum... so you may not know my story.

I was in a marriage of nearly 20 years. The last ten my ex-wife chose booze over me, chose booze over her sons. My sons and I left her (best thing we have ever done.) We have slowly been moving forward. I launched one son off to college and the other is doing tremendously better in high school. Both are making great friends and enjoying life (more.)

I too have become more social.... I met a woman, and have been seeing her nearly one year. The two of us are so tremendously in love!!! And we get along fantastic...going to the grocery store feels like a date! We love the same music, discuss everything together, laugh and giggle all the time, cook together, do dishes together, solve problems together rather than blame someone... I have NEVER met anyone like her....

Yeah, you know whats coming...

I discovered in the past three months, she has a drinking problem. (Hence the subject line of this post.) FUG!
Help!

Duckygirl1

Oh, dude. I am so sorry. She hid this for 9 months? How do they do that?! It's the most uncanny skill in the world. I've compared them to assimilated aliens. This is the kind of thing I mean! So, what do you plan to do? Have you talked to her it? You've lived the life, you know this forum, you've seen this dragon up close and personal. You know what your in for. Next step is. . .?

DaddyWolf

Yes, I have talked with my girlfriend.... First about my ex-alcoholic wife and the ugly world I have departed. Secondly, I confronted her about her drinking. She said she would not drink anymore....

You are right about the dragon up close... and I cannot revisit that beast.

My sons and I are tentative, a little frail but getting better all the time. (We talk a lot.) I cannot re-expose them or me to such things.

However, when I am with her I feel so right! Everything is more vibrant and exciting! I wake up every morning chanting, "I love her soo much!" (Yes I am corny.)

I just know this is going to hurt! Really bad!!

Duckygirl1

Sometimes after years of torment in the dessert, such an oasis can be "addictive" to us. I'm so glad you won't put you or your boys through that torment again. Sometimes we just have to love people from a distance. Have you set any firm boundaries with her that she knows her out of control behavior will result in consequences or is this just a spit shake on her part. Does she know how very serious you are about never living with the dragon?

DaddyWolf

She knows I am of two minds right now:
1) With a very broken heart, end our relationship. And quite civilly say goodbye to each other.
2) Let her know that I will never be a part of her drinking. Ever. The consequences would be: she drinks I leave unequivocally. She would have another chance, but if she drinks... I leave with no goodbye. Not sure I want to be doubt-filled and maybe even vigilant.

I will not be contacting her until I decide on one of these two scenarios.

During this time, she is to be coming up with a solution.

Thank you for all your words! You are most absolutely helping me keep focus!

.

FeelingGreat

Daddy, what a huge shock to find out nine months in. I really feel for you.

You're right to put your boys first though, and yourself. To have that happen a second time is unthinkable.

A lot depends on how far in she is. Some people give up drinking with relative ease and never look back. Hope this happens for her, but at least you know where you stand.

searching peace

Daddy wolf, what a nightmare! I'm so sorry for your situation. I think this is all of our greatest fears. I have to ask more for my fear but have you done any recovery work for codependency? After I divorced my first husband not an A but abusive in a certain degree, a therapist told me if I didn't work in myself and fix what needed fixing that I would wind up with the same present in a different wrapping. And I did but worse. Now I am going through a divorce with a very abusive A. It is only been through this forum that I realized about my codependency and am working to become heathy myself so I don't end up with another of the same. So that is why I was wondering if you have done any work on your own recovery?

CarmenLove

Hey Daddywolf,

I'm sorry for your shock.

Good job on protecting your sons.

What about yourself - Are you going to Al Anon meetings? What are you doing about your recovery?

LexieCat

You weren't very specific about what kind of "drinking problem" you believe she has. What pattern have you observed?

DaddyWolf

Wow! I sort of forgot about taking care of me. And thinking about my future.... and moving beyond this.

This has been so devastating... I have just been in guard mode.... setting boundaries. ...

I am linking back up with my Al anon group. Also time to talk to a counselor again.

Silly that I lost sight of such things...
Thank you everyone! Most sincerely!

freetosmile

I too, am wondering what type of drinking problem you think she has? Is there a chance that you may be over reacting to her drinking because of your previous experiences?

CodeJob

You are not alone in being attracted to a problem type.

I think if you look at your relationships, you will see a pattern. I know I did. This is also well described in Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

Good luck.

DaddyWolf

I don’t think I have been overly sensitive to drinking…

Many of our dates and times shared, we have had wine or cocktails.* A few times we got tipsy… because that’s just the way the party, date or event just happened to progress.* I even discussed with her that I was relieved she would drink in front of me and not be tentative. (Because l had explained my AEW.)

However, around Christmas, if my girlfriend would have a single drink… then she was ALL in.. and would get drunk. Never just a single drink (or even two or three.) Ever since,*her drinking behavior has remained this way.* *Approximately 6 weeks ago I walked into a room (not the kitchen or dining room where we were preparing a meal) and she was guardedly filling a glass of wine.* There wasn't an invitation to share a glass...

I confronted her the next day… that's when she said she would curb her behavior.* Since that time, at least once a week, when I visit her after work (about*6 pm) she is drunk... but with no bottle in site.
Three days ago I stopped by... she was crying drunk. I confronted her the next day.... she guiltily admitted she has been doing exactly what I explained above... getting drunk at least 2 times per week. .. middle of the day...

I will certainly check out, " Codependent no more"... I hear only good things.

LexieCat

OK, now we have a clearer picture. Here's what I'd suggest. Have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her that unless she is COMPLETELY truthful with you, you are gone. You are also gone if you find out later that she lied in this particular conversation (you could offer amnesty for any previous untruths related to her drinking). Tell her you're making no promises, but if you are even to consider staying with her you need to know certain things.

I think what you want to know is: How long has this been a problem? Was she trying to hold back at first, but then relaxed as you became more committed to each other? Has she ever sought treatment (professional or AA or some other self-help program)? What happened then? Does she see her drinking now as a problem, or not? If not, why not? If so, does she want to stop? Is she WILLING to stop? How bad does she want to stop? Does she have reasons for wanting to stop other than maintaining the relationship with you? If so, what are they?

I think a conversation like that might help you to gauge whether she is trying to snow you. Based on what she says, you might have a better idea whether she has a shot at success if she makes a sincere effort.

Of course, it may be you don't want to stick around to see if she makes that sincere effort. In that case, you might tell her that you honestly hope she will decide to stop for her own sake, but that you really are not up for a relationship involving someone with a serious drinking problem. You might or might not tell her to look you up if she is sober for a full year. Up to you.

I wouldn't blame you in the least if you walked away right now. OTOH, if you feel cautiously optimistic after a talk like this, maybe you want to see what she does.

freetosmile

Oh ok, I understand now. Yes, this is a serious problem and although I don't have any advice to offer, I can say that you are in the right place. This forum has helped me so very much. Everyone here is great and I encourage you to come back.

So sorry you are reliving this... You sound like a wonderful father and your sons are lucky to have you

DaddyWolf

Thank you ALL so much!
Lexie, you are right, those are the questions I need to ask her.

I am not optimistic.