PixieGirl

Hi all, I left my xah over 3 years ago now and got a lot of strength from the SR community. I have dated in that time quite a bit but never got serious about anyone, until now. I've met this fantastic guy and we've been together about 3-4 months now. He treats me amazingly well and respects me like xah never did. I'm not sure if this is my issue with baggage from being with xah but I get nervous whenever new guy drinks. He doesn't seem to have the same habits like my ex who just drank whatever he could to get drunk. New guy enjoys craft beers and will slowly drink one over a whole evening. I think that's normal but I just don't know (I don't drink) Occasionally he'll go out to a bar and drink a fair bit with friends. Is this normal?? I just don't know and I'm panicking internally. I want to discuss this with new guy but I don't know where to begin? I told him my ex was an alcoholic but that's all I've really said. If anyone has any experience with struggling to date with old issues I'd love to hear about it!

LexieCat

I'd say if he sips one craft beer over the course of an evening, and goes out with his buddies once in a while and drinks a "fair bit" then he most likely has zero problem with alcohol. The only concern would be if his personality changes drastically after he's had a "fair bit". If not, if he's just a little more outgoing or demonstrative or something, I'd say he has a perfectly normal relationship with alcohol and that there's no need for you to fear his drinking.

That doesn't make the fact that you HAVE the fear OK, though. If you can't get past those feelings you might want to talk with a therapist. If he's really "fantastic" and treats you well, you don't want your old tapes to be holding you back.

MIRecovery

I do not understand the concept of sipping a beer over the course of an evening but I am an alcoholic.

I think you are likely fine

PixieGirl

Breathing a sigh of relief over here! He just acts happy when he's had a fair bit to drink. He is always kind and respectful to me and everyone else.
I think it really is my own past haunting me that I need to figure out how to get closure on.
And everything else with him is amazing, I find myself thinking 'do I deserve a guy to treat me so well?' and then I realize I still have a ways to go on working on myself. Logically I know I deserve to be treated well but old habits die hard.
I have a great (expensive) therapist and no coverage at the moment but obviously I need to go back. It's so engrained in me to get on edge about my SO drinking alcohol, waiting for the worst to happen.
Any advice on how to talk to new guy about this or should I? I don't want him to be worried that I'm going to freak whenever he has a beer but we are being so open and honest with each other that I want to let him know what's going on in my head. Thanks!

LexieCat

I'd reassure him that you don't for a second believe he has any problem with alcohol, but that because of the issue in your past relationship sometimes it makes you feel (jumpy, nervous, however you can describe it). I'd tell him you are working on getting past those feelings and that HE doesn't need to change a thing. I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it, but if you feel it affects how you behave, then he deserves an explanation, I think.

firebolt

He sounds like he drinks like me. 1 or 2 beers or wine or drinks once a week. Once every couple or few months, I "tear it up " with friends by having 4 or 5 over 6 hours. I get Irish jig happy buzzed and rosey cheeked, and feel like death the next morning for my efforts. But it is always fun, safe (no driving!), and not sad or angry. I think that's fairly normal, but I also have a hard time telling what normal is anymore....thanks to ABF. I think he sounds just fine.

PixieGirl

I talked to new guy last night and it went really well I didn't cry! He said he understood why I might feel the way I do about drinking due to my past experiences with xah. He said he wondered if he should feel guilty and I assured him that it's my issue that I'm going to deal with. He said I could talk to him about it if I wanted to. That being said, he promised that him tearing it up is and will always be a rare occasion. He also said he's really happy that I don't drink :-) I don't know how I got so lucky to meet such a great guy. In the depths of despair a few short years ago I would've never imagined myself this happy and finding someone so compatible.

lizatola

Pixiegirl, I'm very happy that you found someone who makes you happy. I went out with a new guy the other night and he had 2 margaritas and I have to admit that I didn't give it a thought. I had a glass of wine myself, but I didn't feel that fear watching him drink like I used to when I was with the XAH. You will work though it and being honest with your new man is the best policy.

So glad to hear you are moving on and finding happiness!

searching peace

Pixiegirl,
That is wonderful news!!! I'm so happy for you that you have someone who is treating you the way you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Have fun and enjoy!! You have been through so much, it is great things have turned around for you!

LadyinBC

I really am so happy for you! You so deserve to be happy and have someone respect you so much .