Letter to my addict husband
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
Letter to my addict husband
As i've said before, i left my husband 8 months ago. hardest thing ive ever done for me and my daughter. he sent a letter that i received yesterday (he's inpatient across the country for 90 days) basically stating that he was sorry, but knows that when he comes home, he's ready to make it better and i WILL be there to let him fix it. --- well no i wont.
heres my letter back. it was therapy in itself. i hope this helps someone else who is going through something similiar.
here goes....
I got your letter. I don’t think you’re getting it or the denial is just so big you can’t break through it. This will be the only time I address our relationship --- from here on out, you are simply A's father. I am counting down the days until I no longer have your last name.
We are coming up on 8 months of me leaving & I am finally getting to a place where life doesn’t feel so chaotic and out of sorts for Addison and I. Leaving you, your special brand of crazy & your selfish, irresponsible, twisted ways was the best thing I ever did for her and I.
In a way, I understand it. You’re sick. But I will say that addiction is the only disease that turns someone into a horrible person. I will not allow the person you have become to be my partner in life or a father to the child that I love more than life itself. Watching the train wreck that you have made your life is unbearable for the people around you who once cared and used to have faith that you would tap the brakes. You left all of us to worry and pick up the pieces. We are STILL back here picking up the pieces. Hearing “I’m sorry” or “thank you” does nothing – you are right. So no, I don’t need your thank you. My daughter growing up to be a kind, sweet, hilarious, smart little person is all the thank you I need. You think you have an idea what “single” parenting is like – it is hard work but it is also all of the reward.
I will always, always hate you for the heartbreak and confusion you have caused the little person I love the most. There is nothing like rubbing a 4 year old’s back at bedtime while she asks if her dad is dead or if he still loves her. We cried together, a lot. She watches kids with their dads getting ice cream or at the park or picking up from daycare & you can see the wheels spinning. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done to watch her hurt. A has come leaps and bounds from when we first walked out, but there will always be a hole in her life where you should’ve been. When you get back, I do not intend on allowing a close relationship until you are very well established in your recovery. You are unpredictable and cannot be trusted & you will not walk into her life until you are on your own two feet and stable. I was being lied to about your state of mind and your sobriety when she was in your care. I want full physical and legal custody and there is no question why. You told me on the phone that if I didn’t want to take care of A, I shouldn’t have been a mother.
I won’t stoop to your level but I will say – I am the only reason her world is still spinning and I will never, ever stop doing whatever I can to make sure she does not turn out like you. If the situation was reversed & I had done the things you’ve done, the guilt of her being so sad would eat me alive. I would be so grateful that she was well taken care of. I would be so thankful that she had stability & love. My family has stepped up to the plate in every way & I won’t ever be able to repay them. A actually asked my dad if he could be her dad since he was already “a good daddy to my mommy.” My dad and I both had to try not to cry. To say it has been hard is an understatement. I sit up at night and hope that I’m doing it right. You put me in a completely unfair situation – from the moment you picked drugs over your family.
Regardless of your perception, you CANNOT and WERE NOT the dad you should’ve been while under the influence. You put her in danger and you will not, ever, again.
Emotionally and financially you have ripped her off. Emotionally and financially you ripped me off for years. Divorce will be closing the door to a completely empty room. You gave me nothing, you left me nothing, and you have nothing. That’s what addiction does.
So many moments where I thought you’d be so shaken by what had happened that you would turn it all around. It never happened. That’s why it’s a disease because no sane person who would make the decisions that you’ve made.
I don’t want to believe that anyone could be so cold, manipulative or untrustworthy. I hope it was the drugs, but they have become such a part of who you are, I cannot tell the two apart anymore.
I regret wasting the time that I did after the first time you came back from rehab. I regret putting time and energy into hoping that you’d get well. I regret trying to follow-up on your lies and play the detective. I regret trying to find the person I married under all the ********. The amount of stress and absolute heartbreak I dealt with – constantly being let down, never having a “safe” zone with you or a best friend in you, single parenting long before I was officially a single parent – I regret sticking around for all of that.
I could not save you, but I can save her. That’s my job.
I wanted so badly for us to make it so A did not come from a “broken” home like we did. BUT - I have learned --- a home with your dysfunction and insanity is so much more broken than one in which I move on, meet someone worthy of a relationship with her and I and rebuild the life that we deserve. I like to think that karma is real & someone will be the partner I never got & the dad that you were too “tired” or “sick” to be. One day, A will be old enough to hear the stories, and understand the love of a mom for her child and know that the decisions I made all come back to her. Everything I do is for her. Everything you did, was for you. And about you. Always.
We used to joke that the only way I could detach was with hate instead of love.
I’m still not detaching with love. But not with hate either. I’m just detaching altogether. I no longer consume my days with how you are & if you’ll ever bottom out. It’s just not my concern anymore. It is a relief.
I suggested counseling only for us to be able to effectively co-parent considering how our last conversation turned into a yelling match – we need tools to be able to deal with each other. I do not want you to confuse that for me wanting to have a relationship with you personally. I want to raise a child that’s well-adjusted and has the love of both of her parents – but I have a clear boundary with you.
I feel bad for you. I do. It has to be a bad feeling that everyone around you has thrown up their hands and walked away but for us, it’s called surviving.
I hope that you are serious about getting better so that you can be a son for your parents, instead of a burden. I hope that you are serious about getting better so that one day you can be father to your children. I hope that you are serious about getting better so that one day I won’t get a phone call that you’re dead & have to try forever heal a little girl’s broken heart. I hope that you are serious about getting better because it impacts every person in your life when you are sick and unstable. I hope you are serious about getting better so all of this finally makes sense to you.
heres my letter back. it was therapy in itself. i hope this helps someone else who is going through something similiar.
here goes....
I got your letter. I don’t think you’re getting it or the denial is just so big you can’t break through it. This will be the only time I address our relationship --- from here on out, you are simply A's father. I am counting down the days until I no longer have your last name.
We are coming up on 8 months of me leaving & I am finally getting to a place where life doesn’t feel so chaotic and out of sorts for Addison and I. Leaving you, your special brand of crazy & your selfish, irresponsible, twisted ways was the best thing I ever did for her and I.
In a way, I understand it. You’re sick. But I will say that addiction is the only disease that turns someone into a horrible person. I will not allow the person you have become to be my partner in life or a father to the child that I love more than life itself. Watching the train wreck that you have made your life is unbearable for the people around you who once cared and used to have faith that you would tap the brakes. You left all of us to worry and pick up the pieces. We are STILL back here picking up the pieces. Hearing “I’m sorry” or “thank you” does nothing – you are right. So no, I don’t need your thank you. My daughter growing up to be a kind, sweet, hilarious, smart little person is all the thank you I need. You think you have an idea what “single” parenting is like – it is hard work but it is also all of the reward.
I will always, always hate you for the heartbreak and confusion you have caused the little person I love the most. There is nothing like rubbing a 4 year old’s back at bedtime while she asks if her dad is dead or if he still loves her. We cried together, a lot. She watches kids with their dads getting ice cream or at the park or picking up from daycare & you can see the wheels spinning. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done to watch her hurt. A has come leaps and bounds from when we first walked out, but there will always be a hole in her life where you should’ve been. When you get back, I do not intend on allowing a close relationship until you are very well established in your recovery. You are unpredictable and cannot be trusted & you will not walk into her life until you are on your own two feet and stable. I was being lied to about your state of mind and your sobriety when she was in your care. I want full physical and legal custody and there is no question why. You told me on the phone that if I didn’t want to take care of A, I shouldn’t have been a mother.
I won’t stoop to your level but I will say – I am the only reason her world is still spinning and I will never, ever stop doing whatever I can to make sure she does not turn out like you. If the situation was reversed & I had done the things you’ve done, the guilt of her being so sad would eat me alive. I would be so grateful that she was well taken care of. I would be so thankful that she had stability & love. My family has stepped up to the plate in every way & I won’t ever be able to repay them. A actually asked my dad if he could be her dad since he was already “a good daddy to my mommy.” My dad and I both had to try not to cry. To say it has been hard is an understatement. I sit up at night and hope that I’m doing it right. You put me in a completely unfair situation – from the moment you picked drugs over your family.
Regardless of your perception, you CANNOT and WERE NOT the dad you should’ve been while under the influence. You put her in danger and you will not, ever, again.
Emotionally and financially you have ripped her off. Emotionally and financially you ripped me off for years. Divorce will be closing the door to a completely empty room. You gave me nothing, you left me nothing, and you have nothing. That’s what addiction does.
So many moments where I thought you’d be so shaken by what had happened that you would turn it all around. It never happened. That’s why it’s a disease because no sane person who would make the decisions that you’ve made.
I don’t want to believe that anyone could be so cold, manipulative or untrustworthy. I hope it was the drugs, but they have become such a part of who you are, I cannot tell the two apart anymore.
I regret wasting the time that I did after the first time you came back from rehab. I regret putting time and energy into hoping that you’d get well. I regret trying to follow-up on your lies and play the detective. I regret trying to find the person I married under all the ********. The amount of stress and absolute heartbreak I dealt with – constantly being let down, never having a “safe” zone with you or a best friend in you, single parenting long before I was officially a single parent – I regret sticking around for all of that.
I could not save you, but I can save her. That’s my job.
I wanted so badly for us to make it so A did not come from a “broken” home like we did. BUT - I have learned --- a home with your dysfunction and insanity is so much more broken than one in which I move on, meet someone worthy of a relationship with her and I and rebuild the life that we deserve. I like to think that karma is real & someone will be the partner I never got & the dad that you were too “tired” or “sick” to be. One day, A will be old enough to hear the stories, and understand the love of a mom for her child and know that the decisions I made all come back to her. Everything I do is for her. Everything you did, was for you. And about you. Always.
We used to joke that the only way I could detach was with hate instead of love.
I’m still not detaching with love. But not with hate either. I’m just detaching altogether. I no longer consume my days with how you are & if you’ll ever bottom out. It’s just not my concern anymore. It is a relief.
I suggested counseling only for us to be able to effectively co-parent considering how our last conversation turned into a yelling match – we need tools to be able to deal with each other. I do not want you to confuse that for me wanting to have a relationship with you personally. I want to raise a child that’s well-adjusted and has the love of both of her parents – but I have a clear boundary with you.
I feel bad for you. I do. It has to be a bad feeling that everyone around you has thrown up their hands and walked away but for us, it’s called surviving.
I hope that you are serious about getting better so that you can be a son for your parents, instead of a burden. I hope that you are serious about getting better so that one day you can be father to your children. I hope that you are serious about getting better so that one day I won’t get a phone call that you’re dead & have to try forever heal a little girl’s broken heart. I hope that you are serious about getting better because it impacts every person in your life when you are sick and unstable. I hope you are serious about getting better so all of this finally makes sense to you.
that is so powerful. You should be very proud of your commitment to your daughter. You've got the right idea!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
she is the reason the world spins & the whole reason it didn't all crash
& burn when he came home & said he didnt want to be married anymore because i was too "involved" in his life, aka asking questions about money, work, why he didnt come home, etc
you know - annoying wife stuff.
i am grateful to have made it out on the other side but i still feel the fall out everyday & am kind of terrified for him to be back in the same state in June.
Thank you all!
& burn when he came home & said he didnt want to be married anymore because i was too "involved" in his life, aka asking questions about money, work, why he didnt come home, etc
you know - annoying wife stuff. i am grateful to have made it out on the other side but i still feel the fall out everyday & am kind of terrified for him to be back in the same state in June.
Thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 19
Thank you for sharing, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I have watched my wife fall apart almost the exact same way you describe your husband. The only positive in my situation is that we don't have any kids together. However, I USED to have step kids but my AW has made sure to destroy my cerdibilty with them. I wish you luck and stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
it has not been easy --- "time" may heal wounds but really i've fought to get out from underneath the heartache. and having a kid that's relying on you to do so, to counteract some of their own heartbreak, does make it easier but it also can be suffocating. He's off on a beach somewhere, "rehabilitating" (again), and sometimes it feels so unfair. i do not detach with love - i dont have it in me, but i would pick indifference over hate any day. it is tough - i still have a lot of bitter left and some days i dont know what to do with it all.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Well, it was the most awesome letter/post I've read yet on SR. You really told it like it is which so many are unable to do. It must feel empowering. Please share his response. I'm sure it will be another classic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
Haha, It will probably be all kinds of crazy but I will definitely follow up with the response glad to have this place as support. i read and read and feel better just because there's a whole group of people who know exactly where i'm coming from.
glad to have this place as support. i read and read and feel better just because there's a whole group of people who know exactly where i'm coming from.
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