RedDog735

When will I get over the fact that there is no good morning text? How about waking up in a panic, anxiety full string, and heart racing 130 beats per minute? When I stayed with him this past weekend, I saw that the good ol' tinder app (modern day prize way of meeting a good catch) was downloaded on his phone, and he even told his mom he was excited about going on a date with some woman with a doctorate. I know, I shouldn't have snooped but I needed to see the facts with my own eyes. I certainly wish I could move on that quickly.

I left a note before I left yesterday simply stating that I knew he was unhappy in our relationship and I never meant to keep him from doing the things he wanted to do. I also told him that I spent way too much time trying to fix him and worrying that I was good enough, that I forgot how to live and just love him. I ended the note with "wish you the happiness you so rightfully deserve."

Last night he texted me and thanked me for the letter. I kept it short and sweet. But now no good morning text? I know it's pathetic to expect it.. But he always used to say good morning. And I keep thinking about all of the women he's going on dates with, sleeping with, whatever.. After a weekend of doing the same thing. It sickens me. How can I look at the greater picture? Do I just keep reminding myself that no other woman would put up with him? How does one cope?

AddictGuy

Reddog,

It's a tough time for you. what you need to do is reconnect with yourself. right now you are lost in someone else. that only works when it is working. when that doesn't work anymore you must detach. life is a no reverse journey. one of the greatest skills any of us must learn is knowing when it's time to move on, collect the pieces of our lives and face forward and rebuild. One thing about life, the faces and the places always change over time. the one thing that remains is you. work on you. prepare for the rest of your life. suck up the pain and face forward

Thumper

Be gentle with yourself. Remember that the answers to the 'bigger picture' are found by looking inward. It does not really matter what he does or what other girls put up with. What matters is what you do and what you put up with. I coped by focusing on myself. I read the stickies at the top over and over, read a lot of al-anon literature (attended some meetings too), read some of the books recommended in the stickies, had a counselor for awhile, and SR. I followed my head until my feelings caught up.

SparkleKitty

One copes by taking care of oneself, one day at a time -- and if that is overwhelming, then an hour at a time will do.

I had to let go of the idea that the person who hurt me was the person who would heal me. Only I could do that.

LexieCat

Your note is a goodbye note, and I certainly wouldn't expect a "good morning" text.

I suggest that at this point you consider it over. Work on moving past it, healing yourself.

lillamy

Just like you couldn't save him, he can't save you. You have to find your own path, without him. And I agree with Lexie -- your note was a goodbye note. You're setting him free -- now realize that means YOU are free, too.

Duckygirl1

My heart breaks for you. I know that feeling too well. What the others have said is right. This will take time. If you are anything like I was, something in you is not really so concerned about the other women in general, it's a fear that one of them will be able to succeed where you failed. That he will meet a woman so incredible that he will delete the tinder, dump the booze because she is so worth it where you weren't and she will live her life with him loyal, sober and madly in love. The life you worked so hard for and could have had if you had only just . .fill in the blank. My dear, THAT IS A LIE.

His first and only love are booze and drugs. Those women on tinder the dr included are cannon fodder for his cravings. He will always search for the new high. His loyalty is to his urges and NONE of them no matter how bright, educated or beautiful will change that. Pity them. You know what they are in for. You are free and for one or more of them, God help her if she has no experience with addiction, the nightmare is going to begin. It may take a perfectly happy girl and destroy her self worth. Or worse, she will pick up his habits and another addict is born. You can't move on quickly because you are NORMAL, he moves on because he is NOT.

You have become use to the daily rituals like the good morning text. You must make new rituals for yourself that give you joy that doesn't depend solely on another person. I'm at the stage of doing that, though my picture is still incomplete. I've got pieces and parts, but haven't worked them together yet. In time you will find yourself again. The emotional ties are much harder to break than the physical ones, but it does happen. I think I've made more progress in the past week than I have in the past few months. Being able to come here and share and learn from others has been a huge part of it. Also, working a SMART Rcovery program that is based on CBT and helps with anxiety by retstruturinf how you think. It all starts in the head my dear. You are going to be fine, better than fine. You may have to fight for it, but go into the fight knowing that you can win!

atalose

I’m not sure if this was a goodbye note or you using guilt/manipulation to attempt to re-work this relationship. A sales pitch on mistakes you feel you made that maybe now you could correct. He thanked you for the note BUT his lack of a good morning text has you un-winding a bit, which leads me to think that the note was not meant as a goodbye note.

I think getting honesty with ourselves and our intentions is the only way towards true healing and the ability to move forward in life, love and happiness.

I used to never see “my tactics” as tools of guilt or manipulation YET there was always more to the things I used to do in the name of love.

RedDog735

This is just it. That is it. I worked SO hard for this relationship to work. I loved him like NO other and I thought he loved me the same. Sigh..I pray for HER, whoever she may be. But I also envy her. She COULD be the one. She could live her life with him sober, getting the best of him that I worked EVER so hard to get. She could get him when he is loyal. It's the COULD'S.
Though the pattern shows he will not thrive another relationship, there is still that possibility in my head. And d*** it, why couldn't I be that woman for him?

**This is all of my emotional feelings and thoughts that go through my head. Thinking rationally, he is incapable of loyalty, loving, and a normal relationship. He has feelings of resentment towards his father that he is not willing to fix. I want to move on to the new, healthier me. It's taking a while. And I keep making steps backwards but I am aiming for the right direction. I don't want to keep feeling so down and dependent on him to make me happy. It is in the power of me. Only I can do this- and I am TRYING my best to be on my way.

RedDog735

Oh, please. It certainly was manipulation for him to SEE our relationship and reflect upon it. Although he may be very incapable of doing so. I just wanted some ounce of effort. I wanted him to think of me. As sick as it sounds, I just want him to think of me...I want him to suffer through the same thoughts that I am. UGH. Do you hear the frustration in my voice?

SparkleKitty

I think we all totally understand your frustration. The question now is can you accept that he is not going to put in that "ounce of effort"? That he isn't going to think of you? I understand wanting him to suffer, but I am more concerned about your suffering. It doesn't feel good to want someone to feel bad, and in the long run it doesn't help you feel better.

It's easy to imagine that someone else will have the key to a successful relationship with him, but all it does is reinforce the idea that you are somehow a failure because this relationship did not work. I know that for many years I was just more comfortable when everything was my fault, when I was 'unlovable", when I made choices and picked relationships where I was always going to feel "not good enough." Comfortable, yes, but not healthy. I learned through experience that I wasn't going to die from being uncomfortable, and that I was going to have to TRY making healthier choices for myself, even if they didn't feel right. That meant focusing on me and my choices and intentions even when it felt better and easier to focus on others.

Sending you strength and courage to just make it through today. We'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.

RedDog735

The truth is, I need to get out in the world more. All I seem to do anymore is sit behind the computer, lay in bed, and worry about him when I am NOT working 40 hours a week. I need a hobby, a pastime. It's going to be rather difficult finding one that I enjoy since my habit hobby was him for all that time.
Hugs, thank you all. I hope you continue to help and show some support on my posts. I appreciate it more than you know! <3

SparkleKitty

A hobby sounds marvelous. When I was recovering from a particularly turbulent relationship that came on the heels of my first marriage breaking up, I wrote a novel! It was amazingly therapeutic. I also surrounded myself with a lot of great friends who loved me and wanted the best for me (even when I was not capable of loving myself or wanting the best for myself). Those things, in addition to therapy, really helped me move towards more loving behavior towards myself (again, even when I didn't feel like it).

I'm now in recovery from compulsive eating, and I've turned to developing more physical hobbies -- last Sunday I took my first belly dancing class. It was terrifying, awesomely fun, and extremely freeing!

knowthetriggers

^^This was me a few months ago. Living everyday in fear. Fear of the unknown.

I highly recommend to put that laptop or tablet away and find something you like to do that brings you joy. A walk or sitting outside in the fresh air, etc. Think about your passion, what do you really want to do that you put on the back burner - then just do it!

The greatest thing about recovery is focusing on YOU and doing the things you love. Things you stopped doing because of your situation.

This is a new day - a blank canvas - how will you paint it??

((Hugs)) , enjoy your new beginning

firebolt

Hobbies are great!

What did you love to do - before relationships. Sports? Reading? Building? Gardening? The list is endless, and there is a whole world full of new things to learn. A girlfriend of mine just learned Spanish at 38. Now I want to go back and relearn German. I hope you sign up for a softball team and build yourself a model airplane to fly around your neighborhood. You can do anything you want to do - figuring out what you want is the hard part, but with a little thought, you'll grab ahold of something in no time.

Oh, and wishing you could move on as fast is he is will just put you back in the same pattern that he is in. You can change yours for a healthier future. His is looking awfully familiar.

Thumper

Yes we certainly do lose ourselves there for awhile don't we? I did too. Getting out and doing things is a really good idea.

I decided I would garden. Something social would have been a little bit better but socializing doesn't really work into my life very well so I chose gardening - which I do love even though I suck at it,

Here is the thing I want to share....It all felt so 'flat' at first. It took a long time for the joy to really reach me. I think I even posted here about it. Keep at it and remember it takes time. It was a very good thing for me to do and I still do it today and it does bring joy to me.

Last year I took up exercising and eating right. I felt fantastic. I got derailed and it is sort of an 'issue' for me and I haven't started again but I add this part because exercise can do a ton for making the world seem a little brighter. If I had a gym option I'd join and take a class or something fun where I saw other people too

Florence

My counselor made a rope analogy, that sometimes we would tug on the rope to see if our significant others were still there. If they were, they'd tug back. Your note, it doesn't sound like it was an actual goodbye, you were just tugging on the rope confident your ex would still be there, and now that you've tugged and your ex isn't on the other end of the rope anymore, you're frustrated and disappointed.

You can keep tugging, keep trying to put that rope back in his hands, but you have an active alcoholic on the other end of it who has moved on. He's looking at Tinder, talking to his mom about other ladies, openly saying he wasn't happy in the relationship, and signaling other ways you're not on his list.

Meanwhile, you're not eating, driving hours to meet him, reading his texts, leaving notes, and otherwise acting in ways that are self-destructive and otherwise violating basic boundary expectations as someone who has already gone through a break-up with this other person. The relationship is over -- you have you do yourself some favors and resist the expectations that it's not over, in any way, shape or form.

You can choose to drop the rope and not participate in this exercise anymore. Find other things to do. What did you enjoy doing before this relationship? Have you ever spent significant time alone, with yourself, enjoying yourself before? I took up biking, dove back into fiber crafts, took on a second part-time job, and cleaned out my house. I spent almost two years alone, celibate, figuring out how to be happy regardless of what people around me think, and regardless of what they are doing.

Acceptance is the first step in Al-Anon. It's one of the hardest. Counseling and participating here helped me immensely, to understand how the source of my sadness and frustration was my inability to accept the reality I was living in, and longing for something else.

Frankly, your ex sounds like a jerk. There are way better guys out there who will actually be nice to you. You deserve more, and you can have it.

redatlanta

I left a note before I left yesterday simply stating that I knew he was unhappy in our relationship and I never meant to keep him from doing the things he wanted to do. I also told him that I spent way too much time trying to fix him and worrying that I was good enough, that I forgot how to live and just love him. I ended the note with "wish you the happiness you so rightfully deserve."

Atlalose hit the nail on the head. Hoping that you would manipulate him to respond the way you want him to. Not so much.

Stop being nice to this guy you know why? He ain't nice. "Wish you the happiness you rightfully deserve"? HUH? Come on.

You are NOT a doormat. What he deserves in life believe me he will get because we reap what we sew. What he doesn't deserve is your time, your thoughts, your presence, you caring, or your love.

Bye bye guy. Have a good time with Ms. Doctorate and then call your Mommy and report in so she can be so PROUD of her loser alcoholic cheating son.

Puh Lease.

daydreamer0217

you guys are so awesome I needed to read this too, sorry red. I know it hurts

CarmenLove

This is interesting to me. I am going to let this sink in a bit.