My heart is so heavy
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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My heart is so heavy
I just found out this morning that my XFIL passed away in his sleep on Friday. He was in his late 80's. He hadn't seen DS in 2 years; since after his son lost visitation rights. It wasn't a condition that I set, but once AXH stopped seeing DS, his family did, too.
XFIL was a sweet guy. He loved DS and DS adores him. His loss hurts me; I can't even imagine how DS is hurting. I told DS and held him and he asked to be alone. Please lend me strength and guidance to help DS through this.
XFIL was a sweet guy. He loved DS and DS adores him. His loss hurts me; I can't even imagine how DS is hurting. I told DS and held him and he asked to be alone. Please lend me strength and guidance to help DS through this.
My condolences to you and your son. Sending you strength and comfort.
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So, so sorry to hear about your FIL. I remember mine from my first marriage. I loved that man. He died, and his daughter, found out later about this, but tried to have him evicted, so she could get the apartment. I wish I could have been there for that sweet man.
I really am truly sorry for your loss.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
I really am truly sorry for your loss.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
amy
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Yesterday was so hard. DS spent all day in bed hugging Raven, the black lab stuffed animal that looks like his Grandpa's dog. He didn't eat anything at all. But he's doing better today, still sad, of course, but he ate lunch.
They're having the services this weekend. I only found out because of the obituary in the paper. I don't know if we should go... DS is 10. Maybe he should go. But I think he'd need me there. I'm not certain AXH's family would want me there. I think they blame me for not getting to see DS. The last time I exchanged words with XSIL was when she took DS and refused to bring him home.
Mom suggested I email XSIL or AXH to inquire about going and let them discuss... But she's assuming they'd be rational. Maybe they would.... But the only one who looks at his email is AXH, and I don't trust him with anything. (I went online to find the obit before I told DS.) So, that's not really going to work.
I'm kind of worried they'd throw a scene if I show up. And it shouldn't be about anything but XFIL. And I don't want to be in the same room as AXH. But DS should get a chance to celebrate his grandfather and say good bye.
My sister and her husband have offered to take him. Am I being selfish if I don't go?
They're having the services this weekend. I only found out because of the obituary in the paper. I don't know if we should go... DS is 10. Maybe he should go. But I think he'd need me there. I'm not certain AXH's family would want me there. I think they blame me for not getting to see DS. The last time I exchanged words with XSIL was when she took DS and refused to bring him home.
Mom suggested I email XSIL or AXH to inquire about going and let them discuss... But she's assuming they'd be rational. Maybe they would.... But the only one who looks at his email is AXH, and I don't trust him with anything. (I went online to find the obit before I told DS.) So, that's not really going to work.
I'm kind of worried they'd throw a scene if I show up. And it shouldn't be about anything but XFIL. And I don't want to be in the same room as AXH. But DS should get a chance to celebrate his grandfather and say good bye.
My sister and her husband have offered to take him. Am I being selfish if I don't go?
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I think having your sister take him is a great idea.
I also think sending flowers with a nice note would be a kind gesture to let them know they are in your thoughts. You can explain to your son that as much as you loved grandpa, you don't want to upset anyone who might wonder why you are there. He's getting old enough to understand that sometimes you have to think of others' feelings in deciding how best to act in a situation like this.
I also think sending flowers with a nice note would be a kind gesture to let them know they are in your thoughts. You can explain to your son that as much as you loved grandpa, you don't want to upset anyone who might wonder why you are there. He's getting old enough to understand that sometimes you have to think of others' feelings in deciding how best to act in a situation like this.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think having your sister take him is a great idea.
I also think sending flowers with a nice note would be a kind gesture to let them know they are in your thoughts. You can explain to your son that as much as you loved grandpa, you don't want to upset anyone who might wonder why you are there. He's getting old enough to understand that sometimes you have to think of others' feelings in deciding how best to act in a situation like this.
I also think sending flowers with a nice note would be a kind gesture to let them know they are in your thoughts. You can explain to your son that as much as you loved grandpa, you don't want to upset anyone who might wonder why you are there. He's getting old enough to understand that sometimes you have to think of others' feelings in deciding how best to act in a situation like this.
My FIL just passed away a week ago today. My son is 7 and he attended the services on Friday. My situation is a little different in that XAH and I have only been divorced for 2 months and I've remained close with them. I think being at the funeral helped my son to understand his Grandpa is gone. He drew a picture and wrote a note to leave in the casket and got to say his goodbye. I know it meant a lot to my MIL and XAH that he was there. Seeing the military honors, flag folding, etc. at the burial also made him really proud of Grandpa. I think he'll always remember that.
Again, my heartfelt condolences. Not an easy thing to go through at any age.
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I'm sorry. And I think having your sister take him is a very good idea. The last thing you want to do is upset the family at a funeral, and if you even think there's a remote chance your presence would upset them, send DS with your sister. You're a good egg, friend.
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So, I guess I'm here tonight just to kind of process the whole weekend. It was hard. Parts were lovely. Parts were so sad... It just was, I guess.
It ended up that we needed to go buy DS a new outfit. The suit he had was 3 sizes too small. I guess I'm not big on formalwear. DS still got upset about why I had to "ALWAYS be so fancy." He was more upset about the reason the outfit was needed rather than the outfit. I understand.
Once he got to vent a bit, the day out yesterday was nice. We met his aunt, my sister, for lunch. He got his first real tie from the 'big guy's' area, and a tie bar; both of which he picked out. He looked pretty darn sharp, if I may brag a bit.
The next bump was about having to wash his hair for the occasion. "Its just HAIR, Mom!! I washed it the other day. It doesn't matter!!!"
"Well, then kiddo," I sighed, "Let me cut it all off so it's like a soldier's." And off he stomped to the shower; I guess it does matter.
The service for his grandpa was today. As we were drying his hair and tying his tie, he needed a lot of hugs and asked again why I wasn't going. I explained again that I didn't want to upset any one who might not understand why I was there. It clicked for him that time: Oh, we only want to talk about how awesome Grandpa is, not that other stuff. Ok.
My sister and her husband took DS. Sis, BIL, and DS walked back and stopped for tea and pop at a cafe on the way back. When they dropped him off, DS said his dad looked different, taller. I looked over at my sister at that comment and from her expression, we probably have a bit to talk about without kids around.
DS and I went to dinner and he shared some stories that were shared about XFIL and laughed. (DS gets a healthy dose of mischievousness from both grandpas.) He said Aunt had to tell him to go hug his dad, but that he didn't recognize him at first, and repeated again that Dad's taller and he didn't recognize him. Oh, and he has a girlfriend who looks like Grandma (my mom). DS is also worried about his grandfather's dogs, because no one said who was taking care of them. I assured him that his dad probably has the dogs; they're OK. He said he got to see his Aunt H and Cousin K, but "Dad called her Aunt K, and Aunt had to correct him that it's COUSIN K, not aunt."
So, I'm trying really hard to not start future-tripping about custody-visitation issues now that there's another GF. *deep breath* I just have to remind myself that the court told him what he needed to do before he could have visitations back. Anything he tries before doing that won't go in his favor.
And truly, if she looks like my mom... Well, towards the latter part of our relationship, AXH did a lot of side-of-the-mouth racist comments about my mom's (and my) ethnicity. Doesn't bode too well for the GF... Though, I must admit I'm curious about the type of person who'd date am almost 50 yo man living with his dad, at his dad's house.... But then again, maybe he flipped it and was the devoted son who was taking care of his elderly father. IDK. I don't care; just curious. (Though, I'm starting to wonder if my inclination to want to run a background check any guy I might go out with more than once is entirely healthy... And since I'm hearing Miracle Max's wife from Princess Bride yelling "LIAR! Liiiiar" in my head as I write this, I know I'm still not ready to date yet.)
The stories DS shared about his Grandpa were great. I'm glad he's talking about him.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
It ended up that we needed to go buy DS a new outfit. The suit he had was 3 sizes too small. I guess I'm not big on formalwear. DS still got upset about why I had to "ALWAYS be so fancy." He was more upset about the reason the outfit was needed rather than the outfit. I understand.
Once he got to vent a bit, the day out yesterday was nice. We met his aunt, my sister, for lunch. He got his first real tie from the 'big guy's' area, and a tie bar; both of which he picked out. He looked pretty darn sharp, if I may brag a bit.
The next bump was about having to wash his hair for the occasion. "Its just HAIR, Mom!! I washed it the other day. It doesn't matter!!!"
"Well, then kiddo," I sighed, "Let me cut it all off so it's like a soldier's." And off he stomped to the shower; I guess it does matter.
The service for his grandpa was today. As we were drying his hair and tying his tie, he needed a lot of hugs and asked again why I wasn't going. I explained again that I didn't want to upset any one who might not understand why I was there. It clicked for him that time: Oh, we only want to talk about how awesome Grandpa is, not that other stuff. Ok.
My sister and her husband took DS. Sis, BIL, and DS walked back and stopped for tea and pop at a cafe on the way back. When they dropped him off, DS said his dad looked different, taller. I looked over at my sister at that comment and from her expression, we probably have a bit to talk about without kids around.
DS and I went to dinner and he shared some stories that were shared about XFIL and laughed. (DS gets a healthy dose of mischievousness from both grandpas.) He said Aunt had to tell him to go hug his dad, but that he didn't recognize him at first, and repeated again that Dad's taller and he didn't recognize him. Oh, and he has a girlfriend who looks like Grandma (my mom). DS is also worried about his grandfather's dogs, because no one said who was taking care of them. I assured him that his dad probably has the dogs; they're OK. He said he got to see his Aunt H and Cousin K, but "Dad called her Aunt K, and Aunt had to correct him that it's COUSIN K, not aunt."
So, I'm trying really hard to not start future-tripping about custody-visitation issues now that there's another GF. *deep breath* I just have to remind myself that the court told him what he needed to do before he could have visitations back. Anything he tries before doing that won't go in his favor.
And truly, if she looks like my mom... Well, towards the latter part of our relationship, AXH did a lot of side-of-the-mouth racist comments about my mom's (and my) ethnicity. Doesn't bode too well for the GF... Though, I must admit I'm curious about the type of person who'd date am almost 50 yo man living with his dad, at his dad's house.... But then again, maybe he flipped it and was the devoted son who was taking care of his elderly father. IDK. I don't care; just curious. (Though, I'm starting to wonder if my inclination to want to run a background check any guy I might go out with more than once is entirely healthy... And since I'm hearing Miracle Max's wife from Princess Bride yelling "LIAR! Liiiiar" in my head as I write this, I know I'm still not ready to date yet.)
The stories DS shared about his Grandpa were great. I'm glad he's talking about him.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
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