theuncertainty

I could use some tips, dear SR family. DS is struggling; I know it's still early. But he's not talking; it's like he wants hide the fact that his grandpa died. He was horrified when he found out the school office knew he was home for last week because he was sick and his Grandpa's death. "You _told_ them!!?! Why?"

His teacher saw the obit in the paper (fairly uncommon last name), and when he just sat in class for hours straight - just sat, no school work, no talking to friends, just sitting there - she pulled him aside and tried to talk to him. This is not like him. (I've actually gotten a couple notes from her that we need to help him find a balance between his talkativeness and inability to sit still and do school work.) She said he got embarrassed and said his dad's girlfriend got more sad than his dad did.

What's going on here? Is DS embarrassed that he feels so bad? Is he mad at his dad for not being sad about Grandpa? He complains about his tummy hurting, but is fine by the time we get home (not even 5 min. from school.) He's been super clingy and demanding. How do I help him work through this? He doesn't want to talk about it at all. Do I just give him time and keep giving him a lot of hugs and snuggles and tell his teacher to back off as long as he's not being rude or disrespectful...

DS is also really wanting one of those new seen-on-TV cloud pets (where you can send a voice message to and from a stuffed animal) so he can hear his dad's voice whenever he wants. So I guess it's more than just Grandpa.

I hate AXH. I just have to say it. Stupid, inconsiderate, don't-even-ask-how-DS-is-doing SOB. Again--still--leaving all the heavy lifting to me. Can't even pretend to act like a caring parent for something like this. Not a single word asking if DS needs anything. I really want to keep going, but the language is likely to devolve, and it won't change anything, so I'll stop.

How do I help DS?

FeelingGreat

Hi theuncertainty, I'm sorry it's hitting him so hard. As you've guessed, it's probably a combination of mourning for his GP, but also mixing with his father's family, and observing his father's behaviour in that situation.
This suggestion is not intended as a complete answer, but my own DS was never articulate, in fact he's told me that he almost loses the ability to talk when he's upset. He's also afraid of crying.
Over the years I've learned that the key to him being able to talk is to introduce a leading question, then just stay silent. You might say something like, 'you still seem pretty upset about the funeral' and you'll get a grunt in reply. The main thing is say nothing, don't fill the silence. If you do this, he might be confident enough to gradually confide. If he does, don't offer advice, or opinion, or comfort, just let him talk it out.
Hope it works.

CodeJob

Oh I am so sorry uncertainty for the loss and the grief of DS likely making him see other losses in his life. Hugs to you. I think addressing grief - perhaps to admitting you miss grandpa and talking about how sad you are might help him see that processing the sadness and how it comes and goes might help him? Brene Brown has some great pieces on parenting and vulnerability you may like.

The best times I get my son to talk is in the car and walking/running. In the car, I can focus on driving and not look at him. Quite often all of a sudden all kinds of news spills out. We also walk the dogs, walk to a library, and I walk/run so he often opens up during these times. Again these are moments I really can't be looking at him constantly as I am looking where I am going! I think he feels safer to open up when I am not trying to read every emotional nuance on his face...

I also recommend a male counselor if you can find one. I found a little gem when H was in rehab.

My son also has some school friends that I realized the DADS are really a source of support and information for him on what other adult men are like. At first it made me angry as it reminded me how emotionally cut off my H is even sober. But it really does take a village to raise a child and I had to see these other families as the blessing they really are. I cannot be everything to my DS, nor should I be.

You are doing well and I'm glad the school is so on top of it!

PippiLngstockng

I too, think you are doing great.

Our job as parents isn't to control life to protect our children. It is to lead by example, to figure out as best we can what the most-right thing to do is in a given situation and to put our children's/family's needs first. To give them all our love and the healthiest, most stable home life possible.

I tried in the beginning of my separation to control as much as possible my children's interactions with their alcoholic narcissistic father and his alcoholic parents, but that only led to more problems. Better they learn themselves who those people are and I can be there otherwise to show them what is hopefully a healthier more loving way. This also means keeping myself healthy!

Pain is a nevessary part of life and absolutely part of what a parent wants to protect their children from. But we have to ket them grow, and learn, and discover for themselves.

My children are doing better since I learned to give them room to discover their father and his family for themselves. FIL and MIL are both alcoholics, and since the separation/divorce they have almost completely dropped out of my children's lives. They could learn the truth about their son if they actually talked to their grandchildren. This makes the grandchildren...dangerous.

Keep doing what you are doing and have faith in your child.

theuncertainty

I finally got a chance to talk with my sister. We went out to window shop while DS got time with his cousins. It turns out that not only had AXH aged so much it was hard for DS to recognize him, but neither AXH or his sister recognized DS.

I can't even imagine how much that hurt DS to have his father not recognize him. It had been 3 years, from ages 7-10. And I know I've seen DS every one of those days, but he hasn't changed THAT much.