A slip, or relapse after 3 years sober.. what now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 8
A slip, or relapse after 3 years sober.. what now?
Hello!
I'll give you the short story first, and if you so wish you can read the long story too. I appreciate all the help and information I might gain today, because knowledge is power!
The Short:
I come to these forums today out of desperation, and confusion. My Dad was an active alcoholic all of my childhood. He was a very violent, black out drunk. He has been attempting sobriety since 2005 (I was 15).
Thought the early days of his sobriety were very shaky, he couldn't stay sober for more than a year, for many years. And AA just never worked for him.
After 3 years sober (at least as far as I am aware) he has had a relapse, or slip? During an unrelated phone call with my Mom, she casually brought up that my Dad called her and told her how his current wife was "starting her ****" so he brought home a bottle of wine, and when she got mad about that, he went in the garage and drank the whole bottle. He told my Mom that he felt guilty and knows he shouldn't do that.
I have NO idea how to react. I was LIVID to say the least, I had just started to feel like he was really turning over a new leaf! I need help. What do I say to him? Could it really be just a slip? Do I even bring it up? How big of an alarm exactly should I be sounding here? He is very very manipulative, I have no trouble believing he feels guilty, but I have lots of trouble believing that he feels bad enough not to do it again.
I want to call him and scream at him, tell him that he can't get away with this! But I also know it is a disease, a lifelong disease he may never fully have in remission. I need help understanding what the next steps are for me. What I should do.. if anything. I am so mad at him, I also get so emotional when this happens. I can't ever expect him to get sober, I have no trust that he will stay sober, and I get so very run down when this happens... I just don't know how to cope.
Advice and similar experiences for those who've been there could be very helpful right now. Thank you so much for listening.
The "Long" or Backstory
My Dad was a violent alcoholic my entire childhood. When I was 15, my Mom divorced him and me and my 3 siblings had to leave just for our safety. He started trying to get sober in 2005. In the beginning, he had many relapses. But by 2010, I was under the impression that he was sober, for good. No angry emails, never drank in front of me or my siblings, and didn't keep alcohol in the house.
Last year (2014) my Stepmom called me crying, asking how I ever dealt with him, what to do. When I asked her if he's been drinking she said he had been sober for two years, this was news to me, I thought he'd been sober for 4 years or more. I let this go, but then around thanksgiving I got a mean email from him.
This time I took action. I wrote him a letter and told him I wouldn't stand for mean emails anymore. I told him I would no longer associate with him if he wanted to be abusive and manipulative. I told him if he wanted a relationship he was to be honest and come to me with concerns before sending me an email full of hate, blame etc.
My Dad and I met in December, just four months ago, and he said he was sorry, that he was going to be better. I started to see a marked improvement in our communication, in fact I felt like I finally could forgive him. Just a week ago I realized I could let it go, all the hate I've had for him for so many years.
Then Last night while talking to my mom about an upcoming wedding, we learned that only me and my dad (of my immediate family) would be attending. This is a unique wedding because it's the marriage of my gay cousins. I am very happy for them, but I know my Dad, and this is something that could set him off. Not out of disapproval, but it just overwhelms him, he gets very emotional about big events like this.
So I was telling my mom that if I was there maybe he won't drink (though I know this thinking is flawed, as I am powerless to his decision to drink). That's when she told me he had called her and confessed he was mad at his current wife, that she "started her ****" so he got a bottle of wine. She didn't like this of course..and so he drank it all in one shot in the garage.. just to punish her.
My Mom tells me that he said he was sorry, and knows he made a terrible mistake. I have NO idea how to react. I was LIVID to say the least, I had just started to feel like he was really turning over a new leaf! I need help. What do I say to him? Could it really be just a slip? Do I even bring it up? How big of an alarm exactly should I be sounding here? He is very very manipulative, I have no trouble believing he feels guilty, but I have lots of trouble believing that he feels bad enough not to do it again.
I want to call him and scream at him, tell him that he can't get away with this! But I also know it is a disease, a lifelong disease he may never fully have in remission. I need help understanding what the next steps are for me. What I should do.. if anything. I am so mad at him, I also get so emotional when this happens. I can't ever expect him to get sober, I have no trust that he will stay sober, and I get so very run down when this happens... I just don't know how to cope.
Advice and similar experiences for those who've been there could be very helpful right now. Thank you so much for listening.
I'll give you the short story first, and if you so wish you can read the long story too. I appreciate all the help and information I might gain today, because knowledge is power!
The Short:
I come to these forums today out of desperation, and confusion. My Dad was an active alcoholic all of my childhood. He was a very violent, black out drunk. He has been attempting sobriety since 2005 (I was 15).
Thought the early days of his sobriety were very shaky, he couldn't stay sober for more than a year, for many years. And AA just never worked for him.
After 3 years sober (at least as far as I am aware) he has had a relapse, or slip? During an unrelated phone call with my Mom, she casually brought up that my Dad called her and told her how his current wife was "starting her ****" so he brought home a bottle of wine, and when she got mad about that, he went in the garage and drank the whole bottle. He told my Mom that he felt guilty and knows he shouldn't do that.
I have NO idea how to react. I was LIVID to say the least, I had just started to feel like he was really turning over a new leaf! I need help. What do I say to him? Could it really be just a slip? Do I even bring it up? How big of an alarm exactly should I be sounding here? He is very very manipulative, I have no trouble believing he feels guilty, but I have lots of trouble believing that he feels bad enough not to do it again.
I want to call him and scream at him, tell him that he can't get away with this! But I also know it is a disease, a lifelong disease he may never fully have in remission. I need help understanding what the next steps are for me. What I should do.. if anything. I am so mad at him, I also get so emotional when this happens. I can't ever expect him to get sober, I have no trust that he will stay sober, and I get so very run down when this happens... I just don't know how to cope.
Advice and similar experiences for those who've been there could be very helpful right now. Thank you so much for listening.
The "Long" or Backstory
My Dad was a violent alcoholic my entire childhood. When I was 15, my Mom divorced him and me and my 3 siblings had to leave just for our safety. He started trying to get sober in 2005. In the beginning, he had many relapses. But by 2010, I was under the impression that he was sober, for good. No angry emails, never drank in front of me or my siblings, and didn't keep alcohol in the house.
Last year (2014) my Stepmom called me crying, asking how I ever dealt with him, what to do. When I asked her if he's been drinking she said he had been sober for two years, this was news to me, I thought he'd been sober for 4 years or more. I let this go, but then around thanksgiving I got a mean email from him.
This time I took action. I wrote him a letter and told him I wouldn't stand for mean emails anymore. I told him I would no longer associate with him if he wanted to be abusive and manipulative. I told him if he wanted a relationship he was to be honest and come to me with concerns before sending me an email full of hate, blame etc.
My Dad and I met in December, just four months ago, and he said he was sorry, that he was going to be better. I started to see a marked improvement in our communication, in fact I felt like I finally could forgive him. Just a week ago I realized I could let it go, all the hate I've had for him for so many years.
Then Last night while talking to my mom about an upcoming wedding, we learned that only me and my dad (of my immediate family) would be attending. This is a unique wedding because it's the marriage of my gay cousins. I am very happy for them, but I know my Dad, and this is something that could set him off. Not out of disapproval, but it just overwhelms him, he gets very emotional about big events like this.
So I was telling my mom that if I was there maybe he won't drink (though I know this thinking is flawed, as I am powerless to his decision to drink). That's when she told me he had called her and confessed he was mad at his current wife, that she "started her ****" so he got a bottle of wine. She didn't like this of course..and so he drank it all in one shot in the garage.. just to punish her.
My Mom tells me that he said he was sorry, and knows he made a terrible mistake. I have NO idea how to react. I was LIVID to say the least, I had just started to feel like he was really turning over a new leaf! I need help. What do I say to him? Could it really be just a slip? Do I even bring it up? How big of an alarm exactly should I be sounding here? He is very very manipulative, I have no trouble believing he feels guilty, but I have lots of trouble believing that he feels bad enough not to do it again.
I want to call him and scream at him, tell him that he can't get away with this! But I also know it is a disease, a lifelong disease he may never fully have in remission. I need help understanding what the next steps are for me. What I should do.. if anything. I am so mad at him, I also get so emotional when this happens. I can't ever expect him to get sober, I have no trust that he will stay sober, and I get so very run down when this happens... I just don't know how to cope.
Advice and similar experiences for those who've been there could be very helpful right now. Thank you so much for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
When my husband relapsed I joined here and ended up at Al Anon. That is what I suggest you do. Work the steps.
As for the rest of it - I'd say MYOB. If he has relapsed, if he did drink a bottle of wine then that's his and his wife's issue to deal with.
As for the rest of it - I'd say MYOB. If he has relapsed, if he did drink a bottle of wine then that's his and his wife's issue to deal with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 8
Thanks for your response. I tried Al Anon, it just wasn't for me, I don't like sharing my story to a bunch of strangers, I just clam up and its too personal even if they've been there. I've had my own therapy plus supportive family and friends.
I see what you're saying about it being their issue, and to mind my own business..but it easily affects me if he starts drinking again. Just because he drank when I wasn't there doesn't mean that I am exempt from the results of what could come if he keeps it up. It's not like he just keeps all his issues within the confines of his marriage and home, it spills over to me, my brothers, and sister. He starts sending mean e-mails, lying, being violent etc.
Are you suggesting that I just ignore it?
I see what you're saying about it being their issue, and to mind my own business..but it easily affects me if he starts drinking again. Just because he drank when I wasn't there doesn't mean that I am exempt from the results of what could come if he keeps it up. It's not like he just keeps all his issues within the confines of his marriage and home, it spills over to me, my brothers, and sister. He starts sending mean e-mails, lying, being violent etc.
Are you suggesting that I just ignore it?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Honestly, I can't think of anything you can do to CHANGE it.
You can detach from it, cut off contact with him. I think any direct efforts to confront him are doomed to failure and will only create resentment on both sides.
You can detach from it, cut off contact with him. I think any direct efforts to confront him are doomed to failure and will only create resentment on both sides.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yeah I am.
Since you have a therapist I also suggest you discuss with that person how to set boundaries with your father, mother, step mother and siblings.
Alcoholism is a disease of the family as I am sure you know. Your father is calling his ex wife, your mother, who is calling you discussing a personal situation with his wife with resulted in him drinking a bottle of wine. Children no matter how old you are don't need to be in the midst of their parents issues with their significant other. You are now on pins and needles as I would imagine your siblings are too.
Emails can be blocked or deleted. Phone calls don't have to be taken. Most certainly, you don't have to be in his presence if he is violent.
There may be extenuating circumstances you haven't mentioned as to why you have to be in more contact with him - like you work at the same business or something along those lines.
Hopefully someone who is an ACOA will chime in. I did not have to deal with an addict parent although I did have to deal with being drug into their marital issues at times and its NOT RIGHT.
Since you have a therapist I also suggest you discuss with that person how to set boundaries with your father, mother, step mother and siblings.
Alcoholism is a disease of the family as I am sure you know. Your father is calling his ex wife, your mother, who is calling you discussing a personal situation with his wife with resulted in him drinking a bottle of wine. Children no matter how old you are don't need to be in the midst of their parents issues with their significant other. You are now on pins and needles as I would imagine your siblings are too.
Emails can be blocked or deleted. Phone calls don't have to be taken. Most certainly, you don't have to be in his presence if he is violent.
There may be extenuating circumstances you haven't mentioned as to why you have to be in more contact with him - like you work at the same business or something along those lines.
Hopefully someone who is an ACOA will chime in. I did not have to deal with an addict parent although I did have to deal with being drug into their marital issues at times and its NOT RIGHT.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 8
Ok, I see what you're saying more now. I did learn how to set boundaries with my Dad, and also with my Mother, but I have to say I realize discipline is needed because sometimes my Mom will just blurt things out of no where, I was completely unprepared for it, she told me like it was just run of the mill gossip. Good point that I have a responsibility to reiterate what my boundaries are with her.
I think I am so confused because I am precisely afraid of the boundaries with my Dad having been violated or becoming violated. What exactly do I do to prepare for that? I guess I felt this need to tell him "Listen, I know what happened, and I'm not going to be in your life with that behavior." Or do I just completely cut off contact with him? I guess at this point he hasn't directly hurt me, but now I feel hyper vigilant about the whole thing. I don't feel like worrying about if he's going to be drinking or not.. what if it was just a slip? Its very hard to cut contact with someone after (possibly) one episode, especially after having done so well the past 3 years..thought I realize I'm preaching to the choir a bit here.
I think I am so confused because I am precisely afraid of the boundaries with my Dad having been violated or becoming violated. What exactly do I do to prepare for that? I guess I felt this need to tell him "Listen, I know what happened, and I'm not going to be in your life with that behavior." Or do I just completely cut off contact with him? I guess at this point he hasn't directly hurt me, but now I feel hyper vigilant about the whole thing. I don't feel like worrying about if he's going to be drinking or not.. what if it was just a slip? Its very hard to cut contact with someone after (possibly) one episode, especially after having done so well the past 3 years..thought I realize I'm preaching to the choir a bit here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 8
Redatlanta, Thanks. As for our contact:
This past Thanksgiving he wrote me a nasty email because I didn't visit him for Thanksgiving (I had called before this and said sorry about this, that I was visiting my boyfriends family and just didn't have time to stop and see him, which he said it was okay).
After that I wrote him a letter setting boundaries. Since then we have been working on our relationship. I usually see him for holidays and his Birthday, and family events (graduations, weddings, etc). He was supposed to come up in a week and do some electrical work in my work studio. We talk on the phone maybe 2x a month. He occasionally works in the same neighborhood that I live in, so my boyfriend and I run into him at random. He is a service guy, and he is on call at job sites, so I never do know where he is working everyday.
I am almost financially independent of him, but he does pay my phone bill. I own a start up and money is tight, so taking on that bill would be a challenge...but possibly doable.
This past Thanksgiving he wrote me a nasty email because I didn't visit him for Thanksgiving (I had called before this and said sorry about this, that I was visiting my boyfriends family and just didn't have time to stop and see him, which he said it was okay).
After that I wrote him a letter setting boundaries. Since then we have been working on our relationship. I usually see him for holidays and his Birthday, and family events (graduations, weddings, etc). He was supposed to come up in a week and do some electrical work in my work studio. We talk on the phone maybe 2x a month. He occasionally works in the same neighborhood that I live in, so my boyfriend and I run into him at random. He is a service guy, and he is on call at job sites, so I never do know where he is working everyday.
I am almost financially independent of him, but he does pay my phone bill. I own a start up and money is tight, so taking on that bill would be a challenge...but possibly doable.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Congrats on your start up!
There probably is a way you can cut corners. When we opened our studio we cut out a lot. Lowered this and that, started paying attention to what we bought at the grocery, started eating leftovers and what was on sale etc. We were never very conscience before on how we spent money it has been very eye opening. We have saved thousands and I never felt like we changed our lifestyle.
We just bought a Roku and Digital antenna to get off of our exhorbitant cable TV bill. We don't have to the business has done very well we both just don't want to pay it anymore (ok to be honest I hate our cable provider with a vengeance). We will install it tomorrow if we don't like it then we will switch to a Dish.
There probably is a way you can cut corners. When we opened our studio we cut out a lot. Lowered this and that, started paying attention to what we bought at the grocery, started eating leftovers and what was on sale etc. We were never very conscience before on how we spent money it has been very eye opening. We have saved thousands and I never felt like we changed our lifestyle.
We just bought a Roku and Digital antenna to get off of our exhorbitant cable TV bill. We don't have to the business has done very well we both just don't want to pay it anymore (ok to be honest I hate our cable provider with a vengeance). We will install it tomorrow if we don't like it then we will switch to a Dish.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Sound s to me you are doing what you can to make things ok for you in light of these revelations about family members. I think setting those boundaries with your mother, that maybe the topic of your father, his wife, his drinking etc should be off the table as suitable topics of discussion.
I think putting strategies in place to protect yourself and spell out your limits to your father is a great idea as would be distancing yourself from your stepmother when she wants to discuss her marriage!!
We need to look after ourselves primarily and we shouldn't be forced into the drama involved in others relationships.
I hope you can get to your therapist to discuss these issues and learn how to make yourself safe from this emotional baggage, maybe a suggestion that other family members also take therapy to sort their issues out amongst themselves!
A book I've found helpful is 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
I think putting strategies in place to protect yourself and spell out your limits to your father is a great idea as would be distancing yourself from your stepmother when she wants to discuss her marriage!!
We need to look after ourselves primarily and we shouldn't be forced into the drama involved in others relationships.
I hope you can get to your therapist to discuss these issues and learn how to make yourself safe from this emotional baggage, maybe a suggestion that other family members also take therapy to sort their issues out amongst themselves!
A book I've found helpful is 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 8
I moved my monthly appointment with my therapist to this afternoon, so she can guide me through the steps I need to take instead of handling it in an overly emotional way. Thanks for your reassurance and book recommendation! I'll let you know how it goes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 8
After speaking with my therapist she reminded me (as many of you have!) that I am not responsible for his sobriety. That being said, she also found it completely acceptable to tell him that I've learned of his recent relapse, and that while I don't need to know the details of it, that he needs to know if this is his choice, then I won't have any part of it. That I will not be part of his life and it is MY choice not to interact with an alcoholic.
As far as my Mom goes, I definitely have to have a chat with her about bringing up issues that are clearly none of her business, and mine either, especially because it was brought up in such a gossipy way. If she had called to say "I need to tell you that your dad has been drinking and just want you to be aware and be careful" that would be one thing, but bringing up the details about his issues with his wife, that is clearly unacceptable and makes it just as childish as the incident itself!
As far as my Mom goes, I definitely have to have a chat with her about bringing up issues that are clearly none of her business, and mine either, especially because it was brought up in such a gossipy way. If she had called to say "I need to tell you that your dad has been drinking and just want you to be aware and be careful" that would be one thing, but bringing up the details about his issues with his wife, that is clearly unacceptable and makes it just as childish as the incident itself!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Thanks for the update and I'm glad your therapist was helpful in reiterating that you do have choices in life.
I hope the book could be useful & although helpful in examining my relationships I have adjusted ideas to better suit my situation and still find it a struggle to communicate effectively with either parent, baby steps has me feeling more in control of my life as an adult. some inner child work has helped me to re-visit deep rooted beliefs about a lot of things in my life, including my previous attachment to alcohol.
I wish you well in your chat with mother and hope your life begins to become more controllable for you.
Good luck
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
I hope the book could be useful & although helpful in examining my relationships I have adjusted ideas to better suit my situation and still find it a struggle to communicate effectively with either parent, baby steps has me feeling more in control of my life as an adult. some inner child work has helped me to re-visit deep rooted beliefs about a lot of things in my life, including my previous attachment to alcohol.
I wish you well in your chat with mother and hope your life begins to become more controllable for you.
Good luck
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by ninja90 
I see what you're saying about it being their issue, and to mind my own business..but it easily affects me if he starts drinking again.
Are you suggesting that I just ignore it?
Are you suggesting that I just ignore it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
After speaking with my therapist she reminded me (as many of you have!) that I am not responsible for his sobriety. That being said, she also found it completely acceptable to tell him that I've learned of his recent relapse, and that while I don't need to know the details of it, that he needs to know if this is his choice, then I won't have any part of it. That I will not be part of his life and it is MY choice not to interact with an alcoholic.
Take care of yourself - I'm sorry you have gone through so much with him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
