Butterfly

I can't seem to shift my focus and I'm back to wondering how someone who supposedly loved me as much as he said he did could walk out after 18 years to drink and how he can ignore me, walk away as I never meant anything to him and treat me as though I don't exist????

I am incredibly hurt by how he has treated me throughout my marriage but especially his leaving after I stuck by him through everything but he walked out and how he couldn't tell me he was leaving or wanted a divorce to my face he used the phone and text message. Did I really mean nothing to him that's certainly how it feels.

I've been feeling so sad recently the anger seems to have left and these thoughts and feelings keep going round and round my head. I'm sorry folks I keep coming back to this.

SparkleKitty

It's ok, B. Seriously. No need to apologize.

You are fighting accepting what is by trying to wrap your head around why. I know it doesn't mean much to your pain right now, but accepting that this happened exactly as it happened without needing to understand it is the thing that will release you from this cycle. There is freedom on the other side of acceptance. Promise.

LexieCat

Well, throw some soap in and SCRUB that brain a little! (Sorry, just a little appliance humor.)

I think you have to set a timer on these kinds of musings. I don't think you will ever understand it in any way that will make sense for you, where you can say, "Oh, wow, now I get it and it's OK that he did that." It will never be OK for him to have treated you that way.

The thing is, if you keep focusing on what you can't have, you miss out on the things that you CAN have. I still don't understand why the fiancé I had in college dumped me--actually, when he said he was "rethinking" whether he wanted to get married I dumped HIM because I could see the writing on the wall and didn't want to prolong the inevitable. I was incredibly hurt and to this day I don't know what happened--he was away at pilot training and the bombshell got dropped during a phone call. I mailed back the ring and I don't recall ever hearing from him again. I don't know whether he met someone else or it honestly was just not being sure the relationship was right for him. It took me a long time to get past it, and when I think about it, it still hurts. WHEN I think about it. I worked very hard on not thinking about it, and after a while, I stopped. He still crosses my mind from time to time, but not often, and I don't focus on it for the most part. It's water under the bridge, it's in the past, and nothing I can do to change it.

I know it's a little different in your situation because you were married for a long time and have kids. I can't say it's the same situation--yours is tougher, no doubt about it. But I still think limiting the time you focus on trying to understand it will help.

Hugs,

Butterfly

Thank you sparklekitty and lexiecat

Sometimes I think I've reached acceptance but then I become overwhelmed with sadness that I revert back to these thoughts. I don't know if it's my thinking of if I could understand then I could fix it.

There are times when I am feeling good I think and I have told others here who wonder the same that's it's because they don't want to deal with what they've done and the hurt they've caused so it's easier to just walk away than deal with the damage their addiction and choices but I don't even know if this is true I don't trust my own thoughts and judgements.

I feel that I am losing my mind that I am so lost I just want to hide away.

LexieCat

You AREN'T losing your mind. I think you've come a very long way in the acceptance department. It isn't like you just *boom* accept something and never have to deal with it again. It's a process. Some days you will feel calm and accepting, and other days you'll feel, well, like this. Three forward, two back. You're still moving forward.

I totally get feeling impatient and tired of having to DEAL with it. All I can say is it takes time. You're doing fine, whether you feel like it or not.

daydreamer0217

I hope this helps, I read this the other day and it really hit home.

Those Old Time Feelings

I still have bad days. But that's okay. I used to have bad years.
--Anonymous

Sometimes the old feelings creep back in. We may feel fearful, ashamed and hopeless. We may feel not good enough, unlovable, victimized, helpless and resentful about it all. This is codependency, a condition some describe as soul sickness.

Many of us felt this way when we began recovery. Sometimes we slip back into these feelings after we've begun recovery. Sometimes there's a reason. An event may trigger these reactions, such as ending a relationship, stress, or problems on the job, at home or in friendships. Times of change can trigger these reactions. So can physical illness.

Sometimes these feelings return for no reason.

A return to the old feelings doesn't mean were back to square one in our recovery. They do not mean we've failed at recovery. They do not mean were in for a long, painful session of feeling badly. They just are there.

The solution is the same: practicing the basics. Some of the basics are loving and trusting our self, detachment, dealing with feelings, giving and receiving support in the recovery community, using our affirmations and having fun.

Another basic is working the Steps. Often, working the Steps is how we become enabled and empowered to practice the other basics, such as detachment and self-love.

If the old feelings come back, know for certain there is a way out that will work.

Today, if I find myself in the dark pit of codependency, I will work a Step to help myself climb out.

Duckygirl1

I've come to the conclusion that they leave us like that because on some level they were never really there to begin with. Two bodies occupying the same physical space, but on 2 diffrent mental, emotional, spiritual planets. It's like they're assimilated aliens sometimes. They look like us, sound like us, but underneath is a creature that can barely breathe our atmosphere. Then one day the creature can no longer handle the pain of its alien human costume, sheds its skin and they are gone. I will always be floored by that.

Butterfly

Thank you lexiecat and daydreamer. I'mI not sure I will ever come to terms with how he has treated me and the hurt I feel.

Butterfly

Thank you duckygirl yes I am still floored by his actions and choices.

daydreamer0217

It's so true. You wonder how you can love someone so much and feel so deeply and they are there too, or so you think. when that mask comes off, it is a real shocker. I do not think anyone I know understands that more than you guys. Because they haven't had an addict in their lives. It is so hard to explain to others what life was like, and the deep sadness when you get out of it, and you start seeing it all so differently, You feel ashamed, sad, mad, confused. It is so raw and it cuts like nothing else. Some days I just felt like a zombie. And no one could understand. I felt like I was the one with PTSD, not him. but I am better even today, but that feeling, you always remember it.

FindingMe2

Butterfly,

I felt a lot like you do! My STBXAH took a shot at sobriety but eventually gave up. He had told me over and over how much he loved me and didn't want to lose me. But eventually the alcohol and drugs won and I became the enemy. He walked out on me, leaving me with the sinking ship. He appeared to do so without a care in the world for me and my well being.

Now, close to 1.5 years later, his life has completely fallen apart and he wants me back. It is so obvious that he just wants to use me but my heart still wants to believe he loves me.

I am not going back with him. The trust is gone yet I still feel sorry for him at times. I still get the urge to want to rescue him but then I remember all the pain he caused.me and change my thinking. That took practice! You will get there. It just takes time and practice!! Be kind to yourself and get healthy because I wouldn't be surprised when his life starts to unravel and it will, he will suddenly be the most sorry and loving man again....until he wins you back!!

Butterfly

Thank you. He's been gone a year but im still stuck and keep digging myself deeper into this rut. So many things have changed for the better, I no longer have to live with the anxiety of him drinking and I no longer want to reach out to him when I know he's on a bender and encourage or try to force him into recovery, I am stronger and I'm able to resist the urge to not text him but the hurt and sadness that I spent so many years with someone who could treat me and my kids this way and ignore me so he won't have to deal with anything and continue on with his happy existence of drinking.

I always thought I knew him but I guess I never really did

ErinGoBragh

I completely understand where you are coming from. There are still times when I just sit here thinking, in absolute amazement, "How could someone who claimed to love me do what he did to me?"

I've started to come to grips with the way my dead AH treated me by talking to an A with 50 years sobriety - STRONG sobriety.

An active alcoholic is crazy. I mean, they are actually insane. There is no sense or justification or logic for their behavior. It's just part of the disease.
I began to make peace with the outrageous stuff my AH pulled when I could actually get ahold of what this meant.

My husband basically abandoned me. He just left me to figure out what to do and that was that. Fortunately, I went back to work and am supporting myself. But it never registered with him the havoc he wrecked upon his family. He was so self-absorbed and involved in his own pain and issues, he simply was incapable of being there for me. Heck, he wasn't even there for himself!

It simply is what it is. Alcoholics do not operate on a logical level. They don't care who they hurt. Generally they justify their outrageous behaviors with some loony nonsense that makes them feel they were okay crapping on their families.

I know this sounds very simplistic, but time does help heal wounds. The longer I was apart from my AH, and the longer I attended Al-Anon, the better things became for me. I gained perspective. Most importantly, I gained peace.

cookiesncream

Butterfly I know this is going to sound odd to you but I'm going to say it. You need to take a similar approach to your own recovery that alcoholics that are serious about recovery do. I read your posts and I see myself so very often. You are stuck in self pity. I "get it" I really and truly do because that's what I did for the entire first year of my sobriety. Here was my tape that played over and over again "My hubbie was mean to me. My hubbie is meaner than anybody else's s/o who got fed up with their drinking. My hubbie doesn't understand me." and on and on I went. In my women's recovery group over and over again I played the same tape. People listened but a few women finally called me out. "Okay Cookies that said what are YOU going to do about it?"

If you're so inclined and haven't already read it go find the book "Drinking: A Love Story" by Carolyn Knapp. I listened to the audio version and loved it. You may not care so much about the first part but the whole part where she goes into her recovery process I think you might find quite valuable in finding a path forward. I was addicted to a substance. The substance wasn't healthy for me. The substance robbed me of living a fulfilling life. The substance gave little in return and took away much. You are addicted to a person. This person has the same negative qualities for your life as booze had to mine.

Consider getting your hands on that book. Carolyn's approach to recovery may well resonate with you. She pulls no punches and while I was quite STUCK her words resonated with me. Consider it. I don't mean to be harsh. Your husband is a jerk and your feelings are understandable however you do need to find a way forward regardless of what a rotten jerk he is/was.

Peace,

Cookies