Stung

I have been noticing this to be true for me. With most people, if they hurt me then I isolate. With my husband, when he hurts me then I want to hurt him back.

Where does this come from? Is this just an issue of not developing adequate coping skills to deal with our emotions?

I've read on Mr.Sponsorpants that we're not responsible for the first thought that pops into our heads but we're responsible for the second one. My first thought when my husband does something that hurts me (whether it's personal or not and 99% of the time, it's not personal) is that I want to do something to hurt him (and then it is personal). My second thought is that I'm hurting and that's what I need to address. Recovery is hard in this area for me. It's so much easier to be mad than sad.

LexieCat

Mr. SP usually knows what he's talking about, all right. I think the reason you feel more of an urge to hurt your husband back is because you CAN. Intimate partners know each other's vulnerabilities like nobody else does--that's why abuse is such an effective control tool. If you lashed back at someone else, that person would probably just avoid you. With your husband, you'd know just how to hurt him back.

And I think a lot of us could use improvement in the "processing emotions" department. We spend so much of our time in reactive mode--reacting to what other people say or do. I know I have a difficult time with confrontations on a personal level (I'm fine with them professionally).

firebolt

I struggle with this as well. Outside of my house, when someone hurts me, I stew, feel hurt, and then let it go, and then move forward with them cautiously. Or, I let it roll off and chalk it up to them having a bad day, and even evaluate my part in the situation (gasp.) When it's my partner, I want vengence. Times 2.

lillamy

I never had an easy time with anger -- I think I never really felt like I had the right to be angry -- sadness was always my go-to feeling. Sadness and self-doubt. And I honestly don't know what's happening to me, whether I'm just becoming a hardened old wench or whether this recovery thing is finally beginning to pay serious dividends...

... but I've gotten to the point in the past six months or so where, when someone hurts me, my first reaction isn't "what did I do wrong?" but "must suck to be them"...

Stung

Yes! It's frustrating because when I stop and breathe I know he isn't doing anything to INTENTIONALLY hurt me. So I have to stop and do my little serenity prayer (don't control stuff that isn't mine, improve the stuff that actually IS mine, ask for guidance about which is which) then I wonder to myself, would the stuff he's doing bother anyone else? Am I feeling hurt because I have baggage (feelings being stirred up that aren't even related to this specific event) or am I feeling hurt because he actually really did something hurtful. This time it's a little bit of both, I think. And for the love of god, what are my expectations?

Now I have to think about how to communicate my feelings in a non blame way. Being healthy is so much work sometimes. I hope there comes a day when dealing with bad feelings feels more natural.

Stung

I get stuck in the "why did [he] do that to me?" mentality. It's very rarely ever personal, but sometimes stuff hurts whether it was meant to or not and being angry at someone over my feelings doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't decrease the possibility of it happening again. Stuff I cannot control and stuff I can.

knowthetriggers

Hmmm..my problem. If they hurt me then it is game on! Everyone in my way gets a tounge lashing, yes even the innocent family members. Really embarrassing to admit that but I work really really REALLY hard on this.

healthyagain

My problem is that I have this feeling of what is just and what is not. And if something is not just, intentionally or not intentionally, I go grrrr, bite. If I'm hurt, I isolate, but if there is injustice + hurt, then that means war.

Duckygirl1

If it were a crime I'd get the chair. I must check out this Mr. SP