Shelliszoo

Sunday will be two weeks since the guy I live with has started drinking again. The past two weeks have been so lonely ... And so many other other overwhelming feelings. J know we need to seperate but at this second fincial things are standing in the way. I want out so bad ... I want him to open his eyes and see this isnt working. Hes neverv relapsed longer then a couple days so im really thinking this is it, its over. I am putting steps in place for the move out. Hes not going to keep his word and move out as per our agreement so ... Im looking for a place. Thats not going to hapoen now though. I don't have the money and i live on an island ... Season just started so long term rentals ... Right!!!
So, how did i respond to all of this last night??? I drank ...I dont have a drinking issue and havent drank in almost a year for him. I didnt see how a person can recover and date someone who drinks. He always offered me a glass of wine or whatever at dinner or to go out with my friends but i never did. It didnt take much for me to get drunk, not only has it been a long time, im not really eating. He came out and meet me, at my request. We saw friends ... We drank then he took me to eat. I did not enjoy my time out which he knows but that doesnt matter ... I drank while bitching at him for drinking. We came home and had a "great" time. Its morning and he's still asleep and and I cant believe i did that. I was so tired of sitting at home alone. There is no excuse this is not what I want. What do i do now??? Part of me wants to drink tonight and have a good last weekend with him and let him go. The other part of me is going seriously??? I dont think anyone can understand this ... Im just that screwed up in my head right now. Life is so hard for me right now. I absolutely hate it. I just keep screwing up....

LexieCat

Oh, I can understand it--trust me.

I don't think getting drunk with him and having a "great last weekend" is a good plan, though. Can you find a roommate situation or stay with a friend until you find a more permanent solution? Whose name is on the lease where you are now? If you move out you will remain responsible if he doesn't pay the rent. Are you working? Can you move further away from the resort area?

dandylion

Shelli......you sound like the alcoholics do when they say "I just want one last bender and then I will stop drinking". It is an illusion, of course...that last bender doesn't make it one bit easier....

Women secrete oxytocin when they have sex--a bonding hormone. And, alcohol just lowers our inhibitions.

I suggest that you stop sleeping with him and don't drink while you are still around him.
This is just making a bad situation worse for yourself. )it also makes him want to stay longer).
Turn all your energies toward the plan for getting him out. This stress cannot possibly be helping your daughter, either.

There is always a way out....it is just a matter of finding it.....

dandylion

LexieCat

I'm sorry, Shelli, I forgot to go back and look at your original post. I remember now what your situation is.

You said your daughter's dad could take care of her. Maybe it's best if you let her stay with her dad for right now and you go to a women's shelter for a bit. There are many social services that can help you get on your feet again. Do you have a car? You can find another part-time job until you find something full-time.

Shelliszoo

I know i have made this situation worse. The lease is in both names. My daughter is at her dads for Easter this year. I have already found a roomate. I now have 2 jobs and could afford this place on my own. The agreement when i moved in was that if he decided to drink again hed move out. He said he was going to but then monday he said he wasnt. That issue will be forced once i get my old bills paid and make deposits to put the household things in my name. I have considered moving from the island however my daughter loves her school. Shes an honors student and is in the band. She doesnt want to move. Not that she makes the decessions but i really like it here also and there are some great things about living here.
I guess the reason i drank last night was obviously i wanted to in some way or i wouldnt have. I dont want to spend Easter alone and I hate looking at him with pure ddisgust. No one likes a drunk but a drunk. Last night I wasnt disgusted this morning i am. I cant stand him right now. I cant ...

LexieCat

OK, but I don't see any way of making him move out if he refuses to do that. Your "agreement" wouldn't hold up in court so he isn't legally obligated to move out. I'm afraid that if you want to be apart from him (and I think this sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you), you will have to be the one to do it.

Any friends you could stay with temporarily? You might also try calling any social services or nonprofits for assistance finding temporary housing. If you really feel the need to get out of this situation you may have to make some difficult choices in terms of what you give up.

School will be ending in a couple of months. Could your daughter maybe stay with a friend's family temporarily until school is out and then she could stay with her dad? Just spitballing ideas...

searching peace

Shelli, Lexicat is a wonderful source of knowledge! Lexicat, if Shelli's name is on the lease, isn't she liable for the lease even if she does move out? How can she get her name off of the lease?

Shelli, I don't know where in the Carolinas you live, but you could look for a job as an onsite apartment manager. I think you would have rent paid for. Also, maybe if you live near a city that has a college, you could look there for a resident job. I know at my daughters college, they have residential commons and they have faculty or staff living in the commons with their families to help the students. They get their housing plus salary for living on campus with the students. Most colleges are wonderful environments with amazing amenities. Your daughter is old enough to be able to have an enriching experience and young enough not to partake in the negative aspects. Also, if you are near touristy islands, some hotels and resorts offer jobs that include housing for the employee and their families. These are just three ideas that might help with two of your dilemmas, housing and employment.

I hope this all works out well for you! And you are not stupid! I know I have felt like drinking more since stbxah went to rehab the first time. Drinking doesn't make you an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a disease, and one that I don't think you have. And being lonely and wanting intimacy even for that moment is normal in this situation. You still love him and you can't turn your feelings on and off so easily. Unfortunately, your Abf knows how loving and kind hearted you are and may try to use that to his advantage. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Especially right now while you are dealing with so much. I wish you could find a way to take a step back and put some space and distance between you and Abf. I think if you could do that, it might help you gain perspective and give you time to breath and focus on you and your precious daughter.

LexieCat

searching peace has some great ideas.

Yes, she would be liable on the lease unless the landlord (and the stbx) agree to take her off the current one--both would have to agree. OTOH, as long as the rent is paid, the landlord doesn't care who pays it.

Shelliszoo

So, today I took a couple steps. The landlord has worked with us on catching up and knows the situation. My guy hasn't paid the rent yet, after saying he would. I sent them a letter and paid The rent. I explain that He had relapsed and wasn't taking care of anything. I explain I neede to make sure myself and my daughter were taken care of. I asked them to give me a call when the received it. The lease is in both of our names. The rest of the stuff in his name. I'm going to ask them to make him take responsibilty. He doesn't know Ive paid the rent. I'm going to see if they won't ask him to,leave, we are on a mo,th to month lease, I believe ... Trying to find it but He has it some place and can't ask him. I'm going to let the stuff get turned off here for nonpayment and be ready to put it in my name that day. That is my plan for this minute. My great plan seems to change ... I'm hoping I didn't just screw my self by paying the rent. However, they do know that I got him caught up in the 4 months he was behind. I'm hoping they will find someway to work with me on this. I'm not feeling like a good person doing this but I have to protect my daughter and my self foremost. I'm not digging his hole, he is. All I can do I'd attempt to cover myself. Hoping this works ... I just spendt all my money so, I'm really hoping I didn't just make a big mistake. I'm taking a gamble ...

Shelliszoo

I feel like I'm almost cheating on him by doing all of this. However, another part of me says I'm not doing anything but putting up safety nets while He does everything for me and I can just wait it out. But wow ... I'm feeling lime a user, I guess as usual, for the past two weeks I'm confused!!!