I'm getting healthy ,he broke it off
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I'm getting healthy ,he broke it off
Hi all, it has been a long time since I have posted. I have been going to alanon for a year and have a sponsor. Quick back story, I left my boyfriend of 10 years last January 2014. We decided to give it another try. The last year I have spent a ton of time working on detachment, letting go and working on my self esteem. He has been getting worse, unhappy ,treating me with disrespect, standing me up ext.. last night we talked. he is drinking again after 14 years sober , how could I have not known? He said he was super jealous of me, that I am getting healthy. Told me he no longer wants to be with me. ugh, today I am struggling, I thought that by me getting healthy and changing our dance, he would make changes too. I guess the change he decided is that he doesn't want me any more . I needs words of wisdom, I am trying to remember that him not wanting me has nothing to do with my worth and remember that I have been thinking and talking about breaking it off with him for quite some time. Can I be relieved?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi Horsegirl,
Yes you can be relieved.
You are right that them not choosing us has no reflection on our self worth, it is to do with their addiction and choices. This blog post really helped me with this: Did I Attract My Cheating Husband?
Although it's about cheating I substituted the word 'cheating' with 'addiction' and it made sense to me.
This can suck, however it's clear that you are building a great life for yourself.
He may come round one day, that's up to him. And in the meantime you can continue moving along with your great life, building that self esteem and becoming even more healthy.
Congrats to you!
Yes you can be relieved.
You are right that them not choosing us has no reflection on our self worth, it is to do with their addiction and choices. This blog post really helped me with this: Did I Attract My Cheating Husband?
Although it's about cheating I substituted the word 'cheating' with 'addiction' and it made sense to me.
This can suck, however it's clear that you are building a great life for yourself.
He may come round one day, that's up to him. And in the meantime you can continue moving along with your great life, building that self esteem and becoming even more healthy.
Congrats to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 190
It's so tricky! I'm sorry your feeling this way, it must be hard.
That codependency sneaks in there, quite unnoticed sometimes eh? I totally know that feeling of, 'if I change, maybe they will get better too!', and while rational with non-addicted people, with addicts it's a whole different story. We have to remember to work these programs and changes in our lives for ourselves, and OUR benefit, not theirs.
These changes are big, and absolutely it will make him uncomfortable, doesn't mean you are worthless, or deserve poor treatment. Adults should be able to come to each other and voice their discomfort reasonably, but again we're dealing with people who are ill, and that might not happen.
Do what keeps you safe, and on track with your recovery. I know it's hard to deal with shot down expectations, but this is actually indicating that you're doing something right.
That codependency sneaks in there, quite unnoticed sometimes eh? I totally know that feeling of, 'if I change, maybe they will get better too!', and while rational with non-addicted people, with addicts it's a whole different story. We have to remember to work these programs and changes in our lives for ourselves, and OUR benefit, not theirs.
These changes are big, and absolutely it will make him uncomfortable, doesn't mean you are worthless, or deserve poor treatment. Adults should be able to come to each other and voice their discomfort reasonably, but again we're dealing with people who are ill, and that might not happen.
Do what keeps you safe, and on track with your recovery. I know it's hard to deal with shot down expectations, but this is actually indicating that you're doing something right.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carmen.....remember that it is short-term pain for long-term gain. So many people stay in destructive relationships because they are afraid that they are not "strong enough" to face the short-term pain.
It always hurts to break bonds that have formed in any relationship that you have invested yourself into. Actually, it doesn't even matter that the relationship was toxic or not--it still hurts the same (at first).
Naturally, there will be a period of grieving the loss. If you understand this, it will make it easier for you.
You will know that it is normal and that it will eventually pass.
dandylion
It always hurts to break bonds that have formed in any relationship that you have invested yourself into. Actually, it doesn't even matter that the relationship was toxic or not--it still hurts the same (at first).
Naturally, there will be a period of grieving the loss. If you understand this, it will make it easier for you.
You will know that it is normal and that it will eventually pass.
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Absolutely OK to feel relieved. It's always a relief to figure out what's REALLY going on--it's not knowing that can make you crazy.
You were unhappy before he started drinking again, you gave it another shot, and now see your original instincts were right--and you have even more confirmation that this relationship is over. If he was sober for 14 years, he knows what he needs to do. You can walk away with your head held high and some good recovery under your belt. You're going to be fine.
Hugs,
You were unhappy before he started drinking again, you gave it another shot, and now see your original instincts were right--and you have even more confirmation that this relationship is over. If he was sober for 14 years, he knows what he needs to do. You can walk away with your head held high and some good recovery under your belt. You're going to be fine.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Question, do healthy people make alchohlics uncomfortable? When I turned the tables and really made some healthy strides in my codependency , that's when he started getting worse , I am in no way blaming myself, just trying to rationalize what happened. I want to believe that my healthy detachment scared him and he could not deal with it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, I think some alcoholics get used to interacting with a partner in a certain way. When the partner gets healthier it sort of rocks their world a bit. Your getting healthier did not cause or contribute to his relapse--he's probably just using that as an excuse to rationalize his drinking. Resentments can cause relapse, but the resentment is on him, not you.
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OUR SELF WORTH IS NOT DEFINED BUT WHAT THEY DO OR NOT DO!!!!!!!!!
He doesn't want anything to change..........
He doesn't want anything to change..........
Originally Posted by horsegirl 
Hi all, it has been a long time since I have posted. I have been going to alanon for a year and have a sponsor. Quick back story, I left my boyfriend of 10 years last January 2014. We decided to give it another try. The last year I have spent a ton of time working on detachment, letting go and working on my self esteem. He has been getting worse, unhappy ,treating me with disrespect, standing me up ext.. last night we talked. he is drinking again after 14 years sober , how could I have not known? He said he was super jealous of me, that I am getting healthy. Told me he no longer wants to be with me. ugh, today I am struggling, I thought that by me getting healthy and changing our dance, he would make changes too. I guess the change he decided is that he doesn't want me any more . I needs words of wisdom, I am trying to remember that him not wanting me has nothing to do with my worth and remember that I have been thinking and talking about breaking it off with him for quite some time. Can I be relieved?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Spalding
It's so tricky! I'm sorry your feeling this way, it must be hard.
That codependency sneaks in there, quite unnoticed sometimes eh? I totally know that feeling of, 'if I change, maybe they will get better too!', and while rational with non-addicted people, with addicts it's a whole different story. We have to remember to work these programs and changes in our lives for ourselves, and OUR benefit, not theirs.
These changes are big, and absolutely it will make him uncomfortable, doesn't mean you are worthless, or deserve poor treatment. Adults should be able to come to each other and voice their discomfort reasonably, but again we're dealing with people who are ill, and that might not happen.
Do what keeps you safe, and on track with your recovery. I know it's hard to deal with shot down expectations, but this is actually indicating that you're doing something right.
That codependency sneaks in there, quite unnoticed sometimes eh? I totally know that feeling of, 'if I change, maybe they will get better too!', and while rational with non-addicted people, with addicts it's a whole different story. We have to remember to work these programs and changes in our lives for ourselves, and OUR benefit, not theirs.
These changes are big, and absolutely it will make him uncomfortable, doesn't mean you are worthless, or deserve poor treatment. Adults should be able to come to each other and voice their discomfort reasonably, but again we're dealing with people who are ill, and that might not happen.
Do what keeps you safe, and on track with your recovery. I know it's hard to deal with shot down expectations, but this is actually indicating that you're doing something right.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
horsegirl....it is safe to say that anyone or anything that comes between an alcoholic and their drink is seen as the enemy....as someone from the "other side"
You are doing the only thing you can do in order to save yourself.
Don't doubt that.
dandylion
You are doing the only thing you can do in order to save yourself.
Don't doubt that.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by dandylion
horsegirl....it is safe to say that anyone or anything that comes between an alcoholic and their drink is seen as the enemy....as someone from the "other side"
You are doing the only thing you can do in order to save yourself.
Don't doubt that.
dandylion
You are doing the only thing you can do in order to save yourself.
Don't doubt that.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by dandylion
Horsegirl.....LOL! lol....which one do you mean when you say "crazy thinking?"...you....or, him??
dandylion
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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horsegirl....on your side of things...I suspect that your fear of being "unloveable" is something that you have in your baggage from long past. Probably, a message that you received in your growing-up years (intended or not). These messages become internalized with us and affect our own self-esteem. They become background tapes that play over and over in the back of our mind. And, we take those beliefs (or fears) into every relationship that we have.
As for him....alcoholics often don't even know their own motivations...they don't know themselves...and, they often lie to themselves as part of their denial system. Their denial allows them to cling to their alcohol.
There is a war going on in their brains 24/7...between themselves and the "alcoholic voice" that is control of them. How can you expect to understand what is going on in his mind...when he probably has no idea himself. He probably just knows this one thing--he MUST protect his right to drink without consequences.
I don't know if I recommended this to you when you were posting, previously--but, here goes----Do a google search for bma-wellness.com. website. Once there, read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Especially, the one titled: "Addictions, Lies, Relationships"......you will find these by clicking on the section called "Psychiatry and Wellness". I find these articles to be excellent toward understanding some of the dynamics of alcoholic thinking.
Keep in mind, however---you can't change the relationship by just trying to "understand" him. You can't fix him.
You do know that the relationship is damaging for you....and, that you have to take care of yourself, now matter what.
This is the way I look at it....both partners have had "crippled thinking"....which is why you were able to do the "dance" together....at least, until you started to make changes in yourself.....
dandylion
As for him....alcoholics often don't even know their own motivations...they don't know themselves...and, they often lie to themselves as part of their denial system. Their denial allows them to cling to their alcohol.
There is a war going on in their brains 24/7...between themselves and the "alcoholic voice" that is control of them. How can you expect to understand what is going on in his mind...when he probably has no idea himself. He probably just knows this one thing--he MUST protect his right to drink without consequences.
I don't know if I recommended this to you when you were posting, previously--but, here goes----Do a google search for bma-wellness.com. website. Once there, read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Especially, the one titled: "Addictions, Lies, Relationships"......you will find these by clicking on the section called "Psychiatry and Wellness". I find these articles to be excellent toward understanding some of the dynamics of alcoholic thinking.
Keep in mind, however---you can't change the relationship by just trying to "understand" him. You can't fix him.
You do know that the relationship is damaging for you....and, that you have to take care of yourself, now matter what.
This is the way I look at it....both partners have had "crippled thinking"....which is why you were able to do the "dance" together....at least, until you started to make changes in yourself.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by horsegirl
Thank you dandylion, I've been through this once before with him. I know I'm stronger now. I am tterrifired of being unconsolable, thinking I'm unlovable, running the whole codependency gammmet. I've just now noticed I have a little anxiety and am trying to figure out how to get back to the real deal. . its not about me, he is sick ,he cannot possibly manage a relationship right now. He chose the easiest solution for him. Letting me go. No more girlfriend no more having to be responsible for his emotions and actions. I don't know , crazy thinking?
My husband let me go remarkably easily for someone who said he didn't want me to go. There was a moment between us, he was crying (so was I), I had just said I was leaving. I could tell he didn't want me to go. He hugged me, and then he said in this little voice 'goodbye' and I could just tell it was him letting me go.
And then he went upstairs to bed (at 9pm in the evening !!!!!) We were sleeping in separate rooms by then so I am pretty sure he went upstairs to use.
It was as though inside of him he really didn't want to let me go. But the addiction won, so he did. To me that moment was him giving in to his addiction.
I don't know if any of this is making any sense, it was more something I felt than anything verbally communicated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by horsegirl
Thank you dandylion, I've been through this once before with him. I know I'm stronger now. I am tterrifired of being unconsolable, thinking I'm unlovable, running the whole codependency gammmet. I've just now noticed I have a little anxiety and am trying to figure out how to get back to the real deal. . its not about me, he is sick ,he cannot possibly manage a relationship right now. He chose the easiest solution for him. Letting me go. No more girlfriend no more having to be responsible for his emotions and actions. I don't know , crazy thinking?
I read somewhere the the addictive part will just clear the way of anything that stands in the way, loved ones included.
If he is in the throes of addiction it isn't even him in control if I am understanding it rightly, so it would not be rational.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
I've been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life, and I've found several times over that when I was really starting to feel better, it was wreaking havoc with some of my relationships/friendships - and these were just generically unhealthy people, not addicts or alcoholics.
It's one of those things which professionals sometimes warn you about if you go into counselling, and although Alanon ISN'T counselling as such - if you do follow the program it's just as beneficial, if not more so.
People get used to interacting with us in a certain way, and if we no longer come up with the goods they will get resentful and lose interest. While us being healthier will open up the doors to the other person to do likewise - most people don't. As we get healthier, the relationship will either improve or it will end. Sometimes, sadly, this means that people we're very fond of will get up and leave - but if knowingly enabling someone else's addiction, fighting, being a martyr... all the rest... is a condition of being in a relationship with that person, then it's possibly not a relationship we want to be in.
And while we're involved in an unhealthy relationship, it precludes any possibility of finding one which will be better for us.
In a perverse way, it's actually affirming when we're rejected by someone who needs us to be unhealthy, even if it's quite painful at the time. So, yes, you can be relieved!
(((HUGS)))
It's one of those things which professionals sometimes warn you about if you go into counselling, and although Alanon ISN'T counselling as such - if you do follow the program it's just as beneficial, if not more so.
People get used to interacting with us in a certain way, and if we no longer come up with the goods they will get resentful and lose interest. While us being healthier will open up the doors to the other person to do likewise - most people don't. As we get healthier, the relationship will either improve or it will end. Sometimes, sadly, this means that people we're very fond of will get up and leave - but if knowingly enabling someone else's addiction, fighting, being a martyr... all the rest... is a condition of being in a relationship with that person, then it's possibly not a relationship we want to be in.
And while we're involved in an unhealthy relationship, it precludes any possibility of finding one which will be better for us.
In a perverse way, it's actually affirming when we're rejected by someone who needs us to be unhealthy, even if it's quite painful at the time. So, yes, you can be relieved!
(((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by dandylion
horsegirl....on your side of things...I suspect that your fear of being "unloveable" is something that you have in your baggage from long past. Probably, a message that you received in your growing-up years (intended or not). These messages become internalized with us and affect our own self-esteem. They become background tapes that play over and over in the back of our mind. And, we take those beliefs (or fears) into every relationship that we have.
As for him....alcoholics often don't even know their own motivations...they don't know themselves...and, they often lie to themselves as part of their denial system. Their denial allows them to cling to their alcohol.
There is a war going on in their brains 24/7...between themselves and the "alcoholic voice" that is control of them. How can you expect to understand what is going on in his mind...when he probably has no idea himself. He probably just knows this one thing--he MUST protect his right to drink without consequences.
I don't know if I recommended this to you when you were posting, previously--but, here goes----Do a google search for bma-wellness.com. website. Once there, read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Especially, the one titled: "Addictions, Lies, Relationships"......you will find these by clicking on the section called "Psychiatry and Wellness". I find these articles to be excellent toward understanding some of the dynamics of alcoholic thinking.
Keep in mind, however---you can't change the relationship by just trying to "understand" him. You can't fix him.
You do know that the relationship is damaging for you....and, that you have to take care of yourself, now matter what.
This is the way I look at it....both partners have had "crippled thinking"....which is why you were able to do the "dance" together....at least, until you started to make changes in yourself.....
dandylion
As for him....alcoholics often don't even know their own motivations...they don't know themselves...and, they often lie to themselves as part of their denial system. Their denial allows them to cling to their alcohol.
There is a war going on in their brains 24/7...between themselves and the "alcoholic voice" that is control of them. How can you expect to understand what is going on in his mind...when he probably has no idea himself. He probably just knows this one thing--he MUST protect his right to drink without consequences.
I don't know if I recommended this to you when you were posting, previously--but, here goes----Do a google search for bma-wellness.com. website. Once there, read the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Especially, the one titled: "Addictions, Lies, Relationships"......you will find these by clicking on the section called "Psychiatry and Wellness". I find these articles to be excellent toward understanding some of the dynamics of alcoholic thinking.
Keep in mind, however---you can't change the relationship by just trying to "understand" him. You can't fix him.
You do know that the relationship is damaging for you....and, that you have to take care of yourself, now matter what.
This is the way I look at it....both partners have had "crippled thinking"....which is why you were able to do the "dance" together....at least, until you started to make changes in yourself.....
dandylion
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