I'm getting healthy ,he broke it off

Old 04-04-2015, 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Rosalba View Post
I've been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life, and I've found several times over that when I was really starting to feel better, it was wreaking havoc with some of my relationships/friendships - and these were just generically unhealthy people, not addicts or alcoholics.

It's one of those things which professionals sometimes warn you about if you go into counselling, and although Alanon ISN'T counselling as such - if you do follow the program it's just as beneficial, if not more so.

People get used to interacting with us in a certain way, and if we no longer come up with the goods they will get resentful and lose interest. While us being healthier will open up the doors to the other person to do likewise - most people don't. As we get healthier, the relationship will either improve or it will end. Sometimes, sadly, this means that people we're very fond of will get up and leave - but if knowingly enabling someone else's addiction, fighting, being a martyr... all the rest... is a condition of being in a relationship with that person, then it's possibly not a relationship we want to be in.

And while we're involved in an unhealthy relationship, it precludes any possibility of finding one which will be better for us.

In a perverse way, it's actually affirming when we're rejected by someone who needs us to be unhealthy, even if it's quite painful at the time. So, yes, you can be relieved!

(((HUGS)))
Wow such great advise and thoughts , thank you so much , these word are exactly what I needed to hear .
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Old 04-04-2015, 08:06 PM
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Originally Posted by CarmenLove View Post
Also, no-one to stand between him and his addiction. No more need to hide. No more feeling guilty or having the contrast of having a sober person there which can only highlight his sickness.

I read somewhere the the addictive part will just clear the way of anything that stands in the way, loved ones included.

If he is in the throes of addiction it isn't even him in control if I am understanding it rightly, so it would not be rational.
Its just so sad , your words ring true . thank you
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Old 04-04-2015, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
He had probably relapsed a loooooog time before he told you.
That is what everyone keeps telling me, hard to believe but most probably true .
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Old 04-06-2015, 05:33 AM
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Hi all,
So I am actually doing ok. I have read alot about the disease of alcoholism. It turns out, maybe just maybe it has nothing to do with whether he loves me or not , whether he wants a relationship with me or not, it is that he is not capable of having any relationships. This has been proven time and again to me over the course of all these years. He has no relationship with any of his family , only his dad , who is very selfish and pulls xabf away from relationships by manipulation. My xabf feels indebted to his dad therefore he must take his dads point of view. Most of the time I feel relieved but sad, then the anxiety and self doubt creep in . I have been recognizing the feeling , and reminding myself of the truth , he does love me , he is incapable of having any relationships. My recovery was messing with him , he was jelous and could not deal with it. I feel relieved that he finally broke down and drank , not because I want him unhealthy but because he has been drunk for the last several years , just not active. I am hoping this is the begining of his "bottom" . I wish him well. I wish myself well, I can live through this short term pain , for the long term gain .. Hoping for a brighter future for myself! Much love to all Paula
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Old 04-06-2015, 05:48 AM
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It takes time, Paula, but it sounds like you're on your way. It really isn't about how much he loves you. If it was, none of us would be here! He hates himself, he resents your recovery, which is a threat to his addiction. He projects his feelings about himself onto you, and hey, that's a-holery. You can say I'm done hearing that crap, and detach, disengage, go no contact, whatever preserves your peace of mind and protects your recovery.

We're here for you, regardless. Much love to you!
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Old 04-06-2015, 09:32 AM
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It really isn't about how much he loves you. If it was, none of us would be here! He hates himself, he resents your recovery, which is a threat to his addiction. He projects his feelings about himself onto you, and hey, that's a-holery.
Wow - words I needed to hear today.

Horsegirl just wanted to chime in support. My recovery is making my ABF VERY uncomfortable... I am detaching even more. I can see how easily it would be for myself to be in your exact situation....which at this point sounds like a very big blessing! Keep up the good work!
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Old 04-06-2015, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Wow - words I needed to hear today.

Horsegirl just wanted to chime in support. My recovery is making my ABF VERY uncomfortable... I am detaching even more. I can see how easily it would be for myself to be in your exact situation....which at this point sounds like a very big blessing! Keep up the good work!
Hi Firebolt,
It is so true , as I got healthier he got worse. I will not blame myself and absolutely do not. I guess I was finally humiliated long enough and started my recovery program. I know I will grieve , however , I am not in bed unconsolable. I was unconsolable a year ago. I now know (I have to keep reminding myself) that his inability to be in a relationship had nothing to do with me , He is an alcoholic, NO alcoholic can truely have a realtionship with anything but thier obssesion with the bottle. I liken it to my obsession with him , I was beyond any help until I finally hit bottom.
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Old 04-22-2015, 12:42 PM
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Hello everyone,
I am not quite sure how many weeks, 2 or 3 it has been since I have talked with XABF. I am doing relatively well , hmm... , That means something. This week , I have been thinking about him more which kindof makes me mad. I do not want to think about him , I want to move on with my life. I have no idea what the future holds , but it is in Gods hands. I guess yesterday and today , I have slipped a little in my program, sadness , some longing , what if thinking ect.. Thankfully I have Alanon tomorrow!!!
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Old 04-22-2015, 01:49 PM
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I think that's normal - grief over a loss is odd, it pokes back up if and when it wants to. I know you have the tools to feel it, and let it go, and move on to healthier thinking!!! You sound great, and like you have a very clear view of it all!
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