danadanes

Need some help on a money dilemma. I'm worried I'm coming down on my AH too hard.

I've been sole breadwinner for 5 years since ah started addiction cycle. He went to detox in a crisis of his own drama making 6 weeks ago( was out of network) I owe them 1200. He checked himself out Ama which required physician care - an additional 480. He then decided to go to an inpatient treatment facility in network. I paid 3k for that.
He is doing great now. Feeling really strong and ready to commit. I'm reserving judgment as best I can and trying not to put my own issues with him ahead of him getting on his sober feet.

About 3 weeks in, insurance stopped paying. They worked it out so insurance paid the facility as if it were outpatient but he owes room and board out of pocket. He gets out Sunday. I told him weeks ago I wasn't paying it (another 1300). He said his mother would so I thought nothing more of it. His mom forwarded me the bill today. I said I wasn't paying. She is pissed. I told her I didn't expect her to pay either, it was ah's
problem. She pointed out rightly that he has no money. Well me neither. Despite having an excellent job, I have had 22k stolen for pills over the past year. I was told bills were paid, instead he took the money. I had to get a nanny for our kids. Etc. etc. I could use the last of some savings but frankly don't want to.

Am I being too hard. This is directly recovery related expense. Is there some unwritten rule that I have to foot the bill for that?

redatlanta

I wouldn't pay it hell no way.

Went detox out of network
He AMA'd

You told him you wouldn't pay he calls his mommy, who has no money to pay.

He already stole 22k from the family - NO - keep your savings that is for you and your CHILDREN.

Since he is doing so great he should be able to get a job and make payment arrangements with the facility.

danadanes

Yes I agree. His mom is trying to guilt me. I just need to stop letting her in my head. I don't even like her.

Twofour

My addict is my son so I'm notcsurecits the same but I am keeping a log of the depb. Rehab lawyer etc. I told him its a loan. It will not be my permanent debt. I feel that if we pay for everything what is to stop. Insanity definition. ... Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting. A different outcome......

redatlanta

Maybe its time to lay down the law with enabler MIL. Sounds like she is concerned about her son but not so much about her DIL and grandchildren.

I think its appalling that he would just have bill sent to his mother anyway with expectation for her to pay it and I bet she will even though she really doesn't have the money to.

It sounds like you have a couple thousand put back. There is your money if the car breaks down, kids get sick, you get sick, water heater breaks etc. Always keep a rainy day fund. He can make payment arrangements on his own.

danadanes

To be clear she does have money. She is doing an enormous home Reno right now and is currently deciding between the gold accent tile and the marble. However it's her money and she doesn't need to spend it to bail out her adult son.

She is a giant enabler and we are very tense right now. I have been so in the past as well and she is not reacting well to my new found spine when it comes to her son.

She gets under my skin. That's a me problem. I think I am going to have to avoid conversations with her for a while. I just can't seem to let go of my anger with her (which goes way back) and it's not helpful.

Also, he had asked her about payment for the room and board a while ago (per him). I don't know if that's true or not. But she is denying it - she is a master liar/self deluder so I don't know who to believe. But I am hard to try not to care! Not my problem and I won't let her make it mine. If she wants to take it on, that's on her.

hopeful4

Absolutely do not pay. Politely explain to her that he told you that she would pay it. If that makes her mad to take it up with him. You have paid enough. Don't cave.

Latte

He can make arrangements to pay it. It may take him years but seriously, these are things he is going to need to make right. It's part of taking responsibility for your actions. You are doing him a favor by not paying. You are giving him a chance to make amends. Part of those amends is paying off debt.

If his Mom isn't paying, good for her. Sounds like she may be taking a stand too.

Vale

It's called the COST of living for a reason. The great thing about living
in a cardboard box is that it motivates you to never want to live there again.

Twofish

Great point, dear Vale!
Who said "we are as sick as our secrets?" I know this all too well...
Danadanes, you have given your RAH soooo much already...and shall we add
up all the tears, heartaches, mistrust, sleepless nights, lies, manipulation etc, etc.
IMO, you need to look out for yourself and child(ren).
Reread what Lattes advise says...:I wish I had that
bit of advise when my bank account was drained.
Boundries=consequences=responsibility=regaining that trust back, which once it has been damaged, will take tons of effort and a chance for you husband to take a good look at his "plan" for his sobriety and an excellent time to start using those tools he has learned
while in acute treatment.
Any chance you can put ur remaining funds into one of your childrens name? Just a thought, I'm not a banker, I'm a mom, a SR member, trying to look out for you!
All my support, love and prayers, coming you're way Danadanes
And did I say... ?
TF