johnno1

Compared to most stories on here but I wanted help or advice cause your All so kind.

Husband went away with his family for 4 nights know doubt lots of celebrating and huge drinking sessions! He came home kids all so excited as they missed him he was super with them it was lovely. I notice in his car he'd had a few beers on way hm from airport. That's all he didn't carry on drinking just a few on his way home.
I really tried to not let it bother me it did I just couldn't understand after a huge drinking long weekend why he'd have a few on the way home?
I asked him why he said it's absolutely no big deal at aĺl just a few beerse.
Which I get just a few and he did stop so why the hell did it get me so angry!?

johnno1

So now he's is totally pissed off at me for coming home to a wife who is distant both emotionally and physically. He totally angry.

NWGRITS

Um, he was driving under the influence and could have killed an innocent person. That alone is enough to be upset over. And he came home to your kids after drinking. That's simply unacceptable. You have every right to be distant. How long are you willing to just sit and take this?

suki44883

If he is driving around while or after huge drinking sessions, then, yes, it is that bad. But even if that were not the case, his drinking is affecting you in a negative way, so for you, it is that bad.

You have every right to live in an addiction-free home. Your wants and desires are every bit as important as his. You do not have to live like this.

johnno1

Thank you that's so nice to hear.
I guess having 3 beers is not over the limit though but who knows he probably had beers on the plane trip too. Either way he's totally mad at me and it's all my fault cause I haven't slept with him in months, I have little respect, least now I'm getting help, thank you :-)

Duckygirl1

Any drinking while driving is over the limit. Im not sure about the laws where you live, but open cans is a no go here. A's don't have limits even if the law does. If he thinks he can get away with 3, next he can get away with 4 and so on. You know this to be true or it wouldn't bother you. He has a problem that you can't fix and have to set a boundary around to protect yourself and your children. Don't ever feel bad about that

maybear

Hi johnno! Isn't that kinda serious? As in, he has lapsed.
I would be really upset too but moreso in his response to the drinking and you. Won't it just get worse from here on in if he doesn't address it now and get some help? Sounds like he thinks it's no big deal.

hopeful4

Um...it only takes a few to be impaired and kill someone. Geez....are people just blind. And, he could end up in jail! So yup, it is a big deal. He is trying to push your line of what is wrong and right back through manipulation.

XXX

johnno1

Yes thanks so much he is still not talking to me because if it . And he is so angry because I don't want to touch him. Wow when your own eyes are open its quite amazing what you really see.

shil2587

Three beers is absolutely over the limit! He came home drunk to his kids, having driven home drunk. Expecting you to put out! Then sulks like a child. You are absolutely right to feel angry. You have every right to. Now, what can you do about it? I would suggest talking to him when he's sober if he's more open to it then. At least you have a right to have your feelings heard.

Gonnachange

He's made at YOU? Bu**s**t. He was the one drinking and driving.

The suggestion to talk with him when he's sober and hopefully in a more rational state of mind is a good one. For the sake of you, him, your children, and any innocent person who may have been injured while he was driving there needs to be a discussion of why such behavior is not okay.

FireSprite

Just fyi - 3 beers in less than 3 hours would put ME over the limit, no doubt.

It's actually surprising how little it takes to be considered "over the limit" but I know from experience that active, alcoholic drinkers don't tend to appear as inebriated on smaller amounts. Just because a person doesn't act over the limit doesn't mean that they aren't.

atalose

For the same reason you are emotionally and physically distant towards him………..alcoholism and the affects it is having on both of you as individuals and as a married couple.

Passive – aggressive behaviors are over flowing because the main issues from “drinking” have taken over and hold center stage.

lillamy

Oh, there's always someone who has it WORSE. I told myself that for years. That it could be worse and therefore, I shouldn't complain. I mean, he hadn't poked my eyes out or killed anyone.

Please, please, please don't downplay the pain you're feeling because you're thinking there might be other people who have it worse. We're SO incredibly good at doing that, us codies -- and it doesn't help.

And for what it's worth, a guy who drives drunk after a weekend of binging and comes home drunk to his kids? I think that's worth being upset about. Very upset.

johnno1

Thank you all, I've had him speak absolutely horrible to me and me as a wife how he's sick of me so much and my negativity and told me some truths on what I'm doing wrong, which i had no idea he thought these things, of course drinking was not mentioned. Though I noticed one beer in his hand, maybe it is me, our marriage not his drinking I am a bitch to live with I'm hardly a loving wife
grrr I was doing so well.
I never argued I just listened, I said it sounds like you have a lot of issues with me , I asked him what he wants to do about and he said it's in my court now

I'm so lost darn it thanks for letting me vent :-)

NWGRITS

It isn't you! Stop trying to pin this on yourself. He is an alcoholic. You could be June Flipping Cleaver and he'd still drink. This has absolutely zero with whether or not you're a good wife. He's manipulating you, and you're buying it. You cannot make someone drink or act this way. You simply aren't that powerful. None of us are!

johnno1

Thanks I know I don't make him drink I definitely know this! i dont know if hes manipulated me I think he generally thinks this I'm thinking is he hates me because I not a loving wife . Period. I'm not a loving wife I know this.
He even told his dad I'm cold with him because he had 2 beers while driving, he's never involved him in any of our problems before, of course his dad thinks I'm silly for this too as its no big deal.

dandylion

johnno.....LOL!...I think that it would be a good thing if you would pull up the thread called "Quackers"....and read some of it. (if you haven't, already). You will see what things other spouses say and do when the subject of their drinking is brought up.

A very, very common thing that they will do is to shift blame onto someone else (you) to take the spotlight off of themselves. They want to focus to be on YOU. It is called "deflecting".
Deflecting is a type of manipulation.

When we are being manipulated....we can often "sense" it, because it can arouse angry feelings....even if we are not sure exactly how we are being manipulated----especially if the manipulator is very skillful....

It is one of the most common tools that the alcoholic has. And, it often works very well (for them).

LOL!...it is working quite well for your husband because he has you wringing your hands and wondering about yourself and not seeing alcoholism as the central problem, here.
He is getting off this one like a slick fox. He has even drug his dad into it: "See how silly and nagging my wife is, dad. I don't drink very much."

dandylion

redatlanta

I'd be furious - because if he gets a DUI its 10k. That's if he gets lucky and doesn't kill someone.

Its the risk potential he exposes the whole family too. I expect an explanation like that would fall on deaf ears, or defense of how "little" he had been drinking.

johnno1

You know I can lol now!

I couldn't before I seriously believed him, I really did, I don't wk I stay home with kids, he went on how all I do is spend his money cook and clean and do nothing for him, he took the credit card off me today, he's so angry I don't what to do!! ..??
He said it's up to me now, do I just ignore it ...and be happy or do I talk more and tell him I know he has a problem?? I don't know!