Is He a Dry Drunk?
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 59
Is He a Dry Drunk?
Hello to all,
My husband has been sober now for going on five years. Hard to believe. The first year was great. We were living in a small town and we were very dialed into the AA community, and he had a great sponsor. We have moved twice since then and he basically has not been active in AA since that first year. And let me just say, I don't know how many of our marital troubles are connected to his lack of a program. I tend to think many of them are, but I could be entirely wrong. We just completed an intensive marriage retreat and six follow-up Saturdays and yet the same BS still prevails, and I can't help but wonder if a lot of it would be relieved if he was working a program. I know, I know...how perfectly codependent of me to say that! I have been trying to get involved in an Al-Anon group here, but I definitely don't go enough. I work full time, have a three year old, and I'm in grad school, so go easy on me.
I graduate in May and hope to more full commit myself to the Saturday morning meeting I like and FINALLY reaching out for a sponsor. I am going to go tonight to an entirely new one, even though I don't feel like it, because I know I need it. Because I'm having a real SH*T day, after yet another argument with SO this morning. And I'm dying to say to him, "Will you please go to a meeting today?" It's his only day off. His only opportunity to do so this week. And he hasn't been in many, many months. I often find him irritable, defensive, and sometimes he seems more like my adversary than my friend. And I'm just BROKEN UP about it. When we try to communicate, nothing I say is received well. I just feel so defeated. Like all the counseling, the marital retreat...none of it is working. He just seems to have a big chip on his should and I'M SO SICK OF IT. Naturally, I'm not perfect either and this is a one sided version of the story. But he's so easy to set off and then we don't know how to reset. He just seems so delicate, his ego. Hyper critical of everyone. I don't know y'all....I'm just full of complaints and criticisms today and feeling so lost. Am I allowed to say a thing about his lack of recovery and not going to meetings? All he will hear is criticism. I worry that I can't sustain a marriage with a man who has such a delicate ego, so easily threatened by others, critical and judgmental, defensive, and the saddest part....full of self loathing (the foundational issues that feeds the rest)? I'm trying here, but sometimes I feel like I'm grasping at straws. I thought we had made progress and these constant flare ups have me feeling otherwise.
I'm going to therapy. I try to go to Al-Anon when I can. I finally confronted my father about his drinking, a HUGE moment for me. I read lots of self help books. I mean, I'm trying to also hold myself accountable. And put my ugly spots in the sun. And grow. Yet, all he ever hears when I speak is criticism. Just don't know how to come together with him in his current state. Is emotional intimacy possible with an addict who is not in recovery???
My husband has been sober now for going on five years. Hard to believe. The first year was great. We were living in a small town and we were very dialed into the AA community, and he had a great sponsor. We have moved twice since then and he basically has not been active in AA since that first year. And let me just say, I don't know how many of our marital troubles are connected to his lack of a program. I tend to think many of them are, but I could be entirely wrong. We just completed an intensive marriage retreat and six follow-up Saturdays and yet the same BS still prevails, and I can't help but wonder if a lot of it would be relieved if he was working a program. I know, I know...how perfectly codependent of me to say that! I have been trying to get involved in an Al-Anon group here, but I definitely don't go enough. I work full time, have a three year old, and I'm in grad school, so go easy on me.
I graduate in May and hope to more full commit myself to the Saturday morning meeting I like and FINALLY reaching out for a sponsor. I am going to go tonight to an entirely new one, even though I don't feel like it, because I know I need it. Because I'm having a real SH*T day, after yet another argument with SO this morning. And I'm dying to say to him, "Will you please go to a meeting today?" It's his only day off. His only opportunity to do so this week. And he hasn't been in many, many months. I often find him irritable, defensive, and sometimes he seems more like my adversary than my friend. And I'm just BROKEN UP about it. When we try to communicate, nothing I say is received well. I just feel so defeated. Like all the counseling, the marital retreat...none of it is working. He just seems to have a big chip on his should and I'M SO SICK OF IT. Naturally, I'm not perfect either and this is a one sided version of the story. But he's so easy to set off and then we don't know how to reset. He just seems so delicate, his ego. Hyper critical of everyone. I don't know y'all....I'm just full of complaints and criticisms today and feeling so lost. Am I allowed to say a thing about his lack of recovery and not going to meetings? All he will hear is criticism. I worry that I can't sustain a marriage with a man who has such a delicate ego, so easily threatened by others, critical and judgmental, defensive, and the saddest part....full of self loathing (the foundational issues that feeds the rest)? I'm trying here, but sometimes I feel like I'm grasping at straws. I thought we had made progress and these constant flare ups have me feeling otherwise. I'm going to therapy. I try to go to Al-Anon when I can. I finally confronted my father about his drinking, a HUGE moment for me. I read lots of self help books. I mean, I'm trying to also hold myself accountable. And put my ugly spots in the sun. And grow. Yet, all he ever hears when I speak is criticism. Just don't know how to come together with him in his current state. Is emotional intimacy possible with an addict who is not in recovery???
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
If things were better when he was with AA a return may seem like the logical answer.
However he obviously left for some reason. Perhaps the program was not all to his liking.
With all due respect to AA I have met members who haven't drank for decades, but still have many other personal/social problems.
Could be an area other than is heavy drinking that is acting as a stressor.
However he obviously left for some reason. Perhaps the program was not all to his liking.
With all due respect to AA I have met members who haven't drank for decades, but still have many other personal/social problems.
Could be an area other than is heavy drinking that is acting as a stressor.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I hate to say it but if you two have done extensive couple therapy work and he is not drinking on the sly, it could just be that you two have grown too far apart and are not compatible anymore.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like a dry drunk. When my first husband moved across the country, he sort of "fell away" from AA. He stayed sober. Our older son got into a HORRIBLE jam (personal/legal) and my ex was beside himself. I asked him (on the phone--I was just getting ready to fly out to deal with this emergency) whether he had called anyone from the program. He hadn't, but he did. Today he's been sober for 35 years, and he often credits me for giving him that reminder. He's very active today, and more emotionally balanced than most people I know.
Have you talked to him about it? Not in a lecture-y kind of way, but more in a concerned spouse kind of way? Maybe tell him that since he quit going he just seems to be out of sorts? Maybe ask if there's a reason he dropped away from it?
I don't think that's at all out of line. Haranguing him about it or bringing it up every other day would be inappropriate, I think, but something is clearly up.
Have you talked to him about it? Not in a lecture-y kind of way, but more in a concerned spouse kind of way? Maybe tell him that since he quit going he just seems to be out of sorts? Maybe ask if there's a reason he dropped away from it?
I don't think that's at all out of line. Haranguing him about it or bringing it up every other day would be inappropriate, I think, but something is clearly up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Your post makes me think of another similar one a few months ago... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ars-sober.html At five years sober I would think that any behavior that was directly attributable to alcohol itself would be gone. I'm the one in recovery in my relationship. Honestly I have many character defects I need to work on however those same character defects existed prior to my four year addiction to alcohol. I would bet that the same is the case with your husband. You want self actualization, personal growth, not just "not drinking" and it is my feeling that this is the case with so many folks on this board. AA and the like are useful tools to facilitate this process however like addiction itself the rest of the package is not something you can force either. IMHO what you see right now is what you're getting, has nothing to do with his alcoholism and all to do with who he is. You can decide to stick around or chose to change your own reactions to his behavior. In my case I have realized that many of my personality characteristics, being married to a co-dependent and the tendency to cave in, retreat or blow up but not set my own boundaries were the very thing that attributed in large part to my addiction. I'm now working on these character issues as part of my recovery. That said I"m not sure there's much else to do other than decide to accept him as he is or decide if this is how you really want to live. I suspect that given the current pattern he could be sober for 30 years and he'd still be behaving the same way.
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