signs that he is ready to be sober?
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signs that he is ready to be sober?
I am mostly trying to keep myself out of this equation with my xabf for whatever it is he is doing about tackling sobriety. But of course, I wondered, how would I even know if he IS doing anything at all about getting sober if I am not there to see it?
I think I finally figured that one out, and it brought up some other interesting things for me, personally.
If he was ready to get sober, there would be actions, right?
He "tried" to go to what we thought was an AA gathering last weekend. It ended up being church in the park. lol... He didn't mind it really (I went with him so I could meet some of his friends that were there), but this was NOT an AA meeting. (dang it! lol) Oh well, maybe he'll try again another time... maybe he won't....
What I figured out is that there can be a lot of talk, and even real want to get sober with no action, even if there is intention. I figured out that he would probably be putting more space between him and I if he were actively seeking sobriety. He would be getting nice and selfish with himself and I would literally be on hold. He isn't doing that. He seems, to me, to be more concerned about really losing me than he is about losing himself to one more day of alcoholism. Isn't that crazy what a catch 22 that is? He LOSES me every drink he takes. I get more and more comfortable with the reality that he just isn't ready yet.
The other thing this brought up for me is codependent stuff about how I react to space. Let's say he did push me away to give himself room to grow... How would I handle that? Am I confident enough in my self love that I can fair all that space and relax? I don't think I'm there yet. He is about to deploy. I won't hear from him for weeks, understandably, and then when I do, it'll be the middle of the night for myself as it will be morning for him, and there goes all my stupid anxiety that seems to be connected to late night drunk and/or emergency calls or texts from him. Now that's a catch 22! Haha... What the heck am I going to do with myself? What do I want to do to take responsibility for my own feelings, and MY choices? I feel like I am going to freak out while he is gone, and my mind will start racing about things that he is or isn't doing (obsession), and my behavior is just going to drive him away anyway, or at the very least, it will remain unhealthy for the both of us. Life just loves to keep throwing these little challenges at us, doesn't it?
This is more than just filling my time with positive healthy things. I do that just fine. It is more than just putting healthy boundaries between him and I. THAT has been a struggle, but I am workin it! This is more than figuring out what I will accept and not accept.
This is that clock ticking in my head and the swing of the pendulum catching momentum that I can't seem to stop. Meditation and breathing exercises are the only things I can come up with to help me in the moment. But there's more... There is actively telling myself that I can't and shouldn't make assumptions, and that most of my assumptions are based on past hurts anyway. It is actively telling myself that what I am feeling is just that--- a feeling, and it will pass. It is trying to find new tools, inside myself, that counteract all the anxiety and racing thoughts that take over my mind. I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts...
I think I finally figured that one out, and it brought up some other interesting things for me, personally.
If he was ready to get sober, there would be actions, right?
He "tried" to go to what we thought was an AA gathering last weekend. It ended up being church in the park. lol... He didn't mind it really (I went with him so I could meet some of his friends that were there), but this was NOT an AA meeting. (dang it! lol) Oh well, maybe he'll try again another time... maybe he won't....
What I figured out is that there can be a lot of talk, and even real want to get sober with no action, even if there is intention. I figured out that he would probably be putting more space between him and I if he were actively seeking sobriety. He would be getting nice and selfish with himself and I would literally be on hold. He isn't doing that. He seems, to me, to be more concerned about really losing me than he is about losing himself to one more day of alcoholism. Isn't that crazy what a catch 22 that is? He LOSES me every drink he takes. I get more and more comfortable with the reality that he just isn't ready yet.
The other thing this brought up for me is codependent stuff about how I react to space. Let's say he did push me away to give himself room to grow... How would I handle that? Am I confident enough in my self love that I can fair all that space and relax? I don't think I'm there yet. He is about to deploy. I won't hear from him for weeks, understandably, and then when I do, it'll be the middle of the night for myself as it will be morning for him, and there goes all my stupid anxiety that seems to be connected to late night drunk and/or emergency calls or texts from him. Now that's a catch 22! Haha... What the heck am I going to do with myself? What do I want to do to take responsibility for my own feelings, and MY choices? I feel like I am going to freak out while he is gone, and my mind will start racing about things that he is or isn't doing (obsession), and my behavior is just going to drive him away anyway, or at the very least, it will remain unhealthy for the both of us. Life just loves to keep throwing these little challenges at us, doesn't it?
This is more than just filling my time with positive healthy things. I do that just fine. It is more than just putting healthy boundaries between him and I. THAT has been a struggle, but I am workin it! This is more than figuring out what I will accept and not accept.
This is that clock ticking in my head and the swing of the pendulum catching momentum that I can't seem to stop. Meditation and breathing exercises are the only things I can come up with to help me in the moment. But there's more... There is actively telling myself that I can't and shouldn't make assumptions, and that most of my assumptions are based on past hurts anyway. It is actively telling myself that what I am feeling is just that--- a feeling, and it will pass. It is trying to find new tools, inside myself, that counteract all the anxiety and racing thoughts that take over my mind. I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts...
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If a drunk falls into an AA meeting in the woods, and no one is there to see it, does he still get sober? Hmmm...
I'm not quite sure of the status of your relationship (maybe you aren't, either). You refer to him as an "x" but you are going to a "supposed to be an AA gathering" with him, and worrying about what he will be doing about his drinking while he's deployed.
Maybe it's best to just end it here and now, and tell him he can look you up when he gets back, PROVIDED he's been sober for six months or so? Maybe you'll meet someone else. Maybe he will.
I don't know how long he's going to be deployed but it seems sort of unpleasant to be in some limbo state where you are all stressed out about this relationship that may never amount to a healthy thing for you.
I'm not quite sure of the status of your relationship (maybe you aren't, either). You refer to him as an "x" but you are going to a "supposed to be an AA gathering" with him, and worrying about what he will be doing about his drinking while he's deployed.
Maybe it's best to just end it here and now, and tell him he can look you up when he gets back, PROVIDED he's been sober for six months or so? Maybe you'll meet someone else. Maybe he will.
I don't know how long he's going to be deployed but it seems sort of unpleasant to be in some limbo state where you are all stressed out about this relationship that may never amount to a healthy thing for you.
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woah... only one comment and I somehow managed to present the wrong point here.
Sorry Lexie, I was really only pointing to myself and my own work here. About the incessant mind chatter. If I wasn't obsessing over him, I would be doing it to the next guy. I am going to ruin things if I can't get a hold on this. That is what this post is about. How circumstances are begging me to grow. Sure, I could go NC, but that's not really necessary. I have very clear boundaries with him, especially with his drinking. And he knows I am not "waiting around" as I am actively making changes in my life to ensure that I move forward. But I love him. Make no mistake, I am not ashamed to admit that I love an alcoholic. Of course I have hope. Don't we all? When I get tired of thinking that he might do something about it, then my heart will begin to change. For now, I'm not ready to do that. And I'm not going to predict what is going to happen. I am making my own dreams and my own path to follow that does not include him, no matter what he chooses. I have many alcoholic friends, and a few friends who are ex boyfriends, and all is well with it. I'm just not one who can say to another human being, "you suck for your choices, get away from me", unless they have truly done something to hurt me, which he hasn't.
Online communication is difficult to get perspective on, I know that. It's okay really, but it is hard to convey all of that. Thanx for continuing to check in on my posts Lexie; you seem to be the only one doing it anymore....
Your quote about the AA in the woods things is hilarious btw.
Sorry Lexie, I was really only pointing to myself and my own work here. About the incessant mind chatter. If I wasn't obsessing over him, I would be doing it to the next guy. I am going to ruin things if I can't get a hold on this. That is what this post is about. How circumstances are begging me to grow. Sure, I could go NC, but that's not really necessary. I have very clear boundaries with him, especially with his drinking. And he knows I am not "waiting around" as I am actively making changes in my life to ensure that I move forward. But I love him. Make no mistake, I am not ashamed to admit that I love an alcoholic. Of course I have hope. Don't we all? When I get tired of thinking that he might do something about it, then my heart will begin to change. For now, I'm not ready to do that. And I'm not going to predict what is going to happen. I am making my own dreams and my own path to follow that does not include him, no matter what he chooses. I have many alcoholic friends, and a few friends who are ex boyfriends, and all is well with it. I'm just not one who can say to another human being, "you suck for your choices, get away from me", unless they have truly done something to hurt me, which he hasn't.
Online communication is difficult to get perspective on, I know that. It's okay really, but it is hard to convey all of that. Thanx for continuing to check in on my posts Lexie; you seem to be the only one doing it anymore....
Your quote about the AA in the woods things is hilarious btw.
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Well, my only thought is that it's a little hard to figure out, from your posts, how to be helpful and supportive because it's not completely clear (or it wasn't--your last post shed some light on it) what your goals are.
And I totally get loving an alcoholic and worrying/wondering what will become of him and of the relationship. And I'm sure the distance does make that feel more difficult. On the other hand, you really have no choice but to stay out of his business for the time being. So my suggestion is to use this time apart to really get OK with LemonGirl, whether she winds up with her sober alcoholic or whether she eventually decides to follow a separate path.
Hugs, sorry for any misunderstanding.
And I totally get loving an alcoholic and worrying/wondering what will become of him and of the relationship. And I'm sure the distance does make that feel more difficult. On the other hand, you really have no choice but to stay out of his business for the time being. So my suggestion is to use this time apart to really get OK with LemonGirl, whether she winds up with her sober alcoholic or whether she eventually decides to follow a separate path.
Hugs, sorry for any misunderstanding.
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Awe... thanx! I think you're right about using this time to keep working on me. It seems like the perfect opportunity to do so.
And yes, I say this like a mantra to myself, "It's none of my business what he is doing." Letting go is hard.
And yes, I say this like a mantra to myself, "It's none of my business what he is doing." Letting go is hard.
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I enjoyed reading your post. I too struggle with the same mindset. I get periods of extreme anxiety. For example, I woke up this morning sweating and my mind was racing with thoughts about him. What he's doing, who he's with, etc. I can't help that my brain does this but I CAN choose what actions to take when this happens. As much as I'd like to go ahead and call when my mind does this to me, I know that it is not the logical action. It'll only create more anxiety, stress, turmoil, what have you. I am working on these same anxieties. Hugs to you, it'll get better from here!❤️
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NYC, I'm sorry... But I have confused things by this post. I said, I generally do NOT concern myself with what he is doing with his sobriety, but I did wonder how I would even know if he was sober or not, and that THAT question brought up some interesting thoughts and things to practice for myself. I was referring to myself and my own necessary work.
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