losteverything

I have been still been fighting this disease. On and off.. thinking maybe I can, but mostly I cant. I have to confess, I don't know how to live sober. Everyday nothing to numb the pain, nothing to just get out side of myself. I keep trying. I get a month, 2 months, 8 months sober. Its not that I do now want it, its because I hate who I am. I think I am just damaged goods.

Anna

You are not damaged goods. When you've had periods of sobriety for say 8 months, what other changes have you made in your life besides stopping drinking? For me, alcohol was the symptom, it was what I used to self-medicate. I had to deal with the underlying issues in order to thrive.

KeepTruckin

I have those feelings, too, sometimes. Is there anyone you can reach out to for support? AA or a therapist? It sounds like you have a lot on your mind.

And you can fight it And when you do, you will start to feel better and less like damaged goods. I have to remind myself that feeling bad is part of life, but so is feeling good. Feeling drunk made me feel awful or nothing at all, so I'll take the bad and good over that. I hope you can start to see that you're worth more than you seem to be giving yourself credit for.

least

When I was drinking, I felt like a waste of oxygen. It took some major changes in my attitude to get to a point where I felt good about myself. It took a while, but was worth the wait.

Opivotal

((lost)) So happy to see you back. I've been thinking of you.

Anna hit the nail on the head, it was the same for me.

Never give up, my friend. We're here to support you.

Soberwolf

Completly agree with Opivotal & the above posters you are not damaged goods your awesome you just dont know it yet

Keep trying, write up a rock solid sobriety plan and lean on us whenever you need

(((Lost)))

thomas11

Hi losteverything, I see you joined this site in 2006 so it appears you've been struggling for awhile. As others have said, you are certainly not damaged goods etc... But you are still trying, and that does matter. I don't have any solid advice for you other than the fact that I see you are still plugging away at sobriety, and you are worth it.

losteverything

It is about how I feel inside. It is a terrible waste of life, but I hate who I am. Living inside a shell who should feel grateful, not empty. I just don't know anymore. Sober sucks. Drunk sucks more, but costs me a lot more money. I got buy things. They make me happy for 15 minutes. I have everything a guy could want, yet I am not happy. Doctors give me anti depressants. Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Zopaclone for sleeping. They say I should talk to a therapist. I cant even talk with anyone, why would talking to someone who only does it for money help?

losteverything

Anna.. there are things inside me that I cant open up. That is why I drink. I do not want to wake up that monster. I am a pretty good guy. what is inside me, isn't so good.
I wonder if my whole life will be struggling. Am I the only one who has so much self hatred? I see people, they are all happy. I can be in a room full of people, and feel desperately alone.

losteverything

damaged goods. Not worth anything, really. worthless. I know it. I just suck things in, mostly alcohol.

KeepTruckin

Not all therapists are just in it for money. A lot of them do have a real desire to help people and many addiction counselors have been through their own struggles. It sounds like you weren't happy with the previous help you got but maybe shopping around for someone you like would be a good investment?

I'm really sorry to hear how tough it is for you and I hope you can find some outlet here.

losteverything

if anyone has been anally raped as a 6 year old, and have his mother close the door so she doesn't need to hear it.. then we have something in common. until then, I self medicate. They even brought me to therapist to talk about it, while I had stiches in my bum..

tokidoki

Losteverything, just skimmed through your posts and see that you are beating yourself needlessly.Because of my messed-up mind, I believed at one point the I was less worthy to live than Hitler (at least he had painted some decent things). Crazy thinking, but nevertheless it was my reality. It took a professional (shrink) in my case, to set me straight. Yup, I'm an alcoholic but I now realize that my life is worth living and I do indeed have a lot to give. You do too ! You are posting here and that means a lot. Please believe that there are a lot of people who believe in you. We have your back as much as we can. Please, please believe that you are worthy.

losteverything

This is all coming back to me slowly.. I blocked it out. I do not want to open it all up. I drink because I feel worthless.

tokidoki

No, no no! You are not unworthy. Please take it from a middle-aged lady up here in the driftless zone... You are greatly worthy. You have an issue that is eating away at your soul. It needs to be taken away so that you can realize it. But in the meantime, all these wonderful people at SR have your back. We care about you very much.

Thepatman

You have a lot of pain inside. Speaking about it is helpful. What happened to you as a child is horrible, and pure evil.

That being said, you are precious. Your life and what you contribute for being here cannot be weighted. You made a difference in my life tonight.

Bless you, keep your chin up and let's kick this addiction's azz together. As for the therapist, give it a shot. Nothing to be shamed of. They are trained and know what to do.

Prayers your Way

losteverything

slowly remembering things. my father raping me anally. my mother shutting the door so she couldn't hear... I am so worthless. Yeah, I get it, poor me poor me, pour me another drink. I know all this. like I said, damaged goods. I will never be any good for anybody.

losteverything

so tired of crying. I cry all the time. 10 times a day, and don't know why. I just cry.

losteverything

I was just a kid. 6 years old. ****, this isn't going to get any better. no therapy or counselling is going to change what I became during those years...

Thepatman

Crying is good man. But if you drink, and like me, I could have cried 10 000 years, but never could have start healing. Crying is good, but you need to catalyze it to move forward.
What happened to you is evil, but you can start healing with treatment.

There won't be a quick fix for this, and as many of us, Alcohol certainly is not the solution.
But with hard work, everyone can heal.