tokidoki

Nothing can take away the horrible things that happened to you. I too cry thinking about what you have endured. But believe me, dear losteverything, you*can* get over this. It may seem like an insurmountable mountain, but you *can* do it. I am praying for you and sending all possible good vibes your way.

tokidoki

And yes, must second what Thepatman says, cry away. You feel pain and it won't be taken away by intellectual pondering. Please, just feel what you need, and if you can, seek help from those who can indeed help you.

Thepatman

Lastly, I have to put my son to bed.

Not going to outline my own life and what I have been trough. But I can tell you one thing. I refuse to give up. Life hits me, I say bring more. Why? Not sure sometimes. Perhaps deep down inside, I hope that when I meet my creator after I pass, that throughout my struggles, trough my sins, my failures, my victories, that he will believe me when I tell him that I did my dam best to fight trough life.

Maybe then, I will rest for eternity and have my spot on the beach in heaven. Share a non-Alcoholic drink with my creator.

Your spot is there also, just grab life by the horns and give it your all. You got this!!!!

losteverything

Patman. your words just sent me back in to tears. I know drinking is not good. I want to be sober. I do not know how to live a sober life. I am completely busted up inside. obviously, I have struggled with this for years. I do not know what heal me. I also have depression. If I see my doctor, he will take my drivers licence away. I don't know how to help me. I have 3 houses, 3 cars, a good job. why do I feel so empty?

losteverything

I probably need more help than I thought.. I am hesitant, because no matter how much we talk about it, it will not change my past.. I have repressed so much. Its slowly leaking out now, and I cry all the time...

EndGameNYC

I can only imagine how excruciating your pain was and continues to be. Staying put will only add to your suffering.

I've treated many people with childhood abuse and abuse suffered later in life. One woman endured near-constant bullying as a child, being called things like "Frankenstein" because of her cleft lip. Her siblings were in on it too, and I don't recall, or she didn't tell me, whether or not her parents ever intervened on her behalf, or made things worse.

I was called to see her when she was suicidal. She revealed to me that the "neighborhood kids" eventually tied her up and set her on fire, and she lived her life since that moment with additional and obvious disfigurement. She told me that she was depressed her entire life, that she didn't know what it was to be happy, or just to feel okay.

Sometimes the best therapy is to listen, to bear witness to someone's suffering. To help people feel less alone, to alleviate self-hatred born of violence.

Crying is often the beginning of healing, the crumbling of the walls of protection that we naturally build in defense of such an horrific act. When repression abandons us, a great deal of pain often ensues. Self-medicating runs its course, only becoming a thing that used to "work."

I hope you can find it within yourself to at least make an appointment to talk to someone about what's going on. You don't need to go through this all alone.

URNotAlone1986

I hurts me to hear you use the term damaged goods in reference to yourself because I remember how I felt when I thought that way of myself. But, like previously stated, I had to identify what was making me feel like I needed to drink, what made me feel worthless and I couldn't live soberly. My issue was, I really wasn't satisfied with who I was and my life when I was sober. So, during my sobriety I inventoried what "REALLY" made life worth living and brought me fulfillment. Hope this helps.

Dee74

I'm so very sorry for what happened to you in the past, LE.
I really don't think drinking is an effective treatment tho.

All drinking does is mask the pain for a while - if we're lucky.
The wound remain, red and raw, stinging to the touch.

There's no dealing with anything when you're drinking.

It took me a long time to get over my issues - they're not exactly the same as yours, but I carried them for 40 years nonetheless.

Getting to deal with those things was a long process and yeah sometimes it was painful. It was a lot less painful than I'd convinced myself it would be tho...and it was no more painful that it was when I drank to numb out the pain.

There's a lot of support here...and finding the right counsellor can really help too

The bottom line is, just because we had bad things done to us doesn't make us bad

You seem like a good kind decent person. You're obviously very strong to have carried this around for so long and not self destructed.

I think tho there comes a time when we have to lay the burden down and decide to let the hurting stop.

Part of that means not numbing the wound anymore. It's a leap of faith, I know - but it's a leap I'm glad I made, cos freedom lies on the other side

Reach out and ask for some help, losteverything - you deserve it

D

Fly N Buy

The hottest fires in Hell are not hot enough for those who commit the greatest of evils. I have no great insight or words of wisdom for you. I am sorry those that were entrusted to care for you hurt you so badly. They will be judged

As a survivor I hope you find peace and sanity. You can help so many.....

Thepatman

Just woke up and wanted to check on you. Having abundance and 3 cars and 3 houses is great. You worked hard for them. Try to remember that the important thing in life cannot be found in material things. Why not just have one home instead of 3 houses? That home becomes your sanctuary, decorate it with things you like. For me it's plants.

That being said, leave no stone unturned. This is your life, you can rebuild it from ground up. Not sure why your doctor would take your license for depression, but if this can fix your mental state. Why not? Might as well walk happy than drive in mental torture?

I have to get my day going, please PM me anytime you need to chat. I have my phone with me so will catch you. Make a plan to drop the bottle, please?

Rock on, chin up, we got this

losteverything

Its funny. I only admitted that online. While drunk. I am sober now, but I still do not want to wake that beast.

losteverything

damaged goods. Not happy sober, miserable drunk.

Bmac

You are much stronger and more powerful than you give yourself credit. You are my hero because you are still here, not giving up, reaching out, taking a risk. It is men like you who have lived through horrors yet found a way to overcome them. When you get through this, and you will, you will be an inspiration to countless people. The fact that you are still here is an inspiration to me, reminding me that nothing is impossible to overcome.

Dee74

I think all of us can identify with that damaged goods feeling.

We really do have the power not to carry that burden around for the rest of our lives.

We have the capacity for change and the will and determination to be happy and content.

We can write a new ending for our story. You can see it here everyday LE.

There's absolutely no reason why you can't be a part of this too - if you want to be

D

chicory

Losteverything ,

My heart breaks for you, and that little child who was wronged so unspeakably. You should have been protected , cherished, and loved, but instead the parents were sick,sick people.

I am glad that you shared what happened, because its a start. You deserve to love yourself.. this wasn't your fault, an innocent child betrayed .

You are not damaged goods. You are a hurting person, and it must be very hard to heal by yourself. Please, find some counselling. with a job, you probably have insurance which will pay for it. You have been brave your whole life, too brave, and its time to grieve, cry, find understanding and realize you are worth everything. People care. and you can get help so you can let people in, to care. normal people don't do those heinous things. If you can reach down deeply and deal with this, it won't have power over you for ever.

I am so so sorry. You can make sure that no one every hurts the 'child' inside you, ever again. But please, you are hurting yourself with the alcohol. It may numb the pain for a while, but it just makes you feel badly about yourself later, and you don't need that.. you need to work on realizing your precious value.

PurpleKnight

You can do this, you can draw a line in the sand, and turn a corner!!

We all have the power to write a new chapter to our futures, a happier one!!

zvang

drink water , pray . yoga

what im thinking is to enjoy or cope with depression and numbness instead of panic attacks
even if its taking alot of time . at least your kinfa stable . you know who you are when you wake up sober .

zvang

and by the way im kinda depressed now . but not in panic . not feeling the hourly changes in my brain . and this is million time better . than the time my heart handling alcohol