newlife15

Hi everyone. I'm having a rough day. It's only 7am and I've thought for hours already. ugh. I hate that I can't drink in moderation. I hate that I feel I need to drink to have fun, feel socially confident, enjoy any activity. I hate that I am this unhealthy person who makes booze such a priority in my life when I have this beautiful family that I should be putting first! Why can't I only choose to drink when there's a celebration or simply occasionally? I literally feel like I NEED it every couple of days. I can not let this go any further. I am better than this and my life is more valuable than that. I miss the old more active ME. Nothing even has to happen for me to feel this dreadful depression the day after. I know I drive sometimes when I am iffy, I get way more chatty and that's not really a good thing, I black out almost every time I drink. Luckily I really only have drinks at home so I just go to bed and nothing much happens during my blackout (per my hubby). But seriously.......IM BLACKING OUT. It's embarrassing! UGH. I want to crawl in a hole for a while til I feel stronger. This kind of change is HARD. I want to not be addicted to alcohol but I also struggle to want to fully quit. I know I can't just have a few so clearly I have to quit.

Dee74

I think most of us know how you feel, newlife.

I didn't want to stop drinking - I just wanted the bad stuff to stop happening.

Unfortunately I couldn't have one without the other.

I could be who I wanted to be, or I could drink. It was a basic choice.

The funny thing was, once I made the choice to stop drinking something amazing happened.

I thought not drinking would be an end, a punishment, a deprivation.
Instead it was a beginning, a freedom and a genuine gift that keeps on giving.

I don't expect you to fully believe me right now - the early days are rough...but if you can get through those, stay focused and have faith, you'll find those gifts too, I promise.

I wouldn't still be sober 8 years later if being sober sucked

D

doggonecarl

I drank daily for thirty five years. Quitting was something I didn't want to do. I tried everything to keep drinking, to convince myself that it was something I liked, something I wanted to do. But the truth was, I needed to drink. So I decided to quit.

The last quit was different than all the previous quits, when my head wasn't in it, when I didn't understand the lengths my addiction would go to make me fail. When I quit in 2010, I wanted sobriety.

If you want it, you can have it. But you have to get past the early struggle of thinking you can't live with alcohol. You can.

anattaboy

From here it seems so simple (quit) but I DO remember what it was like to be THERE. Best wishes on getting a detox plan together and following through.

BernieE

The day after for me always meant anxiety, depression and shame.
What can you do that you haven't been doing to get you off this treadmill? Most of us need support, accountability and a solid plan of activities to replace drinking time. In the early days I was glued to SR and devoured books on women and sobriety.
You can do this, new life. You deserve it.

newlife15

I think that's a big part of my problem. SUPPORT! I have no sober friends. I have no sober family to be honest. I did quit working at the bar because that was making me drink even more. I think a hobby would help. Possibly try an AA meeting too. Possibly a counselor.

ccam1973

Newlife, what Dee said exactly. just replace Dee's awesome 8 year achievement with my much, much shorter 246 days.

I felt the same way you do now. All I can tell you is with work and dedication, sobriety is yours. After decades of heavy, daily drinking, my new life is so much better, I'm so much happier, so much healthier, fewer meaningless fights with my wife and kids, I now enjoy all of the little things in life without all of the anxiety that comes with an alcoholics addiction...

As Dee said, we wouldn't put ourselves through all of this if being sober sucked. In fact it is worth every ounce of effort you put into it. I promise!

You can do this, we're here to help.

Ruby2

Hi newlife. I was like you. Didn't want to quit, wanted to be a normal drinker. But normal drinkers don't typically obsess about being able to drink normally.

It doesn't seem fair that they can and we can't but for whatever reason, it is.

You will need support. We are always here but support in real life is very important as well. You don't have to carry this alone.

Read some on here, looking for plans to help make that happen. Think of a plan that will work for you.

Hugs

IOAA2

Hi.

I can identify with the above posts and my overall observation about getting sober is that we first have to be honest with ourself about our drinking and ACCEPT the fact that we cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row. It’s simple and easy to say, accomplishment depends so much on the individuals work and ability to change as so many factors enter the equation.

My moment of truth came when there was no internet. AA was the only show in town and I was very reluctant to listen to things I didn’t want to hear as I was quite undisciplined and don’t suffer well.
Fortunately I learned recovery takes time, I still attend meetingS many years later because there is no cure for this disease as it’s progressive.
Also a great help for many on the path of sobriety is reading posts on this site and posting.

BE WELL

Alynn

Just like Dee said, it's a new beginning!

jazzfish

I had a little realization this week. Alcoholics love to project the benefits of drinking onto future events. What I realized was that if alcohol was so beneficial for enhancing my life, then shouldn't my life be a whole lot better now?

As soon as I stop drinking, things start to improve for me. The more continuous days of sobriety I accumulate, the more my life starts going in the direction and manner I had always hoped it would go.

As Dee said, I had to choose between being the person I wanted to be, or drinking. The two options were mutually exclusive.

newlife15

I just feel so lost and have no idea where to even begin! I can admit to myself and my family that I have an alcohol problem. I definitely do not want to go telling everyone on facebook. LOL It's too embarrassing. I dread soberly recalling all of my mistakes and my guilt makes me want to tell on myself for a couple of things I have done. I know that would make things harder though. Nothing about my marriage but things I have done that would hurt my friend. I also feel overwhelmed because I don't even know where to begin. Today sucks! I feel like I could easily throw up, my head is a tornado of thoughts, my eyesight is super blurry, I am edgy, and definitely depressed. I wonder if my Dr. could help and take the edge off some with some sort of meds?

Tang

That is very insightful. Indeed I romanticize alcohol in context of upcoming parties, dinners and trips.

newpage119

Newlife,
I would stay off of Facebook, and post your thoughts and questions here......
If people ask, you can say you don't drink....but you don't owe them any explanation as to why. Of course be honest with your family, but the others don't need to know!

jazzfish

I second this. Facebook is horrid for new sobriety. Also, there is no reason to confess anything to anyone, or even a requirement to tell people.

Soberwolf

Exactly what D said

Lovesunrises

Hi Newlife. I'm sorry you are struggling now, but it does get better. I agree with the others, stay off of facebook. I think it may be a good idea to make an appointment with your Dr. He/she may be able to prescribe something to help you through these first rough days. Hang in there!

newlife15

Okay. So I logged onto patient portal and discussed with my Dr. for the 1st time ever that I am struggling with alcohol addiction. I asked her for an anxiety med to take as needed, not daily and she is giving me Buspar. I asked if there is anything that helps with alcohol cravings as well. It's a start! I cancelled my birthday booze plans for Saturday too. I simply said I'm starting a 21 day fix diet and there is no crappy food and booze allowed!

Anna

You can get through this, and the anxiety and edginess is very normal and part of the process of withdrawal. You will begin to feel better soon.

newlife15

Was Facebook sort of a trigger? Is that what you mean by suggesting to stay off of it?