Stubbs16

Well all, I've been here, on and off since a few years ago. New name, new account. Same old problems. I've had some good sober time, never enuff. I've tried everything, nothing seems to work for me. Because I know this is a terrible flaw, disease, addiction that just will not let go. Ever.

I agree things have to change, and they must. I'm stuck in a bad pattern of them just not. And unless things change here, I really don't see much hope. I think I could be better, stronger, and different for me if my life situation was different. But alas, it will never be so.
I understand about avoiding things that trigger you, but I live a different life then most addicts have to deal with. I can and want to work on me, but I just know I will never truly be well living where I do, and what I have to live with. I'm dealing with another kind of issue.

When I went to AA and presented this problem to my friends there, they told me to deal with this or any other issue as the steps. What? I just don't get it, I do get the baggage, and resentment stuff. I really do. But unless you have to live my life, everyday, then I have no clue about how anyone could, and will be sober 100%. Everything has to change, not just me.I love SR, I even loved AA for a bit. I'm just very lost, scared, and I do know there is a way out of this crap. My bad is being alone, isolated. That's why I am here.

I don't want to ever give up on what a sober life might be like. I'm trying, but I'm failing. Big time.

biminiblue

Well, if you've tried and failed many times, you may in fact benefit from working the steps. They do help in cases like this.

Have you checked into AVRT or any of the other recovery methods? Keep searching, you can do it - when you're really ready, nothing will stand in your way.

We all think we're Special Snowflakes.

Dee74

I apologise in advance if this sollowing post seems harsh...I don't think it is - but there's a lot of AV in your post and 'It' may not like what I have to say....

I think, if you're expecting things to change so that you can quit, you'll be waiting for ever Max?

There will never be a good or easy time to quit.

I'm not downplaying your triggers, or your assertion that you live a different life to most of us (although got to be honest, I'm not really sure that's true - we all have our triggers)

but the fact is you can still get sober.

I had pages of reasons why I could not quit and some of them were valid and concrete real reasons.

But I also didn't want to die, or waste another 30 years of my life - so I found other healthier ways to deal with the things I was drinking over.

If you taking drinking off the table as a tool you might find that some of the things you're mired in now start to look a little different, even clearer, too?

D

Stubbs16

Thanks bimbi, that's true. I've been ready for so long, its my other that is putting the hammer down here for me. I just can't seem to live with a hoarder too much longer! Sigh.... its very trying .

Stubbs16

Thanks Dee and all,

Actually I don't think even being 100% sober here would help with the situation. I am not and don't condone hoarding, its as sick as any other disease, and it isn't helping mine much these days. There is no answer here for me. I can hope to be sober, yes, but this will still be a problem for me, unless I can get away from it.

Sorry folks, my issues go beyond my own here. That's what I was saying from the start. I am not making up excuses for my drinking, but there is a issue there, of course. Just look up my letter all, from a hoarders wife in mental. I'm sure then some of you can appreciate my pain. This is not normal living, by any means. Sober or not!

It sucks to live this way for so long, like addiction isn't enuff? Wtf?

Dee74

I've followed all your threads

Being sober is for you - not for someone else, and whatever problem or addiction they may have Max.

You getting sober may not solve your partners problem but it may help you gain greater clarity about what you can do in response to it.

I may not understand what it's like to live with a hoarder just as you might not understand all the many reasons & problems I used to drink over...

but I guarantee you drinking is not an effective coping tool for whatever ails you.

D

Copper442

Max, I in no way know what it is like to live in that particular situation. I can tell you that I live with an obsessive compulsive bipolar parent and it is hell. It is a different hell than yours but hell nevertheless.

For the last year I too thought that because I can't get out of my current living situation, and as miserable as it is, being sober was not going to help me in any way. I would then just be left in this terrible situation with absolutely no means of "dealing" or escaping.

But something happened. Not only did my drinking progress to the point that it literally scared me, but my thinking changed. After listening to all the wonderful people here tell me that I was worth it I actually began to believe it.

Even though right now my life sucks, and will continue to suck for the foreseeable future, I deserve more than to slowly kill myself and inflict more misery on myself than life has already dealt me. You do too. The thing about it is, things never get better immediately. But they can and WILL get better but only if we decide to be sober for this day and then the next and so on. It may take a lot of time but you will begin to care for yourself and value yourself enough that YOU will take action to better your external situations.

I can guarantee you that absolutely nothing will improve, but rather get worse if you choose to continue drinking. If you haven't tried the steps and a sponsor or AVRT or any other method, then I say get to it. You have absolutely nothing to lose and so much to gain if you try.

Please, for yourself, decide that you are worth fighting for and take drinking off the table. Don't let it be an option regardless of what is happening around you. I know you can do this, Max.

biminiblue

Yes. I also read your recent threads.

The thing is, until you get some clarity in your own mind, everything seems insurmountable.

Yes, living with a hoarder would be horrible. I have some difficult life circumstances, too. You can find a way out, but only when your own mind isn't altered. The alcohol is making you depressed and convincing you that you have no options, when in fact you have many options. The only way you'll see that is by stopping the drinking.

Stubbs16

Thanks Dee

Yes, recovery is for me. I truly hope in my situation, I can find it someday. Its so damn hard, I mean very hard, for me these days. I don't know, just yet. But I really hope so. I'm trying my best, always, but there is no let up from this other crap. I need a miracle here.

Why don't people talk about hoarding more? I've looked for support groups out there, there is nothing? Strange.

My poll tonight is could you all live with a hoarder? Everyday?
And be good in your recovery program, no matter?
Let me know, because if you do, or have, this may give me much hope. Let me know what you did, so I can hope to cope. Thanks.

Thanks

biminiblue

No. I could not and would not live with a hoarder. Full stop.

You don't have to either.

Part of living a recovery lifestyle is setting healthy boundaries and protecting yourself against unhealthy situations - whatever they may be.

Stubbs16

Thanks all. For all the responses. To hell with the hoarders, right?

A sick, sick way to live. I will try to overcome. Its going to be hard, more then just putting down the drink. Will keep on trying. This just adds more **** to my recovery plan! I would never wish this on my worst enemy, and I don't have one!

Thanks friends.

Dee74

I'm a bit of a pack rat myself so I'm not sure I'm a good judge of whats OTT.

It was insecurity & fear based thing for me - I hated to lose anything I might possibly conceivably need one day.

I'm better than I used to be and I'll gladly admit I prefer not living in clutter.

D

strategery

I don't think anyone is saying "to hell with hoarders". However, you need to do what moves you forward in your sobriety. If living with a hoarder is making it so you can't achieve sobriety, that situation has to change.

Stubbs16

This is my only thread, and I'm done talking about it tonight. It is what it is. Thanks everyone for all the support, and advice.

Stubbs16

No more what ifs? No more polls. I'm done online folks. My other just put the smackdown on me about me posting and airing my dirty laundry online. I knew I shouldn't of. Oh well. Luv 2 all. Thanks friends.

Dee74

I really hope you change your mind.

You need more support for change, not less Max.

D

Soberwolf

Hope you change your mind maximus

NikTes

Maximus! Hugs your way. We're here for you when you come back. Do come back.

And please, please don't pick up the drink. To see clarity going forward, you need a clear mind.

We're here.

alaina742

I get it. I really do.

I have argued and argued with people over how it's not possible to change my life right now. And you know what? IT'S NOT. I can't just walk away from my job, and it causes me so much stress. When I am at work, the obsession to indulge in my addiction is very strong. When I am at home, I get axnious because I know I have to go to work the next day.

This may or may not be relateable to you. I have no idea what your issues are. I'm only sharing mine, because that's what I know about. Your circumstances may be totally different.

YES, I have a "right" to use, depending on my life circumstances. I can make that arguement. Life has been unfair to me in certain aspects. Pretty darned unfair.

But- and it's a big but. At the end of the day, this addiction will kill me. That much I know. Call me paranoid, but I have a premonition/feeling it will be sooner than later. Like, within the coming months. Because I've been doing things that reguarly kill people on a fairly regular basis.

So, the question isn't, is my life fair? Can I handle this? The question becomes, do I want to live, or do I want to die? And I've decided I don't really want to die. I didn't really do anything punishable by death.

(Now you may read this and decide, I do want to die or I don't care if I die. If so, Please seek additional help. It can change your life, and you probably, in your heart of hearts, do not really want to die. We just usually want the BS to stop.)

So, I've decided that no, I don't want to die. As much as my life annoys me, maybe things will be different some distant day. maybe I will FEEL differently about things, if they do stay the same. All I know is I will die if I continue to engage in my addiction. So, regardless, that has to stop. Like, right now.

So, I'm stopping. Stopped entirely on Thursday and had a brief slip yesterday, but I'm stopping again. And I will stop as many times as I have to. Because it's that important.

One thing: everything is exponentially worse when you're actively in addiction. EVERYTHING. Sober people: this is why they're annoyingly happy at AA meetings. So, if things suck REALLY BAD when you're drinking, they might only suck a little bit when you're sober. I noticed a distinct change in the short bursts of "clean time" I've had. After a few days away from the insanity and all the problems it causes (not wanting to go to work the next day, getting behind at work, financial problems, irritibility that makes me difficult to deal with, a messy house, etc) I felt significantly better. This, along with not wanting to die, is enough of a reason to stop and stay stopped.

So, I have to find a way to stop and enoy my life even if nothing changes. Which means I have to change ME, and the way I feel about things. Addiction gone? One big negative cloud cleared up. Cleaning up the wreckage of addiction? HARD, but once it's done, another big source of negativity gone. Now I just have to adapt ME to my circumstances. How do I do this? The steps do help, because it clears away the gunk I cling to in order to make myself feel bad about me. Also, therapy, learning different coping skills, making new friends, creating new hobbies, finding a whole new life.

That's the part no one talks about very much: you have to change yourself, your thoughts, what you do and who you associate with. It's more than working the Steps, although they do help. It's a total overhaul. Which Takes Time! Which means, there will be days where I feel really ******. It doesn't happen overnight. There will be days where I don't want to clean my house, or go running (if that's my new hobby) or go to a meeting. GO ANYWAY. Remember...staying alive. That's what we are after. Do these things until they ARE your life, they ARE habits, they ARE your thoughts.

I know in AA it seems like they go around the whole room and everyone says the same things: go to meetings! get a sponsor! and the ambiguous "keep coming back!" whatever that means lol. We want ANSWERS as to how do I actually feel better day to day? That's what I attempted to give you in the above paragraph.

BUT...AA does help. Because we are changing our thinking. We have crappy messages that replay in our heads 24/7. We need, quite frankly, new programming. And we can't do this alone. I think I screwed up yesterday because I didn't want to leave my family's house to go to a meeting. In the beginning, we need a meeting every day. regardless of what you think you're getting from them, meetings are one hour of positivity for our brains. One hour of people offering solutions. One hour of exposure to people who are living what we want. One hour (okay, more because now I'm talking of the time before and after the meeting) of speaking to people one on one. Maybe about something aimless, like the weather. But, I guarantee, if you go early and stay late, the conversations will progress and you will talk about real life stuff. This is how we find sponsors and friends in the program.

Once you have sponsors and friends in the program, that's more hours of being exposed to a positive message. More time away from our thoughts. More time to formulate new thoughts, ones that don't contastantly display a negative message. This is how people learn to live life in the program. Maybe the new friends or new sponsor can help us find new hobbies. Maybe they can become lifelong friends who REALLY know us.

So, I reccomend a meeting every day. Just LISTEN. You don't have to talk (I don't always feel like it, personally.) Do the things you need to do to change how you think about things. I guarantee, stopping using alone will clear up a lot of the problems and negativity. Remember, it's about saving your life, in the end. People die from this addiction every day.

Anna

No, I would not live with a hoarder, and I ask you, why are you? You don't have to. You have the freedom to make choices about your life. You are using this as an excuse. It's not nearly as difficult or complicated as you are trying to make it.