Butterfly

I have really struggled since my post about not belonging and I can't seem to be able to pick myself up again. I feel so lost, hurt, angry and confused.

I am trying really hard to accept he's an alcoholic, and his behaviour towards me is due to his issues and not mine but I feel so hurt by his behaviour towards me and how he can just ignore me. I'm stuck on this. Yes I know he doesn't want to face me because he can't deal with the damage he's caused, if he doesn't see me then he doesn't have to think about it and he can Continue on in his wee world of denial and looking after himself. I've seen his selfishness throughout my marriage but I never honestly thought he was capable of this, this is a whole new level of selfishness. How can they just abandon people they supposedly love!!

It's the feelings of hurt, abandonment and rejection that I'm struggling to deal with, maybe it's just the feelings about him leaving to drink and his treatment that I can't seem to come to terms with or its feelings from years of sh*t I haven't processed or even know where to begin. All the manipulation, one minute one thing then something completely different and yes I'm stuck on what he has said, I still can't seem to look at his actions!!!!

I was at alanon yesterday and we were talking about step 3, turning our will and our lives over to God. I'm struggling to do this as I keep thinking why am I being punished, what did I do so wrong to deserve this.

It also took me back to the time just before he left and we were selling our house. We had a couple interested and it looked like they were going to put an offer in. Of course I was anxious, he'd left two weeks before telling me he didn't love me then came home saying he can't believe he almost chose drink over me, so rightly I was scared about moving, bigger mortgage, more debt and his drinking was escalating, I'd forced him to go to the Drs. I said to God if this is meant to be the couple with put an offer in for the house and if not they won't! Of course they did but I told him I didn't know if I wanted to move, I was scared, he said to me he didn't know if he could stay he then began talking about a house he wanted to buy for us and I had to stop him and say to him you've just told me your not sure if you can be at home and I've told you I don't know if want to move due to everything that's going on! a few hours later he told me he was leaving.

Here's the thing did I go against the will of God or did I just finally pluck up the courage to tell him I didn't want to move until he had sorted himself out? I had tried so many times before to say to him about not moving but he never listened!!

I'm rambling I know I am. Go on let me have it!!!

SparkleKitty

I am not going to "let you have it", B. But if I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you if you'd just strike that horrible "can't" word from your vocabulary.

You are NOT going to unravel all of this easily or quickly. It is okay to feel lost, to need help. It's not okay to tell yourself you'll never feel better. You can spin your story anyway you like -- either God was giving you a sign and you denied it, or God was giving you a test to see if you would pluck up your courage -- since you are unable to know God's intent, you get to choose which it was. Choose Butterfly this time, okay? I mean, what could it hurt? You just might accidentally empower yourself in the middle of all these can't's and never's.

You really are normal to be struggling with all of these questions, B.

NYCDoglvr

You think you're a victim? What helped me move on was realizing that I CHOOSE him and stayed much too long. My self-love, self-esteem were so low I was willing to accept a self-centered alcoholic who I didn't trust or respect. These were all my choices and nothing changed until I decided to help myself. What I've found is recovery isn't sitting around thinking about things, it's action. Take the actions and the feelings will follow.

It's really up to you.

happybeingme

Butterfly, you have been hurting and stuck for quite sometime. I think it's time you accept that your husband has moved on. The reasons don't matter only the fact does. Loving someone means wanting them to be happy even if it means without us. When we have children we love them the best we can and then we let them go. We hope they stay a part of our lives but we never know. The same is true with spouses. We love them and share our lives with them but sometimes they don't stay. The reasons for their leaving vary but in the end all we can do is let them go. Love is wanting someone else to be happy no matter how much it might hurt us

Butterfly

Thanks sparklekitty, I don't even realise I use those words. I feel that I'm going crazy recently with all these thoughts constantly running round my head, I just feel so low, it feels as though there will be no end.

NYC, thank you. I don't sit around thinking about things, I get up everyday and go to work, see to the day to day of the house, look after my kids, go to my counsellor and now recently alanon, im reading co dependent no more, I don't have a lot of free time but I meet up with friends when I can even when I don't want to but I force myself to do these things. Anyone looking at me would think I was doing grand, except my close friends, but inside I'm holding it all together, just about and at anytime it feels that I could lose it.

I don't know what else I can do!!

Butterfly

Happy, of course I want him to be happy, but he left to drink without interference and if that's what makes him happy so be it.

redatlanta

Only one comment to make. Often people choose rather drastic measures when facing crisis. For example a couple having a baby because their marriage is rocky. A move is no different. You can change the geography and never touch the problem. It's an MO for many people they leave something behind In search of a fix disregarding that the problem is inside them.

This is what I would guess was going on here. It sounds like your HP did work for you in putting the brakes on selling the house and a larger mortgage.

Sorry this is hurting you.

Butterfly

Thanks red. One of the requirements for our new house was 2 living rooms, a family room and a room for him, where he could have all his sports pictures up, a games room and were he could drink and not bother me and I wouldn't feel anxious anymore!!

SeriousKarma

Butterfly, I am absolutely convinced that God was getting annoyed with me for putting up with my STBXAH's BS for so long. I think I even heard him sigh in exasperation a few times.

One time an actual voice popped into my head "Geez, woman, do I have to come down there and hold you by the hand? Get on with it."

Odd that God would use the term "Geez". Still, I'm convinced it was him.

I just don't go in for that whole "punishment" thing. Our HP may give us subtle signs, or big flashing neon lights, but in the end I don't think that His infinite love has such stringent contingencies. Theologically speaking that doesn't even make sense. He created the universe for Christ sake, he can let you waffle on a property deal. Besides, he probably agreed with your decision. I suspect he's fairly savvy when it comes to real estate.

More than likely this is just Butterfly being Butterfly. Your challenge has always been in forgiving yourself, hasn't it? Are you maybe just looking for things to blame yourself with?

((((( hugs )))))

searching peace

I have often thought as you, what did I do in this life or a previous one to have all of these horrible things happen to me? Is this karma? But I believe it is the lessons that I need to learn in my life. I think sometimes God begins with a whisper and when we don't seem to get the lesson, the whisper gets louder each time. I have begun to try not to live my life out of fear. I try NOT to make choices out of fear. When I have made choices because I was afraid, they always seemed to be the wrong choices. Maybe stop when you feel fear, take a moment in your life to breathe and then make the choice not out of a place of fear, but out of a quiet peaceful place. I have only recently begun my road to recovery and healing and am still in the process of divorce from my AH. I cannot tell you how I arrived at finally seeing the writing on the wall, but I have. Yes all of their words and actions hurt and cut deeper than any knife. But when you realize their words and actions have to do with their own pain and their own disappointment in themselves, their inadequacy and absolutely nothing personal against you except you are the one choosing to stand before them, then you will begin to heal and to like yourself again. Hugs your way!!! You do not deserve to be treated badly and you do deserve happiness.

Aeryn

Here's my take...an A is unable to process emotions normally...sometimes even after they quit drinking. My ex was never able to tell me how he felt or that our split even phased him...reason: alcohol stops emotional development, my ex has been drinking since he was in his teens so he's an emotional teenager. It can take YEARS of sobriety to get emotional recovery and sometimes even then it doesn't happen. Now this is no excuse for him...none....my decision was this: is an emotional teenager what I want for a partner? The answer was no for me....

The other thing I learned was in order to move forward I had to leave him behind...so for me one door couldn't open until the other closed....sitting in the hallway in-between the half open doors is almost harder emotionally than being in either door but it's a necessary part of the process...feeling it is good even though it might hurt now. When you're ready you'll move through the door and until then you're doing just fine. Don't be so hard on yourself.

maybear

Sorry you are hurting.

My husband has pretty much abandoned me too, at lots of different times in our marriage on a day to day basis even, now I am realising. He has been showing me who he is all along. And I taught him (with my actions) that it was ok to treat me like that.

There is no one up there pulling the strings, 'doing' anything to you. There are definitely things out of your control (him, his drinking and basically the current reality), but You are definitely within your control. I've had to face some harsh realities on how I ended up here now and what I did that attracted this into my life and allowed it to continue. And even if you can't see why within yourself now, you can only accept that this has happened and take charge of your future.

I know it is easy to get caught up in analysing the whys and what ifs but it is draining and a waste of your energy because you could come up with a million different answers which could be or not be correct. It doesn't really matter at the end of the day. And I don't think your husband is analysing his every action (I know mine wouldn't be!). All you have is now.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so very sorry you're suffering so much. I remember when the terrible present seemed much safer than the unknowable future. It was fear that kept me stuck, that and very low self-esteem that led me to think I didn't deserve any better. I read that at the heart of all addiction (including codependency and alcoholism) is very low self-esteem and in hindsight, it rings true, for me at least. I'd still be back in that self-hating place if it weren't for a wonderful sponsor and a brilliant cognitive therapist who forced me to take actions that were counter intuitive for me. "To get self esteem you have to take esteemable actions", I was told. Feelings FOLLOW actions.

But the effort is worth it. Today I look back on the alcoholic I was once so obsessed about and just shake my head at my own foolish thinking. I personally don't care what happens to him, if he drinks or gets sober, and when he married I said a sincere prayer "thank God it isn't me!" Dodged a bullet this time. To move from obsession to utter indifference shows how much we can change.

A big hug

LexieCat

So this is one of those "bad days" we were talking about. I'm still seeing overall improvement--especially your posts to newcomers on their threads--that shows you're starting to poke your toes out into the wider world. Two steps forward, one step back still moves you forward

The way I see it, you're still stuck on the WHY. There are some things we can never hope to understand. Accepting that we won't is part of the path to happiness. Breakups happen. Natural disasters happen. Tragic things happen. And often there's just no understanding it. HE may not understand it, himself. Chances are, he doesn't.

I go round and round sometimes trying to figure out why I split from my first husband, who is a great guy. All I can say is that the relationship didn't feel "right" to me. As lame as it sounds, that's the best I can explain it. I cared about him, but he deserved better than someone who was just hanging in there.

I'm not suggesting your ex's motives are/were good ones, but the point is that it really doesn't matter. If he's not "there," he's not "there." It's a fact of life. You have to stop looking for fault in yourself.

Remember that corny saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"? It's true. You can stop beating yourself up at any time, and vow to make the rest of your life look the way you want it to.

SparkleKitty

Lexie makes a great point. I think if you're not accepting something then you're fighting it.

I also still think you're trying to make all of this your fault so that you can figure out how to change your past. Instead of focusing on your now. Your now is waiting for you!

Seren

Butterfly, I do understand, really I totally get how you are feeling.

I, too, kept telling my friends that it was all my fault. That I had done something to drive him away. But that wasn't true.

You have not done anything wrong, and it breaks my heart for you that you continue to punish yourself and continue to hold on to hope, self-blame, and fear. Someone here once said that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Please don't let your misfortunes find a home in your heart, Butterfly, as though you somehow deserve to suffer. You are worth so much more--a happy and joyous life.

Butterfly

Thanks guys. I don't know if I'm still asking why or maybe I am, I don't know. I think I know why he has and is treating me the way, as I've said he is but I'm not sure. I don't trust my thoughts or my instincts anymore. I guess I'm seeking validation that my thoughts in relation to this are right, not the beating myself up thoughts the ones where I'm trying to understand his behaviour and yes why he can completely ignore me.

Making it my fault something I have done wrong is easier to understand and accept. My counsellor as you know had to leave so had my last session with her 2 weeks ago and they haven't replaced her yet as they don't have anyone available, it was supposed to be very straight forward. I would meet my new counsellor at my last session but it didn't work out that way.

Sorry guys I know I keep coming back to all this.

maybear

So if it's your fault then you have control over it? Therefore might be able to affect his behaviour and the outcome?

I think that's where the admission of powerlessness over alcohol comes in....

The thing is, it isn't your fault. He is who he is. It sounds like you just need to work on acceptance of him and what has happened as a first step. There isn't anything you could have done/should have done/can do to change him or his drinking. Accepting that means letting go of your need to fix/change/understand the situation. It can't be undone, there's nothing you can do. You did nothing wrong.

redatlanta

its natural to compare and try to make sense of things based on what WE would do, how we think etc.

I think you keep coming back to this because you are inputting it into your non-addict brain and coming up with an error message.

You will never be able to completely understand addiction and why addicts do what they do because you aren't one.

And so what if you get an answer why, what does that change? I mean really what does it change? Your need to be right is outweighing your need to be safe. Safe in thought that is - perhaps you are still grasping at codie straws to empathize with him.

Did it ever occur to you that your Ex may not even be able to pinpoint why? Its very possible. People don't always know why they do what they do so take it at face value. For WHATEVER reason he is unable or unwilling to communicate with you.

The only person who can answer this for you is him. That's a lot of power to hand to him because it matters to you a lot.

You don't need to be right you just need to do right. More is always revealed Butterfly even after the fact. Give it up to your higher power and move on.

hopeful4

I always think back to how many times I prayed over and over to God to show me the way. And I think about all the signs he gave me that I ignored all together. He surely had to be very frustrated.

Butterfly, you are hurt. That hurt did not happen to you overnight and it won't go away in short order either. However, you just keep on working on you and it will eventually lessen a little at a time. You have a happy life in front of you.

Tight hugs my friend!