sean0621

I have just hit an emotional wall about a month ago. I've made several mistakes in recovery and have tried to correct them as best I can but am just depressed and low on energy at this point. I just got out of a co-dependent relationship with another alcoholic/addict that stopped trying to recover. I am in therapy for being an adult child of an alcoholic and have been diagnosed bipolar type 2 with double depression (acute and"major" and chronic depression).I am still not in AA I am in a twelve step alternative called Racing for Recovery which I absolutely love. But I feel like I understand why you must surrender now. I have such an issue with religion I am having an awful time getting past it. I am joining a candlelight AA group this week and plan to attend regularly, I lost 90lbs getting back in shape, I truly am trying to heal mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I meditate, I read everything I can get my hands on and do daily affirmations. I go to church and try to be open to believe and am starting to get there. Starting to at least believe things aren't as coincidental as I think they are. But I am at my wits end all of a sudden and overwhelmed and just starting to despair about the whole process. I told a drug and alcohol counselor all of this and he said that that is good, I am ready to surrender. I feel like I've done everything wrong though. Is this normal at 9 months sober, i feel like I want to jump out of my skin at times. Feel lost, lonely and like I'm just starting from square one all over again even though I haven't had a relapse. I have told myself just make it one year and you can re-evaluate everything. Then two years and the brain changes so I hear. I feel like I'm grasping at straws and I felt so good at 5 months like I made it through the hard part already. This is ten times harder than what I went through at the beginning. Any input will be welcome.

Behan

Sounds like you have made remarkable changes in your life and have achieved amazing things in terms of living healthy and sober. I'm not as far along as you, I am really impressed. I imagine it is understandable that at times feel overwhelmed with all of the changes you have made. Well done!

B

Bmac

Everything in life cycles; ups and dows, ebbs and flows. Our spiritual and emotional growth is not immune to these ups and downs. It signifies we are at the doorstep of a breakthrough to a higher level. Unfortunately, in my experience, there is no magic pill that can make this "growth spurt" easier. I DO know that eventually it will pass and you will emerge with greater understanding and greater strength. Don't quit on yourself before that happens. It could be tomorrow! If not, the day after that. But it will happen.

resolute50

Sean,

From what I just read in your post, I would say you are doing everything right.
Don't let second guessing everything bring you down. You are making sound decisions now that you're sober, and following through.
And look, you are even here visiting, asking for advice,

Next week will be 20 months for me. I can tell you that it will get easier every day that passes.

least

First off, congrats on 9 months sober!

When you described your troubles, I thought of PAWS. I had problems concentrating and remembering things for about the first year sober. It takes a little while to rewire the brain. Take good care of yourself.

I hope you start feeling better soon. Stay sober!

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through Sean!! 9 Months is fantastic!!

newpage119

I thought of PAWS too....maybe that is what is going on?

But definitely keep pushing through..... 9 months is great! And sounds like you are really giving it your ALL! Good for you!

Thepatman

Stay strong. You have 9'months, that's huge.

You also have a lot on your plate and the diagnostics on depression etc.
I admire your dedication and courage.

Be kind and patient with yourself.

Dayonesober

You are doing great with 9 months. I'm in my first week of many years of alcohol problems. I had a bad accident recently because of my alcohol abuse which is why I am here. Please remember why you became sober. The idea that it is ok and you can control your drinking is a lie. It will only get worse if you give in. I have so many bad memories that i can't get out of my head. Don't create any more for yourself like I have. Drinking can't be that much fun. Good luck people here care about you because we all are here together.

sean0621

Thanks alot. PAWS is something I haven't heard of until recently. As I said I am late to the game and tried to do everything by myself for the first six months of recovery. I had a relapse on june 18th otherwise I'd have a year of sobriety on April 1 when I intitially quit. PAWS describes exactly what I am going through right now. Thank you for posting that. My learning has just begun apparently. I really feel lost at times in this and people just kind of let me go and only intervene when I display red flags. Like my codependent relationship. This helps a lot so Thank You very much!!

omenapt

this helped me from a lady in AA. GOD (Good Orderly Direction)

sean0621

Relapsed on my co-depenedent relationship yesterday. Broke no contact and we were going to meet out for lunch. She wants to have one glass of wine and is asking my permission, I told her "it's your life, you shouldn't have to bargain with anyone over something you really want to do". She's a single mother and I am not the father of her child. But I was there for her all through her pregnancy. Even when she almost OD'd on Xanax. I think I emotionally enable her but I have given her a power over me that is equal to that which alcohol had over me. I try to get her to meetings, but really she is manipulative with me just as I was while drinking. Bouncing off my emotions again. I feel weak, lonely and confused. I am in trouble here and can't seem to extract myself from the situation. I'm more torn with this issue than I have been with anything in my life. Not where I need to be, know what I need to do but won't. Trying to find my backbone to do what needs to be done and stop lying to myself about what could be. She is years away from change and I can tell. She stopped talking about changing awhile back and just wants to escape. We were supposed to get sober together but only I did and I took action. She was a lot of talk. But still I persist. Its what my mom did with my dad and I can see that and he drank himself to death. Just need to get my feelings out there to someone. I'm ******* up and need to fix it. It'd be easier if she was an awful person that I had no feelings for. But that's not true. She's just like me and I love her.

WhoDey

Sean ... I second what others have said, you should feel very proud of how much you've accomplished. I know you still have struggles, but you have come a long way. Do take the time to acknowledge your success.

I'm at 17 months and I remember feeling a bit lost at around 9 months. I think it was that the reality of long term sobriety was beginning to sink in. The early months were filled with all kinds of exciting accomplishments, but eventually the newness began to fade. The beginning of my hike was exhilarating, but I had to learn to take a deep breath and settle in for the long hike that will be the rest of my life.

Congratulations again. You've done great.

BlindsidedBetty

Bless you, Sean! God gave us two halves of a brain for a reason, so don't be afraid to use your RATIONAL half as well. Rationally, realistically, can you try and fast forward out a decade with this lady? How about just a few years? What does the rational side of your head tell you? And can you rationalize how you would be holding up spiritually in such an existence? Will you be married? With a house? Steady jobs or goals? Would you have children with her of your own? Would you be able to handle her addictions while pregnant? After the birth with small children needing constant care and a fully present Mother and Father? Would you be comfortable with her alone with your baby while you were away? How about driving? And when the children are older? Where will she be at with her addictions? Alcohol is a powerful, addictive, drug, so if she's not interested in recovery, is she moderating? Substituting with other powerful substances? How's that working out for her? I know you love her, but often times the rational part of our brain will get over excited in times like these trying to protect you from going in circles. Nine months is awesome. Peace.

Nowsthetime

DON'T let her back in!!! You know in your heart what is best. I can feel your pain in your post and I feel for you...

You know you are doing the right thing. Don't let your AV win.

sean0621

Yes lost is what I feel right now actually WhoDey you described my whole roller coaster ride of sobriety exactly. I am trying to find a way to settle in for the long haul. I had a really good day with my recovery group exchanged numbers with two guys and felt good. But I get a people hangover. I go back by myself and think too much and concluded I will never meet anyone else ever which I know is ridiculous but I have low self esteem and sometimes I can't keep it in check. My insecurities and curiosities got the better of me and I let someone back into my life who I shouldn't have. She was just waiting. All I did was unblock her phone number and within three hours I had a long letter. She must have been sending them all week. I have a need to help but not to enable so now it just frustrates us both. Can I see a future ten years down the road. No she abuses everything I fear she will die if she cant change. But I never cared when I did it with just alcohol and got scary depressed. I feel like I owe her a face to face explanation, but I know she will just talk me into taking my place not as her boyfriend but as her friend so she can continue doing what she is doing and I will have enabled her lifestyle through emotional support. She needs to hit bottom but how do you do that with a baby. I m gonna have to block her out again. But I don't know why I'm clinging onto hope for her. I guess I have to be certain she is not changing. I was so certain she was worth everything three months ago and the year before that when I was drinking. But I need to move on. I'm dealing with emotions I'm being overwhelmed by as it is I don't need anymore complications and I know it. But being overwrought with emotions is not helping either. Thanks for your help. I know my course its just the doing it now.

BlindsidedBetty

Oh Sean, my heart aches for you today. And that baby. Make sure you are getting some exercise even if you have to force it in bad weather. It will keep your natural serotonin levels up a bit, and help you when you need it most. Never forget what an addictive, destructive, poison, alcohol actually is. It's a drug. And drugs destroy. Heavy thoughts of you. Walk towards the light!

Soberwolf

9 months is awesome ive heard of ppl struggling around the 8-9 month mark but use all sobriety tools available to help you through the tough days bud l

Congrats again

sean0621

Well it is comforting to know that this is a common occurrence for me to feel this way at 8 or 9 months. Relationship aside I am grateful for making it this far and do look at it as quite an accomplishment. Getting sober and living sobriety has been the hardest experience of my life and I thought it would get easier so I was blindsided by all this emotional turmoil. Thank you to everyone who posted I found each post useful and encouraging.

Mountainmanbob

Yes, sobriety and life can be hard at times. If one is a recovered drunk such as myself, we know from our past that touching a drink will only take us in short time back to the pits of hell.
Mountainman