Geno71

Recently My fiance had told me he had gotten himself addicted to percs. I got him to tell his Parents after he crashed my car into a snowbank. We made it through the withdraws and He went through an Out Patient class 3 nights a week. It seemed like everything was working. Seemed like Him n I were happier we were finally spending time together. During his last week of class he started to have a set back. He had been going to the bar and getting drunk bc he wanted to get high but didn't want to so he got drunk instead. He would tell me how sorry he was and How much he loved me and I was his rock helping him through this.

A week after that... He had a meltdown said he doesn't know who he is any more Doesn't know what's real...and he basically ran away for a week. Told my parents that he loves me but doesn't know if he's in love with me. when he came back...he decided to end things (note that we were getting married a month later...everything was basically paid for everything was ready...and now everything needs to b canceled and a lot of money is now lost)... I am extremely lost...I find it hard to believe that you can tell someone how much you love them and how much they mean to you and then say you have been fighting this for a while and now ur not "in love" anymore...

My question is...is it normal to push away the people closest to you? He means the absolute world to me And I want nothing for him to get better. But I also want him to come back to me more than anything. And I sit here and hang on to hope, and I hate when people say "r u sure u want to deal with this for the rest of your life" to be honest...I would do anything for him....I'm just so confused...since I have kicked him out we haven't heard from him much and we don't know here he is... we r all worried.... thanks

Latte

Al Anon. You cannot save him, you can only save yourself.

His Out Patient program should have recommended this to you.

My ex and I divorced before he finally went to Al Anon.

My qualifier? I was raised by an alcoholic. Good grief, everything I've done that puts my integrity in question can be directly related to that. I'm not saying I blame him, because I'm a 41 year old woman but now that I understand where it all came from, I can move on and not repeat the mistakes of my Father ever again.

I'll be thinking of you.

latte

Geno71

I went to a naranon meeting tonight with my mother in law not sure how i felt about it

zoso77

Geno...

Welcome to the Board. I'm really, really sorry that all of this has happened to you. And I want you to know that I empathize with your confusion:

The only way any of this will make the slightest bit of sense is if you view it through the prism of drug addiction, and specifically opiate addiction. When someone is under the influence of opiates, nothing matters. It's bliss. They don't feel a thing.

And when that's taken away, and they have to feel things they don't want to feel while their brain is begging them to pick up, it's a brutal, brutal cycle. When he drinks, he's substituting one thing for another. He's not in recovery. Far from it. And as long as he's in this cycle, I have to tell you as gently as I can that he's not marriage material.

Which sucks. You didn't sign up for this. When you agreed to marry him and you put all your hopes and dreams in that basket, you never imagined a day like this would come. But sadly, it has. And what I encourage you to do is step back from this and look at this for what it is. If I were to guess, he's using again. Can you imagine if you had married him and all this had gone down? What would you have done then?

We have people who've been in your situation, more or less, and who have lived to tell the tale. My hope is over the next day or so, they'll pipe up and share what they've learned and how the coped with something that doesn't make any sense. In the meantime, I hope you're doing some self care; hydrating, eating well, getting as much sleep as you can, and stuff like that.

Please stick around. We're here to help, and we can get you through this. Again, Welcome to the Board.

zoso77

The first meetings we go to can be awkward and scary. Did anything resonate with you?

allmirages

Geno - Welcome to SR. You will find a great deal of information on addiction and we are here for support. I encourage you to read as many posts as possible. You will begin to see that the stories and the heartbreak are recurring posts here because that is all that addiction brings...complete and utter heartbreak. It doesn't matter the age of the addict or if it is a boyfriend, fiance, husband, son or daughter or other family member...addiction is a BEAST...and one you cannot fight. If you chose to do so, you risk losing yourself in the process because it will rip you to shreds with a life full of lies, betrayal and manipulation. Not to mention the heartbreak of watching the person you love practically destroy themselves as the disease gets worse. Addiction is a progressive disease, not one that stays at bay for most.

I'm certainly not an addiction expert but having watched someone I love with every ounce of my being destroy himself and everyone around him with his H addiction, I can tell you that there is NOTHING you can do to save him. And addiction, it is lifelong battle for the addict. It isn't something they go to a few classes or even an IP rehab and then they come out all fine and dandy. IT NEVER ENDS...their struggle never ends...ever. They have to fight it with all they have, every single day. And you, you will never be the top priority. You will be far down the list because when they are using, the drug is their priority and when or if they chose to stop and get help, they must focus on themselves.

I encourage you to also check out local support at an Alanon or Naranon meeting. You will find a lot of support there as well as learn what your life is destined to be like if you stay with an addict. In Alanon, they say give them 6 meetings before you decide if it will work for you or not. I originally went to a Naranon meeting and it was helpful at first but then I thought I'd try something different. While my xabf was in rehab, I went to AA meetings with him and I really found them helpful. I then learned that their Alanon meeting also welcomed those whose loved ones were addicted to opiates. I've been going for about a month or so and I really, really like the group of people there. Very supportive and I really like the program, it is a program for Us (loved ones) to work on ourselves as well as get support from those that understand. Don't let the meeting you went to discourage you, keep going back to see if it clicks. If not, try others in the area.

Please keep posting, we are here for you and can relate to your struggles and heartbreak.

Geno71

it was very awkward. I have social anxiety as it is so it's hard for me to even speak in front of ppl. But it's also a spiritual group and I'm not spiritual or religious so All of that aspect was really weird to me. And there were just some things I was not into. Listening to ppl talk wasn't bad tho. idk I think I'm better w/ one on one. or maybe a different type of meeting I'm not sure. It was just a little weird for me.

INgal

Geno, I have trouble with that too as I am not spiritual at all. What I get from it is that the people there understand my pain, and they are willing to share what works for them. I don't do the whole "higher power" thing, but I do believe the connection we feel with one another IS the power.

allmirages

Geno - I encourage you to stick with it for a few more times if you can. You should not feel obligated to talk, though. If the group forces that, you may want to consider another. Both meetings I went to (Naranon and Alanon) put no pressure on me or other newcomers in regard to talking. What helped me, though, is hearing others talk and the readings go over issues that we all deal with. You may want to check out other meetings in the area just to compare formats. They are all different.

Take care!

zoso77

Geno...you don't necessarily have to buy into the spirituall side of it. The best part of those meetings is listening to how people learned to accept a loved one's addiction. There's a lot of wisdom in those meetings.

That said, do what is best for you.

Geno71

I do accept it. I understand it's a disease. right now the hardest part for me is figuring out if I completely give up on him. idc if it's a rough road...he's my world...I want nothing but the best for him. And not knowing if his feelings right now are because he's confused w/ the drugs or what... I'm just heartbroken and want my man to come home....and he's not......and I can't get him to talk to me...he's just pushing me away....he also hasn't spoken to his parents..this just really sucks....I love him so much...

zoso77

I know you love him. That's not in doubt. But all of us here loved our addicts, and that didn't make a bit of difference in terms of how they behaved. It doesn't matter how much you love an addict, or how much you want the best for them. They're going to do whatever it is they do. And a lot of times, it's self destructive behavior.

He has to find his own path, whatever that path is.

What we try to do here is help people decide what their path is. In other words, what may have worked for me may not necessarily work for you. You have to start taking care of Geno. That's your first priority.

Keep us posted.

chicory

Geno, I am so sorry. I am sure your heart is broken, and being unsure of what to do is just crazy-making.

Keep posting here, and read all you can. You will have to be the one to decide what to do, but it helps when you learn about addiction , to understand what is going on with him. Your story is one we hear almost everyday here. So we understand , and care about your hurt.

Just remember that drugs change everything...the addict will be dealing with their issue for their life time. Its not easy.

and remember also, the 3 C's... you did not Cause it, you cannot Control it and you cannot Cure it. Most loved ones will try, and its a painful lesson to learn the 3 C's...
Al-anon will help you , even if you do not care for the spiritual aspect, it is still so so helpful. With more time, you may find that to be true for you as well.
keep posting.. it will help just to have us in your corner..

JOIE12

Putting love aside, addicts need codependents. The two relationships feed off of each other. Both are in denial.

it was easy for me to think that my ABF was the problem, that heroin was the problem. Maybe it was me ... and now he's gone. One last hit ended it all.

Please take care of yourself, find what strengthens you and use that to create 'your' life.

When I was married, I went to Al-anon because my then husband had become an alcoholic. The meetings saved my sanity. They helped me see that it had made me sick and brought me back to reality. I was able to make changes, slowly, until I became stronger.

Right now, he is laying in ICU. A life soon to be lost.

Please see the potential that life has for you. The people you have yet to meet.
I will say prayers for you and hope that you keep going to meetings. Any type that 'fits'. <hugs>

Geno71

lol Sorry this makes me laugh bc I didn't know what to pick for a name so I picked "Geno" and Geno is my dogs name. so...I am literally taking care of Geno hahaha and Nala, and Frisky...and Izzy....and Sydney....haha
yes he left me alone w/ 5 pets...that *****

JOIE12

We all have 'different' names .... to protect us from people who may come here that may know us.

JOIE isn't my real name, but it means JOY in French, Happiness ...

so you have a lot of pets to take care of ... (your comment made me laugh!)

Yogagurl

Geno,

The title to your post resonated with me and I felt I needed to respond. It's very unfortunate that addicts will put all things drug related before their loved ones. It's a double edged sword when you think about it: first the addict puts drugs before you, then the addict puts recovery before you. I'm very sorry you are going through the pains of this and I know it is very hard. Just keep reading and posting. That's what I did. There are so many different things that could be triggering his emotions right now, drug induced, guilt induced, confusion, selfishness, the list goes on. I know when I first broke it off with my AH, I wanted to focus on me and only me. And I'm not an addict, I'm a codependent with a serious need to nurture my own disease. I was only able to start moving forward by recognizing I can't control the thoughts, feelings, or actions of others and I needed to accept their decisions as being theirs. GEEZ, did that hurt!!!!! And it still does. I hope you can continue to take care of your pets, find love in them, find love in yourself, and let go of what you can't control. Most importantly though, I hope the pain of it all dissipates rapidly and you can find some happiness.

On another note, I have been front row to two opiate addicts in my life: my brother and my husband. I don't speak to either one of them and I don't know when or if I ever will again. Both of them have gone deep, deep into their addictions, stolen, lied, cheated, been hospitalized, lost family members, lost marriages. I watched them each graduate from 5mg oxycode to opana and heroin. Opiates are BAD BAD news. I am not saying this to discourage you from loving your fiance or for having hope for him, but the bottom line is that it's going to be a life long fight for him to stay sober. His addiction is likely going to be his first priority for the rest of his life, and that's whether he's using or abstaining.

Wishing you peace.

waitingforhope

Geno I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I am the wife of an addict and I could tell you what your future holds if you were to marry this man but I think inside you know already. I'm in the middle of divorcing the person I love. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do was follow through with that. I hope no one ever has to make that decision to save themselves and their children like I've had to do. If I could turn back time though knowing what my future was going to hold, I'd stop the clock to when my AH first asked me on a date and I'd say "no" and walk away. That's how badly an addiction hurts wives and children. You don't want that for your future. It's not in your power to save him.

Geno71

Heres n update for u all. I took him to rehab on a sunday, he called his new gf on friday to come get him. He left me for a younger heroin addict he met in his iop class. hahahahha. What a pig. they deserve each other

INgal

I am so sorry, Geno. But I am happy he spared you lifelong misery. You are stronger now.