newbie93

I know I am probably just driving myself crazy but wanted to get opinions on an issue and a reality check. My mom went to detox and outpatient rehab a year ago for a 30+ year pill addiction. If she’d had her way, she wouldn’t have gone, but claims to be sober ever since. The skeptic in me is still very doubtful, but I’m really trying to be objective.

My sister and I recently received an email from my dad warning us that his email may have been “hacked” and that he had an email that appeared from himself in his spam folder. He said he didn’t open the email but that it appeared to be about pharmaceuticals and from Eastern Europe. He was doing a scan on his computer but apparently warning us in case we were to receive any strange email from him. Under any other normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have thought much about it. However, I don’t know how on earth he would know it was from Eastern Europe without opening the message, and definitely don’t know how he’d know even if he did open it. I did a little Internet research and found that Eastern Europe is where a lot of people buy drugs such as valium (one of my AM’s drugs of choice) without a prescription. I’m wondering if the “spam” could have been an email back from an online order and they freaked out that it was sent out to everyone by mistake. I don’t want to jump to the wrong conclusion, but it’s just not settling well in my soul.

My dad has always been a huge enabler to my mom and I know he’s lied and covered for her in the past. And, the first time we started to see she had a problem, she faked a withdrawal from valium. My fear is that my AM is buying pills online. I know there is little I can do – my mom is going to do what she wants to do. But, I also wondered if anyone has experience with an addict buying pills online and if I sound like the crazy lady jumping to conclusions. I appreciate any insight – thanks!

tromboneliness

For awhile, my wife was buying cigarettes from Kazakhstan -- seriously, they were Russian-labeled Marlboros and came in a hand-addressed brown-paper package... tied up with string, I kid you not! That was not a problem -- her issue was booze, not cigarettes -- but one can get stuff overseas. My favorite decongestant (the active ingredient was called PPA) was taken off the over-the-counter market a few years ago, because of one flimsy study that supposedly showed that it caused a few strokes in test subjects. For awhile, you could still get it in these big liver-flavored doggie treats, but now even those are 'scrip-only. So unless I want to ask my doc for it, no PPA. Except that it's not illegal in Germany or India -- so if I really want some good decongestant, I can order it, quasi-legally, from either of those countries (although India is notorious for counterfeit drugs).

(How did I get onto that?) Oh ya -- if AM wants drugs, she's going to get drugs -- that's not something anyone can really stop. If she doesn't want to stay clean, that is her choice, and try as you might, she'll get them if she wants them.

But the flip side of that is, there's no need to obsess about it, because it's out of your hands -- it's not your fault for "not doing enough to keep her sober," as people will tell you. They are wrong -- there is not much we can do to keep someone else sober, other than leave them alone! This is counterintuitive, because we've been told, society gives the message, Hollywood makes us think, etc., that someone else drinks or uses because someone "drove me to drink," and "you'd take pills, too, if you had to live with you!" Stuff like that -- but that's crazy talk.

As for emails from yourself, etc., that does happen -- your address gets out there onto a mailing list, some spammer gets hold of it, etc., and they try to fool people into opening a message that looks like it's from you. It's happened to me from time to time -- hard to prevent it altogether. One way is to have more than one address, and use one for "commercial" stuff and the other one for your personal contacts. Not perfect, but it helps....

T

thotful

I totally understand feeling worried fro your AM. My AF has high blood pressure and has to take medication. Guess what he's not supposed to ingest while taking the medication? Alcohol
I have felt anxiety over the idea that my father is mixing medication with alcohol (and the fact that the alcohol probably CAUSED his high blood pressure).

Another thing - my father apparently fell at Xmas a couple years ago. Only one person told me. I don't know a thing about how it was viewed. There was certainly a lot of "hush-hush" around the incident.

Thus, the idea is that my father is very likely doing things that hurt him. Things out in the open, and things in hiding that other people probably help him hide.

It's super frustrating. Not only can I not intervene and get him to stop drinking. I can't always know exactly what's true. Denial is at the heart of the disease of alcoholism. I don't trust most of my FOO members to be honest with me about what's going on. I suppose I chalk it up to the effects of the disease. It not only impacts the alcoholic, but the loved ones around them. Dishonesty, triangulation, enabling, etc. I don't even know the whole story - how much he drinks, how often he mixes it with medication, how often he's fallen, etc. I don't get to know the full truth. Maybe "knowing the full truth" is something I can't control? How aggravating!

I guess the trick is to hope to find the wisdom to know the difference between what you can control and what you can't. Do something about the things you can control, and accept the things that you can't control.

I wish you well in figuring out which is which. It's a daily thing I struggle with as well. What do I hand over to the "higher power" to take care of, and what do I decide is something that is truly my responsibility?

My dad's probably drinking heavily right now. Like the emperor with no clothes. Only a few of my FOO acknowledge that he's walking around naked. Others swear he's wearing regal clothing and I'm full of BS. Metaphorically speaking. It's aggravating! I am truly grateful for SR and my 12-step groups!

tromboneliness

Not sure if I told you guys this one -- which, I swear, is a true story -- but my Dad ran my Mom over with the car, the day before this party we were having for their 50th anniversary. What happened was that my Mom was getting in on the passenger side, but hadn't gotten all the way in, and my Dad started backing up. She fell, and her leg went under the car, and he rolled right over it! Her leg got scraped up and bruised, but not broken, and they just went inside, cleaned her up, and tried to pretend nothing happened.

My sister was staying with them (flew in from out of town for the party), and in the middle of the night, heard them talking. "It's hurting pretty bad. Think we should go to the hospital?" "No, let's see how you're doing in the morning, then we'll decide," etc. My Dad would have been, let's see, 87 at the time, and my Mom was no longer able to drive because of other injuries -- so naturally, they didn't want him to be no longer able to drive either, because then they'd be stuck out in the middle of this sprawling suburb, with no way to get anywhere. So it was of the utmost importance to keep this incident under wraps if at all possible. My sister, however, heard the discussion, and figured out what had happened.

Naturally -- my Dad having had the entire family intimidated to the max, as had been the case all our lives -- nothing happened. Everyone acted as if he had not run over my Mom, he was allowed to continue driving (until the state finally pulled his license a year or so later), and generally, there was no particular fallout from this incident. The party went on as scheduled the next day, and my Mom -- despite being in obvious pain -- said nothing about it!

And they say we're the ones who act like children around here?



T