seasaw

Full disclosure: I haven't been to any meetings in a week, and I haven't seen my therapist in almost two weeks (one long weekend, one scheduling goof). I've been reading but not much.

I am crying again. It got me in the laundrymat. My NC AM's voice started up in my head - 'What are you doing in a laundrymat at your age? Why don't you have your own laundry?' My own place, for that matter. A job. A degree. And down the rabbit hole we go. All the negative self-talk you can think of.

A book I'm reading is that children who are born to mothers like mine (borderline/narcissistic) grow up to be either over achievers or self sabateurs. I am the latter. My mom raised me to think I was SO SMART I would have no trouble at all becoming both secretary of state AND a famous soprano - but would put down my abilities/diminish my experience in so many other more subtle ways. I never learned how to finish anything. I have failed to make her academic dreams for me come true, and now I don't have the love and support of any parent - just the bile of a hateful addict/alcoholic who I have to accept will never be the supportive mom I want or even once thought I had, when I was younger and didn't recognize how effed up the stuff was that would come out of her mouth.

I feel like I've already failed so why bother trying at anything. And I'm fully aware of how annoying that sounds!

Ugh, I apologize for the pity party. Right now I'm on a loop of 'my mom doesn't love me' and thinking about how lucky people are when they have people out there caring about them and rooting for them. I know I do to an extent - but it's not the same as what you'd get from one's mom.

Thanks for listening. Just a brief low point. I'll get back on the self-care tomorrow.

seasaw

Sorry for typos and wonky sentences! I typed that out on my phone...

happybeingme

Boy, do I understand. My mother is a narcissist. She is a victim/martyr. I grew up thinking I have no control over anything. I self sabotage as well. Why try to achieve anything? It could disappear in a moment. That's still my biggest challenge.

While it still makes me sad at times I am coming to accept that my mother isn't capable of love for anyone so I did nothing wrong. I just got cheated when assigned my parents.

AnybodyNobody

Seasaw, I can totally relate to how you are feeling.
I was an overacheiver as a young student and then as time went on and the real challenges of high school->college->working life hit, I realized that I didn't actually have the skills to follow through on those big dreams I had. And I just gave up. My life in terms of worldly success isn't at all what I imagined as a young child. I wasn't taught how to problem solve the challenges or break those big tasks into manageable goals.

It is painful grieving the past and that my life isn't where I thought it would be. Hard not to compare in those down times to the people in my life who have/had supportive parents and "have their sh*t together" so to speak.

Like happybeing me said, it helps when I can accept that my parents just didn't have what I needed them to give. Some days are definitely harder than others. But you can see what is going on for you when you are in that loop, which is a big step towards getting out of the loop. Hang in there.

ardy

oh seasaw... just you need to find you and enjoy who you are and will be.. we can do anything. that we want we just have to have the time to do it.. Parents.. keekkeek ...my Mom is my friend and my Mom.. my Pop was a nasty drunk.. but I still love him.. he has been gone now since 1999... funny I do not keep track of the number of years just the year he died... I am a parent.. love my kids very much. never told them they could not do something.. just never had much in the line of funds to help much.. so we all worked hard together and they have great adult lives.. since 1995... wish there was something I could say that would help as a Mom... as an Old Marine.. I can say Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and keep punching babe Keep Punching.. you can do it.. hold this group tight to you.. and they will help so much.

sing ahhahah I was given a nickel by a little girl years ago .. My Daddy said to give you this and ask you not to sing... haahhaah I am a Lady Clown that can turn 400 people in any direction with my voice .. my cats will chase me. hahahaha
as a young person I had to be a good example for all my sisiters and little cousins.. never did I ask for more then I was given and never did I take more then offered.. I have 2 sisters that are overachiever's and one that just lives in a dream of her own..
you can do this I know it and all you have to do is re-invent you.. and learn to live with that creation of who you want to be... hugs ardy..

ajarlson

Ah the little voice. I started hearing my NC AM this weekend as well but it was in the form of guilt. The doubt creeps in, maybe I should call her, maybe she's doing better, maybe it wasn't really that bad... I also know the "you're not good enough" voice. Hang in there!! We are good enough!!

seasaw

thank you... i'm just waking up and i opened my laptop and found these replies. ardy yours brought tears to my eyes

it just helps to read the words 'i can relate'. anybodynobody, when you said "I wasn't taught how to problem solve the challenges or break those big tasks into manageable goals" - this very thing is something i think about ALL the time because i second guess myself about it - maybe i was being stubborn and lazy, people tried to teach me and i didn't learn. OR maybe it's true, people said 'you can do anything you want' but never taught me HOW. and that would explain a lot of my difficulties in school when i was a CHILD (along with a host of other things like switching schools every 1-3 years even though we didn't move). but now that i'm a grown up it's just more fuel for me to get hate myself. to be honest. why haven't i learned this sh*t by NOW? am i just one of those people who gets stuck blaming everything on their mother but doesn't do anything about it? (i want to do something... i still don't know what that something is.) will i ever be able to 'fix' myself?

to be honest it's THIS STUFF that is getting in the way of me getting a job right now. i have to start working soon, and the thought of it sends me into a state of terror, like i'm having a really hard time forcing myself to type about it. i haven't even had the nerve to bring it up in therapy or groups. the idea of going back to school is galling, mortifying. i feel frozen with fear. my mom was SO judgmental about what kind of jobs people had, what sort of education and where.... i am NOT, or if i am my judgement tends to swing the opposite way hers did, but i still have her voice in my head judging, judging, adding her two cents...

apparently she told my aunt a few weeks ago 'at least YOUR children grew up to have families, and got masters and doctorates' (my aunt doesn't usually let things like that slip. oops.) i don't even want kids so that part doesn't bug me... but professional success? or you know, the means to support myself?

i know. therapy. therapy. therapy. i feels really great when people know what i'm talking about!

the book i'm reading now (with the dramatic but grabby title of 'will i ever be good enough?') is helping me understand some things. but it's also really upsetting! then again i haven't gotten to the 'how we heal' chapters...

ajarlson... i had that voice recently too. 'maybe she's getting better... maybe she isn't drinking as much/taking as many pills and is hurt that i left her in her time of need...' EFF THAT! then SHE should be sending a letter of apology for putting me through all the crap she did! never, gonna, happen.

ajarlson

Yeah, I don't think she would ever send an apology because in her mind it never happened. She knows she left me with my grandparents but doesn't really get the damage that did. And from then on she's clueless, doesn't even see the stuff that happened. When I would try to talk to her about it she would literally tell me that's not the way it happened. So what to do? Continue a relationship based on different realities? I just don't see a reason for that and yet the guilt voice is still in my head. It took me a long time to get rid of the "you're not good enough" voice but I can say that I don't hear that one very often anymore. Hang in there and yes, therapy therapy therapy LOL

DoubleDragons

It is so hard to disentangle your mom's voice and yours, especially when your mom's voice was treated like the only one that mattered. I have so many thoughts and feelings related to this post, I don't even know where to begin. I am always on the search for this wise, warm, caring mother figure but I never find her and then I find myself trying to be that for other people, who don't want that or even need it, or for those that do want the caretaking, before long I am feeling "sucked dry" and resentful.
I always hear my mother's voice judging everyone, so I don't trust my impressions of people either.

My mother has never worked a real job a day in her life and has had very little interests throughout her life, yet she put down every other woman who did have jobs and interests. I was taught the ultimate was "being taken care of" by a man, but I find myself wishing that I had pursued more of a career.

Seasaw, all that I can say is that I relate to your post, girl! Chin up, most days don't feel as bad as our "wallowing days", but it is good to not stuff our feelings.

ajarlson

Wow DoubleDragons - that's interesting that your mom has never worked a real job in her life. I would say the same of mine, as a musician she was always on strange schedules, working nights or traveling. She does not know the idea of getting up and being at the same place every day for 8 or 9 hours a day. And yet she had the audacity to tell me time and again how she know how difficult it was to work and raise a family (not even mentioning that she had me as a 14 year old babysitting and doing her housework). Also the judgement of others, people working fast food, people with accents, people who lived in mobile homes, people on drugs - she was better than all of them. I too struggle with those thoughts in my head and have to actively banish them. Not sure why I started hearing that voice this weekend but sure is nice to have people to talk to that hear the same voices.

Spalding

Whoa. Dragons, you said your mum plays victim/martyr. I now wonder if something just clicked. I think mine does too.

Everything is always about winning/losing, or not being the victim (and yet she gives everyone else her power through the 'you make me feel, he did that, I react like that so...) and also through martrydom: look at what I did for you, I fought for this, look at how he does that and Im the only one to take him up on it, he;s a suicide bomber, I have the decency, everyone else is afraid of him.

Does it sound like Im on the right track here guys?
(Sorry to hijack!)

ajarlson

My mother used to joke that her name was <name> Martyr. I suppose at some point it was funny but that stopped being funny a very long time ago. Oh well. A bit depressed today, thinking of her and there are days when letting go is easier than others.

thotful

I try to work on letting go of hoping I could ever control the behavior of other people. Even if their behavior is so upsetting to me. They can call me names, argue about what I'm doing is wrong (refer to my counseling and Al-Anon as "fluff"), pointing fingers. I can do nothing about any of that.

So, I find my power within myself. The only voice I can change is my own. Work to accept myself as I am. The better I am at that, I think the less I will rely on my FOO's approval. The more successful at that I am, the less power they have over me. Their words will be like a light breeze...PASSING BY.

I don't know if my mother's or father's or sibling's judgment of my life will continue to be a voice in my brain forever (I have the same frustration of the viewpoint of 'the only way a person establishes value is by having a job' rolling in my head when I know it's not my own thoughts - it's bass ackwards - EVERY human being has value, period. A job is a great thing - it can provide financial support and fuel a passion to be present in the world - but it can also be very draining - is the job for status, approval, money only? in that case - the job has little value in my life? What do we write on head-stones? great scientist? phd? H*LL NO! we write - mother, father, sister, brother, son, daughter, wife, husband!). I said to my counselor the other day, I look forward to the time where the negative influence of my childhood (the bad parts) no longer haunts me and I can break the cycle. I also hope I can keep the good parts that I did like. I think there's value in working hard - I just don't think people should be treated like dirt if I don't think they're working hard enough. Judgmental bs.

I'm so glad I am where I am now. But I've got so much more work to do. I guess I'll try to appreciate progress and not expect perfection.

NWGRITS

Seasaw, your post brought up so much emotion in me tonight. I was the overachiever until everyone stopped holding my hand and the work actually had to be done by me without the elementary school accolades and stickers for spelling my name correctly. That was when I realized I had zero coping skills, and that being allowed to quit things like ballet just because I didn't feel like going after one bad day had done irreparable harm. So I became a self-saboteur extraordinaire. I still am in so many ways. The pressures get to me and I isolate and just say "I don't give a damn" and act like I'm too good for it all, blahblahbullshit. I have gotten better at accepting some things though, like knowing that this degree I've been working on isn't something I ever really wanted in the first place. I just lost my financial aid for good and I'm RELIEVED. That's a gorilla off my back that I've wanted gone for so long.

I'm learning my strengths and my weakness and who I am as a person, as opposed to who I was supposed to be in order to be the perfect spawn. I've always worked since I had kids, and doing the juggling to be SuperMom was exhausting and I was miserable. I quit my job in October and pulled my girls out of daycare to stay home with them. I now can homeschool on a flexible schedule with my autistic daughter instead of having a rigid timeframe that could prove absolutely explosive on a bad day. I've accepted that my health won't ever allow me to really work ever again, and I'M HAPPY. Yep, happy. Because I am enough to my children and my husband and none of them expects more out of me than the love and attention they already receive. It's taken over 13 years of my adult life to get to this point, but know that it is possible. You can find happiness and stop bringing yourself down (so much lol). I still struggle with my freelance work - every time my writing is accepted, I'm genuinely surprised - but it's getting better. Don't let the bad days drag you down. I know how hard it is to pull yourself up when you're so used to curling up at the bottom and telling everyone and everything to GTFO. I really do. But you'll get through this and find better days ahead. (((HUGS)))

irisgardens

Seasaw...relate and resonate with what you said...and all the posts afterwards...and the words and experiences shared from people with the courage to share here...also resonate...and will lead to continued to healing.

You helped me understand that when I hear my mother's voice (have been hearing it very definitely for the past 2 years off and on...as have gone through truly difficult situations that have challenged me to the max). The one thing I know is that I will not be supported by my mother as I supported her until she told me what she really thought of me 2 years after my Dad's death...and it matched what I felt and believed from a young age...but wasn't equipped to either deal with or know what to do.

Am at a stage in my where my adult children (3 daughters, 2 sons) have chosen to tell me how they really feel and it hasn't been good...and it has re-triggered so much about me and mom...and caused a lot of confusion, self-doubt and self-blame in the midst of the work have spent almost 20 years doing--yes, therapy; other inner spiritual work; EMDR and other body processing techniques...etc.

Just by sharing and the thread responses...am blessed to deal with some of the deeper stuff that has been triggered and is asking to be dealt with.

Thank you...so grateful to all.

seasaw

Hi all - wanted to say I am really grateful for all of your replies. I have been re-reading them. I have been in the same headspace, for the most part, since I posted (we had some out-of-towners for a couple of days which was a good distraction and I managed to act like a human being). I have just started some new meds (cross fading from an SSRI to an SNRI) and I've been getting 'the woozies' as I call them.

I have been coming back to this thread for comfort. Derail away - it's not even derailing!! I'm just SO GRATEFUL that we all have this space to come together. Please if anyone has any random thoughts just keep posting them. I will post in a more topical way when my head is less fuzzy!