Relapse: When to set the final boundary?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Davis CA
Posts: 2
Relapse: When to set the final boundary?
Greetings all,
I feel as though I'm not in such a different situation as many of the other people on this support group. It's nice to have this forum as an outlet and I wanted to take a minute to share my story. While just writing it down is therapeutic, I would be grateful for any insight into my personal situation.
I have been with my partner for a total of 4 years, two of those engaged. Needless-to-say, we are not married (mainly b/c of money) but the other is his abuse of alcohol. For simplicity, let's call my alcoholic Jimmy.
Well, when I met Jimmy he was always a heavy drinker. Later, I came to know this was beyond heavy and that of an addict. I came to a breaking point a little over a year ago. I expressed my frustration with the drinking and then the hiding/lying about the drinking. He did the "scaling back", which doesn't work. So, a year ago, it was a pretty bad week when that one social beer turned into a one week bender. It was at that time that I starting to stop caring and I hit my wall. I said it wasn't fair to me and I was done with the drinking. He was very emotional and he said he realized drinking was a problem. Particularly, that drinking was no longer fun but a coping mechanism. I let him decide how to act, and he decided to go cold turkey. We went to therapy once a week and he quit his "trigger" job to focus on his recovery. Jimmy spent this last year sober. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone coherent and able to hold a conversation, complete an entire movie or just shoot the breeze. It was difficult for him, but I could see a spark in him realizing there was more to life than alcohol. Also, he realized alcohol was a barrier to so much of his personal success and growth.
Things as of late haven't been so peachy. As the title suggests, I discovered that this week he has relapsed. It was all my intuition. I come home to slurred speech, wobbly on his feet, quick change in mood. It wasn't until I had to play detective and found an empty bottle in the outside trash. At least I wasn't crazy!? right? Ugh, such a nice feeling but then now I have to deal with this. I have yet to confront Jimmy that I know. I have to digest this first.
In the past, I said I didn't want to have a life with an active alcoholic. Obviously, sobriety is a journey he has to undertake and navigate himself. I understand it is his issue and his responsibility. That is very clear to me. What is a little wonky, is when to allow Jimmy to continue his journey to sobriety in the absence of my life.
Life gets complicated, and sometimes very quickly. For instance, I'll be in Africa next month for 5 weeks and in 6 months we were planning to move to London so I can start a job there. A dream job that would require me to spend extended periods of time helping sick children with malaria. But here comes alcohol again, to ruin the 5 year plan (job/house/kids). It just makes me uneasy about moving across the world with someone I'm not sure will be able to take care of the house/ dog/ future kids/ even himself, while I'm away. I don't want that responsibility, I shouldn't have to! It makes sense that to continue life with me (or anyone for that matter), sobriety is up to the alcoholic. I want my kids in 5 years, but not with an alcoholic that lies and hides his addiction which can directly affect judgement and function. That's not my responsibility. (50/50). So frustrating when the choice is so clear. Unfortunately, that is not one I can make for him.
So, when do you set the final boundary? I have yet to confront Jimmy that I know it's started again. Time is ticking. Such a practical question with a very muddled answer.
I know this could all depend on how he wants to proceed and how much I want to allow in my life. Its a tight rope to walk. I'm okay with cutting the cord, but I know it's be a difficult rope to cut.
Thank god we aren't married with kids! I feel for the people on here in much worse scenarios.
Thanks for reading.
I feel as though I'm not in such a different situation as many of the other people on this support group. It's nice to have this forum as an outlet and I wanted to take a minute to share my story. While just writing it down is therapeutic, I would be grateful for any insight into my personal situation.
I have been with my partner for a total of 4 years, two of those engaged. Needless-to-say, we are not married (mainly b/c of money) but the other is his abuse of alcohol. For simplicity, let's call my alcoholic Jimmy.
Well, when I met Jimmy he was always a heavy drinker. Later, I came to know this was beyond heavy and that of an addict. I came to a breaking point a little over a year ago. I expressed my frustration with the drinking and then the hiding/lying about the drinking. He did the "scaling back", which doesn't work. So, a year ago, it was a pretty bad week when that one social beer turned into a one week bender. It was at that time that I starting to stop caring and I hit my wall. I said it wasn't fair to me and I was done with the drinking. He was very emotional and he said he realized drinking was a problem. Particularly, that drinking was no longer fun but a coping mechanism. I let him decide how to act, and he decided to go cold turkey. We went to therapy once a week and he quit his "trigger" job to focus on his recovery. Jimmy spent this last year sober. It was a breath of fresh air to have someone coherent and able to hold a conversation, complete an entire movie or just shoot the breeze. It was difficult for him, but I could see a spark in him realizing there was more to life than alcohol. Also, he realized alcohol was a barrier to so much of his personal success and growth.
Things as of late haven't been so peachy. As the title suggests, I discovered that this week he has relapsed. It was all my intuition. I come home to slurred speech, wobbly on his feet, quick change in mood. It wasn't until I had to play detective and found an empty bottle in the outside trash. At least I wasn't crazy!? right? Ugh, such a nice feeling but then now I have to deal with this. I have yet to confront Jimmy that I know. I have to digest this first.
In the past, I said I didn't want to have a life with an active alcoholic. Obviously, sobriety is a journey he has to undertake and navigate himself. I understand it is his issue and his responsibility. That is very clear to me. What is a little wonky, is when to allow Jimmy to continue his journey to sobriety in the absence of my life.
Life gets complicated, and sometimes very quickly. For instance, I'll be in Africa next month for 5 weeks and in 6 months we were planning to move to London so I can start a job there. A dream job that would require me to spend extended periods of time helping sick children with malaria. But here comes alcohol again, to ruin the 5 year plan (job/house/kids). It just makes me uneasy about moving across the world with someone I'm not sure will be able to take care of the house/ dog/ future kids/ even himself, while I'm away. I don't want that responsibility, I shouldn't have to! It makes sense that to continue life with me (or anyone for that matter), sobriety is up to the alcoholic. I want my kids in 5 years, but not with an alcoholic that lies and hides his addiction which can directly affect judgement and function. That's not my responsibility. (50/50). So frustrating when the choice is so clear. Unfortunately, that is not one I can make for him.
So, when do you set the final boundary? I have yet to confront Jimmy that I know it's started again. Time is ticking. Such a practical question with a very muddled answer.
I know this could all depend on how he wants to proceed and how much I want to allow in my life. Its a tight rope to walk. I'm okay with cutting the cord, but I know it's be a difficult rope to cut.
Thank god we aren't married with kids! I feel for the people on here in much worse scenarios.
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey Doc. You seem to have an incredibly good head on your shoulders, and very healthy boundaries for what you will and will not live with in your life. That's an excellent place to start.
No one here can tell you how much is too much or when to cut the cord. We can tell you that recovery from alcoholism is fairly rare, very difficult, and comes with zero guarantees. When making decisions like this the only thing you have to go on is what you are dealing with right now. You have a lot of goals for the future that you have every right to accomplish. It sounds like you already suspect that you might not be able to accomplish those goals with an alcoholic as your partner.
The real question for you is do you want to put your future plans and goals in someone else's hands? Are you willing to sacrifice your five-year plan if you decide to stay with this person?
No one here can tell you how much is too much or when to cut the cord. We can tell you that recovery from alcoholism is fairly rare, very difficult, and comes with zero guarantees. When making decisions like this the only thing you have to go on is what you are dealing with right now. You have a lot of goals for the future that you have every right to accomplish. It sounds like you already suspect that you might not be able to accomplish those goals with an alcoholic as your partner.
The real question for you is do you want to put your future plans and goals in someone else's hands? Are you willing to sacrifice your five-year plan if you decide to stay with this person?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
So, when do you set the final boundary? I have yet to confront Jimmy that I know it's started again. Time is ticking. Such a practical question with a very muddled answer.
For me, my boundary is "I don't want to live with an active alcoholic." If I were in your shoes, I'd call it quits. There's no need for one-last-chances and weepy make-up promises or heated ultimatums. You sound like you have huge strides that you're making in your life, really big plans, plans that won't work if you're trying to hold up someone who is dead set on self-destruction. I will tell you from experience that alcoholism will ruin all those plans and then some, and that in my experience, waiting for my XA to get it together was one of the worst and soul-sucking decisions I ever made. Thank dog I was able to get away.
Are you willing to give up your plans for someone else? I was once, I'm not now.
Cut your losses. Live your life. Save some lives.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Dr. Immuno,
I think you gave him time to get his life together and he failed. Trust would be too much of an issue with such expectations for him to handle a family and household abroad while you save the world.
Wow. A five year plan. I once had all sorts of life plans. I chucked almost all of them. Living with an A will do that to you and in recovery you realize they cannot handle stress and expectations like a normie.
Good luck with your decision. I wish you well.
I think you gave him time to get his life together and he failed. Trust would be too much of an issue with such expectations for him to handle a family and household abroad while you save the world.
Wow. A five year plan. I once had all sorts of life plans. I chucked almost all of them. Living with an A will do that to you and in recovery you realize they cannot handle stress and expectations like a normie.
Good luck with your decision. I wish you well.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Sorry to say girlie, it sounds like you already know your answer.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. And I disagree with your last comment about how this will all depend on how he wants to proceed....it doesn't. It is simply the latter end of your sentence, which was how much are you willing to allow in your life?
It sounds like you have major plans for your life...plans that kind of make me jealous, in fact!
To be able to travel and help children is so amazing!! Wow!!!! Super super cool!
I understand the grief factor here, and you will have it, regardless of your choice. If you stay, you will grieve the loss of the potential to have a stable relationship (staying with an alcoholic always will have the relapse potential), if you leave you grieve the loss of him. It's going to suck either way.
Hugs! Keep coming back here if this helps! It's been a God sent to me.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. And I disagree with your last comment about how this will all depend on how he wants to proceed....it doesn't. It is simply the latter end of your sentence, which was how much are you willing to allow in your life?
It sounds like you have major plans for your life...plans that kind of make me jealous, in fact!
To be able to travel and help children is so amazing!! Wow!!!! Super super cool! I understand the grief factor here, and you will have it, regardless of your choice. If you stay, you will grieve the loss of the potential to have a stable relationship (staying with an alcoholic always will have the relapse potential), if you leave you grieve the loss of him. It's going to suck either way.
Hugs! Keep coming back here if this helps! It's been a God sent to me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, we all have our own levels of tolerance. (Welcome, BTW!) What is tolerable for one person will not be for another.
You've had the discussion, he's had a fair chance.
I think it it were I, I would be inclined to call off any marriage plans and go follow my dreams without him. If he gets his act together and you are available and so inclined you can revisit the relationship in the future. But for right now, your opportunities will not stand still while you wait to see if his recovery efforts ultimately "take". One other thing to consider--even if he gets sober, starting a new life overseas will put an incredible strain on early sobriety. My first husband was sober a year when we got married. Six months later we moved across the country for me to begin law school. He had to find a job, support us, and maintain his sobriety (he was/is in AA). If I'd known then what I know now about early sobriety (I'm six years sober myself, now), I never would have asked him to do that. He did stay sober and just celebrated 35 years, and I'm very proud of him. But I think an awful lot of people would have caved with that amount of stress and change.
You've had the discussion, he's had a fair chance.
I think it it were I, I would be inclined to call off any marriage plans and go follow my dreams without him. If he gets his act together and you are available and so inclined you can revisit the relationship in the future. But for right now, your opportunities will not stand still while you wait to see if his recovery efforts ultimately "take". One other thing to consider--even if he gets sober, starting a new life overseas will put an incredible strain on early sobriety. My first husband was sober a year when we got married. Six months later we moved across the country for me to begin law school. He had to find a job, support us, and maintain his sobriety (he was/is in AA). If I'd known then what I know now about early sobriety (I'm six years sober myself, now), I never would have asked him to do that. He did stay sober and just celebrated 35 years, and I'm very proud of him. But I think an awful lot of people would have caved with that amount of stress and change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I think this is a question that you alone have to answer.
It is complicated your so right!
I think you have a good understanding of your own life goals, and maybe need to be very honest and think about how Jimmy does fit in, and if you can live with the possibility of his relapsing even if he gets this back under right now. The way I was taught about addiction, Ive come to think about it as being like other medical issues that have to be dealt with within a family. And there are many issues like bipolar, clinical depression, anxiety that also deeply affect family members IMO.
Im also a big believer people can leave it behind especially through the use of proper medical and psychological treatment such as the counseling your significant was using. But recovery can be a winding road for all involved and it can interfere with plans and dreams especially when there is a timetable.
I was very scared for the future at first because I want to start a family in the next few years too. But I have no doubts about my husband, and I think we will just build safety measures into all our plans just in case there are future problems. In our case, I think its something we can realistically do.
I think communication methods and timing are very important in terms of discussing this with him. My husbands addiction doctor had us work out plans in case of a relapse so I can fall back on these to direct me. If Jimmy was sober for a year, then most likely something triggered him, or an emotional undercurrent was gaining strength before this happened. If you can discuss it in a non confrontational way Id say its the best option. Im thinking before giving him any final declaration on your part, you need to let your own shock and feelings settle. We also do family counseling and this might be something you would want to consider before making final decisions. I did individual too and found it very helpful.
It is complicated your so right!
I think you have a good understanding of your own life goals, and maybe need to be very honest and think about how Jimmy does fit in, and if you can live with the possibility of his relapsing even if he gets this back under right now. The way I was taught about addiction, Ive come to think about it as being like other medical issues that have to be dealt with within a family. And there are many issues like bipolar, clinical depression, anxiety that also deeply affect family members IMO.
Im also a big believer people can leave it behind especially through the use of proper medical and psychological treatment such as the counseling your significant was using. But recovery can be a winding road for all involved and it can interfere with plans and dreams especially when there is a timetable.
I was very scared for the future at first because I want to start a family in the next few years too. But I have no doubts about my husband, and I think we will just build safety measures into all our plans just in case there are future problems. In our case, I think its something we can realistically do.
I think communication methods and timing are very important in terms of discussing this with him. My husbands addiction doctor had us work out plans in case of a relapse so I can fall back on these to direct me. If Jimmy was sober for a year, then most likely something triggered him, or an emotional undercurrent was gaining strength before this happened. If you can discuss it in a non confrontational way Id say its the best option. Im thinking before giving him any final declaration on your part, you need to let your own shock and feelings settle. We also do family counseling and this might be something you would want to consider before making final decisions. I did individual too and found it very helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I'm with Lexie on this.
The relapse is ALWAYS a possibility. Is that okay for you?
And, relapses can be a one-night event, or they can spiral into years of more drinking...
I think instead of waiting for him to figure it out, which he should (you're right about that!), you can get on with YOUR life, and, yeah, hopefully he gets it together. If not, then at least you'll be where you want to be in your life.
I am currently doing the same thing. I broke it off with my xabf and we had plans to move in together this fall. NOT going to happen. He has resolved to begin AA and talks a lot about wanting to get sober and yadda yadda. I'm rooting for him. But from a distance. In the mean time, I am busy with my life getting it to go where I want it to go, regardless of what he is doing. If he's lucky, I'll still be here. If I'm lucky, I won't have caved too soon before he has a good amount of time sober under his belt.
I was actually just thinking today of what I would tell him if we did end up back together in the future. Such as, if he goes back to drinking, what will happen with us....
Guess you're doing this in hind sight... Hope it all works out for you!
The relapse is ALWAYS a possibility. Is that okay for you?
And, relapses can be a one-night event, or they can spiral into years of more drinking...
I think instead of waiting for him to figure it out, which he should (you're right about that!), you can get on with YOUR life, and, yeah, hopefully he gets it together. If not, then at least you'll be where you want to be in your life.
I am currently doing the same thing. I broke it off with my xabf and we had plans to move in together this fall. NOT going to happen. He has resolved to begin AA and talks a lot about wanting to get sober and yadda yadda. I'm rooting for him. But from a distance. In the mean time, I am busy with my life getting it to go where I want it to go, regardless of what he is doing. If he's lucky, I'll still be here. If I'm lucky, I won't have caved too soon before he has a good amount of time sober under his belt.
I was actually just thinking today of what I would tell him if we did end up back together in the future. Such as, if he goes back to drinking, what will happen with us....
Guess you're doing this in hind sight... Hope it all works out for you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
Hey Doc. You know when your boundaries have been crossed when you start questioning it. If you are at a point where you've accepted the unacceptable on a gradual basis, and now you are accepting more...you've allowed yourself to forget your boundaries. It doesn't get better. You'll lose more. He'll have so much room to dance all over your boundaries that you'll be backed into this little corner with no boundaries left to offer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
So frustrating when the choice is so clear. Unfortunately, that is not one I can make for him.
the choice is only CLEAR to the person NOT afflicted by alcoholism or addiction. if it was as easy as JUST STOP, we wouldn't need boards like this, treatment centers, medications, therapists, addiction specialists, 12 step programs and so on. the decision to drink again after a period of sobriety IS made while no longer under the influence of alcohol, but still by the disease itself, which at best is ever only put into remission, never completely eradicated or cured.
the journey of recovery is life long....the committment to remain sober every day, one day at a time, no matter what must be renewed every day. one drink can undo the whole thing. as you have seen. it's called cunning, baffling and powerful in the Big Book of AA.
i once had 7.5 years sobriety and made the conscious decision to drink again. knowing EXACTLY what i was throwing away, the damage it would do to my marriage if/when my husband found out (he had about 10 years clean and sober then), and that i wouldn't be able to get the genie back in the bottle. know what? NONE of that mattered as i rationalized that first drink....and once i started drinking again, i began to HATE the still sober parts of my life, where i pretended to be the good wife and good mother. i had a wonderful life and it became meaningless empty and suffocating.
you have a spectacular future right ahead of you, please don't let anything or anyone get in the way. and don't drag jimmy along for the ride. he hasn't really done a stand up job of showing himself to be real honest to go husband or father material........
the choice is only CLEAR to the person NOT afflicted by alcoholism or addiction. if it was as easy as JUST STOP, we wouldn't need boards like this, treatment centers, medications, therapists, addiction specialists, 12 step programs and so on. the decision to drink again after a period of sobriety IS made while no longer under the influence of alcohol, but still by the disease itself, which at best is ever only put into remission, never completely eradicated or cured.
the journey of recovery is life long....the committment to remain sober every day, one day at a time, no matter what must be renewed every day. one drink can undo the whole thing. as you have seen. it's called cunning, baffling and powerful in the Big Book of AA.
i once had 7.5 years sobriety and made the conscious decision to drink again. knowing EXACTLY what i was throwing away, the damage it would do to my marriage if/when my husband found out (he had about 10 years clean and sober then), and that i wouldn't be able to get the genie back in the bottle. know what? NONE of that mattered as i rationalized that first drink....and once i started drinking again, i began to HATE the still sober parts of my life, where i pretended to be the good wife and good mother. i had a wonderful life and it became meaningless empty and suffocating.
you have a spectacular future right ahead of you, please don't let anything or anyone get in the way. and don't drag jimmy along for the ride. he hasn't really done a stand up job of showing himself to be real honest to go husband or father material........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Davis CA
Posts: 2
Thanks everyone. It's nice to read your comments. It was a very difficult and emotional confrontation. I got two things out of it; 1) apology 2) the truth. It started back 6 months ago and has ramped up to 4/5 days a week the last 2 months. I was shocked. Still shocked.
I asked him to pack an overnight bag and he's gone to his family's house.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or the next year or so on. I just know I need to sit with my thoughts.
Everyone had great thoughts and advice. I'll probably read them over again in a bit.
The lying. The bold-face lying. Makes me exhausted thinking about it.
I asked him to pack an overnight bag and he's gone to his family's house.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or the next year or so on. I just know I need to sit with my thoughts.
Everyone had great thoughts and advice. I'll probably read them over again in a bit.
The lying. The bold-face lying. Makes me exhausted thinking about it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
alcoholics are great at "apologies" - also known as the Alcoholic Oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen again.....
which is usually followed by more drinking......
and then THE TRUTH.....oh sure they will admit to SOME stuff.....a few drinks is many drinks, 6 months is a year. they will admit to as much as will get the loved one off their backs.
until there is a complete capitulation and wholesale CHANGE in attitude, outlook, and approach, all else is just blowing smoke. unless they THROW themselves into recovery, grasp it like a drowning man to a life ring, they just aren't done yet.
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen again.....
which is usually followed by more drinking......
and then THE TRUTH.....oh sure they will admit to SOME stuff.....a few drinks is many drinks, 6 months is a year. they will admit to as much as will get the loved one off their backs.
until there is a complete capitulation and wholesale CHANGE in attitude, outlook, and approach, all else is just blowing smoke. unless they THROW themselves into recovery, grasp it like a drowning man to a life ring, they just aren't done yet.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I'm sorry to hear about the lying. It is a destructive force in itself.
This article we post here a lot. A few of these on this site really helped me a lot when I started to learn about addiction.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
This article we post here a lot. A few of these on this site really helped me a lot when I started to learn about addiction.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by CodeJob 
I'm sorry to hear about the lying. It is a destructive force in itself.
This article we post here a lot. A few of these on this site really helped me a lot when I started to learn about addiction.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
This article we post here a lot. A few of these on this site really helped me a lot when I started to learn about addiction.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
I found it really really interesting about the part where progressed alcoholism can be likened to schizophrenia. My sister developed onset schizophrenia in her early 20's. It's no joke how her reality became skewed. And worse, after a while of taking the proper meds, her illness always manages to convince herself that she is not mentally ill, in fact, and that everyone is just out to get her. And so she stops taking the meds, A-walls from her hospital, and goes missing on the streets until police arrest her, yet again, and decide to throw her into another 72 hour psych evaluation that leads her to another hospital where the whole thing starts all over again!
ALL of that sounds like the merry-go-round we all know of as alcoholism. UGH!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
My advice if you want it is, run for the hills...or London. Sorry to be blunt.
I had the chance at your stage to leave, I chose to stay and we have 3 kids now, I've been in denial for most it thinking he wasn't that bad. I regret not leaving back then, it would have been so much easier than now with my kids.
Hugs x
I had the chance at your stage to leave, I chose to stay and we have 3 kids now, I've been in denial for most it thinking he wasn't that bad. I regret not leaving back then, it would have been so much easier than now with my kids.
Hugs x
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Follow your dreams. You can't go back later and ask for a do-over. You have an opportunity presented that some people can only dream of. Don't throw away your life for someone who can't even get theirs together.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi dr, I noticed in your original post you used the word 'rely' a few times. A's are not reliable, in fact they're the opposite. If you envisage a life where you can do your work away, while relying on someone to look after the house and possibly kids, hire a housekeeper.
As a sober A, I know how incredibly difficult it is to tell the truth about drinking. You might be talking to your doctor, knowing honesty is the way to go, but you can't get the truth out of your mouth. So assume that when you're talking to an A about drinking, lies are more than likely.
You're a planner, but making plans with this guy will be hard. Sorry to say. And leaving children in his care....
As a sober A, I know how incredibly difficult it is to tell the truth about drinking. You might be talking to your doctor, knowing honesty is the way to go, but you can't get the truth out of your mouth. So assume that when you're talking to an A about drinking, lies are more than likely.
You're a planner, but making plans with this guy will be hard. Sorry to say. And leaving children in his care....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I have been married for two years and have a 10 month old. My husband is an alcoholic.
I am very lucky in that I have very emotionally and financially supportive parents that are helping me at the moment while my husband is gone. If I didn't have that, it would be beyond hard to survive in every sense right now.
My advice to you is to let Jimmy go so you can have a good life. It's harder with kids. I love my husband a lot and I had the same sorts of plans as you (marriage, travel, family) and while I may have accomplished some of these things, I often feel alone (even when he is here) in my marriage and parenting because my husbands real relationship is with alcohol. It is a lonely life being married to an alcoholic.
I am very lucky in that I have very emotionally and financially supportive parents that are helping me at the moment while my husband is gone. If I didn't have that, it would be beyond hard to survive in every sense right now.
My advice to you is to let Jimmy go so you can have a good life. It's harder with kids. I love my husband a lot and I had the same sorts of plans as you (marriage, travel, family) and while I may have accomplished some of these things, I often feel alone (even when he is here) in my marriage and parenting because my husbands real relationship is with alcohol. It is a lonely life being married to an alcoholic.
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